Alright, people. So far in all of this, I've been very honest and very open...except for one thing. I've not been brave enough to divulge my "numbers". Well, how else will I truly face the facts of what I've done, and what I still need to do?? I must be honest with myself. And no better way to be honest with myself, then to be honest with all of you too.
This week, my amazing soon-to-be fitness competitor friend, JC, brought her body fat monitor into work as one of our co-workers wanted to measure his body fat. It looked kind of like a handheld video game. (Half jokingly, I responded "YAY! I got the highest score! I won!", but of course, we all know that was a defense mechanism...even though I hadn't even done the test yet.) I wasn't going to do it. But I was curious. Who wouldn't be?? A few of us tried it out, others opted out. We joked that we'll hang a poster in the backroom and check our progress every couple of weeks and if you don't improve, you're fired. :-) Now THAT would be motivation, I suppose...can't afford to be out of work, plus everyone would SEE my numbers.
So, up to this point I have been saying I've lost 80-85 lbs. Well, that WAS true. Alas, according to the scale today, I have lost 77.7 lbs. I know that the months of December and January totally killed my motivation in exercise AND eating better. BUT, I haven't lost sight of my goal, and I still signed up for the 10K and will finish it. (I also know I've gained some weight since the night before Thanksgiving when I got engaged...as my ring has a VERY tough time coming off...maybe that's psychological, I don't want it to come off. hehehe.) Alright. Here goes.
Starting weight: 290.8.
Wow. Holy shit. Yes. I was almost 300 lbs. Did I think I looked that heavy? Nope. Not in my own eyes, but looking at pictures, yes, I didn't "wear it well". As a fat person you trick yourself into thinking that you don't look THAT heavy. Yes, I've always tried to dress well for my size, finding the right cut, the right colors, but in the end, it didn't hide the true problem. I was unhealthy and unhappy.
Current weight: 213.1
Previous lowest weight: 206.5
First goal weight: 190.8
Now comes the dreaded BMI. The thing that tells us we're all obese and should cease to exist. The "optimal" BMI is between 20 and 25. Over 30 and you're obese. Over 40 and you're morbidly obese. Did I feel "morbidly obese"? No. Was I? Yup. See, even at almost 300 lbs, I looked at others, the people on TLC and Biggest Loser at 400-500-600 lbs and thought "Gee, sucks to be them. I'm good." No, dummy, you weren't. You were in denial. It sucked to be me, I just couldn't admit it. Life was tougher than it needed to be. I could still walk, dance, move, etc, so I thought I was fine.
Starting BMI: 46.9 <---yowza.
Current BMI: 34.4 <---alrighty, then. Not too shabby, definitely getting somewhere.
Unfortunately, I didn't take a starting body fat percentage, but I imagine it was at least 50%, probably higher.
Current Body Fat %: 38.8. Still flabby, but trying to get rid of it. I actually expected this number to be higher than that, so I was pretty impressed with myself.
At this point, I'm almost panicking, about ready to hit delete, or close this window so as to not announce this to the world. I must face my fears. Gasp. People will know. Ummm, hello? They've seen you. They realize you were/are fat. It's not this big secret. And we do put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be a certain "number". And I used to be really big into the whole "accept me for who I am, not what I look like" thing. I still agree with that...but as I look at it now, I need to be healthy to live the life I want to lead. I want to be around. I want to have a long life with my friends and family. I don't want to spend my life being unhappy. I've already spent too many of my 31 years being sad on the inside, hiding it well with jokes and trying to get people to see me for something else other than "the fat girl".
Numbers play a big part in our lives. How much money do you make? How much do you weigh? How many degrees do you have? How many gigs are on your resume? How many friends do you have on Facebook?
Goddammit. None of that stuff is important. How happy are you? Do you enjoy your life? Are you happy with who you are? If you aren't, what can do you to change it? You don't need to have 34984 facebook "friends" to be a happy person. You need to take the relationships that you DO have and cultivate them. Put time and effort into them and the love will grow and you'll find happiness in those people that love and care about you. Most of us spend too much time on Facebook (ME, ME, ME) reading up on our "friends" lives and spend way too little time actually TALKING to those friends. If we weren't facebook friends, would you call me up? Would we see each other? Do we see each other now?! I love and hate social media for this reason. I love that I've been able to reconnect with so many people from my past...but I also loathe the fact that I feel so much more disconnected from real life and real people.
I've struggled over the years to figure out who I really am. Do I know now? Not 100%, but I'm probably at about 90% now. Last night, a dear friend, a running buddy, MMV said that I am a very different person now than I was 77.7 lbs ago. I wondered for a long time if people thought this was true. I mean, yes, I certainly feel like I've changed. People view you differently, but as I become more confident in my abilities and find the strength that I never knew I possessed, I become a different person. I am less insecure. I feel like I actually deserve to be happy and deserve good things to happen to me. For a long time, this was not the case. I was never suicidal or clinically depressed, but I lived a life of "woe is me" and felt great pity for myself, wondering why nothing ever went my way. Why didn't a certain guy like ME?! Why was I always "the friend" and never the lover? Why didn't I get that role?...amongst many other complaints over the years.
I don't know if this is true, but it certainly FEELS true. I didn't respect myself. I didn't like who I was. And if I didn't like who I was, truly, deeply...why would anyone want to be with me? You can only fake self-esteem long enough.
I will no longer hide who I am or who I mean to be.
I won't hide behind these numbers anymore.
They are numbers, pure and simple. They do not define me.
They do not define my life, nor who I will be when this journey brings me to a better place.
