October "Wonderland"

I am NOT ready for winter. I love the fall. I relish the thoughts of beautiful crisp fall days, brightly colored leaves, apples, pumpkins, all of these wonderful things that combine to make MY "most wonderful time of the year". I realize that as the days of fall grow shorter that winter is right around the corner, and with winter, comes "The Holidays".

As I get older, I get more cynical. (Is that really possible? How could I get any more cynical, you ask?) I can't say that the holiday season brings me much joy. It seems as though it's an endless parade of obligation. You have to go here, can't hurt feelings, gotta go there, blahblahblah.

Last Thanksgiving was great for a few reasons, 1) I got engaged the night before, how could we not be in good spirits after that??, 2) GI Jane and I ran the Gobble x3 4 miler that morning and it was awesome, 3) GI Jane and Cash Money joined us for dinner at the Galante Homestead, and 4) It seemed as though we finally did some stuff that we WANTED to do, instead of just doing stuff because we had to. One of my favorite Thanksgivings of all-time was my first year here in Boston, I decided to stay up here and hosted a meal for 3 friends. We ate, watched chick flicks, and just had a nice, non-drama-filled day. I cooked a full meal for the first time in my life. (Yes, I know, to take on Thanksgiving as the first meal is quite a feat...hahaha...luckily, I had some help in the way of some amazing recipes, and a Mom on speed dial...) I've been saying it for years now, but I want to host my own dinner again. I want to enjoy myself and not feel like I'm obligated to do certain things. But I guess that's what family is all about...haha...

And Christmas is always another story. Traveling to PA for Christmas is a giant pain in the ass. Well, traveling ANYWHERE at the holidays is a pain. But it's expensive, too harried, and just plain unenjoyable. It's difficult to make everyone happy, and I think that's where my stress lies. I know that I'm "hurting feelings" by choosing to stay here, or go there, or whatever. But I am only one person, I can't clone myself and send one of me to PA and have one stay here. Then it's a whirlwind of seeing these people here, this person there, and then I probably don't get to see everyone I want to see anyway. And sometimes I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off for nothing. Maybe I should just pack my bags and go somewhere else...not here, not there...just a warm, tropical island somewhere, with no cell phone reception. :-)

*sigh* So, as the holiday season approaches, or if you work in retail, it may already be here, I'm trying to not be so disappointed in the "choices" I have to make, but to enjoy what REAL choices I do have. We'll probably have another holiday party, that is always a good time. Other than that, I'm in hyperdrive until Thanksgiving, basically. The show goes up on the 10th, 2 weekends of performances, and then it's Turkey week. We may have a houseguest that week, so that'll be fun, but also a bit stressful getting ready.

25 days until the Gobble x3. This morning was the Superhero 5K, and as the starting gun was going off, here I was, at home. I know I put too much on my plate by signing up for this race, and now, essentially eating the $25 registration fee. The snow and crap didn't help my decision either. Plus with a big rehearsal this afternoon, I kinda felt I needed to be ready for that, so instead of running in the 35 degree weather/slop, I decided to opt out. I wasn't sure if GI Jane was running, she had been sick, and I hadn't heard from her, so I went with the assumption that it wasn't happening. But alas, at 9am, got a text that we should go do it. *sigh* I have to leave early for rehearsal because Athan needs to get there to do some stuff with the pianist before we start as a group. I wouldn't make it home in time from the race to get showered and ready to go. Waaaaay too much going on. Yes, I feel like a quitter...not quite a failure, mind you, but just a quitter. But I suppose in a way, I was putting my priorities in order. (And all of the hacking that was going on backstage yesterday is making me think that I made the right decision NOT to go out and run in the cold, possibly kicking up some stuff, and/or catching a cold...) Do I feel guilty? Yes. Did I let my friend down? Possibly. Did I let myself down? Absolutely. But life is about choices, and this wasn't a particularly fun choice to make, I needed to make it. We can't always get what we want, we can't always do what we want, and sometimes our "obligations" have to come before everything else. I guess that's today's lesson...

Shop Til You Drop

It's funny how I've been "congratulating" myself almost everyday this week for NOT eating crap at Sbux, or working out, or whatever. Earlier in the week, I was at the mall, I bought some new workout clothes. Great! Good motivation! Then I got some new eyeshadow! Yay! I like to look pretty! I bought a book one day after going to the gym. Then I went to Buffalo Exchange and got the find of the century, a brand new pair of Dansko clogs in a beautiful cherry brown color, absolutely brand new, AND IN MY SIZE. I had to get them. How could I not? I've wanted these shoes for years. It was a sign that I deserved to be congratulated. ;-)

I guess what I'm realizing is that if I'm not self-medicating with food, I'm self-medicating with shopping? Retail therapy is a girl's best friend. I can't say I was "stress shopping" though. I had a good week. Maybe it's a good thing? I mean, sure, the spending of the money isn't a great idea...BUT it could be a sign that I'm feeling better about myself, if I want to buy clothes. i've been feeling kinda blah about my body and about what I've done/haven't done. And in the last 2 weeks, I've absolutely gotten back on the Motivation Train, lost 5+ lbs, have really been good about working out, making good choices, and maybe this is a sign that I'm starting to feel good again. I was pleasantly surprised by a photo or two that popped up on the website for my show. I look(ed) "thin" or normal, at least. ;-) I can't get over that because I still feel huge. My brain can't get over the fact that I am NOT what I used to be. I think I'll probably always feel that way, and that's tough.

I also spent more money today...but I KNOW that these are great reasons for spending money. I signed up for 3 more races. Superhero 5K on Oct 30th in Kendall Square, The Gobble 3x on Thanksgiving morning, and the Jingle Bell Run in Davis Square on Dec 18th. I am excited to do these races and will do my best to train and get ready for them. :-) Plus, more free tshirts is ALWAYS a great idea. GI Jane and I talked about how last year's Thanksgiving race was so awesome. We felt so free and easy, we ran 4 miles, got showered, dressed, and went and ate our Thanksgiving dinners with a happy conscience. (Maybe I ran easier because I had just gotten engaged the night before and I was so excited and couldn't stop talking about it? But who cares. it was fun!) I wish all races felt like that.

I need to figure out a way to just run for fun and not put pressure on myself to beat a previous time or try to attain some goal or something. I need to focus on crossing the finish line. I know that at the end, I'll probably cry. I usually do. It's a reminder of how far I've come...and also of how far I still have to go. Life is a journey. My journey will never end. I just have to focus on the good parts of that journey, choose the paths that make it an easy ride. And sure, rough patches will come, but I have the tools to get over them. And so do you.

Wave of Motivation

This has been an interesting week. It began with me slogging through a 10K in 85+ degree weather in October, finishes with me "possibly" being 4-5 lbs lighter. I say "possibly" because I have an indecisive scale. I get on it, it says one thing...I get on it again...says something completely different. I move it 2 inches to the left, it's now a 3rd number, unrelated to the others. Very annoying. Change the battery, you say? Just did that. Beat it with a baseball bat and buy a new one? Soon, my friends, soon.

I'm proud of the small steps of progress I made this week. I didn't eat ANY food at starbucks this week. I made my own Protein Plates to take to work and ate those, and wasn't even remotely tempted to eat the garbage laying around there. Yes, I had some drinks, including the protein shake that I've been concocting in the AM. My drinks now are definitely much better for me than they used to be. I also managed to cook dinner a couple nights, and ate the food that I had bought at Trader Joe's earlier in the week, instead of going out to eat. I went out for dinner on Fri night and had my "cheat meal"...a delicious burger, fries and a delightful pumpkin ale. Yesterday, GI Jane and I had breakfast at Ball Square Cafe and discussed our first week back on THE PLAN. I resisted the temptation of the pumpkin waffles and had an egg white, cheese, and canadian bacon sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin and a large fruit bowl. And last night, went out and ate an enormous amount of sushi. :-) Sushi is so good. *sigh* I love it.

The main issue that I foresee in the next few weeks will be trying to combat the idea of "stress eating" and stuffing my face when I"m tired. Why am I stressed, you ask? I'm stressed out over my show. We ran Act I yesterday and it was very clear that we had taken a few very large step backwards in the process. Plus, at the end of rehearsal, we were chastised for being concerned about the lack of a conductor/setup/basically anything that we were concerned with. So, with that said, I will continue to show up and do my job, as I have been doing all along, not worry about anyone else, and if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I tried to help. I tried to do what I could to make it better. Needless to say, the next few weeks will be nail-biting. It's been really tough being involved in yet another show that has created such feelings of uneasiness in me. The last 3 shows I've been in have made me feel this way for various reasons. Is this a sign that I should quit? Is the cosmos trying to tell me that I'm not meant to be doing this and that by doing so, I'm disrupting the flow of the universe? (Alright, a bit dramatic, I admit, but come on...) Or am I "looking for love in all the wrong places", theatrically speaking?

*sigh*

I have such great respect for this show, for the music. I just want it to be great. And if I'm wrong in wanting that, that's fine.

I try to quell my rising emotions with food. I know this about myself. My greatest task in the next 4 weeks will be to fight those urges. I need to start working out my emotions by working out more, running it out, lifting weights, anything that does not involve putting food in my mouth. If I had a place to hang it, I'd get one of those big ol' punching bags. That would be amazing. Maybe a Boppy Clown would work...

Life always presents challenges to us, that's quite obvious. It's how we choose to deal with these challenges that will define our futures. I want to stop soothing my pain/emotions/challenges with food, once and for all. I want to have a normal relationship with food. Hmm. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not IN a relationship with food. Food is not a person. Food does not have feelings. Food is fuel. Pure and simple. Hmmph. Sure. Easier said than done, my friends. *sigh*

Agony of Da Feet

Trudge, trudge, trudge,

slog, slog, slog,

ow, ow, ow.


That's how I felt during the Tufts 10K today.


First of all, thank you, Mother Nature, for bestowing your menopausal heat flash all over Beantown today. I mean, seriously...since when is it 85 degrees in October? Today. Hooray. Who goes out for a run on that day? This idiot. Along with 7500 of her closest idiot friends.

Alright, so let's talk about the positives...
1. It was a great course, except for the fact that there was virtually no shade from miles 1.5-4.5. Any other day, that would've been fine...today, I was praying for trees and wanted to just lay under one for a quick nap in the middle of the race.
2. Pacman shirt is awesome.
3. It's really inspiring to be surrounded by 7500 other women, all shapes, sizes, colors, and all running for her own personal reason.
4. I didn't puke.
5. I didn't have to get hauled to the finish line in an ambulance.
6. I finished. Sure, I wasn't all that pleased with my time, but COME ON, if I was THAT concerned about it, I would've gotten my ass out to train a little more than the 3 runs I may have done in the last 2 months. (Although, I don't know if any training would've mattered considering how flippin' hot out it was today.)
7. I cried at the finish line. The lady announced my name as I came up to the booth, I waved, blew kisses, and started to cry, and crossed the finish line. No matter how I feel during the race, i get to the end and I keep flashing back to the old me who would've NEVER been able to do this. And I remind myself that, just like Virginia Slims, I've come a long way, baby.
8. I had an amazing friend waiting for me at the finish line. And just like me, GI Jane didn't really train that much either, and we were both beating ourselves up mentally afterwards...and then, because we were in a crowd of all of these WOMEN, we started crying. :-) Can you blame us? We're defenseless against all of those HORMONES....

Instead of going through a list of negatives, let's just chalk it up to the unexpected heat and lack of training. Note to self: train more and only sign up for races that occur from Nov-March. :-)

SO, GI Jane and I decided that the best way to celebrate our accomplishment today would be to go to the grocery store, purchase healthy food, and discuss how we could get back to performing, but ultimately FEELING, our best. Over a delicious, and probably NOT so healthy sushi dinner (hey, we were celebrating too!), we created THE PLAN. The napkin with said plan on it has disappeared, which means someone will gain all of our wisdom AND see me in the delightful Mermaid costume that I asked to be drawn in. (I looked more like a hooker, but hey, that's fine...) But, luckily, I have a great memory...sometimes...and will now try to reconstruct THE PLAN for your reading pleasure.

THE PLAN:
-4 days of exercise per week
-3 runs
-1 yoga (GI Jane)/ 1 tap class (me)

-NO Starbucks Pastries/Office Candy Jar visits
-Although, if you are so inclined, have a bite or two, then throw the rest out, if the need arises.

-1-2 Cheat Meals per week
-I decided an entire cheat day would be too much for me and I didn't think I should do that. I opted for the 1-2 cheat meals, because that way, it'll fit better into going out for dinner with friends, or making room for special occasions.

-1 new recipe per week
-We both love to cook and need to recapture our love for cooking, experimenting and creating fresh, healthy meals.
-This also may include trying to reinstitute our weekly dinners with JC and EOB or whoever is available that night.

-Get More/Better Sleep
-If your sleep isn't in line, then none of the rest of that can happen. We all know that the minute we get sleepy, we'd rather lay down than go to the gym or go out for a run. Our quality of sleep will be much better if we're eating better and exercising regularly. (We know this because we've done this before!!!)

-1 blog post per week
-And the masses rejoice.
-"Eloquently written about challenges and triumphs". Done and done.


I think that's all that THE PLAN contained. Pretty easy. Pretty self-explanatory. We're both trying to recapture the feeling we had about ourselves last year around Thanksgiving. We ran the Gobble Gobble Gobble 4 miler that morning and it was so easy. We breezed through it, laughing, talking. We felt good about our bodies. We felt accomplished on a daily basis by what we were doing for ourselves. And for whatever reasons, we've lost sight of those goals. Our job now is to recreate those feelings of happiness, joy, celebration, and I'll be honest, a little self righteousness. ;-)

We are recommitting to a healthy life. You should too. We have to remember that our bodies will only do so much. We have to help them do the best job they can. Life just feels better and easy when you're doing the best for your body. I truly believe that. As some of the weight I lost is creeping back on, I feel the difference. I'm certainly nowhere near where I once was, I'm not wheezing and sweating going up a flight of stairs, but things that were easier, aren't right now. I have to remember why I chose to do this in the first place and then set attainable goals for myself.

As for THE PLAN, this is to get us to Thanksgiving. We want to see what we can accomplish in the next 6 weeks. That seems doable...please check in...I need to be held accountable. I sometimes forget that this blog post is read by ACTUAL, LIVING people. It astounds me when people mention it and tell me that they've read it, and mostly, that they love it. I write for me, but I also write for you.

If I can do this, you certainly can...

What will you change in your life today that will make your future that much better?