Last week I tried on wedding dresses for the very first time. I got some great ideas as far as what looks good and what does not. I also realized that I have a lot of work to do, physically, to look the way I'd like to look on that day, but more importantly how I'll look (and feel) for our future life together. My arms are way too jiggly, and I've got some back fat that needs to go. And I know this means I need to get back on track and start really working hard.
And I also know that every month I've written a blog entry that bemoans the fact that I can't get back on track and how lazy I've been.
Well, it's true, I'm still struggling. I have gained 20 lbs since my lowest recorded weight, probably back in January. NOT cool. I have no one to blame but myself. I exercise sporadically and eat as though I have the metabolism of a lithe little teenager. I pretend like I can do whatever I want, but need to realize that I can't. My body is not built that way. And my brain isn't GETTING IT. Am I searching for comfort? Am I turning to emotional eating...again? Am I unhappy and feel like food is going to help? Yes, yes and yes.
I am definitely unhappy in my work life, that's no secret. I never planned to be at Starbucks for this long. I am job searching and finally applied to a job that I find interesting. I can only hope that they'll call me for an interview. I'm getting stressed out way too easily and am just constantly in a state of agitation. It's not a fun way to live. Unfortunately, it's a job where the actions of your coworkers certainly impacts your day. If someone calls out, that screws everyone else over, and it's really hard to deal with all of that stuff, especially when it seems like it's happening a lot. We're going through another turnover cycle right now, and that's always a difficult situation. Customers don't understand the learning curve that exists at a job like this. They expect everything they want as soon as they want it. It becomes really difficult when you're trying to train people and it's busy and unrelenting. Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I want to throw down my apron and walk out. I am tired of feeling like a servant. And feeling like I don't matter. I have a brain and I have valid opinions. I am not a robot.
Feeling stressed at Starbucks does not create a healthy eating environment. You want to feel better, so you reach for a sugary coffee drink, and/or a "tasty" treat. You may bring food with you to eat, so that you're not tempted to eat that crap...but then you find yourself shoving a morning bun in your face as fast as you can. Why do I do these things? But more importantly...why can't I stop??
I'm trying to figure out ways to be happier and to feel more fulfilled in my life. I miss performing. Due to pre-existing engagements, I couldn't do any shows this summer. I love the rehearsal process and discovering a role, but I am NOT a fan of practicing. I need to get myself into a routine. I need to figure out a way to go to the gym and practice after work and not use the excuse of being exhausted (which I usually am) to keep me from doing it. I'm in the early planning stages of a recital with some fabulous friends, and I hope that it will get me on the right track as far as singing is concerned.
And we finally started looking at wedding venues. And alas, more stress. We really don't have any money to start off with, so to try to create a budget out of nothing is really a daunting task. We want to celebrate with our friends and family. We want to have good food, good music and lots of good times. Unfortunately, it might take a bit too much money to make it happen the way we REALLY want it to. People keep telling us to do what we want, just elope, don't spend too much money. Easier said than done, I fear. I don't want to end up in a crappy hall somewhere. And I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does. Honestly, I wish we had a nice big yard to have a party in, but no one we know actually has a yard. *sigh* The money fairy could drop by at ANY time now. It's difficult since Andrew is unemployed right now as well. Yes, he's getting his unemployment checks, but that doesn't really leave any money for us to save. We need that to pay our regular bills. We can only hope that he gets a job soon, and that hopefully I'll get a new job soon as well.
I suppose after going over this list of things...it's really no surprise that I'm eating. But I've been doing this for about 6 months now, so I can't blame it on ALL of this. Or maybe these things have been festering beneath the surface for that long. I am lucky to have great friends who are encouraging and are there to help me through.
I should probably reach out to people instead of reaching out for food. It's certainly easier to grab the cookie, but I have to remember that this is never going to be easy.
I will be fighting my weight my entire life. I have to make the decision that the fight is worth it.
*I also promise that at some point I will write a blog entry that is not so "woe is me". I understand it's getting old. But I appreciate that you've read this far. Thank you.
