Creep

The creep. The seemingly inevitable creeping upwards of the scale. Too much salt? Not enough water? Too much food? Probably. I'm starting to feel the effects of my reckless behavior. I feel stuffed into my clothes. Am I? Not sure. Not ALL of my clothes...but definitely some of them. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I worked so hard for so long and now I'm just complacent. I'm allowing this to happen. I'm letting my brain and bad habits run my life. How do I stop this downward spiral? Why am I floundering? Why can't I just stick to my guns like I had for over a year?

I've been complacent about my healthier lifestyle since the beginning of the year. Maybe I got tired of working so hard just to live my life. Did I think I had "won"? I still haven't reached my initial goal of losing 100 lbs. And that goal is getting further and further away as I slowly gain a pound here and there...probably around 15-20 lbs since the beginning of 2011. What the hell am I doing? Nothing. I am doing nothing. THAT is the problem. I'm working out maybe once a week and then congratulating myself with junky food. I did pretty well at work last week, didn't have any drinks or pastries. This week, I slipped. I was stressed out and the only way to fix it, I felt, was to stuff my face with crappy pastries. The drinks, not so much of a problem.

I really don't want to do it, but I think I might do EOB's detox again. I did it once, probably about a year ago. It was not pleasant, but it did the trick. It "reset" my brain, my stomach, and taught me what hunger was again. I can certainly go to the store tomorrow and prepare to do this starting on Sunday. And maybe starting it on a day when I won't by tempted by the stuff lying around work is a good idea. Do I feel a need to punish myself? Maybe. Definitely. *hangs head* I shouldn't have to put myself in food jail, but when I can't live in the outside world, something needs to change.

I use the term "food jail" a lot. I feel like people put themselves in food jail when they restrict everything and make life miserable for themselves. Not saying that life should be about eating...but eating can be an enjoyable part of life. A PART OF LIFE. Not your entire life. Eating for me was my life for a long time. It was comfort, it was fun. I need to get back to that time when exercise was my comfort. I looked forward to going to the gym. I looked forward to sweating and bettering myself.

I plan on waking up tomorrow, lacing up my running shoes and getting out there. I need to sweat. I need to find my way.

Lockdown

I ran my 2nd 10K today, 4th race overall. I didn't train nearly as much as I should have, but had the fitness level to finish, NOT die along the way, and actually have a somewhat respectable time considering the toughness of the course. A little race plug here: The James Joyce Ramble in Dedham, MA is a great race! It was a cool atmosphere, starting on the grounds of the Endicott Estate, which is just lovely. Sure, it helped that it was a beautiful, race-perfect day. Temps in the high 50s, bright sunshine, some wind. Awesome. The course had 4-5 hills that seemingly came out of nowhere and seemed to all lie between miles 2.5 and 5. I was lulled into a false sense of security for the first part of the race and then had a few rude awakenings. One of the cool moments was as I'm chugging along, seeing a pretty steep hill coming up, decided to take a quick walk break to gather some energy and this lady goes "Hey Garnett, come on, you're the one keeping me running!" (I was wearing my Celtics t-shirt.) I never thought that I'd be someone's pacer. I had a few of them that I kept going ahead of, then they'd catch up, then I'd fall behind, then I'd catch up. But I did beat a few of mine. :-) YAY.

Now, that being said...while we were waiting for the start to happen, GI Jane says to me, "So, are you back on the motivation train?". Hmmm. No. Am I dragging myself kicking and screaming onto said train and locking the door and not letting myself off?? YES. On Friday I made the statement that I'm going to put myself on lockdown where Sbux food/drink is concerned. I've been letting my work stress get to me while I'm there, eating crappy pastries, drinking sugary drinks and just not caring. Another friend, JC, had made a comment to me last week..."Wow, I remember when you didn't drink anything around here. I hope you're drinking decaf, you've had a lot of drinks today!". Wow. Yup. You're right. I had done this when I first began my journey and it was a good thing. I drank water. Lots and lots of water. Or the occasional tea.

I figure this is as good a time as any to really put the focus back on myself. I have no more show to use as an excuse. I should have used the race as an excuse...buuuuut didn't. I don't have any major projects going on right now. Maybe my body and my fitness should be that major project as it once was. I know that I need to put myself in "food jail" for a bit. I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing. I get judgmental and hate seeing when people buy all of our garbagey food at Sbux, and then I go and dig it out of the homeless bins and eat it myself. Hypocrite. I need to find a friendly food jail to be in. I need to allow the onset of Spring to let my body crave the fruits and veggies in season and find ways to destress that don't involve sugar.

I realize that my posts of the last few months have been very gloom and doom. I've been having a rough time with this, which is to be expected. If anyone could not have trials along the way, I'd be happy to meet them. Changing your habits and your life as you know it is a very difficult thing. But I did it. I lived that way for at least a year or more before really taking "time off" or allowing my old food demons to creep back in. I have the tools. I have the support. I just have to have the willpower and the confidence that I can be successful again.

So, here's hoping that this motivation train picks me up and chugs me along to Sexyville. ;-)