Internal Struggles

I apologize ahead of time...this entry may be a hodgepodge of everything swirling around in my head, some weight-loss related, others not. It's been awhile since I've blogged, the idea of organization eludes me right now.

First things first...this month has been an absolute weight-loss disaster. We hosted our annual holiday party on Dec 4th, at which I had some lighter fare, as well as some tasty cookies and goodies. I made sure to eat dinner before the night actually started so as to not eat my weight in party food. I remember that my pre-planning helped out. I wasn't hungry, didn't spend the night grazing. In fact, I was so busy saying hello and welcoming people that I barely felt like I had time to stop and do much of anything. But then on Monday, the 6th, we started Tech Week for Scrooge. I did myself a giant disservice by not going grocery shopping, or at least not BIG shopping. I grabbed a few things and hoped it would help. It did not. I bought a lot of crappy food at the Tedeschi's in Cleary Square or bought food on the way down there. I certainly didn't want to eat that crap, but I just did anyway. And I've also started a bad habit of eating some old pastries at Starbucks again. Mostly croissants. For some reason, I've rationalized in my mind that it's okay to have that as it's "only 310 calories", or that it's just like bread. Uhhhh not quite. I've also been drinking a few too many drinks in the morning as well. Now, granted, I usually only use 2 packs of Sugar in the Raw, or 2 pumps of syrup...as opposed to the 5 or 6 I used to have. But when you have 2-3 "venti" sized nonfat lattes, the calories still add up. *sigh*

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but I have to find the motivation that fueled me for so long. The cold weather/snow doesn't help either. You just want to pack in the food, or at least I do. I want to chow down and feel the warmth of the food in my belly. Why can't that food be healthy veggies? I have no problem eating fruit, in fact, that's what I want most of the time...after my meals. I've developed this weird habit of needing something sweet after eating if my meal doesn't include something sweet. I can't figure out how to break this vicious cycle right now. I should probably do EOB's detox again, it would certainly help. I just have to find the willpower. I don't know why I've gotten into my old mindset...If I don't have it now, I'll never have it again. WHAT THE HELL?! Where is this coming from? I thought I had gotten over that. It's amazing how "old habits die hard". I thought i had control of these demons and it's somewhat humbling to know that you never truly have control over something like that. I suppose it's MY CHOICE to do these things. My choice to eat that food. My choice. And it will be my choice to get back in gear.

Speaking of getting back in gear, I need to get myself back to the gym as well. I don't want to be seen as one of those dreaded "resolutionists". I know, how ridiculous! I don't want to be labeled. I want to wear a sign that says "I'm not new, I just haven't been here for awhile". I can't believe I'm worrying if people think I'm just another of those January 1sters...or 3rders in this case. I bet that'll be the big day. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me. I've been doing a great job of not worrying about what other people think about me, especially at the gym, but for some reason this really bugs the shit out of me. I certainly need to get over that. Immediately.

The giant snowstorm put a damper on my running hopes. I ran on Christmas day and it was glorious. I certainly love the solitude and the quiet. (Sure, running in the city isn't always quiet, but in my mind it's quiet.) I haven't run with music in over 3 months I think...and I just love it. I love the running, the feeling it gives me, I love the races. How do you run in the snow and slop without killing yourself? I suppose I just have to do it and hope for the best. I need to remind myself that I do, in fact, love how I feel when I'm running. I love how I feel afterwards. It is always a reward. Why can I not remember that when I'm internally whining about not wanting to go out?!

I am experiencing an internal struggle in my mind. It's like my very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario in there. I want to do well for myself, i want to feel better, i want to workout. But then I want to eat some "bad" foods. And it's funny because it's not all junk food. I am not interested in fast food or anything like that...but I want cheese. And bread. Sandwiches. Cookies. Do I feel like i deserve a reward for doing so well for all of these months? Or am I just being lazy and complacent? (Probably a little of both.) We always use "The Holidays" as an excuse to overindulge. I didn't eat nearly as much as I would have in the past...no second helpings of dinners this past weekend. It was the sweets that killed me. I made friends with these delicious mint choco chip cookies that Rosie made and couldn't help myself.

And as these thoughts are swirling around in my head, so are the thoughts that I am about to embark on one of the most momentous occasions of my life...my wedding. I am in the absolute beginning stages of planning. Overwhelmed by the fact of not having any money and trying to come up with something that will fulfill my dreams of having an awesome day. Sure, I know that it's all about me and Andrew and wherever we are, whatever we're doing, we'll be getting married, and that'll be great. But everyone dreams about their wedding. They want it to be special. I know that I'll have to put a hell of a lot of work into it to make it all of that...and I am committed to doing so. And then of course, in the back of my mind, the thought of being able to wear any dress I want is also quite thrilling. I plan on being at least 20-30 lbs lighter by that point...if not more. But then again, it all goes back to getting my ass in gear.

*sigh* I do not want to make New Year's resolutions, as they usually fail come MLK day. But I do need to make a renewed commitment to myself. To my future. To my fiancee. To my life. I need to recommit to the life I've found, the life I want to lead, and the way I want to feel. I've lost my motivation and I need to find it. But where? How?

The Scrooge Within

I don't know about you, but most of the times, the holiday season seems to bring me more stress and frustration than merriment and joy. I can't say I've truly enjoyed a complete holiday season in many years. Now, granted, the traveling aspect is really a drag. You rush from one place to another, not really getting to relax and enjoy each other until it's time to rush off to see someone else. You feel obligated to stuff everyone into a small time frame, and then you just feel exhausted and unfulfilled afterwards. (That's what she said...)

I'm hoping that this year may be different. We aren't traveling to PA to see my family until January 6th. But, my schedule is pretty full up until Christmas anyway. After "Scrooge" is over this weekend, my nighttime activities will at least be filled with time with friends. I'm hoping that it will bring me out of the seasonal depression I seem to be in. I get stressed out about money, trying to pick the "perfect" gift for people who have everything and who couldn't possibly need anything more, and feeling overwhelmed by the over-commercialization of this day. I think I want to enjoy my friends and family without the expectations and guilty feelings that inevitably come from what I do or do not do for them. Do I place these expectations on myself? Perhaps. Has anyone ever told me that I didn't do enough for them? No. But I feel like that's true. Maybe I put too much emphasis on the material side of Christmas, just like society tells us to, instead of focusing on the small things that create love and happiness.

As Christmas Present says in The Muppet Christmas Carol, "Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas". The happiness of sharing a meal with family and friends, a warm bed to sleep in, loving arms to be hugged with, a laugh, a smile. These should be the things we look forward to, the things we relish...not whether or not an Xbox 360 appeared under the Christmas tree. Andrew and I decided to only do stocking stuffers and then spend the rest of our present budget on a date night. We have so many things that we don't use, so many material goods that sit and collect dust. We have so much to be thankful for this year, we don't need to waste the money that we don't have on more things to clutter up our lives. We've both been extremely busy for the last few months that a time to reflect and share will be greatly appreciated.

How does one banish the Scrooge within? I'm going to try with a healthy dose of friendship, food, and fun. The holidays seem to be a time of overindulgence, be it food or drink. The after the overindulgence, comes the guilt, then the resolutions, then more guilt after the resolutions are broken. Enjoy the festivities, be it a lot or a little. But don't beat yourself up over it. I have already made a plan, unless there's a ton of snow/ice on the ground, I'll be running on Christmas morning in preparation for the day's activities. I ran on Thanksgiving morning and not only did it give me more energy for the day, I was able to eat in peace. A peaceful mind makes a holiday that much better. The evil voices in my head telling me not to eat that, or put that down, were silenced and I enjoyed the day more so than I had in awhile. Andrew and I were also freshly engaged, and that helped the feelings of happiness and joy among us and our family and friends. If we could bottle the happiness and excitement and sell it, we'd be millionaires. Let's hope that we can recapture those feelings and enjoy the day.

I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Focus on the love, the happiness, the friends, the family and forget about the spats, the tiffs and the guilt. Enjoy the time spent with your friends and family. Life is too short to focus on the bad.

And as a very wise man once said..."God Bless Us, Everyone..."

My Cup Runneth Over

With Thanksgiving having come and gone, and Christmas coming up rather quickly, I spent a lot of time in the last few weeks really thinking about what the holidays mean to me. I've had a hard time with them in the last few years, not really feeling "in the spirit" and trying to figure out why. Any holiday seems to be fraught with stress and the overextension of self and budget. Being in a dysfunctional family creates extra stress at the holidays, causing you to split time between people, never actually being able to relax and enjoy each other's company. I've been trying to figure out what I want out of the holiday season. And I guess all I really want is to spend time with those people that I really love. I want to have fun, laugh, joke, smile, and just be grateful for what I have.

I'm lucky where I don't really want for much, except financial freedom. I have wonderful friends and family that love and care about me. I am on the path to a healthy lifestyle. I am happy with the person I am becoming. I am finding my true self underneath my fat suit. I am realizing that my size really did hinder my life in more ways that I had ever noticed. But, the one thing I did find, the one thing that has never wavered this whole time, was Andrew.

When we met, I was about 30 lbs heavier than I am right now, and about 50 lbs lighter than my heaviest weight, where I started this journey. Throughout our life together, he has never once belittled me for my weight. He never told me I looked fat. He never once made me feel anything but beautiful, even when I wake up in the morning looking something like a ginger lion. He just pats me on the head and says "You look cute". He's such a loyal, loving person, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve him. We've been together for over 5 years and will now, officially, be spending the rest of our lives together.

In the greatest surprise of the century, Andrew pulled off a creative and romantic proposal. The night before Thanksgiving, I was out with GI Jane, getting accoutrement for our big Gobble x3 race the following morning...but later did I find out that it was her job to keep me out of the apartment while Mr. Andrew did some pre-proposal setting up. I came home to find candles around the living room, our coffee table set with a tablecloth and sushi plates, and his laptop was sitting on the table. He made me a slideshow on his computer, including an acoustic version of Weezer's "My Best Friend" that he recorded with his friend Drew. The slideshow had lots of cute pics of us and other cute coupley pics and at the end, it scrolled up on the screen "Kelly, Will you Marry me?" and he got down on his knee and gave me a beautiful ring. :-) I couldn't have been more surprised or more happy at that moment. I saw my future flash before my eyes and in that split second, I chose my future. We have our ups and downs, just like any couple, but I do truly feel that Andrew does want the best for me, and for him, and that we make a great team and will hopefully continue to compliment each other over the years.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I am happy. I am healthy. I have friends and family that love and care about me. I feel like my new found confidence will help me to change my job situation and to let me audition for things knowing that I won't be turned away because of my size. I know that the next two years are going to fly by and we are going to learn a lot about ourselves as we plan this wedding, hoping that we'll be able to have the special day we've always wanted. We both agree that the one thing we really want is to be surrounded by the people we love. We are lucky because we have that everyday, sometimes we all just fail to see it. And fail to appreciate it.

I am thankful for you. I am thankful for the role that you play in my life, be it close friend, far away friend, old friend, acquaintance, family member, whatever. My cup definitely runneth over...

Back in the Saddle...

And by "saddle", I mean, gym.

For the first time in at least a month, I finally dragged my sorry ass over to Le Planet Fitness. (the "le" makes it fancier.) I've been the queen of excuses. Sure, i've been running, but running alone isn't going to do all of the work. You need to do some weight training to make the running go better. I know this. And yet, I still can't "find time" to get over there. It's one goddamn T stop away from Davis...it's a 10 minute walk. The walk from the gym to home is no longer than the walk from Davis to home. What is the problem then, you ask?! I have no idea. I usually spend about an hour there, and with travel to and fro, that makes it about a 2 hour time block. If I have nighttime activities, then it certainly eats into my precious naptime. And sometimes, the nap wins. It's no fun to be tired all of the time because you're depriving yourself of sleep. Sure, I could start going to bed at 7pm and then be fully rested. But let's be honest here...that'll never happen.

I didn't have Scrooge rehearsal tonight, so when I found that out, I made the plan to hit the gym. I packed my little bag. And I thought about what I would do while I was there. Since running outside, I really have a hard time getting on a treadmill. Buuuuut, I did a pretty good run yesterday and wasn't planning on running anyway. I did a 30 min interval thing, switching between the bike and the elliptical, at a rate of 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 minutes. EOB put it best when she explained it to me..."Once you've done the first 5 minutes, that's the longest you'll be on that machine." Awesome. I could definitely tell that my endurance has gotten better. My legs certainly weren't like jelly when I was done and I wasn't wheezing or anything. Now, after that, I went over to the mat and started doing some crunches and stuff like that. Yeeeeah. I only did 50 crunches today. I used to be able to do 100, no problem. Something to work on, check. Did some weights, blahblah. But I was there for a little over an hour. I felt good. I felt accomplished.

I like to make excuses, as we all do. I like to pretend like I'm doing the best I can, when in fact, I could probably step it up. No, I CAN DEFINITELY step it up. My body has gotten used to it's size, it's activity level and to get things moving again, I need to shock it into cooperating. (And I type this as I'm drinking a Nesquik chocolate milk. Alright, Sue me. I love it. I don't have it a lot, and I actually saved this bottle for at least a day. That should get me some bonus points.) I was talking to a coworker today about this being the first time I'm going to the gym in over a month and he laughed and was like "put THAT in your blog".

Okay, Tino Mosserino, here it is.

I'M A SLACKER.

I never intended that this blog would sound like I'm holier than thou and do all of these wonderful things. I struggle. A lot. Old habits die hard, friends. There are definitely times when I just want to stuff my face and say "forget it all". But then I do realize that as soon as I do that, I'm going to feel terribly sick...besides extremely guilty. I indulge when it's worth it. I make concessions when I need to. I definitely make better choices than I used to. But, in all of that, the quiet habits of my past creep up once in awhile. The urge to buy a gallon of chocolate milk and drink it all in a day. The urge to wander down to Lyndell's bakery, spend some moolah and come back with a box of sugary treats and put myself into sugar shock from delightfully amazing pastries. The urge to eat cheeseburgers while wrapped in a snuggie. And of course, the urge to taste the syrupy sweetness of a Dr. Pepper again...

Let's be clear...these ideas roll around in my head, but they certainly don't come to fruition. No, I haven't actually done any of those things...okay, maybe eating 1 solitary cheeseburger while wearing my snuggie...but the others are merely twisted former-fat-girl fantasies. (I suppose I'm still fat...but...I'm trying to think of myself as "normal" sized, as I pretty much am.) I know I'm not the only one who may fantasize about a meal, or a certain piece of food. That's how I used to live my life. It was not healthy. Constantly thinking about food, when can you get the next fix, where can you get it. It really is like drugs. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that I was a food addict. (I only say this because my old habits were "relatively easy" to break...I didn't require professional help to change my ways.) I know a few people who I could possibly categorize as food addicts and it's a tough thing. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's hard enough to be fat, but to feel like you have absolutely no control over food. I suppose that need for control is what causes people to develop eating disorders.

Control is an interesting subject. You want things to go your way. You want to feel like you are the master of your own destiny. You don't want to feel like are subject to the whims of the universe. But, in this journey, I have control over a few things. I can control the amount of work I put in. I can make myself go to the gym, workout, run, do yoga, etc. OR I can do absolutely nothing. I can control what I put into my mouth. But I cannot control how my body physiologically reacts to the work I am doing. I can't make the pounds fall off. I can try to change my brain, but I can't completely ensure that some old thoughts/habits won't come crawling back. I can only try to fight it. I can lace up my shoes. I can put on my pink workout clothes. I can sweat. I can drink more water. It won't be easy. It won't be impossible. It'll have it's ups and down. But in the end, I can only hope that it'll all be worth it...

*BING* This is your captain speaking...please fasten your seatbelts, it may be a bumpy ride.

Junk in, Junk Out.

Food is interesting. I mean, a lot of stuff that we consider "food" isn't really something you should put in your mouth. Americans have a bit of a "weight problem", and I saw one of the reasons why last night...

GI Jane and I were in search of our favorite gigantic Chinese Mecca on Route 1 in Saugus, but took a roundabout way to drive all over goddamn Massachusetts and ended up right in our own backyard over at the "nice" Target shopping center at Wellington Circle. GI Jane really wanted a steak. We went to Outback. Outback apparently closed up and moved out of town and neglected to leave a forwarding address. So then I realized that there was "some sort of steakhouse" up in the Target lot. Longhorn? Meaty McHeartAttacks? Ahhh no. Texas Roadhouse, my friends. The monstrosity of neon Texas's dancing on the facade of the building, luring us into it's peanut shell-covered, meat market. We walked in, put in our name, and at 930 on a Friday night were told "It'll be about 20 minutes". We said okay. We sat on the bench. We looked at each other and said "Hmm, we could be at Kowloon in 20 minutes." And then proceeded to make the decision to stay. Big mistake. BIG. HUGE. I'm going shopping now...(Oh. Oops. Sorry, Pretty Woman moment there.)

Anyway, so we are finally called and we're walked to our table. We are momentarily delayed as there is a birthday and it's very important that you are FULLY embarrassed by having to sit on a little saddle after they yell and scream at you. Awesome. Let me sit down. We crack open the menus and Wally, our cantankerous waitress, comes by, "Have you decided on any wings?". As if the menu was full of different varieties of wings and that's all we could order. Strange. No thanks, we'll have water. So then we begin to read the menu...realizing that our new lifestyles DO NOT fit into a place such as this. My eyes wandered away from the menu and began to check out the clientele and their plates, and the food wandering by in the hands of the waitstaff waiting to be delivered to the hungry masses. Wally comes back. GI Jane orders. "Do you want your potatoes loaded?"...."Ummm...what does that mean?"...."Sour cream, cheese, bacon". And at that moment, GI Jane and I begin to crack up. Needless to say, Wally was NOT amused. "Nope, not loaded." I ordered pulled pork, a plain sweet potato and green beans. Great. Awesome. Green Beans. How the hell can you ruin those?! Texas Roadhouse found a way. I was perusing the laminated cards at the table and see a picture of a bowl of green beans. With bits of bacon? Seriously?! What the hell?! Naaaah, that's not right. That won't arrive for me.

Alas. There it was. A bowl of green beans...floating in an oily liquid...with bits of bacon.

Dear America, THIS IS WHY YOU'RE FAT.

Or in the immortal words of Cash Money..."We're fat fucks."...referring to our society as a whole.

I had about 1/3 or so of the pile of meat on my plate. And immediately regretted it. I watched the people around us, delighting in their mounds of potatoes, dipping sauces, fried foods, and marveled at how I got to this point. I used to be one of those people. We would LOVE to go out, order piles of appetizers, large entrees, desserts, drinks, and just gorge ourselves to our heart's content. But now, the idea of eating 99% of the food on that menu kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I felt pretty gross after eating. I joked about wanting to make myself puke and then go for a midnight run to get rid of the shame. (I understand that bulimia is no joke, but that's not what i was referring to...I just figured ridding myself of the vile "food" would make me feel better.) I don't know why I let myself eat that stuff for so long. But I am glad that I'm on this new path...

This morning, I woke up on my own around 7am and went for a run. I felt better. We met GI Jane and Cash Money for breakfast at Ball Square Cafe, where I delighted in the fresh fruit bowls and the egg white/spinach/tomato/mozzarella/smoked salmon sandwich on dark rye. GI Jane made a great point, when you use quality ingredients, it's very hard to mess it up. I love Ball Sq Cafe for that reason. Everything is delicious. I never feel ill. I feel like I'm eating real food, and THAT is a wonderful feeling.

Later on today, after an a-MAIZE-ing day in a corn maze, we actually ended up at our favorite Chinese Mecca....Kowloon. I had no desire to have the piles of fried food, the General Gau's, anything like that. Yes, I had a few crab rangoons, but my meal was sushi. Steamed edamame, and some sushi. (Alright, alright, with tempura flakes...but still....) I'm not trying to sound all self-righteous or anything, I'm just saying, it's amazing how my tastes have changed. Kowloon has the largest menu I've ever seen, and it's full of amazingly Americanized "chinese" food. Fried everything. Covered in sauces. But I couldn't bring myself to order that. I didn't want any of it. I wanted sushi. I'm such a sucker for sushi right now though. I'd eat it everyday if I could. I ate and felt great...not gross and bloated.

We, as a society, must figure out a way to avoid the seemingly inevitable rising rates of obesity in ourselves and our children. We need to reclaim FOOD and not allow our mouths to be stuffed with "edible foodlike stuffs". Are you tired all the time? Do you have zero energy during the day? Do you find yourself running to the coffee shop or the vending machine to "get you through" the day? Put better food in and you'll get better results from your body. It took me a long time to understand it when people said things like "Food is fuel". You put junk in, you get junk out.

You only get one body...treat it well.

Tears of joy

I pinned on my race bib. #115. I attached my race tag, and laced up my shoes. I painted on my nose, put on my cape, and I flew.

This morning I officially became something I'd NEVER thought I could be....a racer! I raced! I got in line with everyone else, and I ran my ass off. I definitely ran my fastest mile ever, 10:35 for the first mile, and ended up with a very respectable 11 min mile pace. My original goal for the 5K was to come in under 35 minutes....official time....34:06! WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! (Now, i will say that my Nike+ had some different numbers than the official race thing, so I'm confused about that. Longer distance, faster pace, etc. Maybe it was excited too...)

It was such a neat atmosphere, standing at the starting line with all of these costumed runners. Everyone running...many first timers, like myself. We ran up Mass Ave towards Harvard Square and we were just about at the Starbucks when the leader of the pack was actually passing us on his way back. Are you serious?! His final time was like 18 minutes or something like that. Holy shit. It's amazing what the human body can do. As we ran, GI Jane and Dayjobs were talking about how your body gets used to the strain you put on it and it responds by helping you. Dayjobs completed a Half-Ironman in the last few months. She's a freak of nature, but in the best possible way. The girl just wakes up and decides to hit a race, which she definitely did with a half marathon in downtown Boston one time, as I remember. Natural athlete indeed. I don't know if I'm a natural athlete that is trapped in the wrong body? Probably not. But, I do believe that I have the heart. And sometimes, that's more important.

Sure, I'll never win a foot race, but that's not what it's about. One of the great things about running is that you aren't necessarily racing against everyone else...you're racing against yourself. You race to improve your time, your stamina, whatever your goal may be. Maybe you're running races to collect the Tshirts. Nothing wrong with that, everyone needs new clothes. :-)

I came home from a wonderful post-race lunch and immediately signed up for my next race...the Gobble Gobble Gobble run on Thanksgiving morning. It's a 4 miler. I've recently started running for 3 on my "normal" runs and have pushed it to 4 on certain days. The next few weeks will be the perfect time to increase my mileage and get ready for this next challenge.

Even as I write those words, I still am a bit dumbfounded by it all. Me? A runner?

It was such a wonderful experience. I ran the whole race with GI Jane and Dayjobs (a surprise guest!). Dayjobs could have easily zipped ahead and beat us by a longshot, but she chose to run with us the entire way. It was really great to have 2 of my friends there to share in this momentous occasion. I was feeling good the whole time. and then as we were getting closer to the end, we heard a girl right behind us say, "Oh my god, I am going to do this! This is my first 5K!!!" And I yelled, and we all yelled and whooped it up. We rounded the corner, I spied the park where we began, and felt the tears welling up...seeing all the other superheroes chugging water and eating free snacks..and then that girl started sprinting around me....and something happened I took off. Hahaha. I sprinted towards the finish, towards a new me. And I looked up, saw Andrew standing at the finish line with my camera, snapping the photos I requested. I couldn't bring myself to smile because I had begun to cry. I was so overwhelmed by the moment. To the outsider, they were probably wondering what was going on with Mighty Mouse, was she hurt? What's going on? But I was caught up in the enormity of this day. This day that I never expected to happen. This day that puts me in a new category: racer. This day that gives me the fulfillment of accomplishing a goal that I had set for myself way back in April. I didn't sob. (I certainly COULD have...but I collected myself.)

This journey leaves me standing here, looking back at my progress, and feeling extremely proud. BUT, today really cemented that fact for me. I am allowed to be proud. I am not being vain. I am just marveling at what I have done. And as I close in on 100 lbs lost, that pride can only increase. Having gotten back in the food journaling game via Livestrong.com, I managed to lose some more this week, now officially down 86 lbs. I had been hovering around 80 lbs lost for awhile, had dipped to 85, then it was bouncing between 80 and 85 lbs lost for the last 2 weeks. I think we've passed that threshold. We'll see. But at this moment, I'm not super concerned with the scale. My accomplishments are bigger than any number on a scale right now. This success I had today is certainly a wonderful motivational tool. It just makes me want to keep going, better, stronger, longer.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on my journey thus far. Everyone one of you took those steps with me and everyone of you crossed that finish line with me today. You made it possible for me to believe in myself. Your unwavering love and support is too much to fully grasp. I am humbled by your encouragement. All I can do is continue to make you proud, continue to fight the good fight, and continue to love myself as you guys love me.

Reverse the Curse

I just spent the last hour watching the ESPN "30 for 30" film, "Four Days in October". It's an amazing retelling of the 2004 Red Sox coming back from a 3-0 deficit against the hated Yankees in the ALCS. As this series was playing itself out, we here in Boston were losing faith quickly, by the end of game 3 we had all but packed it in. We didn't want to admit defeat, but as every media outlet known to man was quick to point out, "No team in sports history has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit". Awesome. But, as we know, the Sox got it together and had a champagne celebration in Yankee Stadium, then going on to win the 2004 World Series. Bye bye Bambino. No more curse for us. :-)

Now, as I was watching this documentary, I was getting weepy in the appropriate places and when it was over was thinking about how it was pretty amazing what this team had accomplished. They did something that no one thought possible, maybe deep down, they too thought this impossible. They defied the odds and came out on top. They accomplished something that can never be taken away from them. The hard work, the dedication, the commitment. It was all rewarded with the ultimate prize in Major League Baseball...the World Series Pennant (and accompanying bling).

It won't be much of a stretch to say that I feel like I'm on a journey such as this. Many people discourage themselves (or others) from attempting to lose weight and better their lives..."it's too hard"..."I don't have time to work out"..."I've tried so many times before and nothing works, why bother??". When staring at this from the beginning, the thought of losing 100 lbs was so daunting. I figured that I would be back to my old ways within a month or two, as usual. But for some reason, I finally "got it". I made the changes, I stuck with them, I found a love for exercise, I crave movement and healthy food. I still find it hard to pinpoint WHY things are working so well this time around. I, like you, had tried to lose weight many times in my life and it never worked the way it should have. I wanted it to happen so quickly, without putting the work in. This is why I failed so many times before. But, somewhere, deep down, I must have believed in myself...but all the while thinking it was impossible. Seriously. And at about 85 lbs lost, I can see my original goal coming true. It's not elusive...it's not MY curse.

I suppose if you stretch out those 4 days that the Red Sox changed their baseball lives, it could be compared to my journey. I'd been down. I stepped up and took the challenge. Dave Roberts stole 2nd base in game 4, effectively giving life to the Sox. What is my Dave Roberts moment? Was it when I quit soda? Was it joining the gym? Was it when I lost 10 lbs in the first week? Maybe I'll go with the loss of 10 lbs in the first week. Early success really keeps you motivated. I've had a few home runs, a la Big Papi, and am about to hit another on Sunday (my first 5K!). The ups and downs of my 13 month journey thus far have not been nearly as extreme as the emotions felt in that 4 day period, but I too am seeking the ultimate prize. But in this case, I will hold onto this prize for the rest of my life. I am creating that life. I am extending it. I am making it more meaningful, knowing that I have worked so hard to make it better. Every mile I run cements the fact that I am a new person.

Although, like the Sox, I couldn't have done this on my own. Every player on that team had a job to do, and one by one, they managed to make this happen. Yes, you can say I've done this on my own, as I am not under the supervision of a nutritionist, dietician, trainer, or popular weight loss program...BUT...I certainly have not been alone. When I've been in a slump, people have cheered me on anyway, loving me for me...much like our beloved Sox. When I've been successful, I've still gotten the support I needed and then some. I'm lucky to have some "true fans" on my side...you know...the ones who still love their team, even when they've broken your heart time and time again. And in the end, you're rewarded for your loyalty...

"Reverse the curse". You know it well, it was on Tshirts everywhere, signs, placards, newspapers, everywhere. But it's amazing how at this moment, that means something else to me. Who knew an innocent viewing of "30 for 30" would bring upon such clarity and inspiration?? I am trying to reverse my own curse. The curse of obesity. The curse of being unhappy with myself. The curse of feeling like I had no choice. As hard as I tried to deny it, it was my own fault. I did this to myself. And I'm the only one who can reverse it. Reversing this curse would certainly lift a burden, not the 86 year burden felt by Red Sox Nation, but that of a 31 year old woman who spent much of her life on the sidelines wondering when it would be her turn.

Put me in Coach, I'm ready to play. ;-)

Victorious

"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."


In the past two weeks, three friends of mine have all put on race bibs and crossed the finish line in their first-ever races at their respective distances. GI Jane and MMV ran the Tufts 10K on Columbus Day in downtown Boston. I went down to the finish line with GI Jane's manfriend, Cash Money. It was truly a moving experience. I don't know what it was, but as I was standing along the final stretch along Charles Street, watching the women (and a few men) run by, I started to tear up. I was getting emotionally overwhelmed watching these women pushing themselves towards the finish line. I feverishly snapped pictures as Cash finally caught site of Jane coming towards us. We ran triumphantly with her the final couple hundred feet to grab shots of her running under the official time clock. It was such an awesome feeling to watch her accomplish this goal that she never thought possible. Life had gotten in the way and her training had fallen to the wayside...but her grit and determination (and a cute pair of Saucony running shoes) carried her the 6.2 miles to victory. As we walked through the Boston Common, seeing all of the women, smiling, munching bagels and bananas, it made me appreciate the fact that I WILL be there next year. I will be a part of this group of 8000 women, 16000 running shoes. (Although, I give major props to this one lady I saw, with one leg, finishing this race with her crutches. Simply amazing.)

My first official race is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am very excited to take this first step into "competitive" running. Granted, I will never actually WIN one of these races...but that is not the point. Anyone who runs knows this. You run against your self, your demons, your failures. You do something that you perhaps never thought possible. I will be running for all of those years I wasted. I will run to show myself that this journey has brought me to a new place. I will run to show everyone that this IS possible. You CAN make a change. I am going to do my best to NOT cry at the finish line...but I can't guarantee that. I may become so overwhelmed that you'll see a puffy-eyed Mighty Mouse wandering around on Halloween morning.

I am not the only one who has taken the step to create a better life for herself. The third friend that I spoke of at the top of this post is EOB. EOB did something that very few people will EVER do in their lifetimes. She ran a marathon. 26.2 miles. She ran through the streets of Chicago, in unseasonable heat as well. I never had any doubt in my mind that she would finish. She struggled a bit during her training period as well, couldn't find the motivation to complete her long runs. But she pushed through and completed her very first marathon. I put it that way because she has already expressed the desire to do it again. She claims that as soon as she started, she knew she'd want to do it again. (I don't know if I believe her, buuuut....I mean, COME ON...you WANT to run a marathon??) It has taken many little steps over a number of years to get her to this point. She did it. She made it.

I don't know if I will ever choose to run a marathon. I enjoy running, but I just don't know if it's something that I'd be interested in doing. I could probably be persuaded to try a half-marathon though. But that is a bit down the road. I will run my 5K, and hopefully a few more 5Ks and a 4 miler in November and December. I will try to find a 10K after that. I want to continue to push myself where my running is concerned. I caught a cold last week, and haven't run in 8 days now. I'm hoping that this little cough I have will disappear in the next day or so. I am feeling running-deprived. I need to go. I need to do it. I miss it.

I will lace up my shoes. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue this race...this race...for my life.

The (Wo)Man in the Mirror

The mirror can be a deceptive thing. It certainly has a power over us that we don't want to voice out loud. How many times a day would you say that you look at yourself? Do you glance at yourself in storefront windows? Some people NEVER look at themselves, or if they do, they only look at their faces, say in the bathroom mirror. Others spend their time looking in every available surface, constantly fidgeting, fixing, adjusting. We have 3 mirrors in our apartment. A full length, a vanity type mirror on my dresser, which is pretty big, goes down to my mid thigh, and a normal bathroom mirror. On the whole, I'd say that I like these mirrors. I don't feel that they are distorted in anyway. I don't feel like I'm in a (not so) funhouse when I'm looking in them. Another great mirror...the one in the Ghosts and Gravestones dressing room. I looked at myself in it last night and was feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Now, I know, you're sitting there going, "What the hell? Why is she going on and on about mirrors?". Well, here's why...for the last few weeks I've been taking 2 classes over at the Dance Complex in Central Square, the ballet class and then the kickboxing class. I suppose I feel kinda out of place in the ballet class as it is, although, I'd say I'm in the middle as far as ability goes. I'm certainly not the best goddamn dancer at ABA, but I'm certainly not the worst. BUT, I'd say I might be the heaviest person in there, not by much, but probably. But anyway, I came in, sat down, started stretching a bit, looked up at myself in the mirror and basically thought, "WTF?!". The mirror showed me exactly how I picture myself in my own head...basically how I USED to look. I see myself in pictures and am completed dumbfounded of how I look now. I still see myself 80 lbs heavier. This mirror is definitely old and warped, as is my brain. But I couldn't stop looking at myself, going "Uhhh, is that what I look like? Really? Ugh.". Tugging at my clothes, sucking it in, trying not to feel like the elephant in the room. I took dance for 8 or 9 years from kindergarten through middle school, and as I got older, I got heavier, and every year, you'd get those photos taken at the dance recital. And in my last years at the dance school, I was on pointe. And basically, I resembled those goddamn hippos from Fantasia. NOT a pretty sight, my friends. And those feelings and memories came flooding back to me on Tuesday night, at the barre, doing my plies and tondues.

Uuuuugh. How do you erase years of memories like that?! I don't think you can. I suppose you can merely learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe if you use those memories to teach yourself a lesson, to never allow yourself to get to that point again. I really love to dance, and I'm glad that I got up the nerve to do it again. As every young girl seems to, I had the dream of being a ballerina. But what no one ever tells you is that fat little girls don't get to be ballerinas. Well, I suppose THAT's not true either. My dance teacher told me, when I was around 10, that I needed to lose weight. Yeeeeah, thank you Mrs. Olivieri. That's awesome. Way to build my self esteem. Okay, so maybe I'm still a little bitter about that. Or still bitter that all of those years of people telling me I needed to lose weight, that no one ever really tried to help me in a constructive way. How the hell do you help a kid? Well, honestly, I feel it's very similar to the way I'm doing things now. Don't make things "off-limits", don't make it a punishment. Encourage physical activity, explore healthy options and don't make them feel badly about themselves.

I suppose the lesson to me in all of this is..."Don't look in that goddamn mirror." Anna, the dance teacher, wants us to look at ourselves to check our form and whatnot. Fine, look. But stop judging. As I've mentioned before, I've become much quicker to judge than I ever have before. This is not a good thing. For example, on my run this morning, I passed this girl, who probably wasn't much heavier than I, wearing the shortest shorts I've seen in awhile. I'm talking so short that from the front, they were riding up SO much that it almost looked like she was wearing "tighty whities". Seriously. Camel toe for days here, people. Complete with a "Everything's Bigger in Texas" tshirt. Yup, ain't it the truth. Camel toes must be bigger in Texas too. Why do that to yourself? Why wear that? Did she feel good in that? Did she feel "sexy"? I just don't know. I wanted to stop and ask. But come on, where the f*ck do I get off thinking this way? Am I on some proverbial high horse, riding around town, because I know better than to dress that way?! Because I know better than to eat garbage that I see people ingesting everyday?! *sigh* I'm sure we're all guilty of this...but I just wonder...WHY are we like this? Why is it such a normal thing to look at others in such a judgmental way? And why is it even MORE normal to judge yourself in such a harsh way? We all have diatribes of negative self-talk running through our heads most of the day. Think about it. How often do you actually think NICE things about yourself? It's never "Wow, you're doing a great job today", it's more "Damn girl, you've got fat thighs". We aren't nice to ourselves. We beat ourselves down...but who will be there to build us back up?? If you don't start loving that fat ballerina in the mirror, no one will. You'll drag yourself down into a pit of despair that may be very hard to ever climb out of. It's easier said than done, I know. But start with yourself. Stop the negative self-talk. Try to say at least 1 nice thing to yourself everyday. Or for every bad thought you have, replace it with something positive. It may change your whole outlook on life...or at least help you see someone smiling back at you in the mirror...

Focus

"Excellence is in the details. Give attention to the details and excellence will come." -Perry Paxson


I'm pretty sure I've been going about it all wrong. I focus on the end result, on the big picture. I don't pay attention to the little things along the way. The little steps and changes ultimately add up to create a larger, more complete victory. As they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day". But I suppose that's vastly different than the society that we live in today. We are in a fast-paced, multi-tasking place. You simply can't do one thing at a time, lest you're thought of as lazy or "slow". We've created a culture of instant gratification with no signs of slowing. Our governments have to regulate things that make complete sense...like don't text while driving. Duuuuh. I have a lot of friends that do this and to be honest, it scares me. People drive badly enough as it is, you don't need another distraction. Sure, sure, you can tell me that studies show that bans on texting don't lead to less accidents. BUt guess what? Do you want to be another statistic? No. Didn't think so.

Our lives move at such a clip nowadays that I find it hard to focus. Or maybe it's that I want to "focus" on more than one thing. I want everything to be fixed at once, but hard work takes time, and time takes patience. And those of you who know me understand that patience is not my strongest suit. Sure, I've gotten better as I get older, but man, it's hard. I've looked for the quickest solution to every problem, which sometimes leads to dealing with that problem AGAIN later on down the road since I never really fixed it in the first place. It's like when you buy something and you buy the cheaper one to "save money", but then end up replacing it in a year or two because it's broken down. You get what you pay for. And in my life, I've certainly gotten what I've "paid" for. Yeah, I got good grades in school...but did I study and really apply myself? Hell no. I could have done more with myself where that was concerned, but back in my early school days, I realized that I didn't have to work that hard to do well. I was lucky, or so I thought. I didn't have to study much like other kids. And so I didn't. I could have studied and gotten into smart kid colleges, but I just didn't apply myself. I took the easy way out. And other than this whole weight loss/healthy living journey, I've always taken the easy way out. I say I'm a singer, but I don't put the work in. I say I want a new job, but again, don't put the time in to better my situation. But this is going to stop.

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to spend time with a very intelligent and helpful friend of mine. JK and I both have things in our lives that we'd like to change. He's on the brink of making a very big step in his life as far as finances and career are concerned. He's a very gifted writer and is trying to create a way for that to become a much bigger focus in his life. But, like all of us, you must find ways to pay the bills while you're pursuing your dreams. We talked at length about how fear keeps us from really stepping out of our comfort zones and trying to see what we can do when we really push ourselves. We both have tended to sit back and let life take us where it will instead of fighting for what we really want. But I'll tell you what, having someone throw stuff back into my face as far as "why aren't you doing this? what do you want to achieve? etc" was very eye-opening, extremely tough to hear, but absolutely needed. I think having someone else there, not allowing you to make excuses is very important. I finally, for the first time, admitted to someone that I am a huge time waster. I actually said it out loud. I admitted that I really don't do anything of consequence on most days, other than working out. THAT has become a priority in my life, but these other things have not. Yes, I work early in the morning, but my work day is done by noon or so. That leaves at least 9-10 more hours of the day to be used in a productive way. But what do I generally do? Watch TV. Or spend entirely too much time on the internet. Sure, the internet can be a wonderful place when used for job hunting, opera learning, etc. But am I doing that? Absolutely not. I am on the eternal time-suck known as Facebook...waiting with baited breath for someone to comment, for someone to say something. It's like I think I'm going to miss something. But just like the TV, it will be there later. I have to get that through my thick skull. I feared that when I bought this laptop that my internet time would increase exponentially...and I was right. It certainly has. JK and I set up this amazing spreadsheet with the days of the week on it and time goals for each day, for me, focusing on at least an hour a day of singing/learning and 30 min-1 hr of job searching/resume building/cover letter writing, etc. His focuses on the steps that he'll need to take this big leap in about a month.

I feel good about this. I feel like I can really stick to it, if I think about it in a one day at at time way. I need to remember that I've done work like this already. I didn't lose 80 lbs in one day. Each day counts towards a much more rewarding end result. I have to learn to enjoy the process, the learning, the practicing. I can't say I've ever really ENJOYED practicing, but it's time to try. I need to reignite my love for singing and performing. I see others perform and I get jealous. I want to be on the stage. I don't want to sing in my apartment for no one to hear. I want to share my gift and learn from others and collaborate. I was never interested in being a soloist...I always liked playing/singing in a group sort of setting, be it playing in an ensemble or being in a cast of an opera or a musical. The only way to get back to the place I love is to put in the work so that I deserve to be back there once and for all.

And so, here I go...

Creatures of Habit

*Just a warning, this got A LOT deeper than I had intended when I started writing...*


Take a moment to think about a day in the life of you. You could probably use the terms "typical", "same old, same old", "predictable" to describe this day, I'd say. You wake up at the same time, probably go about getting ready in the same order, drive/commute/walk the same way to work. If you have a "traditional" job, where you go somewhere to work, life is probably generally the same everyday. You may not do the EXACT same thing, but chances are good, it's similar. You eat lunch at the same time everyday, perhaps even the same thing. You may go to the same coffee shop at 4pm for a pick-me-up. Work is over, head home, probably the same way you came to work, make dinner, eat dinner, watch TV. Go to bed. End of day.

It's amazing how we manage to get ourselves into this pattern. Good or bad, that's your life. A series of "choices" that seem to result in the same end game. Why? Probably because deep down, we are comforted by things being the same. You find something that works for you and you stick with it. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it", right? As a professional caffeine dealer, I see the epitome of creatures of habit every single morning. Some of these folks have had the exact same drink/pastry for 4 years. Seriously?! I mean, I get that you like what you like, but come on now...maybe a little variety?? But then, I start to wonder if it's because they really WANT that, or if they've conditioned themselves to "need" it. Obviously, caffeine is certainly one of those things. For those of you who know me, know that I don't really drink a lot of caffeine. I will, once in awhile, actually make a half-caf latte at the Bux, or on my days off, I'll get regular iced coffee down at True Grounds, but I wouldn't say I NEED it. Sometimes I feel like I could use a little perk up...although, I'll be honest...sometimes I feel like my heart's going to explode from just a little bit of caffeine. Perhaps I've gone the OTHER way, and conditioned myself NOT to need it. I never drank soda for the caffeine, I wanted the sugar.

But think of the choices you make on a daily basis...especially regarding food. Are you really hungry? Or do you make that trip to the convenience store/coffee shop because you've trained yourself that because it's 3pm, it's time to go there? I decided that this week I'd get "back on track" as far as my food was concerned. I've plateaued at 80 lbs lost (or 75 depending on the hour/day/week) since the beginning of August. Although, I hate to use the work plateau because it's not like I've been working my ass off and nothing is happening. I've been eating, not necessarily "recklessly", just not being as vigilant as I once was. Plus, my workouts haven't been nearly as consistent. My main goal this week was to avoid eating any Sbux sandwiches. I had gotten myself into the habit of eating one (bfast wrap, panini, rf turkey bacon) on my half hour break around 10am. No problem, right? Well, BIG problem considering I'd then come home around 1230 or 1 and eat something then too. I've upped my water intake this week as well, and tried to limit myself to only 1 or 2 coffee drinks, lessening the amount of sugar/syrups that I would put in them as well. It's doing the trick, little by little...the scale is moving again...downward motion, thank goodness.

What do you do out of habit? Do you act a certain way because people "expect" you to? It makes me think back to when I decided to go to IUP. I chose IUP because it was 5 hours from home and NO ONE I knew from high school was going there. I saw this as my chance to finally be who I wanted to be and not who everyone expected me to be. I finally had to sink or swim on my own. I was terrified, yet sweetly rewarded by finding an amazing group of friends and slowly shaping who I'd become today. Now, of course, hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 and I, like everyone, regret some of my actions. I may or may not have been the person I really wanted to be when putting others down...hoping that would keep them from putting ME down. I was secretly trying to build myself up, and unfortunately that's the only way I thought would work. Self-esteem is a difficult thing. You don't really know how to fix it. No one really teaches you that. You learn how to survive. You learn how to build up that wall around yourself so that no words will hurt. Sarcasm is an amazing wall. Trust me, I know. I don't know why, but even now, I still find myself acting in ways that I KNOW I shouldn't. Is this out of habit?? Is this so that I won't show my vulnerability? Is this self-preservation?

This journey has revealed things about myself that I never really knew existed. I tricked myself into thinking I was happy. But when I really looked deep inside, I realized that I wasn't. And as some of you know, no matter how much weight you lose, you may be physically different, but your mind won't change. The habits are still there. Your personality is still there, good or bad. As we've heard in movies, or wherever, "I may be fat, but I can lose weight. And you'll always be a bitch." Am I a bitch? Will I go from being a fat bitch to a skinny bitch? How many people have I hurt in my life just to try to make myself feel better? God, this hurts to even think about. I feel like I have the best intentions, but I bet it certainly doesn't come out that way. Am I subconsciously trying to inflict pain on people so that they'll feel the pain that I've felt throughout my life? That is just wrong.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who has rationalized themselves into thinking that they're the victim. It's never MY fault. It's always someone else's fault. It's not my fault that I didn't get that job. Not my fault I didn't get that part. Not my fault he won't go out with me. But I suppose the only way to truly become the person I've wanted to be is to take ownership of my faults, and my successes. I shouldn't be handed anything. Maybe that's a cosmic reason why I didn't get that job. The interview fell into my lap, I didn't do anything to earn it. i need to start working harder to achieve the life I want. I need to stop playing the victim. I need to allow people to see the real me and to stop hiding. Good things will come to me when I deserve them. Right now, in a state of complacency and laziness, I shouldn't really get anything. Maybe that's why I haven't lived up to my potential AT ALL...

I could have a great job...instead of a job that I tolerate.

I could be an amazing singer...instead of a "singer" who doesn't sing anywhere. That's like saying I'm an astronaut. "Where are you astronauting?" "Oh, nowhere right now."

I could be a better runner...instead of a mentally weak runner who has trouble pushing herself.

I could have a life that I'm proud to talk about...instead of feeling shameful of what I do for a living, and how I feel like I've thrown away the chance to do anything worthwhile with myself.

Am I living this life out of habit? Am I afraid to change? Life could be SO much better, if only I'd take that chance and work hard. Harder than I've ever worked before.

How do you measure a year?

This week marks my one year "fat-iversary". One year ago, on Sept 21st, I chose to start living a different life. I haven't had a drop of soda since then. I chose to put myself first and to take control of my health. As I think about how different things are now, I get very excited by the progress that I've made and feel very proud of myself. I've never done anything that consistently in my life. I always come up with excuses, allow things to get in the way, and just manage to fall off the wagon. The difference now is that I am not interested in falling off of this wagon any time soon.

It's true that I've been self-sabotaging a bit lately. I've been eating "carelessly". I put it in quotes because it's not quite the right word. I haven't been gorging on completely ridiculous things, I just haven't been nearly as vigilant as I was in the beginning. I was really good about drinking water, and not eating crap at Sbux. I don't eat the pastries, but for me, it's the leftover paninis or breakfast wraps that are tempting. Why? I have no idea. Honestly. Sure, they're "good", but in the grand scheme of things, they aren't. They're more appealing than the apple in my purse, but they shouldn't be. Maybe it's the bread. I don't know. I make a good argument in my head that it's better than eating....whatever. And then I eat it. I don't go through eater's remorse, but I definitely feel like I shouldn't have had that. I shouldn't have wasted my energy on it. But for some reason, it's hard to say no. No one is sitting there force feeding me, but I feel it's necessary to do.

A year ago, I made the choice to not eat those foods. I drank only water for at least 6 weeks. I went to the gym at least 3 days a week, and at the time, that was enough. My lifestyle was sedentary, outside of walking to work and being on my feet at work. My body needs a lot more work than that nowadays, and doesn't need all of the extra crap I'm putting in. Why do we do this? You're on a good path and then you get complacent and you start giving yourself allowances...and then before you know it, you ruin all of the hard work you've done to this point so far.

Okay, okay, so i'm being dramatic. I haven't gained 80 lbs back. But I have created a plateau for myself. I've been at the same weight now for almost 2 months. Fluxing up and down by a few pounds here and there. Sure, I don't drink soda, but I'm drinking sugary coffee drinks at work. (Granted, not as sugary as our recipes state, but more than I should have.) I'm creating obstacles for myself again. I'm making this much harder than it needs to be. I was hoping to be at 100 lbs lost by this 1 year mark, and because of my own actions, I am not there. I am not upset. I have done a wonderful thing, but I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know how to keep myself in check, I just need to actually do it.

Why do we feel the need to set ourselves up for failure? I feel that we are all deeply afraid of failure. We WANT to succeed. Yet, we are also somewhat afraid of success. We are afraid of what could happen if we are actually happy. So we choose failure. We choose to let things remain the same. Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.

I chose to rock that boat. I rocked it hard. And now, the waters have calmed. And I've lost my oars. Hard to move forward without one. I probably won't move backwards either, as there is no current to drag me back. But I certainly won't go anywhere. I'll just remain where I am. Some people would be happy with where I've gotten to. And if you had asked me a year ago, if in one year's time I'd be happy and content that had I lost 80 lbs, I probably would have said yes. But now that I've experienced the strength, experienced the highs (and the lows), I want more. I am not content. Proud, yes. Content, no.

And THAT should be motivation enough...

but only time will tell.

But really, next year at this time, will you be content with what you've done?

No regrets. Make it happen.

It takes a village...

Everyday I walk by the Brown School on Willow Street and I suppose I never really noticed, but today as I jogged by at recess time, I realized something very weird. There's a bench on the playground. I came jogging up the street, I hear the kids shrieking and playing, and then I see two kids...both overweight...sitting on the bench while everyone else plays. The boy was reading a book, the girl was eating a bag of Cheetos, licking her fingers, looking happy and uninterested in playing, delighting in her cheesy, salty snack. I looked at the rest of the playground, all of the other kids were running around, chasing each other, playing ball, etc. But these two could not be bothered. As I passed by them, the boy looked up at me, we locked eyes and then he looked back down at his book. In that moment, all I could think was "Get up, kid. You don't want to be me, 20 years from now, working to erase your past. Don't get into these habits now".

Childhood obesity is a huge problem, no pun intended. As our society becomes more technologically advanced, the asses of our children (and ourselves) get seemingly larger. As a kid, you go outside, wait for the bus (or are driven to school), you get to school, you sit down at your desk. You go out to recess, you may or may not run around. You sit around more. Then you go home, at which point you fire up the tv, computer, Wii, whatever and may never actually get any physically activity. Sure, you have gym class for 45 minutes a week...that'll erase a snack sized back of Doritos, maybe.

And as an adult, you've come up with a million and one excuses for why you can't work out, especially if you have kids. Now look, I'm not saying you're a terrible person or a bad parent, please. I have great respect for parents. I, myself, do not have kids, so I don't know the joy/pain/fatigue enjoyed by parents, but I do understand that it's a great challenge. I am trying to stockpile nuggets of wisdom in the event that I ever have a kid so that I don't put him/her down the path of obesity. But anyway, the demands of society and life have certainly put a stranglehold on your time. I get it. You wake up early, get the kids off to school, or get yourself off to work, sit all day at your desk. Your desk may have candy jars on it, someone's in the office may, it's someone's birthday, you have to celebrate with food. You have a "convenient", but nutritionally vacant lunch, because you didn't have time to go out grocery shopping. You have a long commute, you get home, with or without kids, make dinner, watch some tv to unwind and then it's time for bed. You're perpetually tired. You don't have time to eat well. Why is it so much more difficult to take 30 minutes to whip up something nutritious and delicious than driving up to a window and getting "food" in a paper bag? So you can then take an extra 20 minutes to watch TV? Sure, you might hate Rachael Ray, but she's serious when she says it only takes 30 minutes to create a wonderful meal.

I've been lamenting the fact that I feel like I've made some bad decisions in my life, leading me to the point I am now, in many areas of my life, not just healthwise. My wise friend, EOB, said "Well, lately I've been thinking that decisions aren't necessarily good or bad, that's it's all about choice. It was your choice to do this or that." And to be honest, at the time, you agonize over a choice, and it's not good or bad at that point...but as we all know, hindsight is, in fact, 20/20. A lifetime of not so great choices lead me to be overweight. Obese, actually. Let's just be honest. I was obese. I am overweight now. Hooray for small victories. Or large victories. Yeah, I'd say the loss of 80 lbs is a large victory. Sometimes I wish I could hop into my circa 1985 DeLorean and head back to my childhood and make better choices.

But as a kid, you don't know enough by yourself. You have to be guided by your parents. Your parents have to make good choices for you to emulate. I've talked about this before, and I certainly don't want to lay the blame on my parents, but considering that's where I learned my eating habits, this is partially their fault. And seeing those kids on the bench today, really made me think, they will probably go home and have a craptastical snack, which may be like eating another meal. I'll be straight with you, I'd come home and stuff my face...especially when I'd come home to an empty house. Guzzling soda, eating chips, tastykakes, whatever was in the house. And then I'd eat dinner in a few hours. I didn't really eat vegetables as a kid/teenager/early adult...so most of my meals were just meat and carbs. And as it's Friday, these kids may live in a household where it's Pizza Night or something like that. The weekend arrives and they'll sit inside all weekend, playing video games, watching TV, etc. The only good thing I can say was at least the boy was reading a book. (It seems that reading has become obsolete...so that at least made an unfortunate situation somewhat bearable. But THAT discussion is for another time...)

Even as I sit here, attached to my own technological device, I feel a bit guilty, like I should be doing something active. I went for a run today, yet I still feel like I should do more. I suppose I'm realizing that my body is getting used to this certain level of activity and that to see greater results, I need to kick it up a notch. Bam! (Thanks, Emeril.) I need to take my own advice and stop self-sabotaging. The more things change, the more they stay the same. For example, the last few weeks, I've been pretty lax about my food choices. I'm not gaining weight, but certainly not losing it either. But I'll get this overwhelming sense of "hunger", or could just be emptiness, and I want to eat. My kitchen/pantry area is definitely void of nasty junk food. The worst thing I have out there right now is a box of granola or a canister of almonds. So yes, if i chose to eat the entire canister of almonds, that would be bad. But when I graze around and try to satisfy whatever's going on in my mind, I'm stuffing my face with fruit and granola, wishing for chocolate.

And then I remember the times when I used to do that growing up, when the cabinets were filled with sugary deliciousness.

And I remember how I got to the point I was at a year ago.

Fat.

Unhappy.

Lost.

I don't feel lost anymore. Unhappy? Not all the time, that's for sure. Unhappy because of certain things, yes, but not with who I am. That's a big difference. Lost? A little, but again, not for the same reasons. Losing weight doesn't cure all of your ills, that's for sure. But challenging yourself to do things you never thought possible will do wonders for your self-esteem. You realize that you are everything you ever wanted to be and more, but that you had been drowning in negative self-talk and Ho-hos for far too long.

I don't know too many kids personally. But the kids that I do know, I try to impress upon them that they are worth the effort and the hardwork. They shouldn't allow other people to make them feel badly about themselves and that everyone has demons in their past that try to bring you down. I try to teach them the lessons I've learned, trying to steer them away from a path of self-destruction like I was on. If you have kids, show them the way to a healthy, active life. Don't let them go down this path. This is a journey that far too many people are going to need at some point in their lives if we don't help them early on. They say that due to the rising rates of obesity in this country that this current younger generation will actually see a dip in life expectancy thanks to diabetes and heart disease and all of that stuff. Don't let your kids be part of that statistic. Sure, it might be easier to heat up a box of chicken nuggets for dinner, or to give them mac and cheese every night for dinner, but in the long run...will it help them? Your kid's health should be a great priority in your life, only behind your own, perhaps, because without a healthy parent, that kid will be nowhere.

Well ain't that a slap in the...

I really felt that interview went well. I'm pretty sure I said that in the last entry. I felt that way all week. I was confident that I'd at least get a 2nd interview. But, alas, today I received the "we're going with another candidate" email.

Booooooooooo.

Yes, I am disappointed. Yes, I am bummed. But, I suppose considering my experience with auditions, I am not beating myself up. If I don't fit their vision, then I don't get the gig. I have a lot to offer, it's just I don't think that my resume says much about me. It emphasizes the bad choices I've made. It emphasizes that I have potential, but chose to do something else. I really need to figure out how to effectively market myself and to get myself into a better situation.

Not saying that Sbux is a terrible situation. Far from it, actually. After you get the hang of it, it's a relatively "easy" job. Easy in the respect that it's not all that mentally taxing...except for the verbal abuse you suffer from the customers. But it's not a physically easy job. You are constantly moving, constantly getting, doing, running, cleaning, making, etc. In November, it'll be 7 years since I sold my soul to the Siren. I've made comments about it being time to go for about 2 years now...now it's REALLY time. I am near burned out on the job. I certainly don't want to be there. The only saving grace are my lovely coworkers and the few customers that I enjoy seeing.

I took the chance to better my body, and I've seen a lot of success. I still need to keep that focus. But I know that I need to shift my focus to bettering my job situation. I may never be truly happy as far as a job is concerned, unless perhaps, I was singing full time. Now, of course, that is a whole other ball of wax. I will only succeed if I put in the work. Am I putting in the work? No. Am I living up to my potential? Absolutely not. I cannot blame anyone but myself. No one is keeping me from practicing and learning except myself. Am I scared? Yes. Am I afraid of ultimate rejection? Yes. And by that, I mean, that day that someone tells me that I'm not quite cut out for singing and that I should stick to slingin' coffee. Or that maybe I'll never get past community theater, that I should enjoy the small town lights because that's where I'll succeed. *sigh* Yet, then again, there are many times I can't even get cast in THAT stuff. Sure, it had to do with my weight. I've never been considered for a leading role because of my weight. I'm always the funny sidekick, or the cameo character. I'm hoping that when i choose to start auditioning again...very soon...very soon...that I will be rewarded with a chance.

I need to take more chances. Last night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to 2 classes at the Dance Complex in Central Square. I took a "beginner" ballet class that was anything BUT beginner. Luckily, I remember a lot, and can pick things up rather quickly. I did a lot of looking at other people, but who cares, it was hard work! After that, i went to a kickboxing class. Let's talk about a great workout! WOWEEE! I will definitely be going back to these classes. I think I definitely needed a change of pace as far as exercise goes. I'm not all that interested in going to the gym anymore and have even considered canceling my membership BUT I do know that once the weather turns cold, I certainly won't want to run in the cold all the time. I am going to try it though. i'm going to get some cold weather running gear and learn how to do it. I'm going to continue to grow and learn. I am motivated as far as exercising goes...now if food would follow, I'd be good.

I need to figure out a way to carry this motivation over to my singing. I love to sing. I love to perform. But I hate to practice. It's just like my clarinet playing days. That's why I never made it higher than 2nd clarinet. I had NO desire to practice my solo work. I just wanted to play in the group, I felt that's where I really belonged. I love to sing by myself, but I enjoy performing in shows/operas much more. I'm not much of a recitalist. I am in the process of getting some headshots...early in the process, but still. I need to get ones that actually look like me, ones that I am proud of. (I hate mine right now.) I need to find a love of practicing. I need to do a better job of managing my time.

I need.

I need.

I need. Wow. I'm whiny.

Any helpful hints or words of encouragement are always welcome. :-) Or even just a swift kick in the butt too...I can ALWAYS use one of those.

Overwhelming sense of calm.

I've spent the last week driving myself crazy, creating a frenzied storm in my brain, building up the impending job interview as the end-all-be-all of my life. I stressed out at the mall. I kept going to that dark place in my brain, where you don't feel like anything you do is ever going to be good enough. I kept thinking "Why would anyone want me? What have I done? Why do I deserve this?". And of course, I kept dwelling on the fact that I feel like I've made terrible decisions with my life. Wondering how my crappy resume would ever work in my favor, and that I'm so much better than my resume says. It's also hard when you feel like you've done nothing of merit in your life, but the things that you HAVE done are not things that you could include on a resume. So all week, I was nervous, on edge, mind wandering, that kind of thing...imagining what life would be like if I actually get this job...

Then on Thursday, things changed. I had to have a difficult coaching conversation with an Sbux coworker. I'm not very good at "confrontation", but for lack of a better word, that's what I'll call it. It wasn't a harsh conversation, it was just something that needed to happen. She needed help, I needed to help. And as it was happening, and we talked about our roles, I realized that even though I feel like I don't matter a lot of the time...that, in fact, I am very good at my job. Some of the customers make me feel like I am nothing, but without me, their days would be worse. I get their day started right, I serve them in a quick and efficient manner, all while dealing with a ton of interpersonal decisions/issues. I also realized that the skills I've learned and honed while at Sbux will definitely translate into MANY other jobs, including the one I would be interviewing for the following day. Later that night, I had a 7pm tour. Sure, they didn't tip very well, BUT we had a wonderful time. They definitely warmed up and we had a lot of laughs. And I realized that I am very good at THAT job as well. I provide a great service. I am proud of my tour. Sure, it could use some updating, but I'm still really good at it. I do feel like it's definitely worth the ticket price, or even more. Not trying to be cocky, just being honest. I'm not the only one that gives a good tour, but I know I definitely do. So, that contributed to the fact that following that tour, while thinking about the upcoming interview, I was transformed into a calm, confident person...

And the confidence wasn't faked. You know how we all put on an air of confidence and sometimes don't mean it...but at this point, i definitely meant it. I put on my pretty new outfit, and went out into the big, bad world with my mind in the right place. I felt calm and collected, much like I do when I audition. I've luckily gotten to the point that I really don't take it personally anymore if I don't get a role. Sure, I may be disappointed, but I do realize that it's not that I'm not good, it's that I don't fit the "vision" of the director. I am good at what I do, and people will recognize that. I don't need to fake my way through life, I don't need to pretend I'm someone that I'm not. I just went in there and was myself. And you know what? It felt good. I was honest, mature, articulate, funny and hopefully they'll understand that I would be quite an asset to them.

I've made a lot of positive changes in my life in the last year, and I could only hope that as I embark on the 2nd year of healthy living and taking care of myself, that this too, would open up another door of opportunity for me. I'd love to take the step out of my comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory and begin to challenge myself again. I need motivation in all aspects of my life, and the chance to learn something new would probably get the ball rolling in more than one area.

Complacency is what got me to where I was. I was content with my life, eating garbage, laying around, doing nothing. I was content to let life pass me by. As I've made these changes, little steps have turned into giant leaps. I've definitely become a different person, and it's time to allow that person a chance to shine. Don't sit around and let your dreams of a better life drift by. Do your best to achieve whatever you want. Imagine how much happier you would be if you just invested some time in yourself and in your own well-being. I've put others ahead of me for so long, I don't exactly know how to put myself first. But I think it's time I learn. I deserve good things too. I deserve a happy, healthy life. And so do you. But I can't give it to you, and you certainly can't give it me. We can support each other as we reach for those goals. And we can be there to pick each other up if we fall, and be there to celebrate when we succeed. Success is coming. Get ready.

Fitting In

Yesterday was a day of firsts for me. It was the first time I ever walked into an Ann Taylor Store, it was the first time I ever walked into J. Crew. And it was the first time that I realized, had it not been for the outrageous price tags, I could actually SHOP in them! For myself! But I also found yesterday to be an extremely stressful situation. Stress? At the MALL?? Come on, lady, you must be joking! I wish I were...

As you may or may not know, I have a job interview coming up on Friday. As the day approaches, it became more pressing that I really don't have any business appropriate clothing in my wardrobe. As I drop sizes, my old clothes move into boxes, piling up in my kitchen, and my drawers become emptier only to be refilled by Sbux approved clothing, workout clothes, and mostly summer stuff. My ex-corporate type friends suggested that I NOT wear a dress (really the only thing I have that would be deemed even mildly appropriate), and so, the hunt for the perfect outfit began.

I started off in Lane Bryant, as they were having a sale on pants, $30 a pair all over the store. Fabulous. I was pleased to see that I am now in a size 14 in their pants, and a comfy 14, not tight...which means that in a month or so (hopefully), I'll be done with LB forever. I suppose I started my search there, as it was usually my go-to place. I knew that I could find something there and not look like I had raided Grandma's closet. All "plus-sized" ladies know that before LB came along, we were stuck wearing clothes at least 30-40 yrs our senior. It's hard to feel comfortable while wearing a dress with large shoulder pads and brooch-like buttons, material like something off of the window dressings in a fancy house. Painful. In the late 90s, early 2000s, it seemed that LB had a change of heart and decided to start selling trendy clothing in larger sizes. Thank goodness. At least we had a chance to feel normal.

It's weird to now be on the OTHER side. It's weird to feel the freedom to walk into every store in the mall and actually be able to fit in their clothes. Sure, finding what size you REALLY are is hard. It's very different at every store, reminding you that you can't define yourself by your size. You can't let it hurt your feelings when you're a Large at Old Navy, but an XLarge at NY & Co, or you can barely fit into the XLarge at H&M. The fact that choices existed made it really difficult on me to make the "right" choice.

I wandered around the mall for about 3 hours...going back and forth, from one store to the next, then going back through those same stores again. I also find that I don't QUITE get today's fashion. Jeggings? Please. Give me a break. Giant, sloppy looking tunic type shirts to be worn over your jeggings/leggings? Ugh. How do I dress for my age in a way that I feel good about myself, not like I'm trying to be someone I'm not (a 21 yr old whore)? As I wandered from store to store, I reached out for some help via text message to my dear friend TZ in PA. She was nice enough to steer me in the, hopefully, right direction. I know that wearing a blazer or suit isn't necessary, plus I just feel so weird in those. I feel like a kid wearing mommy's clothes when I try to wear that stuff, and I knew that I'd feel uncomfortable at the interview. I'll be nervous enough, I shouldn't put myself in a worse state of mind because of the clothes I choose. In the end, I ended up with a really lovely outfit, that I will definitely wear again, regardless of what happens. I won't curse it for NOT getting me the job, if that happens. A nice pair of dark brown trousers, fit perfectly, a beautiful cream colored tank with light layers of fabric (sort of like ruffles, but not quite, hard to explain), a ballet pink cardigan with little flower detailing on the lapel, a long beaded necklace, and a pair of dark brown wedge heels. I feel feminine and pretty, yet confident and definitely age appropriate, and I don't feel like I'm trying too hard. The idea of dressing like this on a daily basis really feels great. I've never actually had a job where I could dress as I wanted. I've always worked in retail situations where a "uniform" existed. Sure, it's easier on the wallet when you wear polos and khakis, but you also lose a sense of "caring" as far as appearance goes. For anyone who has seen me at 5am at Sbux, you know that I just don't care. It's a little tough to try to pretty yourself up at 4 in the morning. You don't want to wear nice clothes because they'll surely be ruined by coffee, etc. It's amazing how the idea of a wardrobe or how you dress on a daily basis really makes you think differently about yourself...

I feel like a slob most of the time. Most of the time I'm either in Sbux clothes, workout clothes, or jammies. I don't dress like a "normal" person. I dress like a service person. Maybe if I took the time to put on some makeup or whatever, I might feel better about myself, but I think that would just mask the situation. I would like to have a choice about what to wear to work, other than "hmm, black or khaki shorts today?". I would like to look pretty. I would like to feel feminine. I would like to feel a bit more successful in my life. Sure, they always say "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have", but I can't wear nice clothes to Sbux. Doesn't work that way. It makes me jealous when I see these women coming in day after day in their little dresses, skirts, nice clothes...and there I am, covered in mocha and chai.

Jealousy is a good motivator as well. You want what other people have. I want a life where I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. I want a life where I can achieve the things I see in my mind's eye. I would love to be able to get up and go for a run before work, and have that NOT be at 3am...which is why that NEVER happens now. To live in the "normal" world would certainly be weird for a bit...trying to figure out if that's the place for me? Do I belong? Will I fit in? Isn't that always the question though...in every aspect of your life....should I be here? Do I belong here? Will they like me?

At least now, I can at least say that I fit in...the clothes. Still not sure of my place in this world, but honestly...who is?

What a difference 347 days makes...

That's right, friends. In 18 days, I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary of healthy living, and also my 1 year anniversary of no soda. (I had a dream last night that I drank a soda...weird.) I was hoping to get to 100 lbs lost by Sept 21st, but am not going to let that stop my celebration. Up to this point, I've lost 80 lbs, or 77, if you go by what the scale said this morning.

Those of you who are journeying along with me realize that the scale is a very powerful being. It, often times, dictates how you feel about yourself on a particular day. I've been beating up on myself since I got back from my month-long Pennsylvania excursion. I tried hard to stay on a good exercise plan and a decent eating plan, but things got dicey towards the end. And when I went down for my cousin's wedding, I imbibed a few nights in a row. So, I get back and hop on the scale, and it shows that I gained 6 lbs. Then a few days later, still going up...then by this week, it was almost 10 lbs up! Granted, I have not been helping myself. I've found it very difficult to eat vegetables lately. I've wanted sweets and bread, that's it. At least my sweets cravings have been satisfied with a ton of fruit, but only bread can satisfy bread cravings. BUT, the weirdest thing of all, I hop on the scale this morning, and it's down 7 lbs from yesterday, leaving me only up 3 from Pre-PA weight. I'll take it! My body must have been retaining a crapton of water, or maybe a 7 lb alien baby that mysteriously exited my body overnight. I try to do my best to not live life by the scale. But, as you want those numbers to go down, and your greatest fear is to undo everything you've done up to this point, it gets REALLY tough to see the scale "betray" you. You want to pick it up and chuck it out the window.

Fear is sometimes a good motivator. Other times, it becomes so great that it actually causes you to lose all hope, to give up. I've been somewhere in the middle the last 2 weeks. I certainly haven't given up, but I was not eating the way I should be, definitely indulging a few times too many. But the fear of returning to my former self definitely keeps me moving in a positive direction in the grand scheme of things. My fabulously motivating friend, GI Jane, gave me a great shoutout in her own blog this week. I expressed my fears to her and EOB about ruining all of the hard work I've done thus far. EOB knows this all too well. She's been battling the "fat girl" inside for years. Plus, as we're finding out, losing weight doesn't necessarily cure all of your ills. It certainly doesn't create happiness in all aspects of your life. Your problems are still your problems and you need to figure out how to fix them.

I mentioned "change" in my last entry, and ranted on and on about how change is good and how I need to take the steps to change my life. As most of you know, I'm currently working at Sbux, and on Nov 17th, it will be my 7 yr anniversary with them. I have been mentally ready to get out of there for 2 years. But I have never taken the steps to actually get out. I need a change of scenery. I need a new set of challenges. As I have no intentions of moving into management at Sbux, there's really nothing else for me to do there, other than change my schedule and work a different day part. People are predictable, and most of them are definitely creatures of habit. You deal with the same issues day in, day out. It gets mentally exhausting to constantly be problem solving with people who really have no intention of letting the problem actually get solved. They will be miserable no matter what you do. You can't help them. You can say good morning, smile, hand them their coffee and let them get on with their anger-filled lives. It's amazing how after all of these years, you see the same people all the time and they act like they don't know you, or that they don't drink the exact same thing everyday. But then again, you're lucky to have people who take an interest in your life and make you feel like you matter. A little kindness goes a long way. I know that I am good with people, it's just that I need different people. I need to continue making positive changes in my life.

And somehow, someone out there was looking out for me. GI Jane took my resume and turned it into her HR department, didn't say anything, other than put her name on it as a referral, but certainly didn't butter anyone up. And to my great surprise, I got an email this week about how they think I'd be a good fit for a certain position and asked if I could come in for an interview. Now, let's talk about FEAR. My first instinct was to say no. Seriously. I know, you're thinking "WTF?!". But that's where I went. I went to that deep, dark place of "Why would they want me? I have nothing to offer." I don't find my resume to be particularly riveting, but apparently they saw something they liked. I also have a bit of a conscience problem. My thoughts immediately went to my friends at Sbux. I have a bit of a problem about putting everyone else first and myself last. I thought about how I didn't want to mess things up for them, how I know that I play a vital role in that store, even if it is just a warm body to open the door at 5am. I didn't want to cost my manager a chance at a vacation. I didn't want them to be stressed out for weeks until things settled down again, as I've been around through many "changing of the guard" at this store. It's rough. But Andrew made a good point, he said that I've been putting them first for a long time, and that everyone else who walked out that door actually put themselves first and really had no thought for me when they bit the bullet and left. And he's absolutely right. I am worth putting first for once.

I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited. I haven't interviewed for a job since I interviewed for Sbux almost 7 years ago....Ghosts was an audition, not really an interview and it was much more laidback than what I'm expecting next week. I want to show that I am a great person, smart, organized, and not just babble incoherently and resist the urge to get down on my knees and beg for a job. Plus, I need to go shopping. I have no clothes worthy of an interview. I can't imagine life where I don't get up at 4am. But I'd love a chance. I'd love a chance to show that I have a brain in my head and that I can do more than remember your drink and have it made before you get over to the end of the bar. So, next Friday morning at 10am, think of me. Think good thoughts and hopefully we'll have something else to celebrate come the end of September. :-)

Change ain't just a river in....awww hell....wrong saying...

As you may well remember, my Nike+ sensor died an unexpected death last week. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, and although I've been thinking of the wonderful times we've had together, I am trying to do my best to pick up the pieces and move on. On Friday morning, I decided to go on a completely "untethered" run. And by that, I mean, I left my iPod at home. No tunes, just the sounds of the neighborhood, my feet hitting the pavement, and my not-so-awful breathing. I pushed myself farther than I had gone in a long time, at least 3.5 miles total when all was said and done. Now granted, I would like something that tells me how far I've gone. I like the data. I'll admit it. And if I was better at running the same general pace, which I probably am, I could tell you generally how far I've gone if I just looked at a clock.

I ran up the bike path, starting up at the beginning of it off of Cedar St, and then headed through Davis, up across Mass Ave and went almost all the way to Alewife, then turned around and came back. I had to talk myself into going that far. I wanted to turn around at Mass Ave, but there was no reason to stop. I had no time constraints. I went out around 945 am, didn't have any pressing plans until 330 in the afternoon. I'm glad that I pushed myself. I need to stop making excuses. I am in WAY better shape now that I ever have been. Going a few more blocks isn't going to kill me. I am NOT going to keel over from exhaustion. I could probably keep going for quite a while, definitely need a few walking breaks in there, but probably wouldn't fare too badly.

The sounds of my shoes hitting the pavement/gravel/grass/wherever I chose to run was a soothing sound. My breathing, mostly even, and not at all distressed felt good, sounded good. I live in a busy area, so the cars around certainly make noise, but the bike path is a little bit of a retreat from the world. At certain times, you feel like you're almost not in a big city. I felt proud for doing it. Working out without music isn't as awful as it seems to be. I am even considering getting the Nike+ wristband instead of a new sensor. That way, I can track my runs but without the need of the iPod. Don't get me wrong, I love my iPod and my tunes, but I've fallen into quite a pattern. I need to break out of my rut. And perhaps, quiet workouts are the answer.

I went to the gym today, as it's pretty steamy out there. I've had quite the problem getting my ass on a treadmill. I get bored very quickly, but luckily, my certified trainer friend, EO'B suggested I do an interval workout going between 2 machines, choosing between bike, elliptical and treadmill. 30 minutes total, split between the 2 machines...starting with 5 minutes each, then 4, then 3, 2, and 1. It was great. i wasn't bored. I didn't take my iPod out. I watched a bit of Sportscenter while on the elliptical, but the bike had a broken TV. But I found I was motivated to keep moving, was concentrating on my breathing, my form, whatever. NOT concentrating on the timer for reasons other than to say "go faster!". It was quite liberating. Change is good.

I'm also looking into taking some dance classes over at the Dance Complex in Central Square. I took a tap class there when I was still at Longy, and it was fun, just not much of a workout. I don't know if I can justify the $45 a week to take all 4 of the classes I'm interested in. I'm going to take a look at a Stretch class, a Jazz class, a Ballet class and a Cardio Kickboxing class. I think I'm most interested in the Kickboxing. But, I've taken dance previously in my life, so these other classes may be too beginner for me. We'll see. It's been a long damn time, so I might not remember anything anyway. I just think it'll be a great way to get myself moving, and doing something OTHER than running and going to the gym. Plus, it'll get me out of the house and off of the couch. (***Just hooked up the wireless network today, so this is VERY important***) I'm hoping to maybe meet some new people too. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, and I love you readers, but new perspectives and people are always good. It's hard to meet people when you're older and out of school. No matter what you try, it looks like you're hitting on someone else if you show any interest in getting to know them.

My mind is in a little bit of a better place this week than it was last week. I'm feeling the need to really watch what I'm doing, although still guzzled down 3 iced coffees at work today...granted, all decaf, but still. A little bit too much. I almost bought some chocolate milk at the grocery store today, but knew that I'd drink the entire container of it in one day, I'm sure, so I left it there. THAT I consider a victory. I suppose my mindset from last week was also because I'm feeling bored, in all aspects of my life. Everything is the same. I went away for almost a month, and came back, and it was all...the same. I'm the only one who can change that. I have to be willing to stand up and choose something different. I have to step out of my box, buck the system, refuse to accept status quo. But how do you do that? How do I go about changing my life for the better? Yes, I know, I've already started. But how do I continue? How do I roll this hard work over into the other aspects of my life? I look at everything I want to change and I get very overwhelmed. It's hard when you feel like you have to live up to some high expectations that may have been placed on you, or that you've placed on yourself. Trust me, I never thought that my life would be what it is today. I feel I'm a lot smarter and worthwhile than the job I'm in. I'm more valuable than those people make me feel. I'd be an asset to any company. I just have to make someone realize that...