That's right, friends. In 18 days, I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary of healthy living, and also my 1 year anniversary of no soda. (I had a dream last night that I drank a soda...weird.) I was hoping to get to 100 lbs lost by Sept 21st, but am not going to let that stop my celebration. Up to this point, I've lost 80 lbs, or 77, if you go by what the scale said this morning.
Those of you who are journeying along with me realize that the scale is a very powerful being. It, often times, dictates how you feel about yourself on a particular day. I've been beating up on myself since I got back from my month-long Pennsylvania excursion. I tried hard to stay on a good exercise plan and a decent eating plan, but things got dicey towards the end. And when I went down for my cousin's wedding, I imbibed a few nights in a row. So, I get back and hop on the scale, and it shows that I gained 6 lbs. Then a few days later, still going up...then by this week, it was almost 10 lbs up! Granted, I have not been helping myself. I've found it very difficult to eat vegetables lately. I've wanted sweets and bread, that's it. At least my sweets cravings have been satisfied with a ton of fruit, but only bread can satisfy bread cravings. BUT, the weirdest thing of all, I hop on the scale this morning, and it's down 7 lbs from yesterday, leaving me only up 3 from Pre-PA weight. I'll take it! My body must have been retaining a crapton of water, or maybe a 7 lb alien baby that mysteriously exited my body overnight. I try to do my best to not live life by the scale. But, as you want those numbers to go down, and your greatest fear is to undo everything you've done up to this point, it gets REALLY tough to see the scale "betray" you. You want to pick it up and chuck it out the window.
Fear is sometimes a good motivator. Other times, it becomes so great that it actually causes you to lose all hope, to give up. I've been somewhere in the middle the last 2 weeks. I certainly haven't given up, but I was not eating the way I should be, definitely indulging a few times too many. But the fear of returning to my former self definitely keeps me moving in a positive direction in the grand scheme of things. My fabulously motivating friend, GI Jane, gave me a great shoutout in her own blog this week. I expressed my fears to her and EOB about ruining all of the hard work I've done thus far. EOB knows this all too well. She's been battling the "fat girl" inside for years. Plus, as we're finding out, losing weight doesn't necessarily cure all of your ills. It certainly doesn't create happiness in all aspects of your life. Your problems are still your problems and you need to figure out how to fix them.
I mentioned "change" in my last entry, and ranted on and on about how change is good and how I need to take the steps to change my life. As most of you know, I'm currently working at Sbux, and on Nov 17th, it will be my 7 yr anniversary with them. I have been mentally ready to get out of there for 2 years. But I have never taken the steps to actually get out. I need a change of scenery. I need a new set of challenges. As I have no intentions of moving into management at Sbux, there's really nothing else for me to do there, other than change my schedule and work a different day part. People are predictable, and most of them are definitely creatures of habit. You deal with the same issues day in, day out. It gets mentally exhausting to constantly be problem solving with people who really have no intention of letting the problem actually get solved. They will be miserable no matter what you do. You can't help them. You can say good morning, smile, hand them their coffee and let them get on with their anger-filled lives. It's amazing how after all of these years, you see the same people all the time and they act like they don't know you, or that they don't drink the exact same thing everyday. But then again, you're lucky to have people who take an interest in your life and make you feel like you matter. A little kindness goes a long way. I know that I am good with people, it's just that I need different people. I need to continue making positive changes in my life.
And somehow, someone out there was looking out for me. GI Jane took my resume and turned it into her HR department, didn't say anything, other than put her name on it as a referral, but certainly didn't butter anyone up. And to my great surprise, I got an email this week about how they think I'd be a good fit for a certain position and asked if I could come in for an interview. Now, let's talk about FEAR. My first instinct was to say no. Seriously. I know, you're thinking "WTF?!". But that's where I went. I went to that deep, dark place of "Why would they want me? I have nothing to offer." I don't find my resume to be particularly riveting, but apparently they saw something they liked. I also have a bit of a conscience problem. My thoughts immediately went to my friends at Sbux. I have a bit of a problem about putting everyone else first and myself last. I thought about how I didn't want to mess things up for them, how I know that I play a vital role in that store, even if it is just a warm body to open the door at 5am. I didn't want to cost my manager a chance at a vacation. I didn't want them to be stressed out for weeks until things settled down again, as I've been around through many "changing of the guard" at this store. It's rough. But Andrew made a good point, he said that I've been putting them first for a long time, and that everyone else who walked out that door actually put themselves first and really had no thought for me when they bit the bullet and left. And he's absolutely right. I am worth putting first for once.
I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited. I haven't interviewed for a job since I interviewed for Sbux almost 7 years ago....Ghosts was an audition, not really an interview and it was much more laidback than what I'm expecting next week. I want to show that I am a great person, smart, organized, and not just babble incoherently and resist the urge to get down on my knees and beg for a job. Plus, I need to go shopping. I have no clothes worthy of an interview. I can't imagine life where I don't get up at 4am. But I'd love a chance. I'd love a chance to show that I have a brain in my head and that I can do more than remember your drink and have it made before you get over to the end of the bar. So, next Friday morning at 10am, think of me. Think good thoughts and hopefully we'll have something else to celebrate come the end of September. :-)
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