I really felt that interview went well. I'm pretty sure I said that in the last entry. I felt that way all week. I was confident that I'd at least get a 2nd interview. But, alas, today I received the "we're going with another candidate" email.
Booooooooooo.
Yes, I am disappointed. Yes, I am bummed. But, I suppose considering my experience with auditions, I am not beating myself up. If I don't fit their vision, then I don't get the gig. I have a lot to offer, it's just I don't think that my resume says much about me. It emphasizes the bad choices I've made. It emphasizes that I have potential, but chose to do something else. I really need to figure out how to effectively market myself and to get myself into a better situation.
Not saying that Sbux is a terrible situation. Far from it, actually. After you get the hang of it, it's a relatively "easy" job. Easy in the respect that it's not all that mentally taxing...except for the verbal abuse you suffer from the customers. But it's not a physically easy job. You are constantly moving, constantly getting, doing, running, cleaning, making, etc. In November, it'll be 7 years since I sold my soul to the Siren. I've made comments about it being time to go for about 2 years now...now it's REALLY time. I am near burned out on the job. I certainly don't want to be there. The only saving grace are my lovely coworkers and the few customers that I enjoy seeing.
I took the chance to better my body, and I've seen a lot of success. I still need to keep that focus. But I know that I need to shift my focus to bettering my job situation. I may never be truly happy as far as a job is concerned, unless perhaps, I was singing full time. Now, of course, that is a whole other ball of wax. I will only succeed if I put in the work. Am I putting in the work? No. Am I living up to my potential? Absolutely not. I cannot blame anyone but myself. No one is keeping me from practicing and learning except myself. Am I scared? Yes. Am I afraid of ultimate rejection? Yes. And by that, I mean, that day that someone tells me that I'm not quite cut out for singing and that I should stick to slingin' coffee. Or that maybe I'll never get past community theater, that I should enjoy the small town lights because that's where I'll succeed. *sigh* Yet, then again, there are many times I can't even get cast in THAT stuff. Sure, it had to do with my weight. I've never been considered for a leading role because of my weight. I'm always the funny sidekick, or the cameo character. I'm hoping that when i choose to start auditioning again...very soon...very soon...that I will be rewarded with a chance.
I need to take more chances. Last night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to 2 classes at the Dance Complex in Central Square. I took a "beginner" ballet class that was anything BUT beginner. Luckily, I remember a lot, and can pick things up rather quickly. I did a lot of looking at other people, but who cares, it was hard work! After that, i went to a kickboxing class. Let's talk about a great workout! WOWEEE! I will definitely be going back to these classes. I think I definitely needed a change of pace as far as exercise goes. I'm not all that interested in going to the gym anymore and have even considered canceling my membership BUT I do know that once the weather turns cold, I certainly won't want to run in the cold all the time. I am going to try it though. i'm going to get some cold weather running gear and learn how to do it. I'm going to continue to grow and learn. I am motivated as far as exercising goes...now if food would follow, I'd be good.
I need to figure out a way to carry this motivation over to my singing. I love to sing. I love to perform. But I hate to practice. It's just like my clarinet playing days. That's why I never made it higher than 2nd clarinet. I had NO desire to practice my solo work. I just wanted to play in the group, I felt that's where I really belonged. I love to sing by myself, but I enjoy performing in shows/operas much more. I'm not much of a recitalist. I am in the process of getting some headshots...early in the process, but still. I need to get ones that actually look like me, ones that I am proud of. (I hate mine right now.) I need to find a love of practicing. I need to do a better job of managing my time.
I need.
I need.
I need. Wow. I'm whiny.
Any helpful hints or words of encouragement are always welcome. :-) Or even just a swift kick in the butt too...I can ALWAYS use one of those.
no words of advice. but you have all of my sympathy.
ReplyDeletei will share the suggestion one of my art teachers gave me:
She suggested setting a day and time to force, if necessary, yourself into the studio. She said sometimes she is tired and doesn't want to battle a drawing, but that you have to do it. you have to push yourself.
i used to be good about that day/time thing. it was always my second day of me weekend. Monday relax. Tuesday by one pm. paint, or draw, or read about art, etc. But it's hard and i get lazy about it. i forget how important that times is to my self-esteem. I am much more used to berating myself for not doing and living with the weight of the guilt.
so, i guess there was a little advice and sympathy for ya. Let me know how it goes.