I've spent the last week driving myself crazy, creating a frenzied storm in my brain, building up the impending job interview as the end-all-be-all of my life. I stressed out at the mall. I kept going to that dark place in my brain, where you don't feel like anything you do is ever going to be good enough. I kept thinking "Why would anyone want me? What have I done? Why do I deserve this?". And of course, I kept dwelling on the fact that I feel like I've made terrible decisions with my life. Wondering how my crappy resume would ever work in my favor, and that I'm so much better than my resume says. It's also hard when you feel like you've done nothing of merit in your life, but the things that you HAVE done are not things that you could include on a resume. So all week, I was nervous, on edge, mind wandering, that kind of thing...imagining what life would be like if I actually get this job...
Then on Thursday, things changed. I had to have a difficult coaching conversation with an Sbux coworker. I'm not very good at "confrontation", but for lack of a better word, that's what I'll call it. It wasn't a harsh conversation, it was just something that needed to happen. She needed help, I needed to help. And as it was happening, and we talked about our roles, I realized that even though I feel like I don't matter a lot of the time...that, in fact, I am very good at my job. Some of the customers make me feel like I am nothing, but without me, their days would be worse. I get their day started right, I serve them in a quick and efficient manner, all while dealing with a ton of interpersonal decisions/issues. I also realized that the skills I've learned and honed while at Sbux will definitely translate into MANY other jobs, including the one I would be interviewing for the following day. Later that night, I had a 7pm tour. Sure, they didn't tip very well, BUT we had a wonderful time. They definitely warmed up and we had a lot of laughs. And I realized that I am very good at THAT job as well. I provide a great service. I am proud of my tour. Sure, it could use some updating, but I'm still really good at it. I do feel like it's definitely worth the ticket price, or even more. Not trying to be cocky, just being honest. I'm not the only one that gives a good tour, but I know I definitely do. So, that contributed to the fact that following that tour, while thinking about the upcoming interview, I was transformed into a calm, confident person...
And the confidence wasn't faked. You know how we all put on an air of confidence and sometimes don't mean it...but at this point, i definitely meant it. I put on my pretty new outfit, and went out into the big, bad world with my mind in the right place. I felt calm and collected, much like I do when I audition. I've luckily gotten to the point that I really don't take it personally anymore if I don't get a role. Sure, I may be disappointed, but I do realize that it's not that I'm not good, it's that I don't fit the "vision" of the director. I am good at what I do, and people will recognize that. I don't need to fake my way through life, I don't need to pretend I'm someone that I'm not. I just went in there and was myself. And you know what? It felt good. I was honest, mature, articulate, funny and hopefully they'll understand that I would be quite an asset to them.
I've made a lot of positive changes in my life in the last year, and I could only hope that as I embark on the 2nd year of healthy living and taking care of myself, that this too, would open up another door of opportunity for me. I'd love to take the step out of my comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory and begin to challenge myself again. I need motivation in all aspects of my life, and the chance to learn something new would probably get the ball rolling in more than one area.
Complacency is what got me to where I was. I was content with my life, eating garbage, laying around, doing nothing. I was content to let life pass me by. As I've made these changes, little steps have turned into giant leaps. I've definitely become a different person, and it's time to allow that person a chance to shine. Don't sit around and let your dreams of a better life drift by. Do your best to achieve whatever you want. Imagine how much happier you would be if you just invested some time in yourself and in your own well-being. I've put others ahead of me for so long, I don't exactly know how to put myself first. But I think it's time I learn. I deserve good things too. I deserve a happy, healthy life. And so do you. But I can't give it to you, and you certainly can't give it me. We can support each other as we reach for those goals. And we can be there to pick each other up if we fall, and be there to celebrate when we succeed. Success is coming. Get ready.
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