Negative Nancy

I found out that an acquaintance had asked a close friend of mine why I was such a "Negative Nancy". At first I was quite upset, wondering HOW in the world she could've ever thought that about me. But then the more this notion tossed around in my brain, I think I became MORE upset because IT'S TRUE. I've hidden behind this facade of sarcasm, cynicism and bravado for years. Why? Not quite sure. So, I did what any normal person would do...

I googled "How to stop being too negative". I came across a website called Succeed Socially.com. Yup. Now, at this point, as I begin reading the article, I'm still in denial, reading along, going "Nah, that's not...me....uh...no....huh...maybe....damn it!". I definitely have a HUGE problem with this. I think I'm more of the "subtle" type of pessimist, that I don't realize I'm doing it. I'm reading some more and come upon the "Signs You May Be Too Negative" section and see myself staring back from these seemingly innocent statements. The list included 10 bullet points...these 4 sum me up to a tee.

-You're always complaining about things, even it's in a rational, logical, "This is an interesting tidbit to mull over" kind of way.
-If someone suggests something you're really quick to point out why it won't work or why it's a bad idea.
-Sometimes you get this glee when you're being negative with someone else and tearing something down.
-If something is going well, you've got a dozen reasons why it actually sucks and won't work out.

So, after that difficult self-realization, I keep reading (i'm a glutton for punishment, apparently...is that negative? or just true? both?) and come upon the "Reasons people can be too negative" section.

-Life isn't that great for them at the moment.
-Someone hasn't had the greatest past, and it hasn't given them a reason to think the world is anything else than a disappointing, negative place.
-Some may use negative observations as a way to prop up their shaky self-esteem. They criticize things to feel better about themselves, whether to knock everything down to their level and/or to boost their ego by feeling smart and capable for noticing the flaws in things.
-Negativity can be used as a perverse coping mechanism. If you lower your expectations then nothing disappoints you. Or you may be mentally invested in the idea that nothing will work out, and your negativity unconsciously acts to keep things that way.

THEN it goes on to say that some people may view their negativity as a good thing...
-Some people simply fall into the habit of complaining too much.
-People can also rely on negativity as a crutch in conversations. They wouldn't know what to say if they weren't complaining about or critiquing something.
-Some of us picked up a negative style from people we knew growing up.
-Negative people can think they're being intellectual. They see noticing the flaws in things as a sign of perceptiveness, analytical ability, and honed critical thinking skills.
-Some people can be a little too rational and not in touch with their emotions. Negative information doesn't seem like a big deal to them because they're not tuned into its unpleasant emotional weight. It's just as valid a thing to bring up as anything else.
-It may be part of someone's humor. They may think they're being a clever, observational comedian or commentator by pointing out the flaws in things.
-People can associate being cynical and overly skeptical towards certain things with being 'in the know' and aware of how the world really works.


The more I read, the more upset I got because it was like I needed a goddamn checklist. Yes, uh huh, yup, bingo. Okay, so this isn't the first time I've heard this...it's just the first time I've HEARD this. I don't WANT to hear it. I don't WANT people to think of me this way. I guess I truly realize that I am becoming my mother. I think for me, it's a combo of a learned behavior from her and poor self-esteem. I haven't ever really been truly happy with myself and never had a true cheerleader in my life. You expect that to come from your parents when you are a kid, but all I heard was negative things, not necessarily about ME, but in general. My parents separated when I was 13, from then on, everything and everyone was out to get her. I suppose when you hear that all of the time, it's hard not to believe it or assume that's the way the world works. I spent most of my life being down on myself, not feeling good enough, and not ever really been able to accept my successes as real and true.

Wow. I've got some issues.

But even with all of this...I somehow managed to find Andrew. He's such a kind, loving, supportive man and I couldn't have ever asked for someone so right for me. He makes me see the joy in the world. I am truly lucky to have him. I have plenty of wonderful friends in my life as well and I feel like I have burdened them with this. So, if any of you are reading...I'm sorry. I guess I just haven't realized what I've been doing. I don't really have any idea of what to do or how to change this...but I'll try. The website suggests that I "bite my tongue". Will that change my actual thinking? Probably not. THAT is what truly needs to change.

This won't be easy. Not quite sure what to do or say...*sigh*.

Back on the horse...

I don't want to toot my own horn or start congratulating myself quite yet, but I've been doing pretty well with exercising and tracking my food for the last 2 weeks. I started using the website, Lose It!, and although it's not the BEST site I've used, it's certainly doing the trick right now. (I used Sparkpeople at one point, and Livestrong. I think they're both more comprehensive in food listings and whatnot, but whatever.) This one is almost like Facebook for health...you can have friends, you can see stuff that they've entered. It keeps you accountable, if you happen to have some friends. :-) I am lucky to have 2 that are using it right now. I'm also excited to say that I've lost 5 lbs in those 2 weeks. (Small victory--getting back into my "other" jeans, not my favorite pair, but the only other pair that I own and the ones that aren't wearing through in the thighs. Yay.)

I've been doing a good weight training circuit from the latest Women's Health magazine. I made myself get on the treadmill this week and do some walk/running. I've had this major disconnect with running. I have no desire to do it right now. I don't want to go out and run. I don't want to sign up for any races right now. I don't know what's going on, but hopefully I'll be able to solve that problem soon. SO, instead of just giving up, I decided to try some other avenues. I ordered a couple new exercise DVDs...
-Bob Harper's "Beginner's Weight Loss Transformation"
-Bob's "Ultimate Cardio Body"
-Bob's "Totally Ripped Core"
-Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred"

I just got them a few days ago and today, I tossed the "Beginner's" one into the ol' DVD player. Good Lord. Beginner, my ass. I mean, some of this stuff was ridiculous. He called them "squat thrusts", but I've heard them called "burpees". Yeah. Fuck off, burpees. I was moaning, muttering "Bob, you suck", as I hoisted myself up and down. I hung in there for the whole time, but there were definitely some other things that I couldn't do. For example...high and low planks. You are in push-up position, then you go down to your elbows into plank, then you go back to your hands in push-up. WTF. Tricep pushups? Right. My arms are NOT strong enough yet to do these things completely. And that's okay. Strengthening my arms is definitely one of my major goals, esp with my upcoming nuptials and my beautiful dress. I want my arms to look smokin' hot. :-)

And that being said, if I don't lose a single pound between now and my wedding, I know that I will look beautiful, but more importantly, I will feel beautiful. I found MY dress. It is perfect, for me. And even if I didn't have a beautiful dress, I'll have an awesome guy waiting at the end of the aisle for me. :-) But, I know that if I stay focused on MY HEALTH and not on what I'll look like, I'll probably have more success. My energy level has definitely gone up. I feel sated when I eat, even when I eat "healthy" foods. I also know that i need to focus on adding more fruits and veggies to my day.

But, all in all, I FEEL GOOD. I forgot what it feels like to feel good. I have a lot of things to be happy about right now. And as a wise friend has told me, time and time again, I need to just "let the love in". I need to revel in my successes and in my joys. I don't think that means that I'm conceited, does it? I think I do a lot of suppressing of my emotions because I don't want to come off as a bragger or an egomaniac.

And maybe sometimes I feel like I don't deserve success, or love, or happiness. I don't work hard enough to reap the benefits that I SO want out of life. I want to be a REAL singer. Sure, I sing. Do I practice? Not a lot. Do I learn about singing? Do I attend performances? No. Do I audition? Occasionally. WHy do I do this? Not sure. I recall in high school that I did the same thing with classwork. I never had to work TOO hard to get good grades. Was I afraid of success because I didn't want to stand out? Perhaps. I got to college and was still used to coasting by. I got decent grades, but never truly developed my potential. I sightread my way through 7 semesters of clarinet lessons. I practiced my stuff for the ensembles that I was in because I loved to play in the group, just not the solo stuff. I suppose my life could best be represented by an iceberg. The tip of that iceberg is what I've unearthed through actual hardwork and motivation. The rest of that iceberg is my true potential, and yet, I choose to let it remain below the surface.

How do I change? How do I focus? How do I make the most out of my life at the age of 32? How do I let the love in?