I apologize ahead of time...this entry may be a hodgepodge of everything swirling around in my head, some weight-loss related, others not. It's been awhile since I've blogged, the idea of organization eludes me right now.
First things first...this month has been an absolute weight-loss disaster. We hosted our annual holiday party on Dec 4th, at which I had some lighter fare, as well as some tasty cookies and goodies. I made sure to eat dinner before the night actually started so as to not eat my weight in party food. I remember that my pre-planning helped out. I wasn't hungry, didn't spend the night grazing. In fact, I was so busy saying hello and welcoming people that I barely felt like I had time to stop and do much of anything. But then on Monday, the 6th, we started Tech Week for Scrooge. I did myself a giant disservice by not going grocery shopping, or at least not BIG shopping. I grabbed a few things and hoped it would help. It did not. I bought a lot of crappy food at the Tedeschi's in Cleary Square or bought food on the way down there. I certainly didn't want to eat that crap, but I just did anyway. And I've also started a bad habit of eating some old pastries at Starbucks again. Mostly croissants. For some reason, I've rationalized in my mind that it's okay to have that as it's "only 310 calories", or that it's just like bread. Uhhhh not quite. I've also been drinking a few too many drinks in the morning as well. Now, granted, I usually only use 2 packs of Sugar in the Raw, or 2 pumps of syrup...as opposed to the 5 or 6 I used to have. But when you have 2-3 "venti" sized nonfat lattes, the calories still add up. *sigh*
I'm trying not to beat myself up, but I have to find the motivation that fueled me for so long. The cold weather/snow doesn't help either. You just want to pack in the food, or at least I do. I want to chow down and feel the warmth of the food in my belly. Why can't that food be healthy veggies? I have no problem eating fruit, in fact, that's what I want most of the time...after my meals. I've developed this weird habit of needing something sweet after eating if my meal doesn't include something sweet. I can't figure out how to break this vicious cycle right now. I should probably do EOB's detox again, it would certainly help. I just have to find the willpower. I don't know why I've gotten into my old mindset...If I don't have it now, I'll never have it again. WHAT THE HELL?! Where is this coming from? I thought I had gotten over that. It's amazing how "old habits die hard". I thought i had control of these demons and it's somewhat humbling to know that you never truly have control over something like that. I suppose it's MY CHOICE to do these things. My choice to eat that food. My choice. And it will be my choice to get back in gear.
Speaking of getting back in gear, I need to get myself back to the gym as well. I don't want to be seen as one of those dreaded "resolutionists". I know, how ridiculous! I don't want to be labeled. I want to wear a sign that says "I'm not new, I just haven't been here for awhile". I can't believe I'm worrying if people think I'm just another of those January 1sters...or 3rders in this case. I bet that'll be the big day. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me. I've been doing a great job of not worrying about what other people think about me, especially at the gym, but for some reason this really bugs the shit out of me. I certainly need to get over that. Immediately.
The giant snowstorm put a damper on my running hopes. I ran on Christmas day and it was glorious. I certainly love the solitude and the quiet. (Sure, running in the city isn't always quiet, but in my mind it's quiet.) I haven't run with music in over 3 months I think...and I just love it. I love the running, the feeling it gives me, I love the races. How do you run in the snow and slop without killing yourself? I suppose I just have to do it and hope for the best. I need to remind myself that I do, in fact, love how I feel when I'm running. I love how I feel afterwards. It is always a reward. Why can I not remember that when I'm internally whining about not wanting to go out?!
I am experiencing an internal struggle in my mind. It's like my very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario in there. I want to do well for myself, i want to feel better, i want to workout. But then I want to eat some "bad" foods. And it's funny because it's not all junk food. I am not interested in fast food or anything like that...but I want cheese. And bread. Sandwiches. Cookies. Do I feel like i deserve a reward for doing so well for all of these months? Or am I just being lazy and complacent? (Probably a little of both.) We always use "The Holidays" as an excuse to overindulge. I didn't eat nearly as much as I would have in the past...no second helpings of dinners this past weekend. It was the sweets that killed me. I made friends with these delicious mint choco chip cookies that Rosie made and couldn't help myself.
And as these thoughts are swirling around in my head, so are the thoughts that I am about to embark on one of the most momentous occasions of my life...my wedding. I am in the absolute beginning stages of planning. Overwhelmed by the fact of not having any money and trying to come up with something that will fulfill my dreams of having an awesome day. Sure, I know that it's all about me and Andrew and wherever we are, whatever we're doing, we'll be getting married, and that'll be great. But everyone dreams about their wedding. They want it to be special. I know that I'll have to put a hell of a lot of work into it to make it all of that...and I am committed to doing so. And then of course, in the back of my mind, the thought of being able to wear any dress I want is also quite thrilling. I plan on being at least 20-30 lbs lighter by that point...if not more. But then again, it all goes back to getting my ass in gear.
*sigh* I do not want to make New Year's resolutions, as they usually fail come MLK day. But I do need to make a renewed commitment to myself. To my future. To my fiancee. To my life. I need to recommit to the life I've found, the life I want to lead, and the way I want to feel. I've lost my motivation and I need to find it. But where? How?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Scrooge Within
I don't know about you, but most of the times, the holiday season seems to bring me more stress and frustration than merriment and joy. I can't say I've truly enjoyed a complete holiday season in many years. Now, granted, the traveling aspect is really a drag. You rush from one place to another, not really getting to relax and enjoy each other until it's time to rush off to see someone else. You feel obligated to stuff everyone into a small time frame, and then you just feel exhausted and unfulfilled afterwards. (That's what she said...)
I'm hoping that this year may be different. We aren't traveling to PA to see my family until January 6th. But, my schedule is pretty full up until Christmas anyway. After "Scrooge" is over this weekend, my nighttime activities will at least be filled with time with friends. I'm hoping that it will bring me out of the seasonal depression I seem to be in. I get stressed out about money, trying to pick the "perfect" gift for people who have everything and who couldn't possibly need anything more, and feeling overwhelmed by the over-commercialization of this day. I think I want to enjoy my friends and family without the expectations and guilty feelings that inevitably come from what I do or do not do for them. Do I place these expectations on myself? Perhaps. Has anyone ever told me that I didn't do enough for them? No. But I feel like that's true. Maybe I put too much emphasis on the material side of Christmas, just like society tells us to, instead of focusing on the small things that create love and happiness.
As Christmas Present says in The Muppet Christmas Carol, "Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas". The happiness of sharing a meal with family and friends, a warm bed to sleep in, loving arms to be hugged with, a laugh, a smile. These should be the things we look forward to, the things we relish...not whether or not an Xbox 360 appeared under the Christmas tree. Andrew and I decided to only do stocking stuffers and then spend the rest of our present budget on a date night. We have so many things that we don't use, so many material goods that sit and collect dust. We have so much to be thankful for this year, we don't need to waste the money that we don't have on more things to clutter up our lives. We've both been extremely busy for the last few months that a time to reflect and share will be greatly appreciated.
How does one banish the Scrooge within? I'm going to try with a healthy dose of friendship, food, and fun. The holidays seem to be a time of overindulgence, be it food or drink. The after the overindulgence, comes the guilt, then the resolutions, then more guilt after the resolutions are broken. Enjoy the festivities, be it a lot or a little. But don't beat yourself up over it. I have already made a plan, unless there's a ton of snow/ice on the ground, I'll be running on Christmas morning in preparation for the day's activities. I ran on Thanksgiving morning and not only did it give me more energy for the day, I was able to eat in peace. A peaceful mind makes a holiday that much better. The evil voices in my head telling me not to eat that, or put that down, were silenced and I enjoyed the day more so than I had in awhile. Andrew and I were also freshly engaged, and that helped the feelings of happiness and joy among us and our family and friends. If we could bottle the happiness and excitement and sell it, we'd be millionaires. Let's hope that we can recapture those feelings and enjoy the day.
I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Focus on the love, the happiness, the friends, the family and forget about the spats, the tiffs and the guilt. Enjoy the time spent with your friends and family. Life is too short to focus on the bad.
And as a very wise man once said..."God Bless Us, Everyone..."
I'm hoping that this year may be different. We aren't traveling to PA to see my family until January 6th. But, my schedule is pretty full up until Christmas anyway. After "Scrooge" is over this weekend, my nighttime activities will at least be filled with time with friends. I'm hoping that it will bring me out of the seasonal depression I seem to be in. I get stressed out about money, trying to pick the "perfect" gift for people who have everything and who couldn't possibly need anything more, and feeling overwhelmed by the over-commercialization of this day. I think I want to enjoy my friends and family without the expectations and guilty feelings that inevitably come from what I do or do not do for them. Do I place these expectations on myself? Perhaps. Has anyone ever told me that I didn't do enough for them? No. But I feel like that's true. Maybe I put too much emphasis on the material side of Christmas, just like society tells us to, instead of focusing on the small things that create love and happiness.
As Christmas Present says in The Muppet Christmas Carol, "Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas". The happiness of sharing a meal with family and friends, a warm bed to sleep in, loving arms to be hugged with, a laugh, a smile. These should be the things we look forward to, the things we relish...not whether or not an Xbox 360 appeared under the Christmas tree. Andrew and I decided to only do stocking stuffers and then spend the rest of our present budget on a date night. We have so many things that we don't use, so many material goods that sit and collect dust. We have so much to be thankful for this year, we don't need to waste the money that we don't have on more things to clutter up our lives. We've both been extremely busy for the last few months that a time to reflect and share will be greatly appreciated.
How does one banish the Scrooge within? I'm going to try with a healthy dose of friendship, food, and fun. The holidays seem to be a time of overindulgence, be it food or drink. The after the overindulgence, comes the guilt, then the resolutions, then more guilt after the resolutions are broken. Enjoy the festivities, be it a lot or a little. But don't beat yourself up over it. I have already made a plan, unless there's a ton of snow/ice on the ground, I'll be running on Christmas morning in preparation for the day's activities. I ran on Thanksgiving morning and not only did it give me more energy for the day, I was able to eat in peace. A peaceful mind makes a holiday that much better. The evil voices in my head telling me not to eat that, or put that down, were silenced and I enjoyed the day more so than I had in awhile. Andrew and I were also freshly engaged, and that helped the feelings of happiness and joy among us and our family and friends. If we could bottle the happiness and excitement and sell it, we'd be millionaires. Let's hope that we can recapture those feelings and enjoy the day.
I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Focus on the love, the happiness, the friends, the family and forget about the spats, the tiffs and the guilt. Enjoy the time spent with your friends and family. Life is too short to focus on the bad.
And as a very wise man once said..."God Bless Us, Everyone..."
Thursday, December 2, 2010
My Cup Runneth Over
With Thanksgiving having come and gone, and Christmas coming up rather quickly, I spent a lot of time in the last few weeks really thinking about what the holidays mean to me. I've had a hard time with them in the last few years, not really feeling "in the spirit" and trying to figure out why. Any holiday seems to be fraught with stress and the overextension of self and budget. Being in a dysfunctional family creates extra stress at the holidays, causing you to split time between people, never actually being able to relax and enjoy each other's company. I've been trying to figure out what I want out of the holiday season. And I guess all I really want is to spend time with those people that I really love. I want to have fun, laugh, joke, smile, and just be grateful for what I have.
I'm lucky where I don't really want for much, except financial freedom. I have wonderful friends and family that love and care about me. I am on the path to a healthy lifestyle. I am happy with the person I am becoming. I am finding my true self underneath my fat suit. I am realizing that my size really did hinder my life in more ways that I had ever noticed. But, the one thing I did find, the one thing that has never wavered this whole time, was Andrew.
When we met, I was about 30 lbs heavier than I am right now, and about 50 lbs lighter than my heaviest weight, where I started this journey. Throughout our life together, he has never once belittled me for my weight. He never told me I looked fat. He never once made me feel anything but beautiful, even when I wake up in the morning looking something like a ginger lion. He just pats me on the head and says "You look cute". He's such a loyal, loving person, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve him. We've been together for over 5 years and will now, officially, be spending the rest of our lives together.
In the greatest surprise of the century, Andrew pulled off a creative and romantic proposal. The night before Thanksgiving, I was out with GI Jane, getting accoutrement for our big Gobble x3 race the following morning...but later did I find out that it was her job to keep me out of the apartment while Mr. Andrew did some pre-proposal setting up. I came home to find candles around the living room, our coffee table set with a tablecloth and sushi plates, and his laptop was sitting on the table. He made me a slideshow on his computer, including an acoustic version of Weezer's "My Best Friend" that he recorded with his friend Drew. The slideshow had lots of cute pics of us and other cute coupley pics and at the end, it scrolled up on the screen "Kelly, Will you Marry me?" and he got down on his knee and gave me a beautiful ring. :-) I couldn't have been more surprised or more happy at that moment. I saw my future flash before my eyes and in that split second, I chose my future. We have our ups and downs, just like any couple, but I do truly feel that Andrew does want the best for me, and for him, and that we make a great team and will hopefully continue to compliment each other over the years.
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I am happy. I am healthy. I have friends and family that love and care about me. I feel like my new found confidence will help me to change my job situation and to let me audition for things knowing that I won't be turned away because of my size. I know that the next two years are going to fly by and we are going to learn a lot about ourselves as we plan this wedding, hoping that we'll be able to have the special day we've always wanted. We both agree that the one thing we really want is to be surrounded by the people we love. We are lucky because we have that everyday, sometimes we all just fail to see it. And fail to appreciate it.
I am thankful for you. I am thankful for the role that you play in my life, be it close friend, far away friend, old friend, acquaintance, family member, whatever. My cup definitely runneth over...
I'm lucky where I don't really want for much, except financial freedom. I have wonderful friends and family that love and care about me. I am on the path to a healthy lifestyle. I am happy with the person I am becoming. I am finding my true self underneath my fat suit. I am realizing that my size really did hinder my life in more ways that I had ever noticed. But, the one thing I did find, the one thing that has never wavered this whole time, was Andrew.
When we met, I was about 30 lbs heavier than I am right now, and about 50 lbs lighter than my heaviest weight, where I started this journey. Throughout our life together, he has never once belittled me for my weight. He never told me I looked fat. He never once made me feel anything but beautiful, even when I wake up in the morning looking something like a ginger lion. He just pats me on the head and says "You look cute". He's such a loyal, loving person, sometimes I don't feel like I deserve him. We've been together for over 5 years and will now, officially, be spending the rest of our lives together.
In the greatest surprise of the century, Andrew pulled off a creative and romantic proposal. The night before Thanksgiving, I was out with GI Jane, getting accoutrement for our big Gobble x3 race the following morning...but later did I find out that it was her job to keep me out of the apartment while Mr. Andrew did some pre-proposal setting up. I came home to find candles around the living room, our coffee table set with a tablecloth and sushi plates, and his laptop was sitting on the table. He made me a slideshow on his computer, including an acoustic version of Weezer's "My Best Friend" that he recorded with his friend Drew. The slideshow had lots of cute pics of us and other cute coupley pics and at the end, it scrolled up on the screen "Kelly, Will you Marry me?" and he got down on his knee and gave me a beautiful ring. :-) I couldn't have been more surprised or more happy at that moment. I saw my future flash before my eyes and in that split second, I chose my future. We have our ups and downs, just like any couple, but I do truly feel that Andrew does want the best for me, and for him, and that we make a great team and will hopefully continue to compliment each other over the years.
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I am happy. I am healthy. I have friends and family that love and care about me. I feel like my new found confidence will help me to change my job situation and to let me audition for things knowing that I won't be turned away because of my size. I know that the next two years are going to fly by and we are going to learn a lot about ourselves as we plan this wedding, hoping that we'll be able to have the special day we've always wanted. We both agree that the one thing we really want is to be surrounded by the people we love. We are lucky because we have that everyday, sometimes we all just fail to see it. And fail to appreciate it.
I am thankful for you. I am thankful for the role that you play in my life, be it close friend, far away friend, old friend, acquaintance, family member, whatever. My cup definitely runneth over...
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