Internal Struggles

I apologize ahead of time...this entry may be a hodgepodge of everything swirling around in my head, some weight-loss related, others not. It's been awhile since I've blogged, the idea of organization eludes me right now.

First things first...this month has been an absolute weight-loss disaster. We hosted our annual holiday party on Dec 4th, at which I had some lighter fare, as well as some tasty cookies and goodies. I made sure to eat dinner before the night actually started so as to not eat my weight in party food. I remember that my pre-planning helped out. I wasn't hungry, didn't spend the night grazing. In fact, I was so busy saying hello and welcoming people that I barely felt like I had time to stop and do much of anything. But then on Monday, the 6th, we started Tech Week for Scrooge. I did myself a giant disservice by not going grocery shopping, or at least not BIG shopping. I grabbed a few things and hoped it would help. It did not. I bought a lot of crappy food at the Tedeschi's in Cleary Square or bought food on the way down there. I certainly didn't want to eat that crap, but I just did anyway. And I've also started a bad habit of eating some old pastries at Starbucks again. Mostly croissants. For some reason, I've rationalized in my mind that it's okay to have that as it's "only 310 calories", or that it's just like bread. Uhhhh not quite. I've also been drinking a few too many drinks in the morning as well. Now, granted, I usually only use 2 packs of Sugar in the Raw, or 2 pumps of syrup...as opposed to the 5 or 6 I used to have. But when you have 2-3 "venti" sized nonfat lattes, the calories still add up. *sigh*

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but I have to find the motivation that fueled me for so long. The cold weather/snow doesn't help either. You just want to pack in the food, or at least I do. I want to chow down and feel the warmth of the food in my belly. Why can't that food be healthy veggies? I have no problem eating fruit, in fact, that's what I want most of the time...after my meals. I've developed this weird habit of needing something sweet after eating if my meal doesn't include something sweet. I can't figure out how to break this vicious cycle right now. I should probably do EOB's detox again, it would certainly help. I just have to find the willpower. I don't know why I've gotten into my old mindset...If I don't have it now, I'll never have it again. WHAT THE HELL?! Where is this coming from? I thought I had gotten over that. It's amazing how "old habits die hard". I thought i had control of these demons and it's somewhat humbling to know that you never truly have control over something like that. I suppose it's MY CHOICE to do these things. My choice to eat that food. My choice. And it will be my choice to get back in gear.

Speaking of getting back in gear, I need to get myself back to the gym as well. I don't want to be seen as one of those dreaded "resolutionists". I know, how ridiculous! I don't want to be labeled. I want to wear a sign that says "I'm not new, I just haven't been here for awhile". I can't believe I'm worrying if people think I'm just another of those January 1sters...or 3rders in this case. I bet that'll be the big day. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me. I've been doing a great job of not worrying about what other people think about me, especially at the gym, but for some reason this really bugs the shit out of me. I certainly need to get over that. Immediately.

The giant snowstorm put a damper on my running hopes. I ran on Christmas day and it was glorious. I certainly love the solitude and the quiet. (Sure, running in the city isn't always quiet, but in my mind it's quiet.) I haven't run with music in over 3 months I think...and I just love it. I love the running, the feeling it gives me, I love the races. How do you run in the snow and slop without killing yourself? I suppose I just have to do it and hope for the best. I need to remind myself that I do, in fact, love how I feel when I'm running. I love how I feel afterwards. It is always a reward. Why can I not remember that when I'm internally whining about not wanting to go out?!

I am experiencing an internal struggle in my mind. It's like my very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario in there. I want to do well for myself, i want to feel better, i want to workout. But then I want to eat some "bad" foods. And it's funny because it's not all junk food. I am not interested in fast food or anything like that...but I want cheese. And bread. Sandwiches. Cookies. Do I feel like i deserve a reward for doing so well for all of these months? Or am I just being lazy and complacent? (Probably a little of both.) We always use "The Holidays" as an excuse to overindulge. I didn't eat nearly as much as I would have in the past...no second helpings of dinners this past weekend. It was the sweets that killed me. I made friends with these delicious mint choco chip cookies that Rosie made and couldn't help myself.

And as these thoughts are swirling around in my head, so are the thoughts that I am about to embark on one of the most momentous occasions of my life...my wedding. I am in the absolute beginning stages of planning. Overwhelmed by the fact of not having any money and trying to come up with something that will fulfill my dreams of having an awesome day. Sure, I know that it's all about me and Andrew and wherever we are, whatever we're doing, we'll be getting married, and that'll be great. But everyone dreams about their wedding. They want it to be special. I know that I'll have to put a hell of a lot of work into it to make it all of that...and I am committed to doing so. And then of course, in the back of my mind, the thought of being able to wear any dress I want is also quite thrilling. I plan on being at least 20-30 lbs lighter by that point...if not more. But then again, it all goes back to getting my ass in gear.

*sigh* I do not want to make New Year's resolutions, as they usually fail come MLK day. But I do need to make a renewed commitment to myself. To my future. To my fiancee. To my life. I need to recommit to the life I've found, the life I want to lead, and the way I want to feel. I've lost my motivation and I need to find it. But where? How?