Times, they are a'changin'...

In a few days, we'll be watching the ball drop, witnessing Dick Clark drool on himself, we'll clink our glasses, kiss our loved ones and enter into another brand new year. A year full of possibility and excitement. What will you do differently this year? Do you want to improve your life? Or did you do such a good job of it in 2011 that you can sit back and relax?

My 2011 was a pretty good one. I met some amazing people, had some great performances, won my Fantasy Football League, had more laughs than I know what to do with. But overall, am I happy with what 2011 was for me? Eh. As you all know, I've been working on my "weight loss journey" since Sept 2010. On Jan 1st, 2011, I was at my lowest weight yet. Unfortunately, I let rehearsals and laziness get in the way from Jan-Apr and ended up gaining back about 25 lbs. But, I've maintained that same weight for the rest of the year. Is that a victory? Sure. I didn't gain back any MORE weight, so that's a plus. Have I lost sight of my goals? Perhaps. I definitely lost my zest for running/exercising. I fell back into the rut of being lazy. I'm sure that my food choices definitely had something to do with that. I know that your food choices determine how much energy you have. Good food in = good energy out. Mentally, I know what to do. I have so much "knowledge" about how to improve my life, yet I choose not to do it. Why is that? I know we've had this conversation before, readers, so forgive me. But it's a constant question I have. It's hard. yes. I know that. I've done it before. It certainly wasn't easy for the first year and a half when I was very vigilant about everything I ate/did. Am I doing this for the wrong reasons? Am I looking for validation from the outside world instead of finding it within? (Of course I am...I'm a performer...that's why we do 99% of the things we do...haha...)

I do know that at this moment, I am unhappy with the way I look in my clothes. I am unhappy with the lack of motivation I'm experiencing. I want to find that love for movement again. I want to ditch the excuses and just start working hard again. I am NOT making a New Year's Resolution. I am making a "get your butt in gear" type of resolution. I think this would be happening regardless of what day it reads on the calendar...

283 days until my wedding. 9 months, 8 days. THAT right there should be enough to scare me into the gym. And of course, i know that no matter what I look like on that day, I'll be so excited and feeling radiant and all that crap. BUT I truly want to be at my best that day. I want that to really signify us entering in our newly married life together. (I just need to get Andrew on this train as well...) Plus, having a day to show it off would CERTAINLY be worth it. Hehehe.

2012 is going to be a HUGE year for me. Besides my wedding, my life is going to completely change as I know it come March. (No, I'm not pregnant and/or popping out a quickly gestated baby in 2 months...) The announcement will be made shortly, but it's something that has been a LONG time coming. As they say, good things come to those who wait. But I will need to readjust everything I know about my daily existence...which means a definite reason to get myself back on track before March so that I can make this transition as easily as possible.

Life has a way of taking over. We allow it to get in the way of our goals. I always use the old "Oh, I'll go to the gym tomorrow"...and then I end up with a pile of yesterdays and a few more pounds around the middle. Tap class starts up again soon, need to see if that's in the financial cards right now. I like the class, but "fast tapper" drives me nuts. I wish I could afford private lessons. :-) And I wish I could practice in my apartment without thinking I'll annoy the crap out of my downstairs neighbors. I miss the swimming pool too. I haven't tried to go at night yet, I'm a little scared to swim with other people in the lanes. I don't want them to run me over or to get pissed if I'm not doing it right. I loved swimming there in the summer, during the day when it was empty. If I had a car, and an endless supply of money, I'd join the BSC at Wellington that has the pool. Oooo fancy! But alas, that will never be my life. :-) I have to be happy with my Planet Fitness membership and the occasional luxury tap class and/or $4 swim session at the Kennedy pool. I need to change things up. As my life changes, my exercise should change too. I need to find that fire I once had. I need to ditch the excuses and find the ardent passion I once had. It won't be easy...

I am worth the time. I am worth the effort. I am worth the sweat. I am worth the aches. I am worth the longer life. I am worth it.

October "Wonderland"

I am NOT ready for winter. I love the fall. I relish the thoughts of beautiful crisp fall days, brightly colored leaves, apples, pumpkins, all of these wonderful things that combine to make MY "most wonderful time of the year". I realize that as the days of fall grow shorter that winter is right around the corner, and with winter, comes "The Holidays".

As I get older, I get more cynical. (Is that really possible? How could I get any more cynical, you ask?) I can't say that the holiday season brings me much joy. It seems as though it's an endless parade of obligation. You have to go here, can't hurt feelings, gotta go there, blahblahblah.

Last Thanksgiving was great for a few reasons, 1) I got engaged the night before, how could we not be in good spirits after that??, 2) GI Jane and I ran the Gobble x3 4 miler that morning and it was awesome, 3) GI Jane and Cash Money joined us for dinner at the Galante Homestead, and 4) It seemed as though we finally did some stuff that we WANTED to do, instead of just doing stuff because we had to. One of my favorite Thanksgivings of all-time was my first year here in Boston, I decided to stay up here and hosted a meal for 3 friends. We ate, watched chick flicks, and just had a nice, non-drama-filled day. I cooked a full meal for the first time in my life. (Yes, I know, to take on Thanksgiving as the first meal is quite a feat...hahaha...luckily, I had some help in the way of some amazing recipes, and a Mom on speed dial...) I've been saying it for years now, but I want to host my own dinner again. I want to enjoy myself and not feel like I'm obligated to do certain things. But I guess that's what family is all about...haha...

And Christmas is always another story. Traveling to PA for Christmas is a giant pain in the ass. Well, traveling ANYWHERE at the holidays is a pain. But it's expensive, too harried, and just plain unenjoyable. It's difficult to make everyone happy, and I think that's where my stress lies. I know that I'm "hurting feelings" by choosing to stay here, or go there, or whatever. But I am only one person, I can't clone myself and send one of me to PA and have one stay here. Then it's a whirlwind of seeing these people here, this person there, and then I probably don't get to see everyone I want to see anyway. And sometimes I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off for nothing. Maybe I should just pack my bags and go somewhere else...not here, not there...just a warm, tropical island somewhere, with no cell phone reception. :-)

*sigh* So, as the holiday season approaches, or if you work in retail, it may already be here, I'm trying to not be so disappointed in the "choices" I have to make, but to enjoy what REAL choices I do have. We'll probably have another holiday party, that is always a good time. Other than that, I'm in hyperdrive until Thanksgiving, basically. The show goes up on the 10th, 2 weekends of performances, and then it's Turkey week. We may have a houseguest that week, so that'll be fun, but also a bit stressful getting ready.

25 days until the Gobble x3. This morning was the Superhero 5K, and as the starting gun was going off, here I was, at home. I know I put too much on my plate by signing up for this race, and now, essentially eating the $25 registration fee. The snow and crap didn't help my decision either. Plus with a big rehearsal this afternoon, I kinda felt I needed to be ready for that, so instead of running in the 35 degree weather/slop, I decided to opt out. I wasn't sure if GI Jane was running, she had been sick, and I hadn't heard from her, so I went with the assumption that it wasn't happening. But alas, at 9am, got a text that we should go do it. *sigh* I have to leave early for rehearsal because Athan needs to get there to do some stuff with the pianist before we start as a group. I wouldn't make it home in time from the race to get showered and ready to go. Waaaaay too much going on. Yes, I feel like a quitter...not quite a failure, mind you, but just a quitter. But I suppose in a way, I was putting my priorities in order. (And all of the hacking that was going on backstage yesterday is making me think that I made the right decision NOT to go out and run in the cold, possibly kicking up some stuff, and/or catching a cold...) Do I feel guilty? Yes. Did I let my friend down? Possibly. Did I let myself down? Absolutely. But life is about choices, and this wasn't a particularly fun choice to make, I needed to make it. We can't always get what we want, we can't always do what we want, and sometimes our "obligations" have to come before everything else. I guess that's today's lesson...

Shop Til You Drop

It's funny how I've been "congratulating" myself almost everyday this week for NOT eating crap at Sbux, or working out, or whatever. Earlier in the week, I was at the mall, I bought some new workout clothes. Great! Good motivation! Then I got some new eyeshadow! Yay! I like to look pretty! I bought a book one day after going to the gym. Then I went to Buffalo Exchange and got the find of the century, a brand new pair of Dansko clogs in a beautiful cherry brown color, absolutely brand new, AND IN MY SIZE. I had to get them. How could I not? I've wanted these shoes for years. It was a sign that I deserved to be congratulated. ;-)

I guess what I'm realizing is that if I'm not self-medicating with food, I'm self-medicating with shopping? Retail therapy is a girl's best friend. I can't say I was "stress shopping" though. I had a good week. Maybe it's a good thing? I mean, sure, the spending of the money isn't a great idea...BUT it could be a sign that I'm feeling better about myself, if I want to buy clothes. i've been feeling kinda blah about my body and about what I've done/haven't done. And in the last 2 weeks, I've absolutely gotten back on the Motivation Train, lost 5+ lbs, have really been good about working out, making good choices, and maybe this is a sign that I'm starting to feel good again. I was pleasantly surprised by a photo or two that popped up on the website for my show. I look(ed) "thin" or normal, at least. ;-) I can't get over that because I still feel huge. My brain can't get over the fact that I am NOT what I used to be. I think I'll probably always feel that way, and that's tough.

I also spent more money today...but I KNOW that these are great reasons for spending money. I signed up for 3 more races. Superhero 5K on Oct 30th in Kendall Square, The Gobble 3x on Thanksgiving morning, and the Jingle Bell Run in Davis Square on Dec 18th. I am excited to do these races and will do my best to train and get ready for them. :-) Plus, more free tshirts is ALWAYS a great idea. GI Jane and I talked about how last year's Thanksgiving race was so awesome. We felt so free and easy, we ran 4 miles, got showered, dressed, and went and ate our Thanksgiving dinners with a happy conscience. (Maybe I ran easier because I had just gotten engaged the night before and I was so excited and couldn't stop talking about it? But who cares. it was fun!) I wish all races felt like that.

I need to figure out a way to just run for fun and not put pressure on myself to beat a previous time or try to attain some goal or something. I need to focus on crossing the finish line. I know that at the end, I'll probably cry. I usually do. It's a reminder of how far I've come...and also of how far I still have to go. Life is a journey. My journey will never end. I just have to focus on the good parts of that journey, choose the paths that make it an easy ride. And sure, rough patches will come, but I have the tools to get over them. And so do you.

Wave of Motivation

This has been an interesting week. It began with me slogging through a 10K in 85+ degree weather in October, finishes with me "possibly" being 4-5 lbs lighter. I say "possibly" because I have an indecisive scale. I get on it, it says one thing...I get on it again...says something completely different. I move it 2 inches to the left, it's now a 3rd number, unrelated to the others. Very annoying. Change the battery, you say? Just did that. Beat it with a baseball bat and buy a new one? Soon, my friends, soon.

I'm proud of the small steps of progress I made this week. I didn't eat ANY food at starbucks this week. I made my own Protein Plates to take to work and ate those, and wasn't even remotely tempted to eat the garbage laying around there. Yes, I had some drinks, including the protein shake that I've been concocting in the AM. My drinks now are definitely much better for me than they used to be. I also managed to cook dinner a couple nights, and ate the food that I had bought at Trader Joe's earlier in the week, instead of going out to eat. I went out for dinner on Fri night and had my "cheat meal"...a delicious burger, fries and a delightful pumpkin ale. Yesterday, GI Jane and I had breakfast at Ball Square Cafe and discussed our first week back on THE PLAN. I resisted the temptation of the pumpkin waffles and had an egg white, cheese, and canadian bacon sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin and a large fruit bowl. And last night, went out and ate an enormous amount of sushi. :-) Sushi is so good. *sigh* I love it.

The main issue that I foresee in the next few weeks will be trying to combat the idea of "stress eating" and stuffing my face when I"m tired. Why am I stressed, you ask? I'm stressed out over my show. We ran Act I yesterday and it was very clear that we had taken a few very large step backwards in the process. Plus, at the end of rehearsal, we were chastised for being concerned about the lack of a conductor/setup/basically anything that we were concerned with. So, with that said, I will continue to show up and do my job, as I have been doing all along, not worry about anyone else, and if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I tried to help. I tried to do what I could to make it better. Needless to say, the next few weeks will be nail-biting. It's been really tough being involved in yet another show that has created such feelings of uneasiness in me. The last 3 shows I've been in have made me feel this way for various reasons. Is this a sign that I should quit? Is the cosmos trying to tell me that I'm not meant to be doing this and that by doing so, I'm disrupting the flow of the universe? (Alright, a bit dramatic, I admit, but come on...) Or am I "looking for love in all the wrong places", theatrically speaking?

*sigh*

I have such great respect for this show, for the music. I just want it to be great. And if I'm wrong in wanting that, that's fine.

I try to quell my rising emotions with food. I know this about myself. My greatest task in the next 4 weeks will be to fight those urges. I need to start working out my emotions by working out more, running it out, lifting weights, anything that does not involve putting food in my mouth. If I had a place to hang it, I'd get one of those big ol' punching bags. That would be amazing. Maybe a Boppy Clown would work...

Life always presents challenges to us, that's quite obvious. It's how we choose to deal with these challenges that will define our futures. I want to stop soothing my pain/emotions/challenges with food, once and for all. I want to have a normal relationship with food. Hmm. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not IN a relationship with food. Food is not a person. Food does not have feelings. Food is fuel. Pure and simple. Hmmph. Sure. Easier said than done, my friends. *sigh*

Agony of Da Feet

Trudge, trudge, trudge,

slog, slog, slog,

ow, ow, ow.


That's how I felt during the Tufts 10K today.


First of all, thank you, Mother Nature, for bestowing your menopausal heat flash all over Beantown today. I mean, seriously...since when is it 85 degrees in October? Today. Hooray. Who goes out for a run on that day? This idiot. Along with 7500 of her closest idiot friends.

Alright, so let's talk about the positives...
1. It was a great course, except for the fact that there was virtually no shade from miles 1.5-4.5. Any other day, that would've been fine...today, I was praying for trees and wanted to just lay under one for a quick nap in the middle of the race.
2. Pacman shirt is awesome.
3. It's really inspiring to be surrounded by 7500 other women, all shapes, sizes, colors, and all running for her own personal reason.
4. I didn't puke.
5. I didn't have to get hauled to the finish line in an ambulance.
6. I finished. Sure, I wasn't all that pleased with my time, but COME ON, if I was THAT concerned about it, I would've gotten my ass out to train a little more than the 3 runs I may have done in the last 2 months. (Although, I don't know if any training would've mattered considering how flippin' hot out it was today.)
7. I cried at the finish line. The lady announced my name as I came up to the booth, I waved, blew kisses, and started to cry, and crossed the finish line. No matter how I feel during the race, i get to the end and I keep flashing back to the old me who would've NEVER been able to do this. And I remind myself that, just like Virginia Slims, I've come a long way, baby.
8. I had an amazing friend waiting for me at the finish line. And just like me, GI Jane didn't really train that much either, and we were both beating ourselves up mentally afterwards...and then, because we were in a crowd of all of these WOMEN, we started crying. :-) Can you blame us? We're defenseless against all of those HORMONES....

Instead of going through a list of negatives, let's just chalk it up to the unexpected heat and lack of training. Note to self: train more and only sign up for races that occur from Nov-March. :-)

SO, GI Jane and I decided that the best way to celebrate our accomplishment today would be to go to the grocery store, purchase healthy food, and discuss how we could get back to performing, but ultimately FEELING, our best. Over a delicious, and probably NOT so healthy sushi dinner (hey, we were celebrating too!), we created THE PLAN. The napkin with said plan on it has disappeared, which means someone will gain all of our wisdom AND see me in the delightful Mermaid costume that I asked to be drawn in. (I looked more like a hooker, but hey, that's fine...) But, luckily, I have a great memory...sometimes...and will now try to reconstruct THE PLAN for your reading pleasure.

THE PLAN:
-4 days of exercise per week
-3 runs
-1 yoga (GI Jane)/ 1 tap class (me)

-NO Starbucks Pastries/Office Candy Jar visits
-Although, if you are so inclined, have a bite or two, then throw the rest out, if the need arises.

-1-2 Cheat Meals per week
-I decided an entire cheat day would be too much for me and I didn't think I should do that. I opted for the 1-2 cheat meals, because that way, it'll fit better into going out for dinner with friends, or making room for special occasions.

-1 new recipe per week
-We both love to cook and need to recapture our love for cooking, experimenting and creating fresh, healthy meals.
-This also may include trying to reinstitute our weekly dinners with JC and EOB or whoever is available that night.

-Get More/Better Sleep
-If your sleep isn't in line, then none of the rest of that can happen. We all know that the minute we get sleepy, we'd rather lay down than go to the gym or go out for a run. Our quality of sleep will be much better if we're eating better and exercising regularly. (We know this because we've done this before!!!)

-1 blog post per week
-And the masses rejoice.
-"Eloquently written about challenges and triumphs". Done and done.


I think that's all that THE PLAN contained. Pretty easy. Pretty self-explanatory. We're both trying to recapture the feeling we had about ourselves last year around Thanksgiving. We ran the Gobble Gobble Gobble 4 miler that morning and it was so easy. We breezed through it, laughing, talking. We felt good about our bodies. We felt accomplished on a daily basis by what we were doing for ourselves. And for whatever reasons, we've lost sight of those goals. Our job now is to recreate those feelings of happiness, joy, celebration, and I'll be honest, a little self righteousness. ;-)

We are recommitting to a healthy life. You should too. We have to remember that our bodies will only do so much. We have to help them do the best job they can. Life just feels better and easy when you're doing the best for your body. I truly believe that. As some of the weight I lost is creeping back on, I feel the difference. I'm certainly nowhere near where I once was, I'm not wheezing and sweating going up a flight of stairs, but things that were easier, aren't right now. I have to remember why I chose to do this in the first place and then set attainable goals for myself.

As for THE PLAN, this is to get us to Thanksgiving. We want to see what we can accomplish in the next 6 weeks. That seems doable...please check in...I need to be held accountable. I sometimes forget that this blog post is read by ACTUAL, LIVING people. It astounds me when people mention it and tell me that they've read it, and mostly, that they love it. I write for me, but I also write for you.

If I can do this, you certainly can...

What will you change in your life today that will make your future that much better?

2 Years

September 21st, 2009 was the day I quit soda. It was the day I decided to go "cold turkey" on a lot of crap and start watching my weight. I remember that I had a pretty bad cold that week, which helped suppress my appetite, but I didn't start exercising until the following week or so. I joined Planet Fitness after about 2 weeks...

Like most people, I tend to focus on my failures and neglect to celebrate my successes. Yes, I have gained about 25 lbs or so since January. Am I proud of that? Not in the least...BUT I am going to take a look at what I am proud of...

Since Sept 21, 2009, I have.....
-logged 320 miles on my Nike+, having started running in April 2010. I'm sure I've run more than that if you include stuff done without the Nike+, but that's pretty cool.
-run the Superhero 5K, Gobble Gobble Gobble 4miler, Hyannis 10K, James Joyce Ramble 10K, Milton 5K and will be running the Tufts 10K in a few short weeks.
-lost 80 lbs by Jan 1, 2011, but have managed to keep off 60-65 lbs total.
-gone down 4 sizes.
-found a love of running, swimming, dancing, exercising that I didn't think would ever exist.
-found self-esteem that I didn't think existed either.
-blogged a lot.
-managed to share my story with a lot of people, and became an inspiration for others to take their lives into their own hands!

I am proud of what I have accomplished. I know that I will never be finished with this journey. It has its ups and downs. I'm hoping for more ups in the coming months...

Thank you for reading, for listening, for caring and for being so supportive as I try to change my life. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

RECOMMITMENT!!!! :-)

The Big Day

385 days until THE day.

October 7, 2012 is THE day.

You do realize that this means I have a little over a year to get myself into Ultimate Sexy Bride shape. Yeah, yeah, I know, I don't want to be one of those psycho brides that is miserable for a year leading up to the day (or crash dieting for the last month because the dress doesn't fit...). And as most of you know, this is just another step in my journey.

This week, Sept 21st, marks 2 years since I started my journey to a healthier me. 2 years since I've had soda. Can you BELIEVE that?! I loved soda. I probably still do...or would...if I drank it. But I can't. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I can't allow myself to have it. It is my Achilles heel, my Kryptonite. I don't want it. I'm just saying, I can't/won't have it.

And I know that this year has been like a broken record....me stating my recommitment to healthy eating/exercising. But this is the perfect time to stop all of the shenanigans and start the hardcore work. Healthy habits take time to develop. I know that. We ALL know that. But do we have the discipline to develop them? Sure we do. I DID at one time. I don't know why my mind can't get back on the wagon. My body wants to...it's my mind that I'm having trouble with. The little food devil on my shoulder, whispering..."Ahhh, it's okay, go ahead, have that cookie. It's fine. It's JUST a cookie. It's not gonna kill ya. Besides, you worked hard for a long time. You DESERVE that cookie."

Hey. Food Devil. Shut up. YOU deserve a punch in your smug little face.

The Tufts 10K is in 22 days. I have been pretty lazy about training for this race. (This seems to be a trend with me...sign up for a big race, then NOT train, and then suffer through it, but be happy that I made it and didn't die.) I have finished 2 10Ks, so I know it's possible. And i imagine that on that day, I'll be energized by the crowd...the thousands of women running around me. It was so moving to watch GI Jane finish that race last year. I remember getting choked up as she came towards the finish line, as her boyfriend and I yelled her name and she found us in the crowd, and as she completed her longest race to date. I wanted that to be me. I need to remember those feelings and use them to help motivate me to eat better and to put the time in to making sure my body is ready for 6.1 miles.

Yes, I'm busier now...sweeney rehearsals have started, tap class is on Thurs nights. Blahblahblah. I am full of excuses. Always have been, always will be. Sure, we just booked our wedding venue, need to get on the planning wagon. Yes, still interested in finding a new job...need to actually apply to jobs if I expect to get one. Wow, they just keep piling up, don't they?

Okay. GI Jane suggested that I use Sept 21st as my "recommitment" day. It's an anniversary, use it to start up again. That's 3 days from now. I should probably use Monday and Tuesday as days to ease myself into it...start by ditching the crap at work. Reminding myself that besides the inevitable wedding at the end of the road, there is a lifetime of health and happiness that I want to have. I still want to be pushing myself athletically. I want to have toned arms...maybe even some "guns" someday. ;-) I want these things...and yet, I allow my Food Devil to keep me from achieving these goals.

Food Devil needs to die.

My (somewhat) competitive spirit needs to take over.

I'm not going down without a fight.

The numbers on the scale will move. The numbers in my clothes will move. My body will change. Again.

I WILL win.

The Process

So, I finally had my Sweeney Todd audition, got called back for 2 roles, Mrs Lovett and the Beggar Woman. I have been offered the role of the Beggar Woman and I accepted it. Am I disappointed? Yes. I really wanted to play Mrs Lovett. It's definitely a dream role for me. Was I in the running? Certainly. I understand that for whatever reason, I wasn't cast, and that's okay. I know that doesn't mean that I'm not a good singer or actress. I am competent. I am also trying not to be a sore loser about it. I fully intend on giving a kickass performance, but how do you get over stuff like this?

Singers/Actors, you know what I'm talking about...you sign up for an audition and you prepare for it, you think about it, you put yourself in the role and then maybe you're given something else, or worse yet, not cast at all. I've had this audition on my calendar for at least 3 months. I wanted this role. I wanted it so badly. But, I said it immediately following the callbacks...I can't be mad about what happens. I went in there and did what I set out to do. I felt great about what I did. I enjoyed the process. I took the opportunity to sing Mrs Lovett's music, as I might not get the chance. And I was happy. There are a lot of things that could've made them decide one way or the other. And that's okay. (I have to keep telling myself that...)

I am grateful to actually be in a production of Sweeney though. It's rarely done because it is such an undertaking. Even though I was disappointed, I couldn't imagine turning it down. I just want to sing. I want to perform. I want to grow as a musician and an actress, and even though it's a small role, it's vital, and downright crazy. I'll have a lot to play with and show off in a little bit of a time. I am excited to meet some new people, get to work with a new group and just get back into the creative process.

Hopefully this won't derail my exercise/healthy track again. I have to be much more mindful of it now, especially with the Tufts 10K right around the corner. I'm going to be super busy this fall with rehearsals, tap class on Thurs, and training and stuff. Whoa. Ah well. I love it and that's why I do it.

**SPOILER ALERT: If you don't know the story of Sweeney, STOP reading right now....**

It's funny that I'm the "beautiful" wife of Sweeney that everyone is hot for...I get to be sexy...under all of the haggy rags I'll be wearing...yeeeeeeeeah. Looking forward to having my throat slit on stage too...and hopefully I"ll get to ride in a trapdoor chair!

Swirling Emotions

For a few days I had been thinking about a blog post about my interviews, the act of interviewing, applying for jobs, blahblahblah. And right now, sorry, folks, that's not what you're gonna get.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you want to see the movie "One Day" with Anne Hathaway, don't read this post. You've been warned.

Okay, so now that THAT is out of the way...here we go...

Everything I need to know about riding a bike, I learned while watching "City of Angels". Wearing a damn helmet. End of story. Let's just say that after an hour and a half of seeing these two people go through almost 20 years of life as friends or more, BAM! We are hit with a very unnecessarily violent end for one of them. Needless to say, most of the people in the audience did NOT see that coming...and we all gasped and shrieked simultaneously. But besides that, I had already been crying over these two for quite some time. The movie was about these two people and it showed them on July 15th every year...where their relationship was, where life had taken them. They were clearly meant for each other, regardless of how poorly he treated her while he searched for himself. He made her happy. They were never quite ready to be together, but finally after many long years, they finally got together. The happiness lasted but one year or so...then they tried to get pregnant and it wasn't working and then BAM. The end of their lives together. She pulled a Meg Ryan and went riding without a helmet and was smashed by a truck...and they basically showed it. Not cool. But in the end, his dad gave him the advice to "live life as if Emma were still here...". He had become a better person, and tried to continue down that path without her. It was quite touching.

Then I'm all emotional, crying, thinking. A pretty bad combination. I made Renee stop by TT's to visit Andrew so I could say hi. OH yeah, and I bought a bottle of wine on the way home.

Movies always show such wild and raw love. Does that kind of love exist in real life? I don't know if I'd call my relationship so wild and raw. It's comforting, it's sweet, it's fun. Do I need that kind of reckless feeling? Do I need to stop being so careful (in everything) and just let go? In life I've always been cautious. I've never been one to take risks...and when I've managed to work myself up to take a risk, I've found rejection or failure. (It's ironic that I've chosen singing/music as my career choice, huh?) But even in my life where the risks might be emotional in nature, but in no way would I be rejected, I still don't open up completely. I play it safe. I don't want to be 100% vulnerable. I can't seem to surrender control. I really think this is one of my major problems. I want to be in control of SOMETHING. I can't just let the chips fall as they may. I have to manipulate, like a puppet master. I have to make things go the way I want them to...or at least try. And I get very worked up in situations where I have no control over what people think about me, or how things will work out.

Hmm. And now this leads perfectly into a discussion about the interviews. I have no control in these situations. First of all, it's very hard for a singer to go into an audition without singing. An interview is an audition without the singing. What the hell? Can't I just sing for you? You'll love me even more. I promise. You can't fabricate your resume. You can only go in there and show off the best possible you and HOPE that they'll agree that you are the best fit for their needs. I'm really glad I went to them. Sure, I'm disappointed that the first one didn't work out. I really enjoyed the women and the "feel" in the office. But to be honest, the hardest part is that I saw an escape from Sbux....I saw the light at the end of that tunnel...and then it was gone. It was like I could taste it, I could feel it...and then...POOF. Gone. Will there be others? I certainly hope so.

I must continue to take risks. I must take those scary steps if I want to improve my life. I want to be happy. All of the time. I get trapped in negative thoughts...then end up letting those thoughts out. I know it's a drag. I know it sucks to be the one listening to it. And to those friends who hear it...I'm sorry. I'm extremely sorry for bringing you down. I don't know why I do it. And I also don't know why I can't stop it. I'm scared. I'm scared of success. I'm scared to change my life. I'm scared of the unknown. And the only way I know how to deal with it is sarcastic "humor"...I know. It's not funny. It's not cute. I have to change. But...how?

*sigh*

People may think I have my stuff together...but I certainly do not. I should. But I don't...

I've talked about this fear of success before, I think, in reference to my weight. I'm afraid to actually let go of this "persona" that I've created and lived in my entire life. Even though I've shed about 70 lbs, I'm still trapped by that girl. I am afraid to let myself become the best possible me. I'm scared to be completely happy. What happens then? I don't know if I'll ever know.

Will I ever allow myself to have everything I've ever wanted? Or will I continue to live a life of partial happiness and filled with regret?

The Pursuit of Happiness

"Why do we do these things to ourselves?"

That question was posed to be by a very wise, delightful woman. And I can't help but bounce it around in my head. Is it human nature to want to suffer? Do we want to be the martyr in every situation to attempt to gain sympathy? We put ourselves into situations that won't necessarily make our lives happier, healthier or better in any way. We stay in jobs that make us unhappy for far too long. We surround ourselves with people who drag us down because it's easier than cutting them out of our lives. We try to comfort ourselves with unhealthy food to feel better in the moment, but in the end, we gain weight and feel worse about ourselves. We stay in unhappy relationships out of convenience. Or worse yet, we distance ourselves from potential relationships so that we don't have to open our hearts and the risk of being hurt. Again.

Most of us would never treat anyone else the way that we treat ourselves.

This same lady said that we should focus on ways to increase the joy in our lives. True. We should definitely do more things for ourselves, putting ourselves first. I feel like I've been getting better at this. I've been going swimming, taking tap class. And while I've been away, I've been singing more, and did some exercising, all while trying to make good choices as far as food goes. For me, I know that my main focus needs to be finding a new job. My problems certainly will not be solved completely by getting a new job, but I could use a change, a challenge. I can only control my own actions, so trying to change other people certainly won't make things better. Andrew has been unemployed now for almost 6 months. It's been hard as he's picked up some freelance work and has gotten himself into this weird night owl schedule. We never seem to see each other or spend time together because he's sleeping when I'm not at home and I'm sleeping when he's awake. I'm really hoping that he'll be able to break out of this cycle. I know he's trying and I know it's hard, but it's kind of taxing on our relationship. I don't want the idea of waking up to be a hard thing for him if/when he gets a new job. He has a hard enough time waking up. So while I'm trying to find a job of my own, I'm also worried about him. I want good things for him, obviously. I guess what I'm saying is that in a situation such as this, it's very hard to be completely happy and create joy in your life when things are out of your control. We can't MAKE someone hire him. We can't MAKE someone hire me.

Think about the things that make you happy. How can you incorporate more of that into your life?

For me...things that make me happy, in no particular order...

-singing/acting
-dancing
-running/swimming
-spending time with Andrew/friends
-learning/reading
-travel
-cooking

Looking at this list, I see things that I've already managed to incorporate into my weekly, if not almost daily, life. It'll be a little more difficult to get to go swimming once the summer hours are over. (Honestly, I'm a little nervous about the idea of swimming laps in a crowded lap pool.) These 2 weeks away from my normal schedule are always good for me, a chance to get out of that rut I've been in. I always manage to watch less TV while I'm away, which is ALWAYS good. I really need to stop just putting it on for background noise. Finding ways to use my time better is a great idea. I'm really hoping to get a role in Sweeney Todd this fall, it'll give me a lot of music/lines to learn, I'll have rehearsals to go to, and it'll keep me very busy. And sure, I'll be busy...but i'll be doing stuff I enjoy doing...not just wasting my time away watching shitty TV and whining about my crappy job. Once it gets cooler, I"ll be cooking more. Our oven pumps out so much heat that it's really tough to try and use it in the summertime. The only thing on this list that'll be hard to come by is "travel". Unfortunately, you need money to travel. But I suppose I could try to explore Boston and the surrounding areas a bit more.

How will you make your life better? We're all in this together. Let's commit to living life instead of just going through the motions.

Time Machine

I imagine that marching band would've been a whole lot easier for me if I had been the size I am now, or more importantly, exercising regularly. I recall the terrible shin splints I had during my freshman year band camp at IUP from marching band and forth, rolling those heels. Dear God. I wanted to be shot. Seriously. I couldn't roll anymore because the muscles had tensed up so much...and we were in a "drill up" situation, where you had to keep marching if you weren't doing it right. I remember tears streaming down my face because I was in so much pain, but didn't know what to do. Those shin splints never quite left me during band camp times at IUP.

Did I learn my lesson and try working out? Naaahhh. Why the hell would I? Life was SO much easier carrying around all of that weight, forcing my heart to work extra hard, being out of breath. *sigh*

I look around the field and I see kids that are obviously overweight, or just plain out of shape and I see myself. I see the pain and heartache that I lived with. I see myself, not being asked out on dates, not being the "pretty" one, hiding behind jokes and music. If I made fun of myself first, no one else could. I didn't necessarily need to be athletic to excel at music. I could be successful and make a "name" for myself. And I couldn't be told I wasn't good enough.

I wish I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now, and create a better youth for myself. I can only hope that I'll take what I've learned and if we have kids, pass it on to them. I can help them to have a happy, healthy life. I've had a relatively happy life, I'd say...but I do know that had I taken better care of myself as a kid, I probably would've been happier. Not saying that everything was determined by my weight, but high school boys aren't interested in the fat girl...neither are most college guys, for that matter. I never had the confidence that someone would want to date me for me...I always blamed it on my weight. Maybe that was true. I have no idea. It's not like years later I'm receiving all of these "oh, i had a crush on you" messages or anything...(does anyone get those? haha)

Even though I've struggled lately, I know that my choices will give me a happier, healthier life. I can't go back...and neither can you. We can only move forward. The future is unknown, the future is scary, but it's unwritten. You can make it whatever you want it to be...

Inspiration

Inspiration comes in many packages. I often find little nuggets of wisdom amongst the pages of Runner's World magazine. (Right now, this is probably my favorite magazine. It's not just a pile of ads and all of the articles are useful!) I received the newest issue of RW earlier this week, but saved it for my flight to Pittsburgh. I found some wonderful exercises, some great advice that I could pass on to fellow runners with some injuries, but what really moved me were the articles about 9/11. Now, yes, articles concerning 9/11 are always heartfelt and moving. They really make you appreciate life in a whole new way. I was "lucky" and on that day I didn't actually KNOW anyone who was lost. I was in college at the time and didn't quite understand the enormity of the situation. I didn't live in NYC and see the horrors of that day firsthand. But as the years have passed, I've seen what life has become for those of us who lived through it and see what the future could bring because of it. I'm not in the military, but know that far too many people have given their lives to fight for our freedom. I can't honestly comprehend what that kind of sacrifice is, but I do my best to appreciate it.

In RW, they have a section of articles about how people used running to cope with such an unimaginable tragedy. The woman who lived a few blocks from the towers and literally ran for her life, being thrown onto a ferry to NJ, the man who lost his Army serviceman cousin in the efforts following 9/11, the woman who felt she needed to do something and joined the Army herself, the former New Yorker who returned to run the NYC Marathon in 2001, the firefighter in Denver who along with 342 other firemen do the Denver Metro Firefighter's 9/11 Memorial Stair Climb, and finally a Flight 93 widow. Incredibly moving stories, and as I was reading them, there I was...fighting back tears on the plane. For these folks, running is a sort of solace, they feel closer to their lost loved ones, or it's a form of therapy for them.

I can only relate to it being a form of therapy, but for my seemingly mundane problems. I used to think of exercise as pure torture. I avoided it like the plague and forced my body to endure years of stress for no reason other than pure laziness. I have turned a corner and not only enjoy it, but look forward to it, and even as I am "suffering", at times, I've started to appreciate what my body can actually do, not what it can't do. And after reading those articles and being reminded of what a real tragedy is, be it manmade or a natural disaster, I am extremely lucky. Sure, I might have a job that I'm not happy with, and sure, there's things that I'd like to change about myself, but overall, life is good.

Life is good.

RW and Women's Health and all of those health magazines are always touting the benefits of having a mantra to keep you going when the going gets tough. Maybe mine should be "life is good". I have to continually remind myself that even though things might not be what I want them to be RIGHT NOW, I have a lot of goodness in my life, in the form of friends, family, music, etc. I should feel lucky to have the time to better myself. I have a lot of support and have people who are my cheerleaders. I am lucky.

Sometimes a little perspective is all that is needed to right the ship...

Reignite

I know that I don't say it enough, but I really have some truly great people in my life. I have a lot of "champions"...people supporting me and helping me complete my goals and cheering me on to the finish line. Had a meeting of the "group" tonight and got some much needed support and tips from EOB, JC and GI Jane. I'm feeling good about my progress these last 2 weeks and feeling like I can continue on this path while I'm away.

For those of you who don't know, on Saturday, I'm heading to western PA to help teach at my friend Tim's high school marching band camp. This will be the 10th year that I've traveled to do this! WHOA. Can't believe it. But being out of your element and in someone else's world is jarring. I knew that I needed to rein myself in and get a handle on some stuff before I went away. I needed to get back into the habit of exercising and even though the stuff I've been doing, swimming and tap class, will be unavailable to me, there is quite a bit of stuff I can do. I may have to be inventive...create a mini-circuit in their yard, do body weight stuff, or even use their baby as a free weight! (Just kidding!) Plus, I'm also going to attempt to blog everyday. That'll probably be the hardest part. But I'm going to give it a whirl...

I went swimming again today and I felt great. I'm exhausted, but I know it's for a good reason. I did 40 laps today, 1000 yds! I even had a hard time walking home, I was so tired. But it felt good. It still feels good. I'm glad that I've found this pool and hopefully can make their fall schedule fit into my own. Of course, if my work situation changes, I could definitely fit it in. But that's a whole different topic for a different time...

Anyway, to make a long story short. I was reminded of how in the beginning, this blog was an expression of my triumph and celebrating the hard work i was doing. As of late it's become a place for me to be at my weakest and most vulnerable state for all to read. I'm going to do my best to find a happy medium between the two. It's not fun for me to write and be wallowing in self-pity, as I'm sure it's not fun to read. But it may cause you to think about your own situation in ways you weren't able to because of something I've said. And it's quite cathartic for me. I have no idea who is reading this, nor do I understand the impact I've apparently made on other people. I can't be downtrodden because this journey is not over. It'll never ever be over. I have to remember that I am a very different person than I once was, both physically and mentally. I have triumphed over a lot. I have managed to keep off 60-70 lbs for about a year. That's pretty impressive.

On Sept 21st, it'll be exactly 2 years since I had a soda and also since I started on this journey. Sure, i was hoping to be over the 100 lb mark by then...but I have to remember that what I've done is remarkable in itself. It's time to reevaluate, reboot and reignite my passion for healthy living. Fall is a great time for races and exercising outdoors, not that I'm wishing away the summer, but sadly, it is almost over. Time to refocus, recommit and reinforce the lessons I've learned along the way.

Come on in, the water's fine...

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead

For those of you who don't know, I am a documentary junkie. Honestly, I would rather watch docs than any other kind of movie/show...unless it's an NBA game, maybe. But I absolutely love them. And yes, I know, we all hate Netflix and they suck for raising prices on us, blahblahblah. BUT, streaming Netflix offers so many docs, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes! I often times spend MORE time looking through the pages and pages of available ones, adding them to my queue instead of actually watching them. I'll watch them on all subjects...for example, this past weekend, I watched "Ballerina" about Russian ballet dancers, "A Life Apart" about Hasidic Jews in America, and "Flight From Death: The Quest for Immortality" about our irrational fear of death. So yes, quite the hodgepodge of subjects. One of the docs that had landed on my list was called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead". (I had actually pressed PLAY the other day, but I got a phone call right as it started, and by the time the call was over, it was a bit too late to start the movie.) So, this evening, I found myself with some free time and an empty mind waiting to be filled with something new...

It's the story of this Australian man named Joe who has an autoimmune disease. He takes a lot of meds to control this condition, and is also overweight. He was doing some thinking about how the body can heal itself on the outside, if you get a scrape or a cut, so why can't it do that on the inside if you treat it right? He hooked up with some doctors and started a 60 day juice fast. He decided to do this fasting in America, 30 days while living in NYC and then the last 30 days while road-tripping across the country. He talked to a lot of people about their eating habits and lifestyle choices. (The pervasive theme seemed to be "You're crazy for doing this juice thing. I can't do it. I have no willpower.". OH. And most of these folks had major health issues, not limited to obesity alone.) Joe had a juicer in the trunk of his car, powered by a little battery and his diet consisted of a fruit/veggie juice only for 60 days.

At this point you've probably gone straight to, "What the hell is this man thinking?? How can that be good for you?" WELL...as I watched, I learned. Using freshly made juice, not from a box or bottle, you are smashing a hell of a lot of nutrients into that cup, and being as they are now in a liquid state, it's a lot easier for them to be absorbed into the body. Hmm. Interesting.

Joe lost 90 lbs in 60 days. Whoa.

Along the way, Joe meets a man named Phil, a truck driver with the exact same autoimmune disease and carrying about 430 lbs around with him. Phil joins up, does the juice fast for the 10 days that Phil asked him, decided to keep going...did it for 60 days and also lost 90 lbs. (And in 10 months lost an astonishing 200 lbs. Good lord.)

And no, they don't just drink juice for the rest of their lives. They go to a diet of fruit, veggies, beans, micronutrient foods. This one doctor on the movie, Dr. Fuhrman, had an interesting food pyramid thing for a "high nutrient" diet that seemed like a good idea as well. Joe and Phil both inspired a lot of people to give this a try, and everyone that did, after the first few days of detox, felt amazingly energetic, lost weight, etc.

Am I buying a juicer? I don't know.

Do I need to reboot and detox and all of those good things? Absolutely.

I am certainly still fat. But I'm not sick. Do I feel as good as I could? No way. I've been lazy for the last few months and it shows. But, I absolutely feel better than I did 2 years ago at this time. Am I nearly dead? Nah. Was I before? I don't know. I felt okay. I could get around okay. I didn't have any health issues...yet. But I am willing to bet that if I had kept on this destructive path, I would've been setting myself up for a life of medications and disappointments.

I have 10 days at home before I head to western PA for Tim's band camp. The good part of being away for 2 weeks is that I won't be at Sbux, being tempted by all of that crap there. The bad news is that it's never easy to try to eat well out there. Going to a restaurant is an exercise in wading through a sea of fried food, and attempting NOT to eat ice cream after every meal. But if I use my time wisely in the next week and a half to reboot my exercise and my food, I should be able to coast through those 2 weeks with no problems.

I can't say I'm not intrigued by this juicing idea though. Does it seem like an easy way to lose some weight? Sure...depends on how you define "easy", I suppose. And it's kinda like when I did EOB's detox plan. 4 days seemed like an eternity. I felt like killing people on Day 2. Buuuuut, that's what happens when you feel like you're being deprived, even though you're actually helping yourself. I don't think a juicer is in the financial plans right now, but resetting my mind and stomach is. Plus, with the temperatures soaring by the end of the week, I probably won't want to eat much anyway. It'll be too much trouble.

So, to make a long story short....before you cancel your Netflix subscription, be sure to watch "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead"...you may find the inspiration that you're looking for. :-)

Stress

Last week I tried on wedding dresses for the very first time. I got some great ideas as far as what looks good and what does not. I also realized that I have a lot of work to do, physically, to look the way I'd like to look on that day, but more importantly how I'll look (and feel) for our future life together. My arms are way too jiggly, and I've got some back fat that needs to go. And I know this means I need to get back on track and start really working hard.

And I also know that every month I've written a blog entry that bemoans the fact that I can't get back on track and how lazy I've been.

Well, it's true, I'm still struggling. I have gained 20 lbs since my lowest recorded weight, probably back in January. NOT cool. I have no one to blame but myself. I exercise sporadically and eat as though I have the metabolism of a lithe little teenager. I pretend like I can do whatever I want, but need to realize that I can't. My body is not built that way. And my brain isn't GETTING IT. Am I searching for comfort? Am I turning to emotional eating...again? Am I unhappy and feel like food is going to help? Yes, yes and yes.

I am definitely unhappy in my work life, that's no secret. I never planned to be at Starbucks for this long. I am job searching and finally applied to a job that I find interesting. I can only hope that they'll call me for an interview. I'm getting stressed out way too easily and am just constantly in a state of agitation. It's not a fun way to live. Unfortunately, it's a job where the actions of your coworkers certainly impacts your day. If someone calls out, that screws everyone else over, and it's really hard to deal with all of that stuff, especially when it seems like it's happening a lot. We're going through another turnover cycle right now, and that's always a difficult situation. Customers don't understand the learning curve that exists at a job like this. They expect everything they want as soon as they want it. It becomes really difficult when you're trying to train people and it's busy and unrelenting. Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I want to throw down my apron and walk out. I am tired of feeling like a servant. And feeling like I don't matter. I have a brain and I have valid opinions. I am not a robot.

Feeling stressed at Starbucks does not create a healthy eating environment. You want to feel better, so you reach for a sugary coffee drink, and/or a "tasty" treat. You may bring food with you to eat, so that you're not tempted to eat that crap...but then you find yourself shoving a morning bun in your face as fast as you can. Why do I do these things? But more importantly...why can't I stop??

I'm trying to figure out ways to be happier and to feel more fulfilled in my life. I miss performing. Due to pre-existing engagements, I couldn't do any shows this summer. I love the rehearsal process and discovering a role, but I am NOT a fan of practicing. I need to get myself into a routine. I need to figure out a way to go to the gym and practice after work and not use the excuse of being exhausted (which I usually am) to keep me from doing it. I'm in the early planning stages of a recital with some fabulous friends, and I hope that it will get me on the right track as far as singing is concerned.

And we finally started looking at wedding venues. And alas, more stress. We really don't have any money to start off with, so to try to create a budget out of nothing is really a daunting task. We want to celebrate with our friends and family. We want to have good food, good music and lots of good times. Unfortunately, it might take a bit too much money to make it happen the way we REALLY want it to. People keep telling us to do what we want, just elope, don't spend too much money. Easier said than done, I fear. I don't want to end up in a crappy hall somewhere. And I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does. Honestly, I wish we had a nice big yard to have a party in, but no one we know actually has a yard. *sigh* The money fairy could drop by at ANY time now. It's difficult since Andrew is unemployed right now as well. Yes, he's getting his unemployment checks, but that doesn't really leave any money for us to save. We need that to pay our regular bills. We can only hope that he gets a job soon, and that hopefully I'll get a new job soon as well.

I suppose after going over this list of things...it's really no surprise that I'm eating. But I've been doing this for about 6 months now, so I can't blame it on ALL of this. Or maybe these things have been festering beneath the surface for that long. I am lucky to have great friends who are encouraging and are there to help me through.

I should probably reach out to people instead of reaching out for food. It's certainly easier to grab the cookie, but I have to remember that this is never going to be easy.

I will be fighting my weight my entire life. I have to make the decision that the fight is worth it.

*I also promise that at some point I will write a blog entry that is not so "woe is me". I understand it's getting old. But I appreciate that you've read this far. Thank you.

Creep

The creep. The seemingly inevitable creeping upwards of the scale. Too much salt? Not enough water? Too much food? Probably. I'm starting to feel the effects of my reckless behavior. I feel stuffed into my clothes. Am I? Not sure. Not ALL of my clothes...but definitely some of them. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I worked so hard for so long and now I'm just complacent. I'm allowing this to happen. I'm letting my brain and bad habits run my life. How do I stop this downward spiral? Why am I floundering? Why can't I just stick to my guns like I had for over a year?

I've been complacent about my healthier lifestyle since the beginning of the year. Maybe I got tired of working so hard just to live my life. Did I think I had "won"? I still haven't reached my initial goal of losing 100 lbs. And that goal is getting further and further away as I slowly gain a pound here and there...probably around 15-20 lbs since the beginning of 2011. What the hell am I doing? Nothing. I am doing nothing. THAT is the problem. I'm working out maybe once a week and then congratulating myself with junky food. I did pretty well at work last week, didn't have any drinks or pastries. This week, I slipped. I was stressed out and the only way to fix it, I felt, was to stuff my face with crappy pastries. The drinks, not so much of a problem.

I really don't want to do it, but I think I might do EOB's detox again. I did it once, probably about a year ago. It was not pleasant, but it did the trick. It "reset" my brain, my stomach, and taught me what hunger was again. I can certainly go to the store tomorrow and prepare to do this starting on Sunday. And maybe starting it on a day when I won't by tempted by the stuff lying around work is a good idea. Do I feel a need to punish myself? Maybe. Definitely. *hangs head* I shouldn't have to put myself in food jail, but when I can't live in the outside world, something needs to change.

I use the term "food jail" a lot. I feel like people put themselves in food jail when they restrict everything and make life miserable for themselves. Not saying that life should be about eating...but eating can be an enjoyable part of life. A PART OF LIFE. Not your entire life. Eating for me was my life for a long time. It was comfort, it was fun. I need to get back to that time when exercise was my comfort. I looked forward to going to the gym. I looked forward to sweating and bettering myself.

I plan on waking up tomorrow, lacing up my running shoes and getting out there. I need to sweat. I need to find my way.

Lockdown

I ran my 2nd 10K today, 4th race overall. I didn't train nearly as much as I should have, but had the fitness level to finish, NOT die along the way, and actually have a somewhat respectable time considering the toughness of the course. A little race plug here: The James Joyce Ramble in Dedham, MA is a great race! It was a cool atmosphere, starting on the grounds of the Endicott Estate, which is just lovely. Sure, it helped that it was a beautiful, race-perfect day. Temps in the high 50s, bright sunshine, some wind. Awesome. The course had 4-5 hills that seemingly came out of nowhere and seemed to all lie between miles 2.5 and 5. I was lulled into a false sense of security for the first part of the race and then had a few rude awakenings. One of the cool moments was as I'm chugging along, seeing a pretty steep hill coming up, decided to take a quick walk break to gather some energy and this lady goes "Hey Garnett, come on, you're the one keeping me running!" (I was wearing my Celtics t-shirt.) I never thought that I'd be someone's pacer. I had a few of them that I kept going ahead of, then they'd catch up, then I'd fall behind, then I'd catch up. But I did beat a few of mine. :-) YAY.

Now, that being said...while we were waiting for the start to happen, GI Jane says to me, "So, are you back on the motivation train?". Hmmm. No. Am I dragging myself kicking and screaming onto said train and locking the door and not letting myself off?? YES. On Friday I made the statement that I'm going to put myself on lockdown where Sbux food/drink is concerned. I've been letting my work stress get to me while I'm there, eating crappy pastries, drinking sugary drinks and just not caring. Another friend, JC, had made a comment to me last week..."Wow, I remember when you didn't drink anything around here. I hope you're drinking decaf, you've had a lot of drinks today!". Wow. Yup. You're right. I had done this when I first began my journey and it was a good thing. I drank water. Lots and lots of water. Or the occasional tea.

I figure this is as good a time as any to really put the focus back on myself. I have no more show to use as an excuse. I should have used the race as an excuse...buuuuut didn't. I don't have any major projects going on right now. Maybe my body and my fitness should be that major project as it once was. I know that I need to put myself in "food jail" for a bit. I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing. I get judgmental and hate seeing when people buy all of our garbagey food at Sbux, and then I go and dig it out of the homeless bins and eat it myself. Hypocrite. I need to find a friendly food jail to be in. I need to allow the onset of Spring to let my body crave the fruits and veggies in season and find ways to destress that don't involve sugar.

I realize that my posts of the last few months have been very gloom and doom. I've been having a rough time with this, which is to be expected. If anyone could not have trials along the way, I'd be happy to meet them. Changing your habits and your life as you know it is a very difficult thing. But I did it. I lived that way for at least a year or more before really taking "time off" or allowing my old food demons to creep back in. I have the tools. I have the support. I just have to have the willpower and the confidence that I can be successful again.

So, here's hoping that this motivation train picks me up and chugs me along to Sexyville. ;-)

Terrifying

I don't get nervous when I perform, unless I am unprepared. I do my best to be as prepared as I can be, and make it my personal goal to be reliable for my costars. I've worked very hard to prepare for the role of "Martha", besides the fact that I've dreamed of playing this part for about 20 years. Last night, I had a very frightening evening on stage. I had a touch of a cold all week and thought that I had it beat. I warmed up a few different times yesterday afternoon, gargling salt water, drank hot water and honey, did all of these crazy singer things to make sure I was ready to go. I got to the theater and started feeling a bit "off". We warmed up and I was cracking all through them. I started to get nervous. I had no idea what was going to happen. THAT is scary. As a singer, you are used to your voice working in a certain way and then it just...doesn't. I got out on stage for my big scene in Act I, dialogue with "Mary" and then my song, "Fine White Horse". As I was speaking, I could feel my voice getting raspier and raspier, and trying to figure out what I would do when I got to the song. I jumped a few lines in a panic to get the song started, and hopefully over with quickly. I had to "Rex Harrison" it by the end (meaning, I spoke through the lines because I just couldn't sing anymore...). I then spent the rest of the night gargling salt water downstairs, trying my darndest to make anything come out, but also to not make it look like I was panicking onstage. The funny thing is that people in the audience said they couldn't tell at all...and even 2 of my friends who were there said that they could only tell "something" was wrong at the very end of "Fine White Horse', but they also knew I had been sick this week. It's hard when you prepare so much and you put yourself into something 100% and then your body betrays you. The only thought that kept me going was that I was sick when I auditioned and got the role...so if I could do it then, I could do it now. I wasn't going to let my fellow cast members down and I certainly wasn't going to let myself down. Sure, it wasn't exactly as I had hoped it would go, but I didn't quit. I didn't freak out. I kept my composure and kept it going. THAT has to count for something, right?

Here's hoping tonight goes better, can't really tell what's going to happen...I feel fine for the most part. My cords are a bit tender, having some tea and hoping for the best. Ahhh live theater...always finds a way to knock you down a peg... ;-)

Crossroads

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm at crossroads of sorts. I feel like I need to make some immediate decisions, and if I choose to continue with the status quo that nothing will ever change for me. It is no secret that I am unhappy in my workplace, not because of my coworkers, just that the nature of the job has really worn me down over the years and that it has become so stale for me that I can't really handle it anymore. I feel like am constantly putting out fires relating to interpersonal problems instead of just serving coffee. It's hard to deal with on a daily basis, that's for sure. It certainly makes it hard to want to go to work because you never know what you're going to get that day. I also find myself being in such a rut that I can't remember what tasks I've completed that particular day. I do the same thing, day in, day out, most of the time, the days mush together so much that I forget what I've done. For instance, last week, I almost forgot to go to the bank. The "normal" time that I go had come and gone due to higher customer volume and different employee shifts and whatnot, so I just assumed that I went. Alas, I did not. Luckily, I remembered before it was time for me to leave for the day, but that shouldn't happen. And it wasn't anything detrimental to the business, but it's clearly showing me that I need a change of pace. My life is so stagnant. I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting for something else to come along. It's my own fault. If I want things to change, I have to actively make choices to change them.

I find myself creating lists of "practical" reasons to not do things, or to do things. I'm not making excuses. I'm trying to be true to myself and my financial situation. I can't make irresponsible decisions because the minute I do, we could be coming up short on our rent or find ourselves becoming delinquent on bills. I know that a job that I take needs to pay more money that I am currently being paid and must offer insurance, or at least some compensation to pay for said insurance.

I also need to find a job that makes me happy. Maybe that's too much to ask. Am I happy right now? Not necessarily. Should I let a job define my happiness? Probably not. But does it? You bet your ass it does. When you meet someone, what is one of the first questions you are asked..."What do you do?". I always stumble, feel stupid, and then try to rationalize that I work at Sbux because it pays my bills while I work on being a singer. But that's a lie. Am I really working hard to be a singer? No. In this case, I clearly can't afford to take lessons or coachings right now. But do I practice? Not anywhere NEAR the amount I need to. I could still be practicing, learning new music, reading, etc.

It's hard to work in a job where not only are you unhappy, but you're poor too. A friend commented that it's a bit demoralizing for it to be both. And there's nothing wrong with taking a job that'll pay you more so that you can at least try to focus on finding your happiness with that extra money coming in. She's right. I work hard. Those of you who've never worked at Sbux might not believe me, but it's more than just slapping down a cup of coffee. Besides the obvious of being on your feet for 6-8 hours in a row, dealing with long lines of demanding customers, you're expected to be "on" 100% of the time, giving "legendary" customer service, bending over backwards to serve people who really couldn't care less about you, for the most part. It's hard to feel good about yourself. It's a thankless job. Unless you're seriously kissing ass, no one above your store level gives a shit about you and clearly makes that known. I refuse to fall all over myself to be noticed. I do my job and I do it well. I don't need to become something I'm not to impress anyone. I've been with the company long enough to know what I like and what I don't like about it...and that's one of the reasons why I never took the opportunity to move up. I couldn't fake my way through that life. I'm not interested in kissing ass for the rest of my life. I've worked hard to make my relationships as genuine as can be, I'm too old to be a fake version of myself, and I feel that's what the company wants from us.

I'm also just about finished with The Secret Garden, which means going back to my "normal" life...and after a few short weeks, it'll be time to go back to Ghosts. Am I happy about that decision? Not necessarily. I can't say I'm excited to go back. I keep questioning my decision. Did I make an irrational decision because the email about returning came the same week that Andrew was laid off? Did I not give myself the adequate amount of time to think about it and just said yes to "save" us? It certainly doesn't hold the same appeal it used to for me. I know that I'm going to have to put in massive amounts of work for it to be worthwhile to me, and I don't know if I even want to put in the effort. So many things have changed there over the last 4 years that it just isn't what it once was for me. Has my ship sailed as far as this is concerned? Am I doing this because I want to? Or because I feel like I should??

I find myself between a rock and a hard place where a lot of stuff is concerned. I feel like I'd be letting people down if I quit Sbux, or if I quit Ghosts. But what about me? No one thinks about me when THEY quit Sbux, or they left ghosts. Right?? Shouldn't I think of myself first and foremost? Even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm usually putting someone else before me. Do I think they'll "fail" without me? Do I feel like I'm THAT important that everything will completely fall apart? Sure, things might be shaky at first, as they transition, but they certainly wouldn't fail. They'd pick themselves up and dust themselves off. People leave jobs all the time. People make changes all the time.

What am I afraid of? Why can't I just take a leap and go for it? I've fallen into a rut in my life. Everything seems stagnant. I've allowed my exercise/healthy eating to become stagnant, (i.e. sometimes happening, sometimes not), as well. This week I'm not emotionally eating, I was just tired and chose to sleep instead of workout. This upcoming week, with dress rehearsals, I'll be hoping for time to workout, but will be exhausted. And after the show is over, that'll allow me to get back into focusing on exercising. I need to find something exciting about it again. I had so much fun when I was taking the ballet and kickboxing classes, but I know I can't afford that right now, so I need to look for other avenues that might lead to the same result. Maybe On Demand, or Netflix instant.

Am I crazy to want to make sweeping changes across the board? Perhaps. But then again, am I crazy to just let life plod along, not ever changing anything, allowing myself to become unhappier? Absolutely.

I took control of my unhealthy habits for a long time. I need to create that same resolve and do it in all aspects of my life so that I can finally live the life I WANT to live.

Loss

When you look up "loss" in the dictionary, a lot of negative words show up. It's not a good thing. It's NEVER a good thing, except in the case of "weight loss". That's the only time you're congratulated, envied perhaps, for your loss. When weight loss occurs, you don't send out sympathy cards. "Sorry for your loss" is not spoken in an awkward attempt to make you both feel better. Fruit baskets don't arrive at the door, you aren't flooded with flowers. But, in the end, you are feeling much better than any other kind of loss.

Unfortunately, the last 2 months has brought the wrong kind of loss. Loss of job (Andrew's), loss of motivation (me), and what may be turning into loss of mind...

I signed up for the Hyannis 10K as a way to motivate myself. That worked for awhile, and then when Andrew got laid off, it was over. I ran the race and thought that would push me back in the right direction and it didn't happen. I've been eating crap, sleeping more, and just abandoning the new life I made for myself. Am I stress eating? Yes. Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I helping myself at all? Absolutely not. Do I need an intervention? Yes.

I don't want to make excuses for myself, but what else can I do?? I am scared out of my mind that Andrew was laid off. Thousands of people are on unemployment everyday, but how do you do it? How does it work? How do you go about your daily life while wondering if all of your hopes and dreams have to be put on hold? We got engaged in November, and we are hoping to get married in Fall 2012, but this will put a significant damper on those plans. I know, I know..."You don't have to have a big wedding", "just elope", "you don't have to have a wedding at all, just go to city hall". But what if I WANT those things?! I WANT a wedding. I WANT a dress. I WANT a time to celebrate with my family and friends. We deserve it. But how do you plan for something financially, when your finances need to go to keep you afloat?? People ask how the wedding plans are going...ummm. They're not? I haven't thought about it in weeks. *sigh* I just don't know what to do.

So, needless to say, I'm doing a lot of emotional eating lately. The only thing I feel like I'm in control of right now is my personal performance in "The Secret Garden". I know that I can't control anything that happens regarding anyone else in the show, but I can certainly make sure that I will give it all of my effort. I am so excited to play Martha. It's a role that I've dreamed of playing for a long time and to finally have that chance is amazing. And as great as it's going for me, personally, I can't seem to get anything else in my life in order right now.

I eat crap at work. I eat crap at home. I haven't been to the gym since January. I use my schedule as an excuse. I added some hours to my work week when Andrew was laid off, so now I'm at work until 130 on MOn and Wed. The last thing I want to do is workout afterwards. I'm exhausted by that point. I'm hoping that with daylight's savings time approaching this weekend, that maybe the sun staying up a little later will make me want to go for a run after my nap? I don't know. All I've wanted to do is eat and sleep. Do I have Seasonal Affective Disorder? Am I just sad? Am I trying to cope with all of these "adult" situations that I'm not prepared for?

I am so frustrated with myself, I just want to scream. I don't want to live like this.

And yet, I can't stop my destructive behavior.

*hangs head*

By the numbers

Alright, people. So far in all of this, I've been very honest and very open...except for one thing. I've not been brave enough to divulge my "numbers". Well, how else will I truly face the facts of what I've done, and what I still need to do?? I must be honest with myself. And no better way to be honest with myself, then to be honest with all of you too.

This week, my amazing soon-to-be fitness competitor friend, JC, brought her body fat monitor into work as one of our co-workers wanted to measure his body fat. It looked kind of like a handheld video game. (Half jokingly, I responded "YAY! I got the highest score! I won!", but of course, we all know that was a defense mechanism...even though I hadn't even done the test yet.) I wasn't going to do it. But I was curious. Who wouldn't be?? A few of us tried it out, others opted out. We joked that we'll hang a poster in the backroom and check our progress every couple of weeks and if you don't improve, you're fired. :-) Now THAT would be motivation, I suppose...can't afford to be out of work, plus everyone would SEE my numbers.

So, up to this point I have been saying I've lost 80-85 lbs. Well, that WAS true. Alas, according to the scale today, I have lost 77.7 lbs. I know that the months of December and January totally killed my motivation in exercise AND eating better. BUT, I haven't lost sight of my goal, and I still signed up for the 10K and will finish it. (I also know I've gained some weight since the night before Thanksgiving when I got engaged...as my ring has a VERY tough time coming off...maybe that's psychological, I don't want it to come off. hehehe.) Alright. Here goes.

Starting weight: 290.8.

Wow. Holy shit. Yes. I was almost 300 lbs. Did I think I looked that heavy? Nope. Not in my own eyes, but looking at pictures, yes, I didn't "wear it well". As a fat person you trick yourself into thinking that you don't look THAT heavy. Yes, I've always tried to dress well for my size, finding the right cut, the right colors, but in the end, it didn't hide the true problem. I was unhealthy and unhappy.

Current weight: 213.1
Previous lowest weight: 206.5
First goal weight: 190.8

Now comes the dreaded BMI. The thing that tells us we're all obese and should cease to exist. The "optimal" BMI is between 20 and 25. Over 30 and you're obese. Over 40 and you're morbidly obese. Did I feel "morbidly obese"? No. Was I? Yup. See, even at almost 300 lbs, I looked at others, the people on TLC and Biggest Loser at 400-500-600 lbs and thought "Gee, sucks to be them. I'm good." No, dummy, you weren't. You were in denial. It sucked to be me, I just couldn't admit it. Life was tougher than it needed to be. I could still walk, dance, move, etc, so I thought I was fine.

Starting BMI: 46.9 <---yowza.
Current BMI: 34.4 <---alrighty, then. Not too shabby, definitely getting somewhere.

Unfortunately, I didn't take a starting body fat percentage, but I imagine it was at least 50%, probably higher.

Current Body Fat %: 38.8. Still flabby, but trying to get rid of it. I actually expected this number to be higher than that, so I was pretty impressed with myself.


At this point, I'm almost panicking, about ready to hit delete, or close this window so as to not announce this to the world. I must face my fears. Gasp. People will know. Ummm, hello? They've seen you. They realize you were/are fat. It's not this big secret. And we do put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be a certain "number". And I used to be really big into the whole "accept me for who I am, not what I look like" thing. I still agree with that...but as I look at it now, I need to be healthy to live the life I want to lead. I want to be around. I want to have a long life with my friends and family. I don't want to spend my life being unhappy. I've already spent too many of my 31 years being sad on the inside, hiding it well with jokes and trying to get people to see me for something else other than "the fat girl".

Numbers play a big part in our lives. How much money do you make? How much do you weigh? How many degrees do you have? How many gigs are on your resume? How many friends do you have on Facebook?

Goddammit. None of that stuff is important. How happy are you? Do you enjoy your life? Are you happy with who you are? If you aren't, what can do you to change it? You don't need to have 34984 facebook "friends" to be a happy person. You need to take the relationships that you DO have and cultivate them. Put time and effort into them and the love will grow and you'll find happiness in those people that love and care about you. Most of us spend too much time on Facebook (ME, ME, ME) reading up on our "friends" lives and spend way too little time actually TALKING to those friends. If we weren't facebook friends, would you call me up? Would we see each other? Do we see each other now?! I love and hate social media for this reason. I love that I've been able to reconnect with so many people from my past...but I also loathe the fact that I feel so much more disconnected from real life and real people.

I've struggled over the years to figure out who I really am. Do I know now? Not 100%, but I'm probably at about 90% now. Last night, a dear friend, a running buddy, MMV said that I am a very different person now than I was 77.7 lbs ago. I wondered for a long time if people thought this was true. I mean, yes, I certainly feel like I've changed. People view you differently, but as I become more confident in my abilities and find the strength that I never knew I possessed, I become a different person. I am less insecure. I feel like I actually deserve to be happy and deserve good things to happen to me. For a long time, this was not the case. I was never suicidal or clinically depressed, but I lived a life of "woe is me" and felt great pity for myself, wondering why nothing ever went my way. Why didn't a certain guy like ME?! Why was I always "the friend" and never the lover? Why didn't I get that role?...amongst many other complaints over the years.

I don't know if this is true, but it certainly FEELS true. I didn't respect myself. I didn't like who I was. And if I didn't like who I was, truly, deeply...why would anyone want to be with me? You can only fake self-esteem long enough.

I will no longer hide who I am or who I mean to be.

I won't hide behind these numbers anymore.

They are numbers, pure and simple. They do not define me.

They do not define my life, nor who I will be when this journey brings me to a better place.

Rekindle

A very wise lady, on a journey of her own (making it to 75 lbs lost this week!!!), gave me some very sound advice. She said that this choice of healthy living is much like being in a relationship. At the beginning, you are very excited and you think about it all the time, you wonder how to make it better. But after awhile, you're out of that honeymoon phase, and it gets harder. You think about the way things used to be, you miss your freedom, you just want to do whatever you want. And that's when you decide if you're in it for the long haul, or if it's time to end it. If not, then you must find a way to rekindle the excitement you once felt.

This is a relationship that I don't want to end. I don't want to break up with myself. I don't want all of my hard work and energy to be in vain. I've been a good girl, but I've cheated. In this case, cheating isn't an automatic end to things, thank goodness. At the point I am at, I don't really use the terms, "I've been bad" when I eat something that isn't exactly healthy. I recognize that I won't eat healthy 100% of the time. If you can, congrats. I know that I won't. Although, my idea of unhealthy eating is very different than it used to be. But my tastes have changed so much that I really do crave fruit most of the time. Veggies are another story. I definitely need to find the excitement I once had for veggies. I really had a wonderful relationship with them for awhile. I dreamed of ways to cook them, how to try it next. And then I just abandoned them, not completely, but enough that I bet they noticed. I got bored with them. I didn't even seek counseling with them!

Rekindling my love for exercise is another story. I read magazines and websites galore about exercise, how to do it better, faster, longer, stronger. I talk about running. I think about running. I see my shoes sitting there. I think about it all morning while I'm at work, and then when I'm finally free, I come home...I see my shoes...I walk past them and I sit down on the couch. And the next thing I know, I've fallen asleep and it's dark outside. Running in the dark is not the problem, I don't mind that, it's that it's difficult when it's snowy and icy. At least during the day, I can SEE the icy death that is ahead of me.

I certainly don't need help making excuses for myself, I'm really good at that. I need help remembering why I am doing this.

I've seen friends have serious health scares due to their weight. I've seen my family members live their lives heavy, yet unable to do a lot of things. I've seen strangers struggling through the day, caring the burden of their weight. But most of all, I've felt the burden. I've missed out on a lot of things due to my weight. I've suffered with low self-esteem, been rejected more times that I can remember, and felt like there was nothing I could do to change things. But there IS something I can do...I can choose to eat better food. REAL food. I can get off my butt and move. I can go to the actual, physical gym and use the membership that I'm paying for. (granted it's only $10 a month, but it's still money that I'm wasting if I don't go.) I can use the tools I have at home, yoga DVD, balance ball DVD, Women's Health Toning Station. I can support my friends and reach out for their support when I need it. I can blog about my feelings and know that I'm not alone, even though I may feel like I am.

January always brings resolutions galore, and with it, new fat shows on TV. I've been a fan of The Biggest Loser for a long time, but it's getting old right now. I'm not finding the motivation in the show right now, and it's just the same. Nothing new. Booooring. I've taken to watching Heavy on A&E and I Used to Be Fat on MTV. Heavy is interesting because it focuses on 2 people during the hour, showing their 3 or 6 month journey (can't remember), spending time away from their families to start, and then returning to real life and how/if they can be successful. And I Used to Be Fat focuses on teens, usually seniors in high school, who spend almost 4 months working out, trying to lose weight before they enter college. These shows are certainly not showing what it's like in the real world, as most of these people are working out all the time, just like on Biggest Loser. But it shows a different perspective, I suppose.

I posted my own Biggest Loser moment photo on Boston.com this week. I am proud of my accomplishments, even though I know I still have a ways to go. I am proud of my friends, who are currently on their own journeys, making those changes everyday, losing weight, feeling better, and being inspirations to people in their lives. A shoutout to an old singer friend of mine who hit her Weight Watchers goal this week and officially became a Lifetime member and started her own blog. Another friend is thinking about starting her own running program. Another friend has entered a fitness competition and has transformed her entire diet and been working out like a fiend and continues to amaze with her strength! And yet another friend has been slowing building her running back up following an injury and adds a little bit of distance every week, showing that patience is key in this game.

I am very lucky to have inspiration coming at me from all over. How do I NOT rekindle my own love for myself with this kind of power surrounding me??

Get out there. Do it.

I am worth it.

And so are you.

Stuck

I signed up for the Hyannis 10K, which happens on February 27th. Since signing up, I have run once. ONCE. For 1.5 miles. That's it. Sure, my excuses include going to PA for 5 days, another blizzard, and getting sick. Are these valid excuses? I haven't done anything for my physical self other than shoveling more snow. I am feeling stuck. I am feeling like I need to push myself to do something now. I had all intentions of doing stuff today, and then yesterday, I fell on the ice, crashed down harder than I thought I did apparently, and today am in a bit of pain. Excuses, excuses. Am I being "too cautious"? Will working out help or hurt at this point?

Now, that being said, I finally put myself out there and went to 2 auditions this week. I really felt good about the first one, but unfortunately, I wasn't offered more than an ensemble part. I'm disappointed because I think the director has a wonderful vision and the people seemed really nice. I am not mad. I did the best I could at that time, getting over a cold, and still doing as well as I did. I suppose I would just like an explanation of what went wrong, or what wasn't "right" for them. It's one thing if you bomb the audition, but when other people in the room are expecting you to be given something...and then you come up empty handed. It's hard. I'm not going to allow this to frustrate me or to discourage me. It's my first REAL audition in a looooong time. It's my first time out there in my "new body", with my new headshots and just a new outlook on what I am able to do. I used to categorize myself as a character actress or as a supporting role only. I went to a 2nd audition last night and I felt really good about it. My vocal cords are a little angry at me for putting them through the wringer on Sunday at the other callbacks, so there's a lot of mucus (sorry, TMI!) and it's making it a little difficult to sing without having to clear my throat. I'm hoping that it's cleared up by tomorrow night for the callbacks. I need to remember that I am a good singer, I am a good actress and I deserve to show it off. I am not trying to be vain. I hate feeling like I'm sounding like one of those puffed up singers. I know that I have talent, I just want to share it. I want to get back on stage. I love the feeling of performing. It's really like nothing else. I can only hope that things will work out the way I'd like them to...

But that being said...if I do get cast in this show, then I need to really buckle down and get serious about a workout schedule vs. rehearsal schedule. I will be tired. I will be busy. I can't use those excuses anymore. I can't allow all of my previous hard work to be a waste...I don't want to regain this weight. I don't want to lose the motivation I had...have...had. I feel myself slipping into bad habits. It's hard to eat badly when your cabinets and refridgerator is full of healthy food, but I feel like I'm finding a way. I've been drinking too much at work in the last 2 weeks. I've been eating too much crappy Sbux food. Why am I sabotaging myself like this?

Why do I have a fear of success? I create obstacles for myself. I create excuses so that I don't feel so badly about not achieving a goal. I make it "okay". And then I stew about it. And I get down on myself. Self-deprecating behavior doesn't help anyone. We all know that, yet we continue to do it. How many jokes do you make at your own expense on a daily basis? Do you call yourself stupid, ugly, fat, etc.? I know I do. And i "think" that i do it in jest...but I don't. Do I believe those things about myself? Do I think of myself as fat? Yes. I'm also really good at making myself feel guilty. And it's when I'm feeling guilty about not working out or eating well that I start with the negative self-talk. I am lucky. I have wonderful friends, family and a loving fiancee. And I have to focus on those things instead of letting my evil self-hating demons take over.

As Dori says...Just keep swimming...that's all we CAN do. Otherwise we drown. We drown in our own negativity. We drown in pressures from others. We drown in pressure from ourselves. Head up, eyes on the prize. Just keep swimming.

Passion

"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it."

The other day, thanks to GI Jane, I had a pre-job interview meeting. This guy at her company is looking for an Exec Admin and she talked to him about me and set up a meeting. I certainly wasn't super stoked about it, but was somewhat interested just to see what this guy was like and if I'd find something I liked. Unfortunately, I didn't. There's a great chance that I am not what he's looking for, which is totally fine. I'm absolutely okay with that. As we talked, the only thing that kept running through my head was "Why am I here?". He seemed a bit smarmy, if you will. Jane warned me of his deep breathing, extensive eye closing, etc, but it was still difficult to sit there and take him seriously. BUT, I will say that a few things he said really stuck with me. He was talking about IT and all of these things that I know NOTHING about, but kept going back to the idea of "Passion". He works about 70 hours a week, and without passion for his work, he doesn't know how he would survive, or feel that it was worth it. Yes. Absolutely, sir. I really have no passion to be an EA. I don't think that the full-on corporate world is for me. I don't know why it took a second visit to this place to realize it, but it's true. I don't know if I would be able to conform to this extremely quiet office environment. But I also don't know if I could do this job as this man needs. And that's okay. I am glad that I can admit that this isn't for me. Not saying I want to stay at the Bux forever, but for now, it serves it's purpose for me, and as much as I hate the way some of the customers make me feel, I do enjoy the interaction.

What am I passionate about? And how do I go about using those passions to fulfill my life?

I am passionate about changing my life. I am passionate about my friends.

I am not nearly as passionate as I used to be about singing. I love to sing. I feel great when I do it, but I don't push myself as I used to. Am I afraid of failure? Am I lazy? Am I afraid to put all of my heart and soul into something to only have it dissolve? Yes.

I am throwing my hat back into the audition ring this weekend. I am auditioning for 2 different productions of "The Secret Garden". I absolutely love this show and really hope that I am cast. This is the first time I'm auditioning with my new headshots and my new self. I really feel that I won't be turned away because of my size. I feel like I am in the normal range now and can only hope that it won't be about MY looks. I know that auditions are subjective and that it's rarely about ME. How do I look with him? How do I sound with her? Blahblahblah. But maybe, just maybe, I'm who they are actually looking for. :-) THAT would be a victory.

Sometimes I think that I'm doing things for all of the wrong reasons. Andrew and I had a pretty deep conversation this weekend concerning the early stages of our wedding plans. And we both realized that we were on the fast track to nowhere. We were trying to please people and were moving far away from "us". I feel like I do that in my life. I do things because I "should", or because I'm expected to. In this conversation we realize that our families play a large part in how we act, especially with them. Andrew gets into the "sullen teenager" role at times with his family. We know that our way of life is very different than other people. We don't own a car. We don't own a home. We get by, but aren't rolling in the dough. Despite all of that, we are happy. We are in love and looking forward to our life together. We try to stay optimistic about things, but reality often smacks us in the face. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for the way I live. Just because I don't have the material things that are "necessary" in life doesn't mean that my life is a waste. We like living in the city, or close to it. A yard might be nice down the road, but right now, it's not necessary.

There I go. Apologizing. Rationalizing MY life. It's MY life, get over it.

Why do we do that? Why do we feel like our lives, our choices aren't good enough? In essence, are we apologizing for ourselves? Is this a self esteem issue? And again, this brings us back, full circle to why I eat. Or ate. Nah, eat. I still emotionally eat. Certainly not as much as I used to, and not the garbage that I used to. But I'll still eat to feel better. I self-medicate. I eat when I'm bored. The good thing about not having a lot of food in the house is that I can't binge eat. Do I want to? No. But are there times when I want to say "fuck it" and just do whatever I want. CONSTANTLY. I want to do this for me. I want to learn to change. I want my brain to get rid of the messages swirling around in there. I've said it before and I'll say it again...old habits die hard. And as I see that things stay very much the same for my family, it makes me want to change my life all the more.

I live a few states away, but in this day of technology, you'd expect to be in touch with your family constantly. I am not. I've been in Boston for 6 1/2 years. And in that 6 1/2 years, my mom has visited me a few times, as money allows, but other than that, no one else has come to see me and my life. The wedding will probably be the first time that they see my day-to-day. It's hard to watch your family be so wrapped up and involved in each other's lives and feel like a complete outsider. Was it my choice to move away? Yes, indeed it was. I've been rather independent since moving to Indiana, PA to attend IUP. I never felt a pull to stay in Langhorne, PA. I made the choice to leave, and I suppose, by doing that, I chose to leave them all behind. I feel like I am that 2nd cousin at the family reunion that you don't really remember. And then there's my mom. She's much more negative than I ever thought. I didn't really notice it until Andrew pointed it out to me this weekend. Life is hard for her, i get that, but what mother wouldn't ask anything about her own daughter's upcoming wedding?! Is she mad at me for getting married? Does she think that life will hand me what she got? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not asking for money, I just want support. No one has money to give, I get that. I never once mentioned money to anyone. It's not like the old days when you got a dowry with your bride. Andrew and I realize that we will be scraping together whatever we can to have the wedding of our dreams. We won't be putting ourselves into major debt over it, but we expect to deal with that as we come to it.

I know that love doesn't pay the bills, but it certainly makes you feel better about yourself. Love from yourself, love from your friends, your family, etc. You can't expect to do everything by yourself. Everyone needs love, and transforming that love, spreading that love, sharing your passion with others is the way to better your own life.

You don't know it, but you've probably inspired someone to make a change in their life. Good job.