I don't know what it is, but lately, my mind is saying one thing and my body is saying another. It's this interesting internal battle. I really want to go for a run, so I lace up and go out to do it, and as I'm out there, my legs are going "Kiss my ass!" or whatever and I'm just struggling. Sure, it could be the incredible heat and humidity, or maybe I just need to suck it up and really start pushing myself. My knee isn't the problem...where it was for awhile. Perhaps, I need to stretch my hip flexors more. I just don't know. But what I do know is that it's hard to keep going when your body is fighting you the whole way.
I'm not trying to make excuses. I'm just trying to verbalize, so I can figure it out. I still go. I still do it. But it's certainly not as enjoyable as it COULD be, or as it has been. I did some yoga after my run today, to try and stretch things out. I'm feeling pretty good right now, mentally preparing for this concert I'm singing tonight. The weather is gorgeous, and I'm looking forward to putting on my pretty dress and new shoes. :-) And I know that for once, i actually do look good, not just a fat girl in a pretty dress.
My journey has been relatively easy, but some days are definitely harder than others. I fight myself to make a good choice. I fight to NOT eat that bread in the basket at the restaurant. I've been trying to make the best choices the last few days, but I will admit that I've been indulging a bit in the ice cream. Tsk tsk. I know. I had some delightful chocolate custard from The Meadows the other night and that was coerced into a chocolate blizzard from Dairy Queen. Although, the other meals during the day have been as good as I could make them, and I've worked out.
Being away from your normal set-up is interesting, as you find ways to adapt to your surroundings. I definitely have a good grasp on what I need to do to keep myself feeling healthy and being active. I've been here in PA for 2 days already, and have worked out both days and have done relatively well, as far as eating's concerned. I had some white pasta the other night, but when that's the only choice, you try to make it better. I had pasta primavera, lots of yummy veggies. And when we visited Sheetz (YAY!), I had turkey on wheat and veggies...not my old standbys...club sub with mayo and cheese, or a big fat hot dog and a salad covered in unhealthy junk. I am doing what I can. i'm trying. And so far, my body isn't fighting me on those choices. It only seems to fight a bit as I exercise. Why is that?
Why am I getting slower? Why do I feel as though I'm slogging along through a run when I used to feel so footloose and fancy-free? What is going on? I've been trying to change up my exercise routine, adding the dance class and just trying to do what I want, when I want to. I don't want exercise to become something that I resent having to do. Enough people hate exercising, and how will I remain on this path if I hate to exercise?! There's no way. I have to maintain a mentally healthy connection to exercising. But what if my body rebels? Why do my hips hurt? Stretching may help as well as doing some hip strengthening exercises.
BUT, how do you keep going mentally when it hurts?! Do you push through? Do you stop and wait for it to subside? When does normal pain become an injury? I know I'm not injured. But sometimes as you push, you hope your body can keep up. I've been trashing my body for so long that I hope that it doesn't give up on me during this time. I wonder if the pain is my body's way of saying "thank you" or saying "fuck you". Hahaha. It's a fine, fine line sometimes...
As each day passes and I feel myself getting stronger, seeing myself being able to do things that I could never do, I must remember how far I've come, how far my two legs have carried me. I know that my journey will never really be over. Spending 30 years as an overweight person, it doesn't completely disappear in a year. I still see myself as I was. I don't know if I'll ever really get over it. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to erase that image. But with each step I take, each wheezing breath I suck into my taxed lungs, I know that I am fighting to break down that barrier between the thin girl that wants to come out and the fat girl who resided here for so long.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Out of the box
Hello readers! Sorry it's been awhile, but my computer died last week during what was to be high blogging time. Arrgggh. Good news, we are now in possession of a beautiful new Macbook. Ahhhhh. It's lovely.
I've been thinking about the challenges that we all face in our normal, everyday lives to make the best choices possible for ourselves. But then, I began thinking about what happens when you are out of your comfort zone...out of your box, so to speak. I leave tomorrow morning for my annual August pilgrimage to Western PA to teach at a high school marching band camp. I am very excited to see my friends, to see the kids, and to just have some nice R&R from my norm. I am a little anxious about finding/keeping the motivation to exercise and eat well when I'm in a different place. Now, yes, in Key West, I did extremely well, but also allowed myself to enjoy my vacation. This situation is a BIT different. I am not officially on vacation. I will actually be working, singing a concert and doing 2 weeks of camp. Although, as I won't be in my normal routine, it's a bit of a vacation. Sure, I'll have a lot of time to breathe in the fabulous country air and to do whatever I'd like. I just need to make sure that my priorities are straight. I say this because in years past, this was a time of indulgence and just loafing around. How many ice cream stands can we hit this week? Fried vegetables? SURE! These little roadside stands are not exactly known for their healthy choices. I am lucky to hear that my friends have also started focusing a little more on their food choices, probably making things a little easier for me. We'll go grocery shopping, and I just need to remember that I'm still on a mission. I certainly don't want to gain weight while I'm away...which I don't think will happen. I want to try different things. I'm excited to go running on a gravel and dirt country road. (Hopefully I won't get hit by a car....or a bear...) There's apparently a "bitch-ass" hill out the back of their house that is a good source of exercise as well. I know that I'll be much more energetic and interested in exercising....I know how I feel when I do it, and I know how I feel when I don't. I'm much better when I do. Weird. Never thought I'd say that.
I do find that my mood improves when I get some exercise. Last night, I went to my Glee dance class, which unfortunately ends for the summer while I'm away. Boooooo. It ended up being a private lesson, as no one else showed up. It was awesome! He taught me a routine to Ike and Tina's "Proud Mary". VERY high energy and lots of movement. I was sweating up a storm. And I was very tired when I went in there, but felt amazing afterwards. I definitely love dancing, always have. I need to find more classes that I'm interested in because I feel this is a good place to spend my money. Going to the gym and running are all well and good, but a little variety is always good. I do yoga at home and don't know how I'd like doing it in an earthy-crunchy studio. I feel like I'm a way better dancer than I am yogi. I feel confident taking those mad skillz into a studio. ;-) Dancing is freeing...and if you allow yourself to have fun and forget yourself, it's amazing.
I watched this documentary the other night called "Every Little Step", about the audition process for the revival of A Chorus Line in 2006. It was so great, and definitely made me miss dancing. I wish I had stuck with it. I wish I hadn't felt I was too fat to dance. I probably wouldn't have continued down that path had I remained enrolled in dance class. I went from some exercise to no exercise in no time flat. I don't have many regrets in life...but giving up on dancing is definitely one of them. I basically quit on myself. I didn't think i was good enough, pretty enough, etc. So i just quit. I focused on music instead. I excelled at music, but it wasn't much of a workout, except during marching band season.
Throughout this journey, it's very hard not to look to the past to place blame or search for answers. I'm trying to avoid starting every scenario with "I wish I'd..." or "If only I had....". Life is not going to move forward for me if I continue to dredge up unhappy feelings in the past. I suppose all we can do is use our regrets to make better choices as life goes on. Learn from your mistakes, don't let your dreams go unfulfilled. Try to make yourself happy. It's not selfish. You deserve the best. And whatever makes you happy, you should try to engage in those activities. It's hard when stuff like work gets in the way...but if we can try to do something for ourselves everyday, you'll probably find the quality of your life will improve immensely. Go ahead, give it a try, what do you have to lose?
I've been thinking about the challenges that we all face in our normal, everyday lives to make the best choices possible for ourselves. But then, I began thinking about what happens when you are out of your comfort zone...out of your box, so to speak. I leave tomorrow morning for my annual August pilgrimage to Western PA to teach at a high school marching band camp. I am very excited to see my friends, to see the kids, and to just have some nice R&R from my norm. I am a little anxious about finding/keeping the motivation to exercise and eat well when I'm in a different place. Now, yes, in Key West, I did extremely well, but also allowed myself to enjoy my vacation. This situation is a BIT different. I am not officially on vacation. I will actually be working, singing a concert and doing 2 weeks of camp. Although, as I won't be in my normal routine, it's a bit of a vacation. Sure, I'll have a lot of time to breathe in the fabulous country air and to do whatever I'd like. I just need to make sure that my priorities are straight. I say this because in years past, this was a time of indulgence and just loafing around. How many ice cream stands can we hit this week? Fried vegetables? SURE! These little roadside stands are not exactly known for their healthy choices. I am lucky to hear that my friends have also started focusing a little more on their food choices, probably making things a little easier for me. We'll go grocery shopping, and I just need to remember that I'm still on a mission. I certainly don't want to gain weight while I'm away...which I don't think will happen. I want to try different things. I'm excited to go running on a gravel and dirt country road. (Hopefully I won't get hit by a car....or a bear...) There's apparently a "bitch-ass" hill out the back of their house that is a good source of exercise as well. I know that I'll be much more energetic and interested in exercising....I know how I feel when I do it, and I know how I feel when I don't. I'm much better when I do. Weird. Never thought I'd say that.
I do find that my mood improves when I get some exercise. Last night, I went to my Glee dance class, which unfortunately ends for the summer while I'm away. Boooooo. It ended up being a private lesson, as no one else showed up. It was awesome! He taught me a routine to Ike and Tina's "Proud Mary". VERY high energy and lots of movement. I was sweating up a storm. And I was very tired when I went in there, but felt amazing afterwards. I definitely love dancing, always have. I need to find more classes that I'm interested in because I feel this is a good place to spend my money. Going to the gym and running are all well and good, but a little variety is always good. I do yoga at home and don't know how I'd like doing it in an earthy-crunchy studio. I feel like I'm a way better dancer than I am yogi. I feel confident taking those mad skillz into a studio. ;-) Dancing is freeing...and if you allow yourself to have fun and forget yourself, it's amazing.
I watched this documentary the other night called "Every Little Step", about the audition process for the revival of A Chorus Line in 2006. It was so great, and definitely made me miss dancing. I wish I had stuck with it. I wish I hadn't felt I was too fat to dance. I probably wouldn't have continued down that path had I remained enrolled in dance class. I went from some exercise to no exercise in no time flat. I don't have many regrets in life...but giving up on dancing is definitely one of them. I basically quit on myself. I didn't think i was good enough, pretty enough, etc. So i just quit. I focused on music instead. I excelled at music, but it wasn't much of a workout, except during marching band season.
Throughout this journey, it's very hard not to look to the past to place blame or search for answers. I'm trying to avoid starting every scenario with "I wish I'd..." or "If only I had....". Life is not going to move forward for me if I continue to dredge up unhappy feelings in the past. I suppose all we can do is use our regrets to make better choices as life goes on. Learn from your mistakes, don't let your dreams go unfulfilled. Try to make yourself happy. It's not selfish. You deserve the best. And whatever makes you happy, you should try to engage in those activities. It's hard when stuff like work gets in the way...but if we can try to do something for ourselves everyday, you'll probably find the quality of your life will improve immensely. Go ahead, give it a try, what do you have to lose?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Under pressure
What can I say? I'm a bloggin' fool this weekend....with the em-PHA-sis on "fool". So, you're welcome. (Or, I'm sorry. Hahaha.)
I woke up this morning and really wanted to go out for a run, even though it's not a run day on my 5K trainer schedule. So i said, what the hell, let's do it anyway. I decided to go as far as I wanted (not a set distance), walked when I wanted to, ran when I wanted to at whatever speed. I wasn't concerned with pace or anything. Just pumped up the tunes (a new playlist) and went for it. I took a few different turns, winding through the Tufts campus (beautiful, by the way) and ended up doing 2 miles easily. I wasn't thinking about how far I went. I wasn't compulsively checking my Nike+ to have the phantom voice tell me that I had reached my distance goal. And with a new set of tunes, I didn't know how long/far I'd been running/walking. It was quite liberating, akin to the running with no muzak from last week. I felt freer. And I was wondering how it came to this. Why was I placing these limitations on myself? Why was I putting added pressure on something that was supposed to be fun?! I do feel that this 5K trainer has been helping. It gave me a guide, aid to a rutterless ship, if you will. But when it's over, I think I'll just do what I want, when I want. I don't want this to become something I do because I "have to". I want it to be enjoyable, not a chore. My life seems to be about doing things that I have to do, and I'm sure ALL of our lives are like that. When was the last time you did something JUST for you?! (Hopefully it wasn't too long ago...) We get caught up in the obligations of day to day life. Society has trained us to just go, go, go all the time, not stopping for pleasure or relaxation. You must go to work. You must make money. You must mow the lawn. You must do countless things a day that you don't want to do. And if that's all you do, life begins to suck. Hardcore. You get burned out. Your free time becomes plopping in front of the tv, watching mindnumbing garbage like "Jersey Shore", and you wonder where your life has gone. Your energy zapped while trying to figure out how Snooki makes more money than you do, when you are clearly the superior human being. The next thing you know, you've done nothing enjoyable and can't even remember how you spent the last few hours. We've got to learn to turn the TV off. (I'm a big TV lover, don't get me wrong. But I'm trying...) Turn off the Facebook. Do something that's actually meaningful and fun to you!
You may or may not know this about me, but I took dance for about 8 years while growing up. (Yes, I was always the fat girl in dance class. Real cute when recital time came around...ugh...) And I've always loved dancing. A couple years ago, I took an adult tap class, but tried to save money and bought crappy shoes. And my feet hurt and the class was a bit redundant. I didn't really feel like I was learning much. (ALthough, I probably could have put WAY more effort in, but it wasn't that type of class. Everyone else was just casually tappin' away, not going full out to gain a spot on stage a la A Chorus Line or anything.) I've been contemplating the idea of taking a dance class or yoga or something outside of my "norm". I bit the bullet and signed up for a Show Choir "Glee" class at this place called World Rhythms Dance Fitness nearby. The idea of this class really intrigues me, and I can only hope that it'll be as fun as I've already built it up in my mind. (I may end up being the fattest person in the room, but I'll bet that I'll have more rhythm than half of those people in the room.) I won't have any pressure to "perform", unless I put it there.
Even going to gym becomes somewhat of a pressure situation. You plan out what you're going to do before you get there. (that's how I spend my mornings at sbux...thinking of what I'm going to do afterwards...haha.) And you're doing whatever you're doing, but if you don't perform up to that level or the standard you've set for yourself, you start to think about the dreaded F word. Failure. Or say things like, "Oh, that was a waste...". (Guilty.) Isn't it a success that you actually WENT to the gym in the first place? Unless you go and lay down on the mat in the back and take a nap, I'd say you're being productive. Sure, we all have goals for ourselves (most of the time, unrealistic...) but we need to stop making everything an "all or nothing" situation. Try looking at it as an opportunity. I have the chance to go to the gym today...not I HAVE to go to the gym today. I'm trying to change my thinking, especially on days where the last thing I do is want to keep moving. Sometimes you just want to crash. Life is hectic. Allow yourself time to rest, but don't make the mistakes I've made. Don't waste your life sitting around doing nothing. Life is more fun when you're actually living it. Enjoy those moments of fun and respite from your wacky life.
As a wise man once said..."Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." ;-)
I woke up this morning and really wanted to go out for a run, even though it's not a run day on my 5K trainer schedule. So i said, what the hell, let's do it anyway. I decided to go as far as I wanted (not a set distance), walked when I wanted to, ran when I wanted to at whatever speed. I wasn't concerned with pace or anything. Just pumped up the tunes (a new playlist) and went for it. I took a few different turns, winding through the Tufts campus (beautiful, by the way) and ended up doing 2 miles easily. I wasn't thinking about how far I went. I wasn't compulsively checking my Nike+ to have the phantom voice tell me that I had reached my distance goal. And with a new set of tunes, I didn't know how long/far I'd been running/walking. It was quite liberating, akin to the running with no muzak from last week. I felt freer. And I was wondering how it came to this. Why was I placing these limitations on myself? Why was I putting added pressure on something that was supposed to be fun?! I do feel that this 5K trainer has been helping. It gave me a guide, aid to a rutterless ship, if you will. But when it's over, I think I'll just do what I want, when I want. I don't want this to become something I do because I "have to". I want it to be enjoyable, not a chore. My life seems to be about doing things that I have to do, and I'm sure ALL of our lives are like that. When was the last time you did something JUST for you?! (Hopefully it wasn't too long ago...) We get caught up in the obligations of day to day life. Society has trained us to just go, go, go all the time, not stopping for pleasure or relaxation. You must go to work. You must make money. You must mow the lawn. You must do countless things a day that you don't want to do. And if that's all you do, life begins to suck. Hardcore. You get burned out. Your free time becomes plopping in front of the tv, watching mindnumbing garbage like "Jersey Shore", and you wonder where your life has gone. Your energy zapped while trying to figure out how Snooki makes more money than you do, when you are clearly the superior human being. The next thing you know, you've done nothing enjoyable and can't even remember how you spent the last few hours. We've got to learn to turn the TV off. (I'm a big TV lover, don't get me wrong. But I'm trying...) Turn off the Facebook. Do something that's actually meaningful and fun to you!
You may or may not know this about me, but I took dance for about 8 years while growing up. (Yes, I was always the fat girl in dance class. Real cute when recital time came around...ugh...) And I've always loved dancing. A couple years ago, I took an adult tap class, but tried to save money and bought crappy shoes. And my feet hurt and the class was a bit redundant. I didn't really feel like I was learning much. (ALthough, I probably could have put WAY more effort in, but it wasn't that type of class. Everyone else was just casually tappin' away, not going full out to gain a spot on stage a la A Chorus Line or anything.) I've been contemplating the idea of taking a dance class or yoga or something outside of my "norm". I bit the bullet and signed up for a Show Choir "Glee" class at this place called World Rhythms Dance Fitness nearby. The idea of this class really intrigues me, and I can only hope that it'll be as fun as I've already built it up in my mind. (I may end up being the fattest person in the room, but I'll bet that I'll have more rhythm than half of those people in the room.) I won't have any pressure to "perform", unless I put it there.
Even going to gym becomes somewhat of a pressure situation. You plan out what you're going to do before you get there. (that's how I spend my mornings at sbux...thinking of what I'm going to do afterwards...haha.) And you're doing whatever you're doing, but if you don't perform up to that level or the standard you've set for yourself, you start to think about the dreaded F word. Failure. Or say things like, "Oh, that was a waste...". (Guilty.) Isn't it a success that you actually WENT to the gym in the first place? Unless you go and lay down on the mat in the back and take a nap, I'd say you're being productive. Sure, we all have goals for ourselves (most of the time, unrealistic...) but we need to stop making everything an "all or nothing" situation. Try looking at it as an opportunity. I have the chance to go to the gym today...not I HAVE to go to the gym today. I'm trying to change my thinking, especially on days where the last thing I do is want to keep moving. Sometimes you just want to crash. Life is hectic. Allow yourself time to rest, but don't make the mistakes I've made. Don't waste your life sitting around doing nothing. Life is more fun when you're actually living it. Enjoy those moments of fun and respite from your wacky life.
As a wise man once said..."Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." ;-)
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Wet Badge of Courage
I don't know why, but it's psychologically satisfying to see your shirt soaked from sweat after a workout. You think, "Hell yeah, I did it! I kicked some ass!". Perhaps you really did work that hard...or it was just blazing hot out (or in, if you go to MY gym). But whatever the reason, you really feel good about your efforts. You feel like you could conquer the world at that moment. As I was walking home from the local coffee shop for a celebratory iced coffee and the end of my run, I was having the funniest thoughts.
I walked up the hill towards my apartment, the Big Ball of Fire trying to peek out from the lovely blanket of gray that had held it at bay for the duration of my run. And I felt as though I had just won a battle. That I was emerging victorious, the lone survivor. The dark ring of sweat around the neck of my Quik Bunny tshirt. The condensation on outside of my hot pink Camelbak water bottle. The droplets of sweat sliding off of my brow. And I walked up that hill, head slightly down, looking up from under my eyebrows, probably with a bit of a scowl/smirk on my face. At that moment, I was badass. I felt like I was better than everyone else driving by in their cars, those losers walking down the street. I could high kick you in the face! POW! I could race you down the street and probably win! ZAM! My resolve is better than yours. HIIIIII-YAH!
Maybe this is that "runner's high" everyone talks so much about.
I just had to chuckle at myself. Sometimes I am quite ridiculous. :-)
Although, I suppose anything that really gets you feeling good and proud of yourself isn't all bad, right?? I got some new exercise clothes the other day, needed a few more pairs of capris so that I could do laundry less often, and feel less badly about wearing "used" exercise clothes. (hey, if I'm just running, alone, outside, I can stink as much as I want! So THERE!) The funny thing about exercise clothes is that the sizing is akin to that in a bridal shop. The sizes mean nothing. They are definitely "off". I picked up a couple pairs of capri length pants and didn't bother to try them on. I had already visited the fitting room at TJ Maxx and wasn't interested in doing it again. So I get home, try them on and realize that they are a BIT more snug than she had hoped. Although, with a longer tshirt on, they are not inappropriate. Plus, from the back, my ass looks GOOD! ;-) And my thighs are starting to look muscular and athletic instead of just thundery. Wheeee!
I also feel quite badass with my "tricked out" shoes. I have my Nike+ sensor on one foot, and one of those shoe wallet thingys on the other. That makes me a real runner, right?? Although, as many Runner's World mags, and my new The Complete Guide of Running for Women book says...I'm a runner if I believe I'm a runner. And goddamnit...I'm a runner! Sure, I'm not a long distance runner. Not really sure if I ever will be. Right now, just getting to 3 miles sometimes is a bit difficult. It's not the motivation, it's the physicality. My knees sometimes hurt while I'm running and I need to stop and walk it out for a bit. Not a big deal. But I would really like to run the entire 5K I'm training for. (I certainly won't see it as a failure if I have to walk though. Just that I'm DOING it is victory enough, I think.)
What kind of rewards do you give yourself? As a kid, we'd be rewarded with an ice cream cone or cake. As an adult, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, it's hard NOT to reward yourself with food. And even now, I sometimes give in and say "Oh, i can have this because I worked out today". Dummy. The point is to work out to get ahead! Not to stay even! Blaaaaah! So, I've been attempting to find OTHER ways to reward myself to keep the motivation going. New clothes are ALWAYS a good motivator...especially as you get smaller and no longer fit into your clothes. iTunes giftcards have helped bust through some playlist drudgery. (I know it's time to switch things up on mine as I know exactly how far I've gone based on where I am in the music.) I also think it's important to reward yourself along the way, don't only give yourself a prize when you hit your goal. If you're like me, your goal could be pretty big. You don't want to lose that motivation and never receive any kind of personal rewards. I know people who set very rigid goals, and very rigid rewards to go with those goals. They make a list "At 15 lbs lost I will get a manicure. At 25 lbs lost I will buy a new dress. At 50 lbs lost I will get a puppy.", or whatever. I think it may work better if you treat yourself off and on when you feel the motivation waning. I mean, of course, the exercise and the eating better will become a treat in itself. but EVERYONE needs a little kick in the ass sometimes, a little self-esteem booster never hurts.
As I continue along my journey here, I am definitely gaining self-esteem as the days pass. But it's strange, mentally, I am still that same girl. I "forget" that I can wear a smaller size now. And then it clicks back in and I'm like, "Oh yeah, I DID do this." And then I try to fight those feelings of being SO PROUD of myself. I don't want to be seen as vain. I don't want to come off as arrogant. But goddamnit, I did this! I've done it all on my own! AAAAHHHH!!!! And I sometimes want to tell EVERYONE I see. A lot of people have no idea, even people I see everyday. I suppose as the days and months pass, you see some people everyday, and you look the same. But how the hell can't you tell?! I'm finally starting to actually SEE the difference in the mirror. It's quite exciting. But I think the real telling factor is when you look at my Minerva pics or some older pics on Facebook and then look at me now. WHOA. Stung by bees, friends. That's what it looks like. (Need to get new headshots soon, too. I don't look like mine anymore. *Sigh*) But I suppose that's the biggest reward yet...new headshots. And maybe I'll stop being passed over, or stop getting the sidekick roles. We'll see. ;-)
Reward yourself. Feel proud. Share your accomplishments. Don't worry, the people who care about you will realize that you aren't bragging (at least not in a snobby kind of way), they will be happy to hear about your successes. Success breeds success. Let's be good examples for each other.
I walked up the hill towards my apartment, the Big Ball of Fire trying to peek out from the lovely blanket of gray that had held it at bay for the duration of my run. And I felt as though I had just won a battle. That I was emerging victorious, the lone survivor. The dark ring of sweat around the neck of my Quik Bunny tshirt. The condensation on outside of my hot pink Camelbak water bottle. The droplets of sweat sliding off of my brow. And I walked up that hill, head slightly down, looking up from under my eyebrows, probably with a bit of a scowl/smirk on my face. At that moment, I was badass. I felt like I was better than everyone else driving by in their cars, those losers walking down the street. I could high kick you in the face! POW! I could race you down the street and probably win! ZAM! My resolve is better than yours. HIIIIII-YAH!
Maybe this is that "runner's high" everyone talks so much about.
I just had to chuckle at myself. Sometimes I am quite ridiculous. :-)
Although, I suppose anything that really gets you feeling good and proud of yourself isn't all bad, right?? I got some new exercise clothes the other day, needed a few more pairs of capris so that I could do laundry less often, and feel less badly about wearing "used" exercise clothes. (hey, if I'm just running, alone, outside, I can stink as much as I want! So THERE!) The funny thing about exercise clothes is that the sizing is akin to that in a bridal shop. The sizes mean nothing. They are definitely "off". I picked up a couple pairs of capri length pants and didn't bother to try them on. I had already visited the fitting room at TJ Maxx and wasn't interested in doing it again. So I get home, try them on and realize that they are a BIT more snug than she had hoped. Although, with a longer tshirt on, they are not inappropriate. Plus, from the back, my ass looks GOOD! ;-) And my thighs are starting to look muscular and athletic instead of just thundery. Wheeee!
I also feel quite badass with my "tricked out" shoes. I have my Nike+ sensor on one foot, and one of those shoe wallet thingys on the other. That makes me a real runner, right?? Although, as many Runner's World mags, and my new The Complete Guide of Running for Women book says...I'm a runner if I believe I'm a runner. And goddamnit...I'm a runner! Sure, I'm not a long distance runner. Not really sure if I ever will be. Right now, just getting to 3 miles sometimes is a bit difficult. It's not the motivation, it's the physicality. My knees sometimes hurt while I'm running and I need to stop and walk it out for a bit. Not a big deal. But I would really like to run the entire 5K I'm training for. (I certainly won't see it as a failure if I have to walk though. Just that I'm DOING it is victory enough, I think.)
What kind of rewards do you give yourself? As a kid, we'd be rewarded with an ice cream cone or cake. As an adult, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, it's hard NOT to reward yourself with food. And even now, I sometimes give in and say "Oh, i can have this because I worked out today". Dummy. The point is to work out to get ahead! Not to stay even! Blaaaaah! So, I've been attempting to find OTHER ways to reward myself to keep the motivation going. New clothes are ALWAYS a good motivator...especially as you get smaller and no longer fit into your clothes. iTunes giftcards have helped bust through some playlist drudgery. (I know it's time to switch things up on mine as I know exactly how far I've gone based on where I am in the music.) I also think it's important to reward yourself along the way, don't only give yourself a prize when you hit your goal. If you're like me, your goal could be pretty big. You don't want to lose that motivation and never receive any kind of personal rewards. I know people who set very rigid goals, and very rigid rewards to go with those goals. They make a list "At 15 lbs lost I will get a manicure. At 25 lbs lost I will buy a new dress. At 50 lbs lost I will get a puppy.", or whatever. I think it may work better if you treat yourself off and on when you feel the motivation waning. I mean, of course, the exercise and the eating better will become a treat in itself. but EVERYONE needs a little kick in the ass sometimes, a little self-esteem booster never hurts.
As I continue along my journey here, I am definitely gaining self-esteem as the days pass. But it's strange, mentally, I am still that same girl. I "forget" that I can wear a smaller size now. And then it clicks back in and I'm like, "Oh yeah, I DID do this." And then I try to fight those feelings of being SO PROUD of myself. I don't want to be seen as vain. I don't want to come off as arrogant. But goddamnit, I did this! I've done it all on my own! AAAAHHHH!!!! And I sometimes want to tell EVERYONE I see. A lot of people have no idea, even people I see everyday. I suppose as the days and months pass, you see some people everyday, and you look the same. But how the hell can't you tell?! I'm finally starting to actually SEE the difference in the mirror. It's quite exciting. But I think the real telling factor is when you look at my Minerva pics or some older pics on Facebook and then look at me now. WHOA. Stung by bees, friends. That's what it looks like. (Need to get new headshots soon, too. I don't look like mine anymore. *Sigh*) But I suppose that's the biggest reward yet...new headshots. And maybe I'll stop being passed over, or stop getting the sidekick roles. We'll see. ;-)
Reward yourself. Feel proud. Share your accomplishments. Don't worry, the people who care about you will realize that you aren't bragging (at least not in a snobby kind of way), they will be happy to hear about your successes. Success breeds success. Let's be good examples for each other.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Struggles
“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” - Frederick Douglass
“Life has meaning only in the struggle. Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods. So let us celebrate the struggle!” -Swami Sivananda
“Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step
to the summit.” -Diane Westlake
What are your struggles? When do you struggle the most? Life is one giant struggle. If your life is running so smoothly that you never have to worry about anything, I congratulate you. For most of us, our days are filled with decisions that may ultimately affect our well-being. Big decisions like "Should I go to work today?"...small decisions like "Should I eat that bagel?". We are confronted with many choices along the way. Life is one big Choose Your Own Adventure Novel.
I decided to open today's entry with some wise sounding quotes. Finding inspiration is important, and I feel like these quotes will help. Losing weight and committing to a healthy lifestyle are difficult endeavors. Struggling is a natural part of that daily commitment. People commend me on my progress, but don't realize that every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of success versus failure. I know I shouldn't have that latte, but it looks so good. I know I shouldn't waste my time on that bread, but damn it, I want it! Eater's remorse inevitably follows, leaving me to figure out how I will "right the ship" next time around. I know I'm not the only one who has these problems. But we all need to figure out how to combat the temptation, slay our demons, and to stop letting food run our lives. You are stronger than that candy bar. The world won't end if you don't eat that bag of trail mix. The junk will still be there tomorrow. (Unfortunately for us, I don't see the processed wasteland that our grocery stores have become getting rid of any of that stuff anytime soon.)
I do my best to stay away from certain things, because I know I have little or no power over them. Soda, for instance, is probably my biggest weakness. I have not had soda since September 21st, 2009. I may or may not still like the syrupy sweetness, as my tastes have changed quite a bit. BUT, I am fearful of even baiting the sugar dragon that lives inside of me. I'm afraid that even if I have one sip, that will lead to one glass, to one bottle, to months of hard work down the drain. I choose not to touch it. Almost as an alcoholic stays away from liquor, but I understand that the parallels I am drawing are certainly pretty shaky. Soda will not ruin lives...although, if you believe the doctors, it will. I am quite certain that soda is one of the reasons why I was/am obese/overweight. I definitely drank more soda than water in my 31 years on this earth. But I knew if I was going to succeed, I needed to flush it out of my life. Seltzer with lime, or a flavored Polar seltzer, fills the void quite nicely. I get the fizzy excitement, without the sugar/caffeine overload. But I wonder, am I still powerless over it's sweet intoxication? I am afraid that at this point, I won't be finding out any time soon. I will continue to avoid the beast. I may look it in the eye, but then I remember how strong I am now, and how I can live another day without it. I've made it this long, what's another day?
Maybe for you, it's trail mix. Or cookies. Or Red Bulls. Or even cigarettes. You know it's bad for you, but you just can't stop yourself. I went cold turkey. And it worked. I drank nothing but water for 6-8 weeks, trying to make myself forget the taste. To reintroduce water to my body and hydrate it properly. Your body needs water to function properly. Give your body what it needs. It'll thank you for it.
For some of us, it doesn't necessarily lie within a single item, your struggle is a time struggle. You find an insatiable need to devour everything in sight between the hours of 4 and 6pm. Or maybe you're a late night binger. You've had dinner, but as you mindlessly zone out in front of the tv, your hand needs something to do, and boy, does that bag of Doritos look inviting! Before you know it, you've eaten the whole bag and your hands are stained an unnatural shade of orange. You feel sick. You feel guilty. But does that stop you? I don't know. Will it? Remember how you feel. Remember what happens AFTER you eat that crap. How does your body react? Maybe the sensations you get will remind you to treat yourself better next time.
Maybe your struggle is one within your own mind. Perhaps you compulsively weigh yourself, 2-3 times a day (or more), and you "reward" yourself when the numbers make you happy, and "punish" yourself when they don't. Maybe you won't eat for a day or two to make up for it. Or maybe you'll try something a little more hurtful, like throwing up. Eating disorders are no joke. I am lucky that I never developed one. I know a few people who aren't that lucky. If this is you, please, find someone to talk to, a professional. Get the help you need, and deserve. No one needs to live that way. The fear of death should be stronger than the fear of gaining a few pounds. But again, I am not a doctor, nor am I a licensed therapist. I do not understand the deep workings of the mind in this capacity. I can only hope that if you've made that first step to admit (even just to yourself) that you have a problem, that you will reach out for help. You are worth it.
Struggles come in all shapes and sizes, just like us. I'd be willing to bet that if you mentioned YOUR struggle to someone close to you, you'd find that they have a similar one, or they could perhaps shed some light on how to combat that struggle. Don't go at it alone. Shutting yourself down and trying to deal with EVERYTHING on your own won't help the situation. Talking it out helps. Do it, talk it out, and then tell me how you feel. You may feel like no one wants to listen to your problems, or you don't want to seem like you're complaining. You're not. You're expressing yourself, you're venting, you're releasing tension and hopefully cultivating deeper, more meaningful relationships in the process. Not all of us can afford to see professionals, but many of us are pretty good listeners.
Lend an ear, you never know when you might need one in return.
“Life has meaning only in the struggle. Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods. So let us celebrate the struggle!” -Swami Sivananda
“Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step
to the summit.” -Diane Westlake
What are your struggles? When do you struggle the most? Life is one giant struggle. If your life is running so smoothly that you never have to worry about anything, I congratulate you. For most of us, our days are filled with decisions that may ultimately affect our well-being. Big decisions like "Should I go to work today?"...small decisions like "Should I eat that bagel?". We are confronted with many choices along the way. Life is one big Choose Your Own Adventure Novel.
I decided to open today's entry with some wise sounding quotes. Finding inspiration is important, and I feel like these quotes will help. Losing weight and committing to a healthy lifestyle are difficult endeavors. Struggling is a natural part of that daily commitment. People commend me on my progress, but don't realize that every minute of every day is filled with thoughts of success versus failure. I know I shouldn't have that latte, but it looks so good. I know I shouldn't waste my time on that bread, but damn it, I want it! Eater's remorse inevitably follows, leaving me to figure out how I will "right the ship" next time around. I know I'm not the only one who has these problems. But we all need to figure out how to combat the temptation, slay our demons, and to stop letting food run our lives. You are stronger than that candy bar. The world won't end if you don't eat that bag of trail mix. The junk will still be there tomorrow. (Unfortunately for us, I don't see the processed wasteland that our grocery stores have become getting rid of any of that stuff anytime soon.)
I do my best to stay away from certain things, because I know I have little or no power over them. Soda, for instance, is probably my biggest weakness. I have not had soda since September 21st, 2009. I may or may not still like the syrupy sweetness, as my tastes have changed quite a bit. BUT, I am fearful of even baiting the sugar dragon that lives inside of me. I'm afraid that even if I have one sip, that will lead to one glass, to one bottle, to months of hard work down the drain. I choose not to touch it. Almost as an alcoholic stays away from liquor, but I understand that the parallels I am drawing are certainly pretty shaky. Soda will not ruin lives...although, if you believe the doctors, it will. I am quite certain that soda is one of the reasons why I was/am obese/overweight. I definitely drank more soda than water in my 31 years on this earth. But I knew if I was going to succeed, I needed to flush it out of my life. Seltzer with lime, or a flavored Polar seltzer, fills the void quite nicely. I get the fizzy excitement, without the sugar/caffeine overload. But I wonder, am I still powerless over it's sweet intoxication? I am afraid that at this point, I won't be finding out any time soon. I will continue to avoid the beast. I may look it in the eye, but then I remember how strong I am now, and how I can live another day without it. I've made it this long, what's another day?
Maybe for you, it's trail mix. Or cookies. Or Red Bulls. Or even cigarettes. You know it's bad for you, but you just can't stop yourself. I went cold turkey. And it worked. I drank nothing but water for 6-8 weeks, trying to make myself forget the taste. To reintroduce water to my body and hydrate it properly. Your body needs water to function properly. Give your body what it needs. It'll thank you for it.
For some of us, it doesn't necessarily lie within a single item, your struggle is a time struggle. You find an insatiable need to devour everything in sight between the hours of 4 and 6pm. Or maybe you're a late night binger. You've had dinner, but as you mindlessly zone out in front of the tv, your hand needs something to do, and boy, does that bag of Doritos look inviting! Before you know it, you've eaten the whole bag and your hands are stained an unnatural shade of orange. You feel sick. You feel guilty. But does that stop you? I don't know. Will it? Remember how you feel. Remember what happens AFTER you eat that crap. How does your body react? Maybe the sensations you get will remind you to treat yourself better next time.
Maybe your struggle is one within your own mind. Perhaps you compulsively weigh yourself, 2-3 times a day (or more), and you "reward" yourself when the numbers make you happy, and "punish" yourself when they don't. Maybe you won't eat for a day or two to make up for it. Or maybe you'll try something a little more hurtful, like throwing up. Eating disorders are no joke. I am lucky that I never developed one. I know a few people who aren't that lucky. If this is you, please, find someone to talk to, a professional. Get the help you need, and deserve. No one needs to live that way. The fear of death should be stronger than the fear of gaining a few pounds. But again, I am not a doctor, nor am I a licensed therapist. I do not understand the deep workings of the mind in this capacity. I can only hope that if you've made that first step to admit (even just to yourself) that you have a problem, that you will reach out for help. You are worth it.
Struggles come in all shapes and sizes, just like us. I'd be willing to bet that if you mentioned YOUR struggle to someone close to you, you'd find that they have a similar one, or they could perhaps shed some light on how to combat that struggle. Don't go at it alone. Shutting yourself down and trying to deal with EVERYTHING on your own won't help the situation. Talking it out helps. Do it, talk it out, and then tell me how you feel. You may feel like no one wants to listen to your problems, or you don't want to seem like you're complaining. You're not. You're expressing yourself, you're venting, you're releasing tension and hopefully cultivating deeper, more meaningful relationships in the process. Not all of us can afford to see professionals, but many of us are pretty good listeners.
Lend an ear, you never know when you might need one in return.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The day the music died.
As I'm now such an accomplished runner, I've been devouring back issues of Runner's World, courtesy of the lovely Elizabeth. One of the articles I read the other day was about running without an iPod stuffed in your ears. I decided that today would be that day for me. I'd give it a whirl. I needed to recalibrate my Nike+, so I decided to take advantage of using the Tufts' track. I woke up without hassle at 8am, on a Sunday, to go on my 3 mile run. (5K training) Woke up and heard the birdies singing, inviting me out to run. I stuck my arm out the window, feeling the "cool" air, I was psyched. It's been too goddamn hot lately. But, of course, the air was only cool compared to the stifling humidity trapped in the convection oven that I choose to call "home". I get outside and realize that it's a bit warm already, and it's only 8am. Awesome. I do a nice warm-up walk over to Tufts, about 10-15 min walk. Breathing deeply, enjoying the odd silence on a sunny, summer's morn. It was then that I decided that I would try to run today without any music blaring in my ear. No Toto. No Black Eyed Peas. No U2. I was hoping they'd understand that I wasn't abandoning them, just wanted to see if I could do it on my own.
I got over to the track, recalibrated my Nike+, realized that the track is a smidge longer than .25 miles, and started on my run. I was contemplating doing part of it on the track, then hitting the neighborhood. But I enjoyed the spongy feel of the track, and didn't completely mind running in circles. What I did mind was that the Big Ball of Fire was already out, unleashing it's smoldering death on me. Trying to beat me down. Trying to make me stop. Luckily for me, less than 1/4 of the track had a bit of shade. I rewarded myself by taking my little walk/water breaks in that shade. And I don't think it was a coincidence that when I was halfway around in the fiery domain that a fantastic breeze would kick up, propelling me back to the shady goodness awaiting. I did the 3 miles in 35 minutes, but I did walk a bit during each lap, not wanting to overdo it, wanting to save myself from passing out under the Big Ball of Fire's unforgiving stare, and also letting my knees rest a bit. (31 years of carrying around too much weight probably has put some strain on them, running makes them hurt a bit. Not stabby pains, just a general aching. Go home and put a bag of frozen peas on them. Yay.)
As I ran around the burnt sienna colored track (remember that crayon?), I was listening to my breathing, hearing my feet hitting the ground, and wondering when did I become a runner? I believe that I'm a runner. Does that count? I may not be the fastest, but I'm definitely into it. Watching the other people, all shapes, sizes and ability levels, chasing their own goals around that track this morning made me want to stop and high five them all. I wanted to stop and talk to them and ask them why they're doing this. I thought about how this one guy was passing by me in the opposite direction and how I felt like I was at the same pace but wondered if he was lapping me. Seeing the girl doing lunges in the grass. The girl in those weird little finger shoes. You know what I'm talking about. They're like "toe socks", but shoes. They look weird as hell, but are apparently very comfy for running. (I just hope they're not the new "Crocs". Don't start wearing them as shoes, people. There is nothing fashionable about creepy finger shoes.) Watching the walking group of middle aged ladies chatting it up. The dad and the 2 little kids that came to meet mom at the track. All chasing a goal. Be healthy. Have fun. Whatever.
And before it knew it, the 3 miles was done. No music. Just me.
I think I may take Runner's World's advice, do a run without music at least once every three runs. I've come to rely on my music to tell me how far I've gone, which is another reason why I change up my playlist a lot. I know that by the time "Africa" by Toto, my 2nd song, is over, I'm ALMOST done my first mile. Sure, I was checking my status on my iPod, and yes, i was running on a track, but definitely stopped counting laps and just kept swimming. Well...running. But Dori said "just keep swimming", and that's what I did.
A few Random (and possibly deep) thoughts:
1. I am excited for the day that my boobs will stick out farther than my stomach...and it won't be long now. I noticed this as I walked by the store windows in Ball Square. If I suck in enough, it totally happens. I'm becoming quite the hot ticket.
2. The sheen of my SPF 50 spray-on sunscreen on my arms, mixed with the sweat of a good workout, is pretty cool.
3. The Big Ball of Fire can be friend or foe. It may lure you outside, but then quickly turn on you. Don't let it get you down. Fight back with high level SPF and water. You may never put out the Big Ball of Fire, but you can certainly hang in a few more rounds.
4. I saw a sticker on a light post on the way home from the track. It said "how much of it is up to me?". Exactly. All of it is up to me. I can rely on others to help me. I can rely on them to support me. I can look to others for inspiration. But they will not be there to get me out of bed. They won't be there to push through the mental blocks. Ultimately, this is ALL up to me. And that's okay.
I got over to the track, recalibrated my Nike+, realized that the track is a smidge longer than .25 miles, and started on my run. I was contemplating doing part of it on the track, then hitting the neighborhood. But I enjoyed the spongy feel of the track, and didn't completely mind running in circles. What I did mind was that the Big Ball of Fire was already out, unleashing it's smoldering death on me. Trying to beat me down. Trying to make me stop. Luckily for me, less than 1/4 of the track had a bit of shade. I rewarded myself by taking my little walk/water breaks in that shade. And I don't think it was a coincidence that when I was halfway around in the fiery domain that a fantastic breeze would kick up, propelling me back to the shady goodness awaiting. I did the 3 miles in 35 minutes, but I did walk a bit during each lap, not wanting to overdo it, wanting to save myself from passing out under the Big Ball of Fire's unforgiving stare, and also letting my knees rest a bit. (31 years of carrying around too much weight probably has put some strain on them, running makes them hurt a bit. Not stabby pains, just a general aching. Go home and put a bag of frozen peas on them. Yay.)
As I ran around the burnt sienna colored track (remember that crayon?), I was listening to my breathing, hearing my feet hitting the ground, and wondering when did I become a runner? I believe that I'm a runner. Does that count? I may not be the fastest, but I'm definitely into it. Watching the other people, all shapes, sizes and ability levels, chasing their own goals around that track this morning made me want to stop and high five them all. I wanted to stop and talk to them and ask them why they're doing this. I thought about how this one guy was passing by me in the opposite direction and how I felt like I was at the same pace but wondered if he was lapping me. Seeing the girl doing lunges in the grass. The girl in those weird little finger shoes. You know what I'm talking about. They're like "toe socks", but shoes. They look weird as hell, but are apparently very comfy for running. (I just hope they're not the new "Crocs". Don't start wearing them as shoes, people. There is nothing fashionable about creepy finger shoes.) Watching the walking group of middle aged ladies chatting it up. The dad and the 2 little kids that came to meet mom at the track. All chasing a goal. Be healthy. Have fun. Whatever.
And before it knew it, the 3 miles was done. No music. Just me.
I think I may take Runner's World's advice, do a run without music at least once every three runs. I've come to rely on my music to tell me how far I've gone, which is another reason why I change up my playlist a lot. I know that by the time "Africa" by Toto, my 2nd song, is over, I'm ALMOST done my first mile. Sure, I was checking my status on my iPod, and yes, i was running on a track, but definitely stopped counting laps and just kept swimming. Well...running. But Dori said "just keep swimming", and that's what I did.
A few Random (and possibly deep) thoughts:
1. I am excited for the day that my boobs will stick out farther than my stomach...and it won't be long now. I noticed this as I walked by the store windows in Ball Square. If I suck in enough, it totally happens. I'm becoming quite the hot ticket.
2. The sheen of my SPF 50 spray-on sunscreen on my arms, mixed with the sweat of a good workout, is pretty cool.
3. The Big Ball of Fire can be friend or foe. It may lure you outside, but then quickly turn on you. Don't let it get you down. Fight back with high level SPF and water. You may never put out the Big Ball of Fire, but you can certainly hang in a few more rounds.
4. I saw a sticker on a light post on the way home from the track. It said "how much of it is up to me?". Exactly. All of it is up to me. I can rely on others to help me. I can rely on them to support me. I can look to others for inspiration. But they will not be there to get me out of bed. They won't be there to push through the mental blocks. Ultimately, this is ALL up to me. And that's okay.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Baby steps
Hello friends! I have returned! (Thank you, thank you. *bows*) It's been a rough, sweaty week, folks. As I'm sure most of you can attest to. It's been tough getting in a daily workout when you feel like you're overheated constantly anyway. Some of you are probably lucky enough to work in meat-locker-type offices in which you have to wear a sweater and complain 'round the old water cooler about how chilly you are. SOME of us work in an "air-conditioned" palace with doors constantly opening and closing as hot, sweaty, angry people come flooding in looking for relief in the form of iced beverages. Yes, it truly is as delightful as it sounds. SO, let's just say that after working 7 or 8 hours in a humid, indoor location, the last thing you want to do is head to the gym. BUT, fear not, dear readers, I did it. I dragged my sorry ass over to gym Monday, Tues, AND Wed. I do admit that Wed was a complete waste, but that time I had little to no energy left. You know it's bad when you "reward" yourself by laying on the mats and do crunches. (At one point I felt like I had been laying still for so long that someone would come over and check on me..."Umm...ma'am? Are you okay? Uhhh...I think she's dead." (Yes, it's true. I get "ma'am"ed all the time. *sigh* So sad.) But even though I felt like I didn't do much, I still did way more than I would have a year ago. What a difference a year makes. When the going gets tough, I think of how far I've come and how much I've changed. The strides that I've made, both literally and figuratively, keep me motivated to continue on this path to amazingness.
Speaking of motivation, I even got out of bed this morning (on one of my "sleep-in" mornings) to go for a run before it got too hot. (Elizabeth, my dear friend and quasi-personal-trainer-in-training, made it emphatically clear that I was NOT allowed to run outside this week unless it was early in the morning. So I heeded her warning.) But if you are a gym-goer or a runner at all, you may realize that once you start running outside, it's VERY difficult to recreate the magic on a treadmill. And by magic, I just mean the sense of actually going somewhere. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to watch TV. Those of you who know me, KNOW how much I love TV. (Probably another reason why my ass was so big...) My program of choice on the treadmill is definitely Sportscenter on ESPN. I listen to music while reading Sportscenter, soaking up my sports knowledge. But even that isn't cutting it anymore. I get impatient. After about 5 minutes I'm ready to be done. And as I'm up to about 30 min of running now, it's hard to want to stay on that treadmill. So, I sacrificed some precious sleep (one of my favorite things) to get in a run (now ALSO one of my favorite things). There was a decent breeze, not too hot, and not too humid. I'm glad I went. It was clearly a good choice for the day.
As I go through this journey I realize that life is full of choices, both big and small, and that a bunch of good, small choices will lead to a much fuller life. Sure, we all have very big decisions to make, but those don't come around as often as these little ones. "Hmmm what to have for lunch today? Giant tower of onion rings? Or a nice grilled chicken salad?" A journey like this can be quite daunting. When I started and I declared that I would lose 100 lbs, I thought I was crazy. I thought "There's NO WAY in hell that you're going to be able to do this." But as I went along, it was the choice to go to the gym. The choice to work out just a few minutes longer. To try running. To eat a better breakfast. To stop eating crappy pastries from a certain place I work. To quit drinking soda. And here I am, 20 lbs from my first goal. All because of the choices I've made. Perfection is impossible. And besides, perfection is boring, and I'm sure, quite tiring. I do my best, and sometimes, less than my best, but my current best is certainly lightyears from where my previous best was. I'm okay with striving to be better. Just like Dr. Leo Marvin said...Baby steps to a new me.
I know, the idea of baby stepping ANYWHERE is obnoxious and frustrating. It'll take too damn long. I want it NOW. NOW. NOW. We live in a wonderful world of instant gratification. It's hard to want to WORK for anything. We want the weight gone NOW. Fix me NOW. Probably why plastic surgery is so commonplace in our society. Sure, if I could get out my Dirt Devil and suck out my fat, I probably would have tried it by now. BUT, I do know that as tough as it's been, it's also been quite satisfying seeing my hard work pay off. I find it hard to believe, every time that I step on that scale, that the numbers are actually going down. I have to try on multiple sizes in stores because I just can't believe that I'm wearing the size I'm wearing. The fact that I purchased some Women's Size L shirts in Old navy a few weeks ago shocked the HELL out of me. For most of my life, I could only shop in stores that carried "Women's" or "Plus" size clothes, like Lane Bryant.
Back in the day, the 90's, Lane Bryant was code for "Here's a muu-muu, you fat cow". I remember trying to go in there as a self-conscious teenager and try to find something to wear that wouldn't make me look like I was a 65 year old woman on a cruise ship. Unfortunately, no dice. So I did what any respectable young girl would do...I wore men's clothes. I don't really remember where I got my jeans at (probably Sears), but I wore a general uniform of T-shirts and plaid shirts from Old Navy and Pacific Sunwear with my navy blue Chuck Taylors and thought I was "cute". By the time I was a senior, I didn't really care anymore. Just "tom-boyed" my way through the day, secretly wishing that I could dress like the thin girls in my class. At least nowadays, it's a little easier for women of size to dress their age. I do recall while in college, discovering that Lane Bryant had changed it's look and now made clothes for my age range. It was at that point that I embraced the fact that yes, I was, in fact, a woman. And that I should start dressing like one. I was quite proud of the fact that I could look good at my size. You see WAY too many big girls dressing in clothes that they have no business wearing. (Mini skirts? Leggings? Come on, now.) I'm all about trying to look sexy, but put some clothes on. That's way sexier than running around half naked. (Ahem, ladies of ANY size. Don't be a whore.) But that's a blog for another time. But as I start changing, I can shop in stores that I've never been in. Weird.
The day will come (soon, and could be now, just haven't tried yet) when I can finally shop in Victoria's Secret. Not sure if I can actually AFFORD it, but it'll be a triumph to walk through those doors and not just buy some lotion. And it'll also be a weird day when I can no longer actually wear clothes from Lane Bryant. I'm in their smallest size now, and some of their tops are too long and blousy for me right now. But in my mind, I still see myself in my old size. Like I said, I have to take multiple sizes into the dressing room just to confirm that I am the size the tag says on the shirt on my back. I suppose when you're defined by your size, or you define yourself that way, for so long, it's hard to change that mindset so quickly. I imagine that the "fat girl" inside will probably never go away. She'll always be there, lurking. Waiting to make an appearance. Waiting to knock down my self-esteem. But this new me has to be ready to smash her. In the immortal words of Charlie Kelly, I will smash her face into a jelly.
Or maybe just punch her in the throat.
Speaking of motivation, I even got out of bed this morning (on one of my "sleep-in" mornings) to go for a run before it got too hot. (Elizabeth, my dear friend and quasi-personal-trainer-in-training, made it emphatically clear that I was NOT allowed to run outside this week unless it was early in the morning. So I heeded her warning.) But if you are a gym-goer or a runner at all, you may realize that once you start running outside, it's VERY difficult to recreate the magic on a treadmill. And by magic, I just mean the sense of actually going somewhere. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to watch TV. Those of you who know me, KNOW how much I love TV. (Probably another reason why my ass was so big...) My program of choice on the treadmill is definitely Sportscenter on ESPN. I listen to music while reading Sportscenter, soaking up my sports knowledge. But even that isn't cutting it anymore. I get impatient. After about 5 minutes I'm ready to be done. And as I'm up to about 30 min of running now, it's hard to want to stay on that treadmill. So, I sacrificed some precious sleep (one of my favorite things) to get in a run (now ALSO one of my favorite things). There was a decent breeze, not too hot, and not too humid. I'm glad I went. It was clearly a good choice for the day.
As I go through this journey I realize that life is full of choices, both big and small, and that a bunch of good, small choices will lead to a much fuller life. Sure, we all have very big decisions to make, but those don't come around as often as these little ones. "Hmmm what to have for lunch today? Giant tower of onion rings? Or a nice grilled chicken salad?" A journey like this can be quite daunting. When I started and I declared that I would lose 100 lbs, I thought I was crazy. I thought "There's NO WAY in hell that you're going to be able to do this." But as I went along, it was the choice to go to the gym. The choice to work out just a few minutes longer. To try running. To eat a better breakfast. To stop eating crappy pastries from a certain place I work. To quit drinking soda. And here I am, 20 lbs from my first goal. All because of the choices I've made. Perfection is impossible. And besides, perfection is boring, and I'm sure, quite tiring. I do my best, and sometimes, less than my best, but my current best is certainly lightyears from where my previous best was. I'm okay with striving to be better. Just like Dr. Leo Marvin said...Baby steps to a new me.
I know, the idea of baby stepping ANYWHERE is obnoxious and frustrating. It'll take too damn long. I want it NOW. NOW. NOW. We live in a wonderful world of instant gratification. It's hard to want to WORK for anything. We want the weight gone NOW. Fix me NOW. Probably why plastic surgery is so commonplace in our society. Sure, if I could get out my Dirt Devil and suck out my fat, I probably would have tried it by now. BUT, I do know that as tough as it's been, it's also been quite satisfying seeing my hard work pay off. I find it hard to believe, every time that I step on that scale, that the numbers are actually going down. I have to try on multiple sizes in stores because I just can't believe that I'm wearing the size I'm wearing. The fact that I purchased some Women's Size L shirts in Old navy a few weeks ago shocked the HELL out of me. For most of my life, I could only shop in stores that carried "Women's" or "Plus" size clothes, like Lane Bryant.
Back in the day, the 90's, Lane Bryant was code for "Here's a muu-muu, you fat cow". I remember trying to go in there as a self-conscious teenager and try to find something to wear that wouldn't make me look like I was a 65 year old woman on a cruise ship. Unfortunately, no dice. So I did what any respectable young girl would do...I wore men's clothes. I don't really remember where I got my jeans at (probably Sears), but I wore a general uniform of T-shirts and plaid shirts from Old Navy and Pacific Sunwear with my navy blue Chuck Taylors and thought I was "cute". By the time I was a senior, I didn't really care anymore. Just "tom-boyed" my way through the day, secretly wishing that I could dress like the thin girls in my class. At least nowadays, it's a little easier for women of size to dress their age. I do recall while in college, discovering that Lane Bryant had changed it's look and now made clothes for my age range. It was at that point that I embraced the fact that yes, I was, in fact, a woman. And that I should start dressing like one. I was quite proud of the fact that I could look good at my size. You see WAY too many big girls dressing in clothes that they have no business wearing. (Mini skirts? Leggings? Come on, now.) I'm all about trying to look sexy, but put some clothes on. That's way sexier than running around half naked. (Ahem, ladies of ANY size. Don't be a whore.) But that's a blog for another time. But as I start changing, I can shop in stores that I've never been in. Weird.
The day will come (soon, and could be now, just haven't tried yet) when I can finally shop in Victoria's Secret. Not sure if I can actually AFFORD it, but it'll be a triumph to walk through those doors and not just buy some lotion. And it'll also be a weird day when I can no longer actually wear clothes from Lane Bryant. I'm in their smallest size now, and some of their tops are too long and blousy for me right now. But in my mind, I still see myself in my old size. Like I said, I have to take multiple sizes into the dressing room just to confirm that I am the size the tag says on the shirt on my back. I suppose when you're defined by your size, or you define yourself that way, for so long, it's hard to change that mindset so quickly. I imagine that the "fat girl" inside will probably never go away. She'll always be there, lurking. Waiting to make an appearance. Waiting to knock down my self-esteem. But this new me has to be ready to smash her. In the immortal words of Charlie Kelly, I will smash her face into a jelly.
Or maybe just punch her in the throat.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Fear not...
Fear not bloggedy blog readers. I have not abandoned you. It's been busy, it's been hot. You know how it goes. (Although, I will say that I'm not nearly as sweaty as I would have been 80 lbs ago, that's for sure! Hahaha.) I've been contemplating 2 different topics for my upcoming entry...the happiness (and the horrors) of clothes shopping, and grocery shopping. You'll probably get both at some point. You're welcome. ;-)
Friday, July 2, 2010
*cue Biggest Loser theme song*
What have you done today to make you feeeeeeeeeel Proud?!
Probably one of the worst songs ever...but it does evoke some enthusiasm and pride when I hear it. Like, "Yeah, I DID do something today to make myself feel good! Thanks, Biggest Loser!"
My gym is about a mile from my apartment, in Porter Square. My Sbux is in Davis Square, one T stop away from Porter. On the days that I work and then go to the gym, I routinely ride the T, it's quicker and gives me a chance to "rest" from work before working out. Yes, sometimes I feel badly about that, as it's about a 10 min walk. But whatever, I'm going to work out. And lately, I've been just running outside, not even going to the gym, but my 5k training thing suggested cross-training on other days. SO I decided to get my ass to the gym. On Fridays, I don't work at the Bux, so I usually sleep in, get some exercise in, hang out and go to Ghosts. So this morning, I decided to walk to the gym...but then decided to run to the gym. It was one mile. Then I finished the other mile on the treadmill to complete my 2 miles for today in the 5k trainer. Wheeee! I did some great exercises and then walked home. It is such a beautiful day outside that it makes me wish that I could physically run longer. Mentally, I could run for hours...my body gives out first. hahaha. (So instead, I'm sitting here at the computer regaling you all with tales of my day.)
Walking home, I also got to thinking...it's amazing what a difference a year makes. Last year, there is no way I would have willingly and enthusiastically walked that much in one day, especially with having Ghosts at night. The fresh air, the sunshine. I was enjoying the walk. Looking forward to what will surely be a beautiful night.
I'm sure a lot of you are like me and have suffered from low self-esteem for a good part of, if not your entire life. I learned how to deflect the insults and teasing by being funny or smart or good at something. I was always the overweight kid in school. And to add insult to injury, I was the first one to get braces in 4th grade. So, not only was I fat, I was also "tinsel teeth", "railroad tracks" and whatever else. It was tough. I went through middle school and high school trying to build up a thick skin in the normal classroom or the hallways, trying to avoid being a target of the beautiful people. But I was only myself when I was in the music classrooms, or the AP classes. When deciding on a college, I chose IUP because it was far away. I wanted to leave my high school persona behind and stop being who everyone thought I was. I came out of my shell in college, definitely discovered who I wanted to be, but was still hiding behind the weight. I never dated in college. Had a lot of crushes, but was always "the friend". I always blamed my weight, but it could have been my low self-esteem. Maybe people could see right through me and realized that I was sometimes faking my happiness. I moved to Boston for graduate school and on the first day of school, my voice teacher told me that I was too fat, would never get a singing job and that she never wanted to have this conversation again, so I should fix it. I started Weight Watchers At Home that week. I lived in fear. We all did. It was 2 years of mental abuse that I got through by having amazing friends all silently going through the same thing. But at that time, I wasn't ready to let myself succeed. I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it because someone told me I had to. I lost about 35 lbs. I felt good. I joined Match.com and started doing some online dating. (All the guys at school were gay or married...) And I was lucky enough to meet Andrew. He had a lot of these same struggles throughout his life, so we definitely connected there. He's been a big supporter of mine for the past 5 years, and has never ONCE said anything negative about how I looked. He always tells me that I'm beautiful. For awhile, I couldn't believe it. I never had anyone tell me that before. I thought he was lying. But to look into his eyes and see the sincerity, I knew he wasn't. Not saying that someone else saying those things is necessary for you to feel good about yourself, but it helps. We all know that with negative thoughts, the more you hear them, the more you tend to believe them. I'm thankful that I have him in my life. He has helped me see that love is possible for everyone, even if you NEVER thought it would come to you. (I believed that I would be single for the rest of my life...)
Life is tough. We all know that. Everyday presents new challenges. Family, friends, work, money, society, etc all create different demands on us. Dealing with those struggles will lead you to find solace in things...being it alcohol, food, exercise, gambling, drugs, etc. I was/am an emotional eater, and also a boredom eater. If I didn't have anything to do, I ate. If I was stressed, i ate. Happy, ate. Sad, ate. Depressed, ate. You get the picture. The food certainly wasn't going to make me feel good about myself, but in that moment, it was a comfort. Instead of searching for comfort from friends, family, a good book, I looked for it in food. I spent much of my life being unhappy with who I was, blaming others for my failures, not taking responsibility for my life. It is only now that through this journey that I am realizing how strong I really am, how I don't have to answer to anyone but myself, and that life was meant for living. I am lucky to have quite an amazing support system. All of you reading this right now are part of that support system. Reach out to people in your life. They will help you, maybe even people that you never expected will pop up and offer you support. Sometimes it's difficult to allow yourself to open up to others, you don't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable. But you should trust. It's such a wonderful feeling in this day and age of sarcasm and cynicism. In the end, we all want the same thing, love and support. If you need it, I'm here.
Probably one of the worst songs ever...but it does evoke some enthusiasm and pride when I hear it. Like, "Yeah, I DID do something today to make myself feel good! Thanks, Biggest Loser!"
My gym is about a mile from my apartment, in Porter Square. My Sbux is in Davis Square, one T stop away from Porter. On the days that I work and then go to the gym, I routinely ride the T, it's quicker and gives me a chance to "rest" from work before working out. Yes, sometimes I feel badly about that, as it's about a 10 min walk. But whatever, I'm going to work out. And lately, I've been just running outside, not even going to the gym, but my 5k training thing suggested cross-training on other days. SO I decided to get my ass to the gym. On Fridays, I don't work at the Bux, so I usually sleep in, get some exercise in, hang out and go to Ghosts. So this morning, I decided to walk to the gym...but then decided to run to the gym. It was one mile. Then I finished the other mile on the treadmill to complete my 2 miles for today in the 5k trainer. Wheeee! I did some great exercises and then walked home. It is such a beautiful day outside that it makes me wish that I could physically run longer. Mentally, I could run for hours...my body gives out first. hahaha. (So instead, I'm sitting here at the computer regaling you all with tales of my day.)
Walking home, I also got to thinking...it's amazing what a difference a year makes. Last year, there is no way I would have willingly and enthusiastically walked that much in one day, especially with having Ghosts at night. The fresh air, the sunshine. I was enjoying the walk. Looking forward to what will surely be a beautiful night.
I'm sure a lot of you are like me and have suffered from low self-esteem for a good part of, if not your entire life. I learned how to deflect the insults and teasing by being funny or smart or good at something. I was always the overweight kid in school. And to add insult to injury, I was the first one to get braces in 4th grade. So, not only was I fat, I was also "tinsel teeth", "railroad tracks" and whatever else. It was tough. I went through middle school and high school trying to build up a thick skin in the normal classroom or the hallways, trying to avoid being a target of the beautiful people. But I was only myself when I was in the music classrooms, or the AP classes. When deciding on a college, I chose IUP because it was far away. I wanted to leave my high school persona behind and stop being who everyone thought I was. I came out of my shell in college, definitely discovered who I wanted to be, but was still hiding behind the weight. I never dated in college. Had a lot of crushes, but was always "the friend". I always blamed my weight, but it could have been my low self-esteem. Maybe people could see right through me and realized that I was sometimes faking my happiness. I moved to Boston for graduate school and on the first day of school, my voice teacher told me that I was too fat, would never get a singing job and that she never wanted to have this conversation again, so I should fix it. I started Weight Watchers At Home that week. I lived in fear. We all did. It was 2 years of mental abuse that I got through by having amazing friends all silently going through the same thing. But at that time, I wasn't ready to let myself succeed. I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it because someone told me I had to. I lost about 35 lbs. I felt good. I joined Match.com and started doing some online dating. (All the guys at school were gay or married...) And I was lucky enough to meet Andrew. He had a lot of these same struggles throughout his life, so we definitely connected there. He's been a big supporter of mine for the past 5 years, and has never ONCE said anything negative about how I looked. He always tells me that I'm beautiful. For awhile, I couldn't believe it. I never had anyone tell me that before. I thought he was lying. But to look into his eyes and see the sincerity, I knew he wasn't. Not saying that someone else saying those things is necessary for you to feel good about yourself, but it helps. We all know that with negative thoughts, the more you hear them, the more you tend to believe them. I'm thankful that I have him in my life. He has helped me see that love is possible for everyone, even if you NEVER thought it would come to you. (I believed that I would be single for the rest of my life...)
Life is tough. We all know that. Everyday presents new challenges. Family, friends, work, money, society, etc all create different demands on us. Dealing with those struggles will lead you to find solace in things...being it alcohol, food, exercise, gambling, drugs, etc. I was/am an emotional eater, and also a boredom eater. If I didn't have anything to do, I ate. If I was stressed, i ate. Happy, ate. Sad, ate. Depressed, ate. You get the picture. The food certainly wasn't going to make me feel good about myself, but in that moment, it was a comfort. Instead of searching for comfort from friends, family, a good book, I looked for it in food. I spent much of my life being unhappy with who I was, blaming others for my failures, not taking responsibility for my life. It is only now that through this journey that I am realizing how strong I really am, how I don't have to answer to anyone but myself, and that life was meant for living. I am lucky to have quite an amazing support system. All of you reading this right now are part of that support system. Reach out to people in your life. They will help you, maybe even people that you never expected will pop up and offer you support. Sometimes it's difficult to allow yourself to open up to others, you don't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable. But you should trust. It's such a wonderful feeling in this day and age of sarcasm and cynicism. In the end, we all want the same thing, love and support. If you need it, I'm here.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Food, Glorious Food.
Food. It MUST be good if a Broadway musical starts out singing about it!
Food is both a curse and a blessing. I'd venture to guess that no one reading this blog has ever actually been truly starving. We all say it, "OMG I'm staaaaaarving!", but we live in a highly developed nation where food is readily available. Even if you have little to no cash, you can scrape enough together to get SOMETHING...or go raid the partner fridge at Sbux. Food used to be a reward for a hard earned victory, fighting off that saber-toothed tiger, trekking miles to get back to your cave. Nowadays, the biggest fight is which pizza joint to order from. Many of you out in readerland there may be like me and don't actually own a car. You MAY walk a lot and use public transportation. BUT, most of you have cars and the most walking you do is from the door to the car and the car to the door. Humans were designed to move...otherwise we probably wouldn't have legs. We were intended to hunt and gather...not sit on our fat asses staring at computer screens. (Ahhh cruel irony of blogging...)
It certainly doesn't help that the idea of food has become a business. Luckily, we are living in a time where people are actually starting to question what all of those chemicals are doing to our bodies. We are starting to move back to the basics, or at least towards more natural and organic products. Although, let's be clear here, organic doth not equal healthy all of the time. All of those products exclaiming "Fat free", "Non-fat", "Sugar Free", etc are merely filling those voids with sodium and other unpronounceable words. Speaking as someone who used to do all of her eating from boxes, it's easy to do. We live in a busy, busy society. No one has "the time" to cook, or to shop or to prepare a meal in a decent way to nourish your body and your mind. You hurry from one stop to the next, just trying to make it to tomorrow. You pick up convenience food and watch the pounds pile on. (Or, if you're lucky enough to be one of those folks who can eat anything, congrats...) Along my journey, I've learned how important it is to eat things that were growing, or had a mother. (I'm not a vegetarian, and never will be, sorry. To each his own.) Gradually learning to like vegetables as an adult has been quite an interesting process in itself. Growing up, my idea of veggies were iceberg lettuce, cucumbers and corn. That was it. I apparently ate a ton of carrots as a young kid, but couldn't bear to eat them as I got older. I am very excited to eat veggies nowadays, sure, not as often as I should. But THAT is part of my journey. I am refocusing and making veggies a higher priority. Like I said before, no one is perfect. :-)
As I've been going along my journey, I've found a good number of friends in many corners of my life who are also doing a similar thing. One of these friends said that she's doing her best to try to eat more food from plants, and not from the Plant. I would definitely suggest that you try to eat less processed foods and go for fresh. Your body will thank you for it! Trust me.
One of my lovely readers, a woman on her own journey, asked me to include a meal plan. I think that different things work for different people. I may start including recipes or food ideas, but I would suggest including as many veggies as possible. You'll definitely need some protein to keep you full, but only 4-5 oz perhaps. One of my latest crazes has been one of my pre-ghost dinners. (I'm a tour guide for a ghost tour in Boston...not much time for breaks and eating, gotta get enough energy beforehand.) I like to cook up peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli, basically whatever veggies are laying around in the fridge in a little bit of oil, add some chicken or turkey, maybe some teriyaki sauce if I'm really feeling adventurous. A yummy little stir-fry in less than 10 minutes...if the chix is precooked. I suppose while I'm handing out ideas, a favorite breakfast of mine right now is a cup of fruit (berries, oranges, or watermelon), topped with 1 cup of Stonyfield Plain Nonfat Yogurt, and a cup of granola. SO delicious and keeps me going for a few hours.
Eating can be trouble for many of us. Many of us eat, or don't eat, for reasons other than hunger. I have a hard time thinking of anyone I know who has a completely free and clear relationship with food. Who wasn't rewarded as a kid for "being good" with an ice cream cone? happy meal? Food became a prize. Or if you didn't have a lot to go around, you scarfed down as much as you could, so that you could get seconds before everyone else. We may not have a clearly identifiable eating disorder, but we are clearly disordered eaters. Everyone has their struggles. Everyone suffers silently. You are not alone. Don't let food run your life. Don't let food dictate how long that life will be. You deserve much better than that.
Food is both a curse and a blessing. I'd venture to guess that no one reading this blog has ever actually been truly starving. We all say it, "OMG I'm staaaaaarving!", but we live in a highly developed nation where food is readily available. Even if you have little to no cash, you can scrape enough together to get SOMETHING...or go raid the partner fridge at Sbux. Food used to be a reward for a hard earned victory, fighting off that saber-toothed tiger, trekking miles to get back to your cave. Nowadays, the biggest fight is which pizza joint to order from. Many of you out in readerland there may be like me and don't actually own a car. You MAY walk a lot and use public transportation. BUT, most of you have cars and the most walking you do is from the door to the car and the car to the door. Humans were designed to move...otherwise we probably wouldn't have legs. We were intended to hunt and gather...not sit on our fat asses staring at computer screens. (Ahhh cruel irony of blogging...)
It certainly doesn't help that the idea of food has become a business. Luckily, we are living in a time where people are actually starting to question what all of those chemicals are doing to our bodies. We are starting to move back to the basics, or at least towards more natural and organic products. Although, let's be clear here, organic doth not equal healthy all of the time. All of those products exclaiming "Fat free", "Non-fat", "Sugar Free", etc are merely filling those voids with sodium and other unpronounceable words. Speaking as someone who used to do all of her eating from boxes, it's easy to do. We live in a busy, busy society. No one has "the time" to cook, or to shop or to prepare a meal in a decent way to nourish your body and your mind. You hurry from one stop to the next, just trying to make it to tomorrow. You pick up convenience food and watch the pounds pile on. (Or, if you're lucky enough to be one of those folks who can eat anything, congrats...) Along my journey, I've learned how important it is to eat things that were growing, or had a mother. (I'm not a vegetarian, and never will be, sorry. To each his own.) Gradually learning to like vegetables as an adult has been quite an interesting process in itself. Growing up, my idea of veggies were iceberg lettuce, cucumbers and corn. That was it. I apparently ate a ton of carrots as a young kid, but couldn't bear to eat them as I got older. I am very excited to eat veggies nowadays, sure, not as often as I should. But THAT is part of my journey. I am refocusing and making veggies a higher priority. Like I said before, no one is perfect. :-)
As I've been going along my journey, I've found a good number of friends in many corners of my life who are also doing a similar thing. One of these friends said that she's doing her best to try to eat more food from plants, and not from the Plant. I would definitely suggest that you try to eat less processed foods and go for fresh. Your body will thank you for it! Trust me.
One of my lovely readers, a woman on her own journey, asked me to include a meal plan. I think that different things work for different people. I may start including recipes or food ideas, but I would suggest including as many veggies as possible. You'll definitely need some protein to keep you full, but only 4-5 oz perhaps. One of my latest crazes has been one of my pre-ghost dinners. (I'm a tour guide for a ghost tour in Boston...not much time for breaks and eating, gotta get enough energy beforehand.) I like to cook up peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli, basically whatever veggies are laying around in the fridge in a little bit of oil, add some chicken or turkey, maybe some teriyaki sauce if I'm really feeling adventurous. A yummy little stir-fry in less than 10 minutes...if the chix is precooked. I suppose while I'm handing out ideas, a favorite breakfast of mine right now is a cup of fruit (berries, oranges, or watermelon), topped with 1 cup of Stonyfield Plain Nonfat Yogurt, and a cup of granola. SO delicious and keeps me going for a few hours.
Eating can be trouble for many of us. Many of us eat, or don't eat, for reasons other than hunger. I have a hard time thinking of anyone I know who has a completely free and clear relationship with food. Who wasn't rewarded as a kid for "being good" with an ice cream cone? happy meal? Food became a prize. Or if you didn't have a lot to go around, you scarfed down as much as you could, so that you could get seconds before everyone else. We may not have a clearly identifiable eating disorder, but we are clearly disordered eaters. Everyone has their struggles. Everyone suffers silently. You are not alone. Don't let food run your life. Don't let food dictate how long that life will be. You deserve much better than that.
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