Baby steps

Hello friends! I have returned! (Thank you, thank you. *bows*) It's been a rough, sweaty week, folks. As I'm sure most of you can attest to. It's been tough getting in a daily workout when you feel like you're overheated constantly anyway. Some of you are probably lucky enough to work in meat-locker-type offices in which you have to wear a sweater and complain 'round the old water cooler about how chilly you are. SOME of us work in an "air-conditioned" palace with doors constantly opening and closing as hot, sweaty, angry people come flooding in looking for relief in the form of iced beverages. Yes, it truly is as delightful as it sounds. SO, let's just say that after working 7 or 8 hours in a humid, indoor location, the last thing you want to do is head to the gym. BUT, fear not, dear readers, I did it. I dragged my sorry ass over to gym Monday, Tues, AND Wed. I do admit that Wed was a complete waste, but that time I had little to no energy left. You know it's bad when you "reward" yourself by laying on the mats and do crunches. (At one point I felt like I had been laying still for so long that someone would come over and check on me..."Umm...ma'am? Are you okay? Uhhh...I think she's dead." (Yes, it's true. I get "ma'am"ed all the time. *sigh* So sad.) But even though I felt like I didn't do much, I still did way more than I would have a year ago. What a difference a year makes. When the going gets tough, I think of how far I've come and how much I've changed. The strides that I've made, both literally and figuratively, keep me motivated to continue on this path to amazingness.

Speaking of motivation, I even got out of bed this morning (on one of my "sleep-in" mornings) to go for a run before it got too hot. (Elizabeth, my dear friend and quasi-personal-trainer-in-training, made it emphatically clear that I was NOT allowed to run outside this week unless it was early in the morning. So I heeded her warning.) But if you are a gym-goer or a runner at all, you may realize that once you start running outside, it's VERY difficult to recreate the magic on a treadmill. And by magic, I just mean the sense of actually going somewhere. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to watch TV. Those of you who know me, KNOW how much I love TV. (Probably another reason why my ass was so big...) My program of choice on the treadmill is definitely Sportscenter on ESPN. I listen to music while reading Sportscenter, soaking up my sports knowledge. But even that isn't cutting it anymore. I get impatient. After about 5 minutes I'm ready to be done. And as I'm up to about 30 min of running now, it's hard to want to stay on that treadmill. So, I sacrificed some precious sleep (one of my favorite things) to get in a run (now ALSO one of my favorite things). There was a decent breeze, not too hot, and not too humid. I'm glad I went. It was clearly a good choice for the day.

As I go through this journey I realize that life is full of choices, both big and small, and that a bunch of good, small choices will lead to a much fuller life. Sure, we all have very big decisions to make, but those don't come around as often as these little ones. "Hmmm what to have for lunch today? Giant tower of onion rings? Or a nice grilled chicken salad?" A journey like this can be quite daunting. When I started and I declared that I would lose 100 lbs, I thought I was crazy. I thought "There's NO WAY in hell that you're going to be able to do this." But as I went along, it was the choice to go to the gym. The choice to work out just a few minutes longer. To try running. To eat a better breakfast. To stop eating crappy pastries from a certain place I work. To quit drinking soda. And here I am, 20 lbs from my first goal. All because of the choices I've made. Perfection is impossible. And besides, perfection is boring, and I'm sure, quite tiring. I do my best, and sometimes, less than my best, but my current best is certainly lightyears from where my previous best was. I'm okay with striving to be better. Just like Dr. Leo Marvin said...Baby steps to a new me.

I know, the idea of baby stepping ANYWHERE is obnoxious and frustrating. It'll take too damn long. I want it NOW. NOW. NOW. We live in a wonderful world of instant gratification. It's hard to want to WORK for anything. We want the weight gone NOW. Fix me NOW. Probably why plastic surgery is so commonplace in our society. Sure, if I could get out my Dirt Devil and suck out my fat, I probably would have tried it by now. BUT, I do know that as tough as it's been, it's also been quite satisfying seeing my hard work pay off. I find it hard to believe, every time that I step on that scale, that the numbers are actually going down. I have to try on multiple sizes in stores because I just can't believe that I'm wearing the size I'm wearing. The fact that I purchased some Women's Size L shirts in Old navy a few weeks ago shocked the HELL out of me. For most of my life, I could only shop in stores that carried "Women's" or "Plus" size clothes, like Lane Bryant.

Back in the day, the 90's, Lane Bryant was code for "Here's a muu-muu, you fat cow". I remember trying to go in there as a self-conscious teenager and try to find something to wear that wouldn't make me look like I was a 65 year old woman on a cruise ship. Unfortunately, no dice. So I did what any respectable young girl would do...I wore men's clothes. I don't really remember where I got my jeans at (probably Sears), but I wore a general uniform of T-shirts and plaid shirts from Old Navy and Pacific Sunwear with my navy blue Chuck Taylors and thought I was "cute". By the time I was a senior, I didn't really care anymore. Just "tom-boyed" my way through the day, secretly wishing that I could dress like the thin girls in my class. At least nowadays, it's a little easier for women of size to dress their age. I do recall while in college, discovering that Lane Bryant had changed it's look and now made clothes for my age range. It was at that point that I embraced the fact that yes, I was, in fact, a woman. And that I should start dressing like one. I was quite proud of the fact that I could look good at my size. You see WAY too many big girls dressing in clothes that they have no business wearing. (Mini skirts? Leggings? Come on, now.) I'm all about trying to look sexy, but put some clothes on. That's way sexier than running around half naked. (Ahem, ladies of ANY size. Don't be a whore.) But that's a blog for another time. But as I start changing, I can shop in stores that I've never been in. Weird.

The day will come (soon, and could be now, just haven't tried yet) when I can finally shop in Victoria's Secret. Not sure if I can actually AFFORD it, but it'll be a triumph to walk through those doors and not just buy some lotion. And it'll also be a weird day when I can no longer actually wear clothes from Lane Bryant. I'm in their smallest size now, and some of their tops are too long and blousy for me right now. But in my mind, I still see myself in my old size. Like I said, I have to take multiple sizes into the dressing room just to confirm that I am the size the tag says on the shirt on my back. I suppose when you're defined by your size, or you define yourself that way, for so long, it's hard to change that mindset so quickly. I imagine that the "fat girl" inside will probably never go away. She'll always be there, lurking. Waiting to make an appearance. Waiting to knock down my self-esteem. But this new me has to be ready to smash her. In the immortal words of Charlie Kelly, I will smash her face into a jelly.

Or maybe just punch her in the throat.