*Just a warning, this got A LOT deeper than I had intended when I started writing...*
Take a moment to think about a day in the life of you. You could probably use the terms "typical", "same old, same old", "predictable" to describe this day, I'd say. You wake up at the same time, probably go about getting ready in the same order, drive/commute/walk the same way to work. If you have a "traditional" job, where you go somewhere to work, life is probably generally the same everyday. You may not do the EXACT same thing, but chances are good, it's similar. You eat lunch at the same time everyday, perhaps even the same thing. You may go to the same coffee shop at 4pm for a pick-me-up. Work is over, head home, probably the same way you came to work, make dinner, eat dinner, watch TV. Go to bed. End of day.
It's amazing how we manage to get ourselves into this pattern. Good or bad, that's your life. A series of "choices" that seem to result in the same end game. Why? Probably because deep down, we are comforted by things being the same. You find something that works for you and you stick with it. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it", right? As a professional caffeine dealer, I see the epitome of creatures of habit every single morning. Some of these folks have had the exact same drink/pastry for 4 years. Seriously?! I mean, I get that you like what you like, but come on now...maybe a little variety?? But then, I start to wonder if it's because they really WANT that, or if they've conditioned themselves to "need" it. Obviously, caffeine is certainly one of those things. For those of you who know me, know that I don't really drink a lot of caffeine. I will, once in awhile, actually make a half-caf latte at the Bux, or on my days off, I'll get regular iced coffee down at True Grounds, but I wouldn't say I NEED it. Sometimes I feel like I could use a little perk up...although, I'll be honest...sometimes I feel like my heart's going to explode from just a little bit of caffeine. Perhaps I've gone the OTHER way, and conditioned myself NOT to need it. I never drank soda for the caffeine, I wanted the sugar.
But think of the choices you make on a daily basis...especially regarding food. Are you really hungry? Or do you make that trip to the convenience store/coffee shop because you've trained yourself that because it's 3pm, it's time to go there? I decided that this week I'd get "back on track" as far as my food was concerned. I've plateaued at 80 lbs lost (or 75 depending on the hour/day/week) since the beginning of August. Although, I hate to use the work plateau because it's not like I've been working my ass off and nothing is happening. I've been eating, not necessarily "recklessly", just not being as vigilant as I once was. Plus, my workouts haven't been nearly as consistent. My main goal this week was to avoid eating any Sbux sandwiches. I had gotten myself into the habit of eating one (bfast wrap, panini, rf turkey bacon) on my half hour break around 10am. No problem, right? Well, BIG problem considering I'd then come home around 1230 or 1 and eat something then too. I've upped my water intake this week as well, and tried to limit myself to only 1 or 2 coffee drinks, lessening the amount of sugar/syrups that I would put in them as well. It's doing the trick, little by little...the scale is moving again...downward motion, thank goodness.
What do you do out of habit? Do you act a certain way because people "expect" you to? It makes me think back to when I decided to go to IUP. I chose IUP because it was 5 hours from home and NO ONE I knew from high school was going there. I saw this as my chance to finally be who I wanted to be and not who everyone expected me to be. I finally had to sink or swim on my own. I was terrified, yet sweetly rewarded by finding an amazing group of friends and slowly shaping who I'd become today. Now, of course, hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 and I, like everyone, regret some of my actions. I may or may not have been the person I really wanted to be when putting others down...hoping that would keep them from putting ME down. I was secretly trying to build myself up, and unfortunately that's the only way I thought would work. Self-esteem is a difficult thing. You don't really know how to fix it. No one really teaches you that. You learn how to survive. You learn how to build up that wall around yourself so that no words will hurt. Sarcasm is an amazing wall. Trust me, I know. I don't know why, but even now, I still find myself acting in ways that I KNOW I shouldn't. Is this out of habit?? Is this so that I won't show my vulnerability? Is this self-preservation?
This journey has revealed things about myself that I never really knew existed. I tricked myself into thinking I was happy. But when I really looked deep inside, I realized that I wasn't. And as some of you know, no matter how much weight you lose, you may be physically different, but your mind won't change. The habits are still there. Your personality is still there, good or bad. As we've heard in movies, or wherever, "I may be fat, but I can lose weight. And you'll always be a bitch." Am I a bitch? Will I go from being a fat bitch to a skinny bitch? How many people have I hurt in my life just to try to make myself feel better? God, this hurts to even think about. I feel like I have the best intentions, but I bet it certainly doesn't come out that way. Am I subconsciously trying to inflict pain on people so that they'll feel the pain that I've felt throughout my life? That is just wrong.
I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who has rationalized themselves into thinking that they're the victim. It's never MY fault. It's always someone else's fault. It's not my fault that I didn't get that job. Not my fault I didn't get that part. Not my fault he won't go out with me. But I suppose the only way to truly become the person I've wanted to be is to take ownership of my faults, and my successes. I shouldn't be handed anything. Maybe that's a cosmic reason why I didn't get that job. The interview fell into my lap, I didn't do anything to earn it. i need to start working harder to achieve the life I want. I need to stop playing the victim. I need to allow people to see the real me and to stop hiding. Good things will come to me when I deserve them. Right now, in a state of complacency and laziness, I shouldn't really get anything. Maybe that's why I haven't lived up to my potential AT ALL...
I could have a great job...instead of a job that I tolerate.
I could be an amazing singer...instead of a "singer" who doesn't sing anywhere. That's like saying I'm an astronaut. "Where are you astronauting?" "Oh, nowhere right now."
I could be a better runner...instead of a mentally weak runner who has trouble pushing herself.
I could have a life that I'm proud to talk about...instead of feeling shameful of what I do for a living, and how I feel like I've thrown away the chance to do anything worthwhile with myself.
Am I living this life out of habit? Am I afraid to change? Life could be SO much better, if only I'd take that chance and work hard. Harder than I've ever worked before.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
How do you measure a year?
This week marks my one year "fat-iversary". One year ago, on Sept 21st, I chose to start living a different life. I haven't had a drop of soda since then. I chose to put myself first and to take control of my health. As I think about how different things are now, I get very excited by the progress that I've made and feel very proud of myself. I've never done anything that consistently in my life. I always come up with excuses, allow things to get in the way, and just manage to fall off the wagon. The difference now is that I am not interested in falling off of this wagon any time soon.
It's true that I've been self-sabotaging a bit lately. I've been eating "carelessly". I put it in quotes because it's not quite the right word. I haven't been gorging on completely ridiculous things, I just haven't been nearly as vigilant as I was in the beginning. I was really good about drinking water, and not eating crap at Sbux. I don't eat the pastries, but for me, it's the leftover paninis or breakfast wraps that are tempting. Why? I have no idea. Honestly. Sure, they're "good", but in the grand scheme of things, they aren't. They're more appealing than the apple in my purse, but they shouldn't be. Maybe it's the bread. I don't know. I make a good argument in my head that it's better than eating....whatever. And then I eat it. I don't go through eater's remorse, but I definitely feel like I shouldn't have had that. I shouldn't have wasted my energy on it. But for some reason, it's hard to say no. No one is sitting there force feeding me, but I feel it's necessary to do.
A year ago, I made the choice to not eat those foods. I drank only water for at least 6 weeks. I went to the gym at least 3 days a week, and at the time, that was enough. My lifestyle was sedentary, outside of walking to work and being on my feet at work. My body needs a lot more work than that nowadays, and doesn't need all of the extra crap I'm putting in. Why do we do this? You're on a good path and then you get complacent and you start giving yourself allowances...and then before you know it, you ruin all of the hard work you've done to this point so far.
Okay, okay, so i'm being dramatic. I haven't gained 80 lbs back. But I have created a plateau for myself. I've been at the same weight now for almost 2 months. Fluxing up and down by a few pounds here and there. Sure, I don't drink soda, but I'm drinking sugary coffee drinks at work. (Granted, not as sugary as our recipes state, but more than I should have.) I'm creating obstacles for myself again. I'm making this much harder than it needs to be. I was hoping to be at 100 lbs lost by this 1 year mark, and because of my own actions, I am not there. I am not upset. I have done a wonderful thing, but I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know how to keep myself in check, I just need to actually do it.
Why do we feel the need to set ourselves up for failure? I feel that we are all deeply afraid of failure. We WANT to succeed. Yet, we are also somewhat afraid of success. We are afraid of what could happen if we are actually happy. So we choose failure. We choose to let things remain the same. Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
I chose to rock that boat. I rocked it hard. And now, the waters have calmed. And I've lost my oars. Hard to move forward without one. I probably won't move backwards either, as there is no current to drag me back. But I certainly won't go anywhere. I'll just remain where I am. Some people would be happy with where I've gotten to. And if you had asked me a year ago, if in one year's time I'd be happy and content that had I lost 80 lbs, I probably would have said yes. But now that I've experienced the strength, experienced the highs (and the lows), I want more. I am not content. Proud, yes. Content, no.
And THAT should be motivation enough...
but only time will tell.
But really, next year at this time, will you be content with what you've done?
No regrets. Make it happen.
It's true that I've been self-sabotaging a bit lately. I've been eating "carelessly". I put it in quotes because it's not quite the right word. I haven't been gorging on completely ridiculous things, I just haven't been nearly as vigilant as I was in the beginning. I was really good about drinking water, and not eating crap at Sbux. I don't eat the pastries, but for me, it's the leftover paninis or breakfast wraps that are tempting. Why? I have no idea. Honestly. Sure, they're "good", but in the grand scheme of things, they aren't. They're more appealing than the apple in my purse, but they shouldn't be. Maybe it's the bread. I don't know. I make a good argument in my head that it's better than eating....whatever. And then I eat it. I don't go through eater's remorse, but I definitely feel like I shouldn't have had that. I shouldn't have wasted my energy on it. But for some reason, it's hard to say no. No one is sitting there force feeding me, but I feel it's necessary to do.
A year ago, I made the choice to not eat those foods. I drank only water for at least 6 weeks. I went to the gym at least 3 days a week, and at the time, that was enough. My lifestyle was sedentary, outside of walking to work and being on my feet at work. My body needs a lot more work than that nowadays, and doesn't need all of the extra crap I'm putting in. Why do we do this? You're on a good path and then you get complacent and you start giving yourself allowances...and then before you know it, you ruin all of the hard work you've done to this point so far.
Okay, okay, so i'm being dramatic. I haven't gained 80 lbs back. But I have created a plateau for myself. I've been at the same weight now for almost 2 months. Fluxing up and down by a few pounds here and there. Sure, I don't drink soda, but I'm drinking sugary coffee drinks at work. (Granted, not as sugary as our recipes state, but more than I should have.) I'm creating obstacles for myself again. I'm making this much harder than it needs to be. I was hoping to be at 100 lbs lost by this 1 year mark, and because of my own actions, I am not there. I am not upset. I have done a wonderful thing, but I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know how to keep myself in check, I just need to actually do it.
Why do we feel the need to set ourselves up for failure? I feel that we are all deeply afraid of failure. We WANT to succeed. Yet, we are also somewhat afraid of success. We are afraid of what could happen if we are actually happy. So we choose failure. We choose to let things remain the same. Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
I chose to rock that boat. I rocked it hard. And now, the waters have calmed. And I've lost my oars. Hard to move forward without one. I probably won't move backwards either, as there is no current to drag me back. But I certainly won't go anywhere. I'll just remain where I am. Some people would be happy with where I've gotten to. And if you had asked me a year ago, if in one year's time I'd be happy and content that had I lost 80 lbs, I probably would have said yes. But now that I've experienced the strength, experienced the highs (and the lows), I want more. I am not content. Proud, yes. Content, no.
And THAT should be motivation enough...
but only time will tell.
But really, next year at this time, will you be content with what you've done?
No regrets. Make it happen.
Friday, September 17, 2010
It takes a village...
Everyday I walk by the Brown School on Willow Street and I suppose I never really noticed, but today as I jogged by at recess time, I realized something very weird. There's a bench on the playground. I came jogging up the street, I hear the kids shrieking and playing, and then I see two kids...both overweight...sitting on the bench while everyone else plays. The boy was reading a book, the girl was eating a bag of Cheetos, licking her fingers, looking happy and uninterested in playing, delighting in her cheesy, salty snack. I looked at the rest of the playground, all of the other kids were running around, chasing each other, playing ball, etc. But these two could not be bothered. As I passed by them, the boy looked up at me, we locked eyes and then he looked back down at his book. In that moment, all I could think was "Get up, kid. You don't want to be me, 20 years from now, working to erase your past. Don't get into these habits now".
Childhood obesity is a huge problem, no pun intended. As our society becomes more technologically advanced, the asses of our children (and ourselves) get seemingly larger. As a kid, you go outside, wait for the bus (or are driven to school), you get to school, you sit down at your desk. You go out to recess, you may or may not run around. You sit around more. Then you go home, at which point you fire up the tv, computer, Wii, whatever and may never actually get any physically activity. Sure, you have gym class for 45 minutes a week...that'll erase a snack sized back of Doritos, maybe.
And as an adult, you've come up with a million and one excuses for why you can't work out, especially if you have kids. Now look, I'm not saying you're a terrible person or a bad parent, please. I have great respect for parents. I, myself, do not have kids, so I don't know the joy/pain/fatigue enjoyed by parents, but I do understand that it's a great challenge. I am trying to stockpile nuggets of wisdom in the event that I ever have a kid so that I don't put him/her down the path of obesity. But anyway, the demands of society and life have certainly put a stranglehold on your time. I get it. You wake up early, get the kids off to school, or get yourself off to work, sit all day at your desk. Your desk may have candy jars on it, someone's in the office may, it's someone's birthday, you have to celebrate with food. You have a "convenient", but nutritionally vacant lunch, because you didn't have time to go out grocery shopping. You have a long commute, you get home, with or without kids, make dinner, watch some tv to unwind and then it's time for bed. You're perpetually tired. You don't have time to eat well. Why is it so much more difficult to take 30 minutes to whip up something nutritious and delicious than driving up to a window and getting "food" in a paper bag? So you can then take an extra 20 minutes to watch TV? Sure, you might hate Rachael Ray, but she's serious when she says it only takes 30 minutes to create a wonderful meal.
I've been lamenting the fact that I feel like I've made some bad decisions in my life, leading me to the point I am now, in many areas of my life, not just healthwise. My wise friend, EOB, said "Well, lately I've been thinking that decisions aren't necessarily good or bad, that's it's all about choice. It was your choice to do this or that." And to be honest, at the time, you agonize over a choice, and it's not good or bad at that point...but as we all know, hindsight is, in fact, 20/20. A lifetime of not so great choices lead me to be overweight. Obese, actually. Let's just be honest. I was obese. I am overweight now. Hooray for small victories. Or large victories. Yeah, I'd say the loss of 80 lbs is a large victory. Sometimes I wish I could hop into my circa 1985 DeLorean and head back to my childhood and make better choices.
But as a kid, you don't know enough by yourself. You have to be guided by your parents. Your parents have to make good choices for you to emulate. I've talked about this before, and I certainly don't want to lay the blame on my parents, but considering that's where I learned my eating habits, this is partially their fault. And seeing those kids on the bench today, really made me think, they will probably go home and have a craptastical snack, which may be like eating another meal. I'll be straight with you, I'd come home and stuff my face...especially when I'd come home to an empty house. Guzzling soda, eating chips, tastykakes, whatever was in the house. And then I'd eat dinner in a few hours. I didn't really eat vegetables as a kid/teenager/early adult...so most of my meals were just meat and carbs. And as it's Friday, these kids may live in a household where it's Pizza Night or something like that. The weekend arrives and they'll sit inside all weekend, playing video games, watching TV, etc. The only good thing I can say was at least the boy was reading a book. (It seems that reading has become obsolete...so that at least made an unfortunate situation somewhat bearable. But THAT discussion is for another time...)
Even as I sit here, attached to my own technological device, I feel a bit guilty, like I should be doing something active. I went for a run today, yet I still feel like I should do more. I suppose I'm realizing that my body is getting used to this certain level of activity and that to see greater results, I need to kick it up a notch. Bam! (Thanks, Emeril.) I need to take my own advice and stop self-sabotaging. The more things change, the more they stay the same. For example, the last few weeks, I've been pretty lax about my food choices. I'm not gaining weight, but certainly not losing it either. But I'll get this overwhelming sense of "hunger", or could just be emptiness, and I want to eat. My kitchen/pantry area is definitely void of nasty junk food. The worst thing I have out there right now is a box of granola or a canister of almonds. So yes, if i chose to eat the entire canister of almonds, that would be bad. But when I graze around and try to satisfy whatever's going on in my mind, I'm stuffing my face with fruit and granola, wishing for chocolate.
And then I remember the times when I used to do that growing up, when the cabinets were filled with sugary deliciousness.
And I remember how I got to the point I was at a year ago.
Fat.
Unhappy.
Lost.
I don't feel lost anymore. Unhappy? Not all the time, that's for sure. Unhappy because of certain things, yes, but not with who I am. That's a big difference. Lost? A little, but again, not for the same reasons. Losing weight doesn't cure all of your ills, that's for sure. But challenging yourself to do things you never thought possible will do wonders for your self-esteem. You realize that you are everything you ever wanted to be and more, but that you had been drowning in negative self-talk and Ho-hos for far too long.
I don't know too many kids personally. But the kids that I do know, I try to impress upon them that they are worth the effort and the hardwork. They shouldn't allow other people to make them feel badly about themselves and that everyone has demons in their past that try to bring you down. I try to teach them the lessons I've learned, trying to steer them away from a path of self-destruction like I was on. If you have kids, show them the way to a healthy, active life. Don't let them go down this path. This is a journey that far too many people are going to need at some point in their lives if we don't help them early on. They say that due to the rising rates of obesity in this country that this current younger generation will actually see a dip in life expectancy thanks to diabetes and heart disease and all of that stuff. Don't let your kids be part of that statistic. Sure, it might be easier to heat up a box of chicken nuggets for dinner, or to give them mac and cheese every night for dinner, but in the long run...will it help them? Your kid's health should be a great priority in your life, only behind your own, perhaps, because without a healthy parent, that kid will be nowhere.
Childhood obesity is a huge problem, no pun intended. As our society becomes more technologically advanced, the asses of our children (and ourselves) get seemingly larger. As a kid, you go outside, wait for the bus (or are driven to school), you get to school, you sit down at your desk. You go out to recess, you may or may not run around. You sit around more. Then you go home, at which point you fire up the tv, computer, Wii, whatever and may never actually get any physically activity. Sure, you have gym class for 45 minutes a week...that'll erase a snack sized back of Doritos, maybe.
And as an adult, you've come up with a million and one excuses for why you can't work out, especially if you have kids. Now look, I'm not saying you're a terrible person or a bad parent, please. I have great respect for parents. I, myself, do not have kids, so I don't know the joy/pain/fatigue enjoyed by parents, but I do understand that it's a great challenge. I am trying to stockpile nuggets of wisdom in the event that I ever have a kid so that I don't put him/her down the path of obesity. But anyway, the demands of society and life have certainly put a stranglehold on your time. I get it. You wake up early, get the kids off to school, or get yourself off to work, sit all day at your desk. Your desk may have candy jars on it, someone's in the office may, it's someone's birthday, you have to celebrate with food. You have a "convenient", but nutritionally vacant lunch, because you didn't have time to go out grocery shopping. You have a long commute, you get home, with or without kids, make dinner, watch some tv to unwind and then it's time for bed. You're perpetually tired. You don't have time to eat well. Why is it so much more difficult to take 30 minutes to whip up something nutritious and delicious than driving up to a window and getting "food" in a paper bag? So you can then take an extra 20 minutes to watch TV? Sure, you might hate Rachael Ray, but she's serious when she says it only takes 30 minutes to create a wonderful meal.
I've been lamenting the fact that I feel like I've made some bad decisions in my life, leading me to the point I am now, in many areas of my life, not just healthwise. My wise friend, EOB, said "Well, lately I've been thinking that decisions aren't necessarily good or bad, that's it's all about choice. It was your choice to do this or that." And to be honest, at the time, you agonize over a choice, and it's not good or bad at that point...but as we all know, hindsight is, in fact, 20/20. A lifetime of not so great choices lead me to be overweight. Obese, actually. Let's just be honest. I was obese. I am overweight now. Hooray for small victories. Or large victories. Yeah, I'd say the loss of 80 lbs is a large victory. Sometimes I wish I could hop into my circa 1985 DeLorean and head back to my childhood and make better choices.
But as a kid, you don't know enough by yourself. You have to be guided by your parents. Your parents have to make good choices for you to emulate. I've talked about this before, and I certainly don't want to lay the blame on my parents, but considering that's where I learned my eating habits, this is partially their fault. And seeing those kids on the bench today, really made me think, they will probably go home and have a craptastical snack, which may be like eating another meal. I'll be straight with you, I'd come home and stuff my face...especially when I'd come home to an empty house. Guzzling soda, eating chips, tastykakes, whatever was in the house. And then I'd eat dinner in a few hours. I didn't really eat vegetables as a kid/teenager/early adult...so most of my meals were just meat and carbs. And as it's Friday, these kids may live in a household where it's Pizza Night or something like that. The weekend arrives and they'll sit inside all weekend, playing video games, watching TV, etc. The only good thing I can say was at least the boy was reading a book. (It seems that reading has become obsolete...so that at least made an unfortunate situation somewhat bearable. But THAT discussion is for another time...)
Even as I sit here, attached to my own technological device, I feel a bit guilty, like I should be doing something active. I went for a run today, yet I still feel like I should do more. I suppose I'm realizing that my body is getting used to this certain level of activity and that to see greater results, I need to kick it up a notch. Bam! (Thanks, Emeril.) I need to take my own advice and stop self-sabotaging. The more things change, the more they stay the same. For example, the last few weeks, I've been pretty lax about my food choices. I'm not gaining weight, but certainly not losing it either. But I'll get this overwhelming sense of "hunger", or could just be emptiness, and I want to eat. My kitchen/pantry area is definitely void of nasty junk food. The worst thing I have out there right now is a box of granola or a canister of almonds. So yes, if i chose to eat the entire canister of almonds, that would be bad. But when I graze around and try to satisfy whatever's going on in my mind, I'm stuffing my face with fruit and granola, wishing for chocolate.
And then I remember the times when I used to do that growing up, when the cabinets were filled with sugary deliciousness.
And I remember how I got to the point I was at a year ago.
Fat.
Unhappy.
Lost.
I don't feel lost anymore. Unhappy? Not all the time, that's for sure. Unhappy because of certain things, yes, but not with who I am. That's a big difference. Lost? A little, but again, not for the same reasons. Losing weight doesn't cure all of your ills, that's for sure. But challenging yourself to do things you never thought possible will do wonders for your self-esteem. You realize that you are everything you ever wanted to be and more, but that you had been drowning in negative self-talk and Ho-hos for far too long.
I don't know too many kids personally. But the kids that I do know, I try to impress upon them that they are worth the effort and the hardwork. They shouldn't allow other people to make them feel badly about themselves and that everyone has demons in their past that try to bring you down. I try to teach them the lessons I've learned, trying to steer them away from a path of self-destruction like I was on. If you have kids, show them the way to a healthy, active life. Don't let them go down this path. This is a journey that far too many people are going to need at some point in their lives if we don't help them early on. They say that due to the rising rates of obesity in this country that this current younger generation will actually see a dip in life expectancy thanks to diabetes and heart disease and all of that stuff. Don't let your kids be part of that statistic. Sure, it might be easier to heat up a box of chicken nuggets for dinner, or to give them mac and cheese every night for dinner, but in the long run...will it help them? Your kid's health should be a great priority in your life, only behind your own, perhaps, because without a healthy parent, that kid will be nowhere.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Well ain't that a slap in the...
I really felt that interview went well. I'm pretty sure I said that in the last entry. I felt that way all week. I was confident that I'd at least get a 2nd interview. But, alas, today I received the "we're going with another candidate" email.
Booooooooooo.
Yes, I am disappointed. Yes, I am bummed. But, I suppose considering my experience with auditions, I am not beating myself up. If I don't fit their vision, then I don't get the gig. I have a lot to offer, it's just I don't think that my resume says much about me. It emphasizes the bad choices I've made. It emphasizes that I have potential, but chose to do something else. I really need to figure out how to effectively market myself and to get myself into a better situation.
Not saying that Sbux is a terrible situation. Far from it, actually. After you get the hang of it, it's a relatively "easy" job. Easy in the respect that it's not all that mentally taxing...except for the verbal abuse you suffer from the customers. But it's not a physically easy job. You are constantly moving, constantly getting, doing, running, cleaning, making, etc. In November, it'll be 7 years since I sold my soul to the Siren. I've made comments about it being time to go for about 2 years now...now it's REALLY time. I am near burned out on the job. I certainly don't want to be there. The only saving grace are my lovely coworkers and the few customers that I enjoy seeing.
I took the chance to better my body, and I've seen a lot of success. I still need to keep that focus. But I know that I need to shift my focus to bettering my job situation. I may never be truly happy as far as a job is concerned, unless perhaps, I was singing full time. Now, of course, that is a whole other ball of wax. I will only succeed if I put in the work. Am I putting in the work? No. Am I living up to my potential? Absolutely not. I cannot blame anyone but myself. No one is keeping me from practicing and learning except myself. Am I scared? Yes. Am I afraid of ultimate rejection? Yes. And by that, I mean, that day that someone tells me that I'm not quite cut out for singing and that I should stick to slingin' coffee. Or that maybe I'll never get past community theater, that I should enjoy the small town lights because that's where I'll succeed. *sigh* Yet, then again, there are many times I can't even get cast in THAT stuff. Sure, it had to do with my weight. I've never been considered for a leading role because of my weight. I'm always the funny sidekick, or the cameo character. I'm hoping that when i choose to start auditioning again...very soon...very soon...that I will be rewarded with a chance.
I need to take more chances. Last night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to 2 classes at the Dance Complex in Central Square. I took a "beginner" ballet class that was anything BUT beginner. Luckily, I remember a lot, and can pick things up rather quickly. I did a lot of looking at other people, but who cares, it was hard work! After that, i went to a kickboxing class. Let's talk about a great workout! WOWEEE! I will definitely be going back to these classes. I think I definitely needed a change of pace as far as exercise goes. I'm not all that interested in going to the gym anymore and have even considered canceling my membership BUT I do know that once the weather turns cold, I certainly won't want to run in the cold all the time. I am going to try it though. i'm going to get some cold weather running gear and learn how to do it. I'm going to continue to grow and learn. I am motivated as far as exercising goes...now if food would follow, I'd be good.
I need to figure out a way to carry this motivation over to my singing. I love to sing. I love to perform. But I hate to practice. It's just like my clarinet playing days. That's why I never made it higher than 2nd clarinet. I had NO desire to practice my solo work. I just wanted to play in the group, I felt that's where I really belonged. I love to sing by myself, but I enjoy performing in shows/operas much more. I'm not much of a recitalist. I am in the process of getting some headshots...early in the process, but still. I need to get ones that actually look like me, ones that I am proud of. (I hate mine right now.) I need to find a love of practicing. I need to do a better job of managing my time.
I need.
I need.
I need. Wow. I'm whiny.
Any helpful hints or words of encouragement are always welcome. :-) Or even just a swift kick in the butt too...I can ALWAYS use one of those.
Booooooooooo.
Yes, I am disappointed. Yes, I am bummed. But, I suppose considering my experience with auditions, I am not beating myself up. If I don't fit their vision, then I don't get the gig. I have a lot to offer, it's just I don't think that my resume says much about me. It emphasizes the bad choices I've made. It emphasizes that I have potential, but chose to do something else. I really need to figure out how to effectively market myself and to get myself into a better situation.
Not saying that Sbux is a terrible situation. Far from it, actually. After you get the hang of it, it's a relatively "easy" job. Easy in the respect that it's not all that mentally taxing...except for the verbal abuse you suffer from the customers. But it's not a physically easy job. You are constantly moving, constantly getting, doing, running, cleaning, making, etc. In November, it'll be 7 years since I sold my soul to the Siren. I've made comments about it being time to go for about 2 years now...now it's REALLY time. I am near burned out on the job. I certainly don't want to be there. The only saving grace are my lovely coworkers and the few customers that I enjoy seeing.
I took the chance to better my body, and I've seen a lot of success. I still need to keep that focus. But I know that I need to shift my focus to bettering my job situation. I may never be truly happy as far as a job is concerned, unless perhaps, I was singing full time. Now, of course, that is a whole other ball of wax. I will only succeed if I put in the work. Am I putting in the work? No. Am I living up to my potential? Absolutely not. I cannot blame anyone but myself. No one is keeping me from practicing and learning except myself. Am I scared? Yes. Am I afraid of ultimate rejection? Yes. And by that, I mean, that day that someone tells me that I'm not quite cut out for singing and that I should stick to slingin' coffee. Or that maybe I'll never get past community theater, that I should enjoy the small town lights because that's where I'll succeed. *sigh* Yet, then again, there are many times I can't even get cast in THAT stuff. Sure, it had to do with my weight. I've never been considered for a leading role because of my weight. I'm always the funny sidekick, or the cameo character. I'm hoping that when i choose to start auditioning again...very soon...very soon...that I will be rewarded with a chance.
I need to take more chances. Last night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went to 2 classes at the Dance Complex in Central Square. I took a "beginner" ballet class that was anything BUT beginner. Luckily, I remember a lot, and can pick things up rather quickly. I did a lot of looking at other people, but who cares, it was hard work! After that, i went to a kickboxing class. Let's talk about a great workout! WOWEEE! I will definitely be going back to these classes. I think I definitely needed a change of pace as far as exercise goes. I'm not all that interested in going to the gym anymore and have even considered canceling my membership BUT I do know that once the weather turns cold, I certainly won't want to run in the cold all the time. I am going to try it though. i'm going to get some cold weather running gear and learn how to do it. I'm going to continue to grow and learn. I am motivated as far as exercising goes...now if food would follow, I'd be good.
I need to figure out a way to carry this motivation over to my singing. I love to sing. I love to perform. But I hate to practice. It's just like my clarinet playing days. That's why I never made it higher than 2nd clarinet. I had NO desire to practice my solo work. I just wanted to play in the group, I felt that's where I really belonged. I love to sing by myself, but I enjoy performing in shows/operas much more. I'm not much of a recitalist. I am in the process of getting some headshots...early in the process, but still. I need to get ones that actually look like me, ones that I am proud of. (I hate mine right now.) I need to find a love of practicing. I need to do a better job of managing my time.
I need.
I need.
I need. Wow. I'm whiny.
Any helpful hints or words of encouragement are always welcome. :-) Or even just a swift kick in the butt too...I can ALWAYS use one of those.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Overwhelming sense of calm.
I've spent the last week driving myself crazy, creating a frenzied storm in my brain, building up the impending job interview as the end-all-be-all of my life. I stressed out at the mall. I kept going to that dark place in my brain, where you don't feel like anything you do is ever going to be good enough. I kept thinking "Why would anyone want me? What have I done? Why do I deserve this?". And of course, I kept dwelling on the fact that I feel like I've made terrible decisions with my life. Wondering how my crappy resume would ever work in my favor, and that I'm so much better than my resume says. It's also hard when you feel like you've done nothing of merit in your life, but the things that you HAVE done are not things that you could include on a resume. So all week, I was nervous, on edge, mind wandering, that kind of thing...imagining what life would be like if I actually get this job...
Then on Thursday, things changed. I had to have a difficult coaching conversation with an Sbux coworker. I'm not very good at "confrontation", but for lack of a better word, that's what I'll call it. It wasn't a harsh conversation, it was just something that needed to happen. She needed help, I needed to help. And as it was happening, and we talked about our roles, I realized that even though I feel like I don't matter a lot of the time...that, in fact, I am very good at my job. Some of the customers make me feel like I am nothing, but without me, their days would be worse. I get their day started right, I serve them in a quick and efficient manner, all while dealing with a ton of interpersonal decisions/issues. I also realized that the skills I've learned and honed while at Sbux will definitely translate into MANY other jobs, including the one I would be interviewing for the following day. Later that night, I had a 7pm tour. Sure, they didn't tip very well, BUT we had a wonderful time. They definitely warmed up and we had a lot of laughs. And I realized that I am very good at THAT job as well. I provide a great service. I am proud of my tour. Sure, it could use some updating, but I'm still really good at it. I do feel like it's definitely worth the ticket price, or even more. Not trying to be cocky, just being honest. I'm not the only one that gives a good tour, but I know I definitely do. So, that contributed to the fact that following that tour, while thinking about the upcoming interview, I was transformed into a calm, confident person...
And the confidence wasn't faked. You know how we all put on an air of confidence and sometimes don't mean it...but at this point, i definitely meant it. I put on my pretty new outfit, and went out into the big, bad world with my mind in the right place. I felt calm and collected, much like I do when I audition. I've luckily gotten to the point that I really don't take it personally anymore if I don't get a role. Sure, I may be disappointed, but I do realize that it's not that I'm not good, it's that I don't fit the "vision" of the director. I am good at what I do, and people will recognize that. I don't need to fake my way through life, I don't need to pretend I'm someone that I'm not. I just went in there and was myself. And you know what? It felt good. I was honest, mature, articulate, funny and hopefully they'll understand that I would be quite an asset to them.
I've made a lot of positive changes in my life in the last year, and I could only hope that as I embark on the 2nd year of healthy living and taking care of myself, that this too, would open up another door of opportunity for me. I'd love to take the step out of my comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory and begin to challenge myself again. I need motivation in all aspects of my life, and the chance to learn something new would probably get the ball rolling in more than one area.
Complacency is what got me to where I was. I was content with my life, eating garbage, laying around, doing nothing. I was content to let life pass me by. As I've made these changes, little steps have turned into giant leaps. I've definitely become a different person, and it's time to allow that person a chance to shine. Don't sit around and let your dreams of a better life drift by. Do your best to achieve whatever you want. Imagine how much happier you would be if you just invested some time in yourself and in your own well-being. I've put others ahead of me for so long, I don't exactly know how to put myself first. But I think it's time I learn. I deserve good things too. I deserve a happy, healthy life. And so do you. But I can't give it to you, and you certainly can't give it me. We can support each other as we reach for those goals. And we can be there to pick each other up if we fall, and be there to celebrate when we succeed. Success is coming. Get ready.
Then on Thursday, things changed. I had to have a difficult coaching conversation with an Sbux coworker. I'm not very good at "confrontation", but for lack of a better word, that's what I'll call it. It wasn't a harsh conversation, it was just something that needed to happen. She needed help, I needed to help. And as it was happening, and we talked about our roles, I realized that even though I feel like I don't matter a lot of the time...that, in fact, I am very good at my job. Some of the customers make me feel like I am nothing, but without me, their days would be worse. I get their day started right, I serve them in a quick and efficient manner, all while dealing with a ton of interpersonal decisions/issues. I also realized that the skills I've learned and honed while at Sbux will definitely translate into MANY other jobs, including the one I would be interviewing for the following day. Later that night, I had a 7pm tour. Sure, they didn't tip very well, BUT we had a wonderful time. They definitely warmed up and we had a lot of laughs. And I realized that I am very good at THAT job as well. I provide a great service. I am proud of my tour. Sure, it could use some updating, but I'm still really good at it. I do feel like it's definitely worth the ticket price, or even more. Not trying to be cocky, just being honest. I'm not the only one that gives a good tour, but I know I definitely do. So, that contributed to the fact that following that tour, while thinking about the upcoming interview, I was transformed into a calm, confident person...
And the confidence wasn't faked. You know how we all put on an air of confidence and sometimes don't mean it...but at this point, i definitely meant it. I put on my pretty new outfit, and went out into the big, bad world with my mind in the right place. I felt calm and collected, much like I do when I audition. I've luckily gotten to the point that I really don't take it personally anymore if I don't get a role. Sure, I may be disappointed, but I do realize that it's not that I'm not good, it's that I don't fit the "vision" of the director. I am good at what I do, and people will recognize that. I don't need to fake my way through life, I don't need to pretend I'm someone that I'm not. I just went in there and was myself. And you know what? It felt good. I was honest, mature, articulate, funny and hopefully they'll understand that I would be quite an asset to them.
I've made a lot of positive changes in my life in the last year, and I could only hope that as I embark on the 2nd year of healthy living and taking care of myself, that this too, would open up another door of opportunity for me. I'd love to take the step out of my comfort zone and into unfamiliar territory and begin to challenge myself again. I need motivation in all aspects of my life, and the chance to learn something new would probably get the ball rolling in more than one area.
Complacency is what got me to where I was. I was content with my life, eating garbage, laying around, doing nothing. I was content to let life pass me by. As I've made these changes, little steps have turned into giant leaps. I've definitely become a different person, and it's time to allow that person a chance to shine. Don't sit around and let your dreams of a better life drift by. Do your best to achieve whatever you want. Imagine how much happier you would be if you just invested some time in yourself and in your own well-being. I've put others ahead of me for so long, I don't exactly know how to put myself first. But I think it's time I learn. I deserve good things too. I deserve a happy, healthy life. And so do you. But I can't give it to you, and you certainly can't give it me. We can support each other as we reach for those goals. And we can be there to pick each other up if we fall, and be there to celebrate when we succeed. Success is coming. Get ready.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Fitting In
Yesterday was a day of firsts for me. It was the first time I ever walked into an Ann Taylor Store, it was the first time I ever walked into J. Crew. And it was the first time that I realized, had it not been for the outrageous price tags, I could actually SHOP in them! For myself! But I also found yesterday to be an extremely stressful situation. Stress? At the MALL?? Come on, lady, you must be joking! I wish I were...
As you may or may not know, I have a job interview coming up on Friday. As the day approaches, it became more pressing that I really don't have any business appropriate clothing in my wardrobe. As I drop sizes, my old clothes move into boxes, piling up in my kitchen, and my drawers become emptier only to be refilled by Sbux approved clothing, workout clothes, and mostly summer stuff. My ex-corporate type friends suggested that I NOT wear a dress (really the only thing I have that would be deemed even mildly appropriate), and so, the hunt for the perfect outfit began.
I started off in Lane Bryant, as they were having a sale on pants, $30 a pair all over the store. Fabulous. I was pleased to see that I am now in a size 14 in their pants, and a comfy 14, not tight...which means that in a month or so (hopefully), I'll be done with LB forever. I suppose I started my search there, as it was usually my go-to place. I knew that I could find something there and not look like I had raided Grandma's closet. All "plus-sized" ladies know that before LB came along, we were stuck wearing clothes at least 30-40 yrs our senior. It's hard to feel comfortable while wearing a dress with large shoulder pads and brooch-like buttons, material like something off of the window dressings in a fancy house. Painful. In the late 90s, early 2000s, it seemed that LB had a change of heart and decided to start selling trendy clothing in larger sizes. Thank goodness. At least we had a chance to feel normal.
It's weird to now be on the OTHER side. It's weird to feel the freedom to walk into every store in the mall and actually be able to fit in their clothes. Sure, finding what size you REALLY are is hard. It's very different at every store, reminding you that you can't define yourself by your size. You can't let it hurt your feelings when you're a Large at Old Navy, but an XLarge at NY & Co, or you can barely fit into the XLarge at H&M. The fact that choices existed made it really difficult on me to make the "right" choice.
I wandered around the mall for about 3 hours...going back and forth, from one store to the next, then going back through those same stores again. I also find that I don't QUITE get today's fashion. Jeggings? Please. Give me a break. Giant, sloppy looking tunic type shirts to be worn over your jeggings/leggings? Ugh. How do I dress for my age in a way that I feel good about myself, not like I'm trying to be someone I'm not (a 21 yr old whore)? As I wandered from store to store, I reached out for some help via text message to my dear friend TZ in PA. She was nice enough to steer me in the, hopefully, right direction. I know that wearing a blazer or suit isn't necessary, plus I just feel so weird in those. I feel like a kid wearing mommy's clothes when I try to wear that stuff, and I knew that I'd feel uncomfortable at the interview. I'll be nervous enough, I shouldn't put myself in a worse state of mind because of the clothes I choose. In the end, I ended up with a really lovely outfit, that I will definitely wear again, regardless of what happens. I won't curse it for NOT getting me the job, if that happens. A nice pair of dark brown trousers, fit perfectly, a beautiful cream colored tank with light layers of fabric (sort of like ruffles, but not quite, hard to explain), a ballet pink cardigan with little flower detailing on the lapel, a long beaded necklace, and a pair of dark brown wedge heels. I feel feminine and pretty, yet confident and definitely age appropriate, and I don't feel like I'm trying too hard. The idea of dressing like this on a daily basis really feels great. I've never actually had a job where I could dress as I wanted. I've always worked in retail situations where a "uniform" existed. Sure, it's easier on the wallet when you wear polos and khakis, but you also lose a sense of "caring" as far as appearance goes. For anyone who has seen me at 5am at Sbux, you know that I just don't care. It's a little tough to try to pretty yourself up at 4 in the morning. You don't want to wear nice clothes because they'll surely be ruined by coffee, etc. It's amazing how the idea of a wardrobe or how you dress on a daily basis really makes you think differently about yourself...
I feel like a slob most of the time. Most of the time I'm either in Sbux clothes, workout clothes, or jammies. I don't dress like a "normal" person. I dress like a service person. Maybe if I took the time to put on some makeup or whatever, I might feel better about myself, but I think that would just mask the situation. I would like to have a choice about what to wear to work, other than "hmm, black or khaki shorts today?". I would like to look pretty. I would like to feel feminine. I would like to feel a bit more successful in my life. Sure, they always say "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have", but I can't wear nice clothes to Sbux. Doesn't work that way. It makes me jealous when I see these women coming in day after day in their little dresses, skirts, nice clothes...and there I am, covered in mocha and chai.
Jealousy is a good motivator as well. You want what other people have. I want a life where I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. I want a life where I can achieve the things I see in my mind's eye. I would love to be able to get up and go for a run before work, and have that NOT be at 3am...which is why that NEVER happens now. To live in the "normal" world would certainly be weird for a bit...trying to figure out if that's the place for me? Do I belong? Will I fit in? Isn't that always the question though...in every aspect of your life....should I be here? Do I belong here? Will they like me?
At least now, I can at least say that I fit in...the clothes. Still not sure of my place in this world, but honestly...who is?
As you may or may not know, I have a job interview coming up on Friday. As the day approaches, it became more pressing that I really don't have any business appropriate clothing in my wardrobe. As I drop sizes, my old clothes move into boxes, piling up in my kitchen, and my drawers become emptier only to be refilled by Sbux approved clothing, workout clothes, and mostly summer stuff. My ex-corporate type friends suggested that I NOT wear a dress (really the only thing I have that would be deemed even mildly appropriate), and so, the hunt for the perfect outfit began.
I started off in Lane Bryant, as they were having a sale on pants, $30 a pair all over the store. Fabulous. I was pleased to see that I am now in a size 14 in their pants, and a comfy 14, not tight...which means that in a month or so (hopefully), I'll be done with LB forever. I suppose I started my search there, as it was usually my go-to place. I knew that I could find something there and not look like I had raided Grandma's closet. All "plus-sized" ladies know that before LB came along, we were stuck wearing clothes at least 30-40 yrs our senior. It's hard to feel comfortable while wearing a dress with large shoulder pads and brooch-like buttons, material like something off of the window dressings in a fancy house. Painful. In the late 90s, early 2000s, it seemed that LB had a change of heart and decided to start selling trendy clothing in larger sizes. Thank goodness. At least we had a chance to feel normal.
It's weird to now be on the OTHER side. It's weird to feel the freedom to walk into every store in the mall and actually be able to fit in their clothes. Sure, finding what size you REALLY are is hard. It's very different at every store, reminding you that you can't define yourself by your size. You can't let it hurt your feelings when you're a Large at Old Navy, but an XLarge at NY & Co, or you can barely fit into the XLarge at H&M. The fact that choices existed made it really difficult on me to make the "right" choice.
I wandered around the mall for about 3 hours...going back and forth, from one store to the next, then going back through those same stores again. I also find that I don't QUITE get today's fashion. Jeggings? Please. Give me a break. Giant, sloppy looking tunic type shirts to be worn over your jeggings/leggings? Ugh. How do I dress for my age in a way that I feel good about myself, not like I'm trying to be someone I'm not (a 21 yr old whore)? As I wandered from store to store, I reached out for some help via text message to my dear friend TZ in PA. She was nice enough to steer me in the, hopefully, right direction. I know that wearing a blazer or suit isn't necessary, plus I just feel so weird in those. I feel like a kid wearing mommy's clothes when I try to wear that stuff, and I knew that I'd feel uncomfortable at the interview. I'll be nervous enough, I shouldn't put myself in a worse state of mind because of the clothes I choose. In the end, I ended up with a really lovely outfit, that I will definitely wear again, regardless of what happens. I won't curse it for NOT getting me the job, if that happens. A nice pair of dark brown trousers, fit perfectly, a beautiful cream colored tank with light layers of fabric (sort of like ruffles, but not quite, hard to explain), a ballet pink cardigan with little flower detailing on the lapel, a long beaded necklace, and a pair of dark brown wedge heels. I feel feminine and pretty, yet confident and definitely age appropriate, and I don't feel like I'm trying too hard. The idea of dressing like this on a daily basis really feels great. I've never actually had a job where I could dress as I wanted. I've always worked in retail situations where a "uniform" existed. Sure, it's easier on the wallet when you wear polos and khakis, but you also lose a sense of "caring" as far as appearance goes. For anyone who has seen me at 5am at Sbux, you know that I just don't care. It's a little tough to try to pretty yourself up at 4 in the morning. You don't want to wear nice clothes because they'll surely be ruined by coffee, etc. It's amazing how the idea of a wardrobe or how you dress on a daily basis really makes you think differently about yourself...
I feel like a slob most of the time. Most of the time I'm either in Sbux clothes, workout clothes, or jammies. I don't dress like a "normal" person. I dress like a service person. Maybe if I took the time to put on some makeup or whatever, I might feel better about myself, but I think that would just mask the situation. I would like to have a choice about what to wear to work, other than "hmm, black or khaki shorts today?". I would like to look pretty. I would like to feel feminine. I would like to feel a bit more successful in my life. Sure, they always say "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have", but I can't wear nice clothes to Sbux. Doesn't work that way. It makes me jealous when I see these women coming in day after day in their little dresses, skirts, nice clothes...and there I am, covered in mocha and chai.
Jealousy is a good motivator as well. You want what other people have. I want a life where I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. I want a life where I can achieve the things I see in my mind's eye. I would love to be able to get up and go for a run before work, and have that NOT be at 3am...which is why that NEVER happens now. To live in the "normal" world would certainly be weird for a bit...trying to figure out if that's the place for me? Do I belong? Will I fit in? Isn't that always the question though...in every aspect of your life....should I be here? Do I belong here? Will they like me?
At least now, I can at least say that I fit in...the clothes. Still not sure of my place in this world, but honestly...who is?
Friday, September 3, 2010
What a difference 347 days makes...
That's right, friends. In 18 days, I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary of healthy living, and also my 1 year anniversary of no soda. (I had a dream last night that I drank a soda...weird.) I was hoping to get to 100 lbs lost by Sept 21st, but am not going to let that stop my celebration. Up to this point, I've lost 80 lbs, or 77, if you go by what the scale said this morning.
Those of you who are journeying along with me realize that the scale is a very powerful being. It, often times, dictates how you feel about yourself on a particular day. I've been beating up on myself since I got back from my month-long Pennsylvania excursion. I tried hard to stay on a good exercise plan and a decent eating plan, but things got dicey towards the end. And when I went down for my cousin's wedding, I imbibed a few nights in a row. So, I get back and hop on the scale, and it shows that I gained 6 lbs. Then a few days later, still going up...then by this week, it was almost 10 lbs up! Granted, I have not been helping myself. I've found it very difficult to eat vegetables lately. I've wanted sweets and bread, that's it. At least my sweets cravings have been satisfied with a ton of fruit, but only bread can satisfy bread cravings. BUT, the weirdest thing of all, I hop on the scale this morning, and it's down 7 lbs from yesterday, leaving me only up 3 from Pre-PA weight. I'll take it! My body must have been retaining a crapton of water, or maybe a 7 lb alien baby that mysteriously exited my body overnight. I try to do my best to not live life by the scale. But, as you want those numbers to go down, and your greatest fear is to undo everything you've done up to this point, it gets REALLY tough to see the scale "betray" you. You want to pick it up and chuck it out the window.
Fear is sometimes a good motivator. Other times, it becomes so great that it actually causes you to lose all hope, to give up. I've been somewhere in the middle the last 2 weeks. I certainly haven't given up, but I was not eating the way I should be, definitely indulging a few times too many. But the fear of returning to my former self definitely keeps me moving in a positive direction in the grand scheme of things. My fabulously motivating friend, GI Jane, gave me a great shoutout in her own blog this week. I expressed my fears to her and EOB about ruining all of the hard work I've done thus far. EOB knows this all too well. She's been battling the "fat girl" inside for years. Plus, as we're finding out, losing weight doesn't necessarily cure all of your ills. It certainly doesn't create happiness in all aspects of your life. Your problems are still your problems and you need to figure out how to fix them.
I mentioned "change" in my last entry, and ranted on and on about how change is good and how I need to take the steps to change my life. As most of you know, I'm currently working at Sbux, and on Nov 17th, it will be my 7 yr anniversary with them. I have been mentally ready to get out of there for 2 years. But I have never taken the steps to actually get out. I need a change of scenery. I need a new set of challenges. As I have no intentions of moving into management at Sbux, there's really nothing else for me to do there, other than change my schedule and work a different day part. People are predictable, and most of them are definitely creatures of habit. You deal with the same issues day in, day out. It gets mentally exhausting to constantly be problem solving with people who really have no intention of letting the problem actually get solved. They will be miserable no matter what you do. You can't help them. You can say good morning, smile, hand them their coffee and let them get on with their anger-filled lives. It's amazing how after all of these years, you see the same people all the time and they act like they don't know you, or that they don't drink the exact same thing everyday. But then again, you're lucky to have people who take an interest in your life and make you feel like you matter. A little kindness goes a long way. I know that I am good with people, it's just that I need different people. I need to continue making positive changes in my life.
And somehow, someone out there was looking out for me. GI Jane took my resume and turned it into her HR department, didn't say anything, other than put her name on it as a referral, but certainly didn't butter anyone up. And to my great surprise, I got an email this week about how they think I'd be a good fit for a certain position and asked if I could come in for an interview. Now, let's talk about FEAR. My first instinct was to say no. Seriously. I know, you're thinking "WTF?!". But that's where I went. I went to that deep, dark place of "Why would they want me? I have nothing to offer." I don't find my resume to be particularly riveting, but apparently they saw something they liked. I also have a bit of a conscience problem. My thoughts immediately went to my friends at Sbux. I have a bit of a problem about putting everyone else first and myself last. I thought about how I didn't want to mess things up for them, how I know that I play a vital role in that store, even if it is just a warm body to open the door at 5am. I didn't want to cost my manager a chance at a vacation. I didn't want them to be stressed out for weeks until things settled down again, as I've been around through many "changing of the guard" at this store. It's rough. But Andrew made a good point, he said that I've been putting them first for a long time, and that everyone else who walked out that door actually put themselves first and really had no thought for me when they bit the bullet and left. And he's absolutely right. I am worth putting first for once.
I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited. I haven't interviewed for a job since I interviewed for Sbux almost 7 years ago....Ghosts was an audition, not really an interview and it was much more laidback than what I'm expecting next week. I want to show that I am a great person, smart, organized, and not just babble incoherently and resist the urge to get down on my knees and beg for a job. Plus, I need to go shopping. I have no clothes worthy of an interview. I can't imagine life where I don't get up at 4am. But I'd love a chance. I'd love a chance to show that I have a brain in my head and that I can do more than remember your drink and have it made before you get over to the end of the bar. So, next Friday morning at 10am, think of me. Think good thoughts and hopefully we'll have something else to celebrate come the end of September. :-)
Those of you who are journeying along with me realize that the scale is a very powerful being. It, often times, dictates how you feel about yourself on a particular day. I've been beating up on myself since I got back from my month-long Pennsylvania excursion. I tried hard to stay on a good exercise plan and a decent eating plan, but things got dicey towards the end. And when I went down for my cousin's wedding, I imbibed a few nights in a row. So, I get back and hop on the scale, and it shows that I gained 6 lbs. Then a few days later, still going up...then by this week, it was almost 10 lbs up! Granted, I have not been helping myself. I've found it very difficult to eat vegetables lately. I've wanted sweets and bread, that's it. At least my sweets cravings have been satisfied with a ton of fruit, but only bread can satisfy bread cravings. BUT, the weirdest thing of all, I hop on the scale this morning, and it's down 7 lbs from yesterday, leaving me only up 3 from Pre-PA weight. I'll take it! My body must have been retaining a crapton of water, or maybe a 7 lb alien baby that mysteriously exited my body overnight. I try to do my best to not live life by the scale. But, as you want those numbers to go down, and your greatest fear is to undo everything you've done up to this point, it gets REALLY tough to see the scale "betray" you. You want to pick it up and chuck it out the window.
Fear is sometimes a good motivator. Other times, it becomes so great that it actually causes you to lose all hope, to give up. I've been somewhere in the middle the last 2 weeks. I certainly haven't given up, but I was not eating the way I should be, definitely indulging a few times too many. But the fear of returning to my former self definitely keeps me moving in a positive direction in the grand scheme of things. My fabulously motivating friend, GI Jane, gave me a great shoutout in her own blog this week. I expressed my fears to her and EOB about ruining all of the hard work I've done thus far. EOB knows this all too well. She's been battling the "fat girl" inside for years. Plus, as we're finding out, losing weight doesn't necessarily cure all of your ills. It certainly doesn't create happiness in all aspects of your life. Your problems are still your problems and you need to figure out how to fix them.
I mentioned "change" in my last entry, and ranted on and on about how change is good and how I need to take the steps to change my life. As most of you know, I'm currently working at Sbux, and on Nov 17th, it will be my 7 yr anniversary with them. I have been mentally ready to get out of there for 2 years. But I have never taken the steps to actually get out. I need a change of scenery. I need a new set of challenges. As I have no intentions of moving into management at Sbux, there's really nothing else for me to do there, other than change my schedule and work a different day part. People are predictable, and most of them are definitely creatures of habit. You deal with the same issues day in, day out. It gets mentally exhausting to constantly be problem solving with people who really have no intention of letting the problem actually get solved. They will be miserable no matter what you do. You can't help them. You can say good morning, smile, hand them their coffee and let them get on with their anger-filled lives. It's amazing how after all of these years, you see the same people all the time and they act like they don't know you, or that they don't drink the exact same thing everyday. But then again, you're lucky to have people who take an interest in your life and make you feel like you matter. A little kindness goes a long way. I know that I am good with people, it's just that I need different people. I need to continue making positive changes in my life.
And somehow, someone out there was looking out for me. GI Jane took my resume and turned it into her HR department, didn't say anything, other than put her name on it as a referral, but certainly didn't butter anyone up. And to my great surprise, I got an email this week about how they think I'd be a good fit for a certain position and asked if I could come in for an interview. Now, let's talk about FEAR. My first instinct was to say no. Seriously. I know, you're thinking "WTF?!". But that's where I went. I went to that deep, dark place of "Why would they want me? I have nothing to offer." I don't find my resume to be particularly riveting, but apparently they saw something they liked. I also have a bit of a conscience problem. My thoughts immediately went to my friends at Sbux. I have a bit of a problem about putting everyone else first and myself last. I thought about how I didn't want to mess things up for them, how I know that I play a vital role in that store, even if it is just a warm body to open the door at 5am. I didn't want to cost my manager a chance at a vacation. I didn't want them to be stressed out for weeks until things settled down again, as I've been around through many "changing of the guard" at this store. It's rough. But Andrew made a good point, he said that I've been putting them first for a long time, and that everyone else who walked out that door actually put themselves first and really had no thought for me when they bit the bullet and left. And he's absolutely right. I am worth putting first for once.
I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited. I haven't interviewed for a job since I interviewed for Sbux almost 7 years ago....Ghosts was an audition, not really an interview and it was much more laidback than what I'm expecting next week. I want to show that I am a great person, smart, organized, and not just babble incoherently and resist the urge to get down on my knees and beg for a job. Plus, I need to go shopping. I have no clothes worthy of an interview. I can't imagine life where I don't get up at 4am. But I'd love a chance. I'd love a chance to show that I have a brain in my head and that I can do more than remember your drink and have it made before you get over to the end of the bar. So, next Friday morning at 10am, think of me. Think good thoughts and hopefully we'll have something else to celebrate come the end of September. :-)
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