For a few days I had been thinking about a blog post about my interviews, the act of interviewing, applying for jobs, blahblahblah. And right now, sorry, folks, that's not what you're gonna get.
SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you want to see the movie "One Day" with Anne Hathaway, don't read this post. You've been warned.
Okay, so now that THAT is out of the way...here we go...
Everything I need to know about riding a bike, I learned while watching "City of Angels". Wearing a damn helmet. End of story. Let's just say that after an hour and a half of seeing these two people go through almost 20 years of life as friends or more, BAM! We are hit with a very unnecessarily violent end for one of them. Needless to say, most of the people in the audience did NOT see that coming...and we all gasped and shrieked simultaneously. But besides that, I had already been crying over these two for quite some time. The movie was about these two people and it showed them on July 15th every year...where their relationship was, where life had taken them. They were clearly meant for each other, regardless of how poorly he treated her while he searched for himself. He made her happy. They were never quite ready to be together, but finally after many long years, they finally got together. The happiness lasted but one year or so...then they tried to get pregnant and it wasn't working and then BAM. The end of their lives together. She pulled a Meg Ryan and went riding without a helmet and was smashed by a truck...and they basically showed it. Not cool. But in the end, his dad gave him the advice to "live life as if Emma were still here...". He had become a better person, and tried to continue down that path without her. It was quite touching.
Then I'm all emotional, crying, thinking. A pretty bad combination. I made Renee stop by TT's to visit Andrew so I could say hi. OH yeah, and I bought a bottle of wine on the way home.
Movies always show such wild and raw love. Does that kind of love exist in real life? I don't know if I'd call my relationship so wild and raw. It's comforting, it's sweet, it's fun. Do I need that kind of reckless feeling? Do I need to stop being so careful (in everything) and just let go? In life I've always been cautious. I've never been one to take risks...and when I've managed to work myself up to take a risk, I've found rejection or failure. (It's ironic that I've chosen singing/music as my career choice, huh?) But even in my life where the risks might be emotional in nature, but in no way would I be rejected, I still don't open up completely. I play it safe. I don't want to be 100% vulnerable. I can't seem to surrender control. I really think this is one of my major problems. I want to be in control of SOMETHING. I can't just let the chips fall as they may. I have to manipulate, like a puppet master. I have to make things go the way I want them to...or at least try. And I get very worked up in situations where I have no control over what people think about me, or how things will work out.
Hmm. And now this leads perfectly into a discussion about the interviews. I have no control in these situations. First of all, it's very hard for a singer to go into an audition without singing. An interview is an audition without the singing. What the hell? Can't I just sing for you? You'll love me even more. I promise. You can't fabricate your resume. You can only go in there and show off the best possible you and HOPE that they'll agree that you are the best fit for their needs. I'm really glad I went to them. Sure, I'm disappointed that the first one didn't work out. I really enjoyed the women and the "feel" in the office. But to be honest, the hardest part is that I saw an escape from Sbux....I saw the light at the end of that tunnel...and then it was gone. It was like I could taste it, I could feel it...and then...POOF. Gone. Will there be others? I certainly hope so.
I must continue to take risks. I must take those scary steps if I want to improve my life. I want to be happy. All of the time. I get trapped in negative thoughts...then end up letting those thoughts out. I know it's a drag. I know it sucks to be the one listening to it. And to those friends who hear it...I'm sorry. I'm extremely sorry for bringing you down. I don't know why I do it. And I also don't know why I can't stop it. I'm scared. I'm scared of success. I'm scared to change my life. I'm scared of the unknown. And the only way I know how to deal with it is sarcastic "humor"...I know. It's not funny. It's not cute. I have to change. But...how?
*sigh*
People may think I have my stuff together...but I certainly do not. I should. But I don't...
I've talked about this fear of success before, I think, in reference to my weight. I'm afraid to actually let go of this "persona" that I've created and lived in my entire life. Even though I've shed about 70 lbs, I'm still trapped by that girl. I am afraid to let myself become the best possible me. I'm scared to be completely happy. What happens then? I don't know if I'll ever know.
Will I ever allow myself to have everything I've ever wanted? Or will I continue to live a life of partial happiness and filled with regret?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
The Pursuit of Happiness
"Why do we do these things to ourselves?"
That question was posed to be by a very wise, delightful woman. And I can't help but bounce it around in my head. Is it human nature to want to suffer? Do we want to be the martyr in every situation to attempt to gain sympathy? We put ourselves into situations that won't necessarily make our lives happier, healthier or better in any way. We stay in jobs that make us unhappy for far too long. We surround ourselves with people who drag us down because it's easier than cutting them out of our lives. We try to comfort ourselves with unhealthy food to feel better in the moment, but in the end, we gain weight and feel worse about ourselves. We stay in unhappy relationships out of convenience. Or worse yet, we distance ourselves from potential relationships so that we don't have to open our hearts and the risk of being hurt. Again.
Most of us would never treat anyone else the way that we treat ourselves.
This same lady said that we should focus on ways to increase the joy in our lives. True. We should definitely do more things for ourselves, putting ourselves first. I feel like I've been getting better at this. I've been going swimming, taking tap class. And while I've been away, I've been singing more, and did some exercising, all while trying to make good choices as far as food goes. For me, I know that my main focus needs to be finding a new job. My problems certainly will not be solved completely by getting a new job, but I could use a change, a challenge. I can only control my own actions, so trying to change other people certainly won't make things better. Andrew has been unemployed now for almost 6 months. It's been hard as he's picked up some freelance work and has gotten himself into this weird night owl schedule. We never seem to see each other or spend time together because he's sleeping when I'm not at home and I'm sleeping when he's awake. I'm really hoping that he'll be able to break out of this cycle. I know he's trying and I know it's hard, but it's kind of taxing on our relationship. I don't want the idea of waking up to be a hard thing for him if/when he gets a new job. He has a hard enough time waking up. So while I'm trying to find a job of my own, I'm also worried about him. I want good things for him, obviously. I guess what I'm saying is that in a situation such as this, it's very hard to be completely happy and create joy in your life when things are out of your control. We can't MAKE someone hire him. We can't MAKE someone hire me.
Think about the things that make you happy. How can you incorporate more of that into your life?
For me...things that make me happy, in no particular order...
-singing/acting
-dancing
-running/swimming
-spending time with Andrew/friends
-learning/reading
-travel
-cooking
Looking at this list, I see things that I've already managed to incorporate into my weekly, if not almost daily, life. It'll be a little more difficult to get to go swimming once the summer hours are over. (Honestly, I'm a little nervous about the idea of swimming laps in a crowded lap pool.) These 2 weeks away from my normal schedule are always good for me, a chance to get out of that rut I've been in. I always manage to watch less TV while I'm away, which is ALWAYS good. I really need to stop just putting it on for background noise. Finding ways to use my time better is a great idea. I'm really hoping to get a role in Sweeney Todd this fall, it'll give me a lot of music/lines to learn, I'll have rehearsals to go to, and it'll keep me very busy. And sure, I'll be busy...but i'll be doing stuff I enjoy doing...not just wasting my time away watching shitty TV and whining about my crappy job. Once it gets cooler, I"ll be cooking more. Our oven pumps out so much heat that it's really tough to try and use it in the summertime. The only thing on this list that'll be hard to come by is "travel". Unfortunately, you need money to travel. But I suppose I could try to explore Boston and the surrounding areas a bit more.
How will you make your life better? We're all in this together. Let's commit to living life instead of just going through the motions.
That question was posed to be by a very wise, delightful woman. And I can't help but bounce it around in my head. Is it human nature to want to suffer? Do we want to be the martyr in every situation to attempt to gain sympathy? We put ourselves into situations that won't necessarily make our lives happier, healthier or better in any way. We stay in jobs that make us unhappy for far too long. We surround ourselves with people who drag us down because it's easier than cutting them out of our lives. We try to comfort ourselves with unhealthy food to feel better in the moment, but in the end, we gain weight and feel worse about ourselves. We stay in unhappy relationships out of convenience. Or worse yet, we distance ourselves from potential relationships so that we don't have to open our hearts and the risk of being hurt. Again.
Most of us would never treat anyone else the way that we treat ourselves.
This same lady said that we should focus on ways to increase the joy in our lives. True. We should definitely do more things for ourselves, putting ourselves first. I feel like I've been getting better at this. I've been going swimming, taking tap class. And while I've been away, I've been singing more, and did some exercising, all while trying to make good choices as far as food goes. For me, I know that my main focus needs to be finding a new job. My problems certainly will not be solved completely by getting a new job, but I could use a change, a challenge. I can only control my own actions, so trying to change other people certainly won't make things better. Andrew has been unemployed now for almost 6 months. It's been hard as he's picked up some freelance work and has gotten himself into this weird night owl schedule. We never seem to see each other or spend time together because he's sleeping when I'm not at home and I'm sleeping when he's awake. I'm really hoping that he'll be able to break out of this cycle. I know he's trying and I know it's hard, but it's kind of taxing on our relationship. I don't want the idea of waking up to be a hard thing for him if/when he gets a new job. He has a hard enough time waking up. So while I'm trying to find a job of my own, I'm also worried about him. I want good things for him, obviously. I guess what I'm saying is that in a situation such as this, it's very hard to be completely happy and create joy in your life when things are out of your control. We can't MAKE someone hire him. We can't MAKE someone hire me.
Think about the things that make you happy. How can you incorporate more of that into your life?
For me...things that make me happy, in no particular order...
-singing/acting
-dancing
-running/swimming
-spending time with Andrew/friends
-learning/reading
-travel
-cooking
Looking at this list, I see things that I've already managed to incorporate into my weekly, if not almost daily, life. It'll be a little more difficult to get to go swimming once the summer hours are over. (Honestly, I'm a little nervous about the idea of swimming laps in a crowded lap pool.) These 2 weeks away from my normal schedule are always good for me, a chance to get out of that rut I've been in. I always manage to watch less TV while I'm away, which is ALWAYS good. I really need to stop just putting it on for background noise. Finding ways to use my time better is a great idea. I'm really hoping to get a role in Sweeney Todd this fall, it'll give me a lot of music/lines to learn, I'll have rehearsals to go to, and it'll keep me very busy. And sure, I'll be busy...but i'll be doing stuff I enjoy doing...not just wasting my time away watching shitty TV and whining about my crappy job. Once it gets cooler, I"ll be cooking more. Our oven pumps out so much heat that it's really tough to try and use it in the summertime. The only thing on this list that'll be hard to come by is "travel". Unfortunately, you need money to travel. But I suppose I could try to explore Boston and the surrounding areas a bit more.
How will you make your life better? We're all in this together. Let's commit to living life instead of just going through the motions.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Time Machine
I imagine that marching band would've been a whole lot easier for me if I had been the size I am now, or more importantly, exercising regularly. I recall the terrible shin splints I had during my freshman year band camp at IUP from marching band and forth, rolling those heels. Dear God. I wanted to be shot. Seriously. I couldn't roll anymore because the muscles had tensed up so much...and we were in a "drill up" situation, where you had to keep marching if you weren't doing it right. I remember tears streaming down my face because I was in so much pain, but didn't know what to do. Those shin splints never quite left me during band camp times at IUP.
Did I learn my lesson and try working out? Naaahhh. Why the hell would I? Life was SO much easier carrying around all of that weight, forcing my heart to work extra hard, being out of breath. *sigh*
I look around the field and I see kids that are obviously overweight, or just plain out of shape and I see myself. I see the pain and heartache that I lived with. I see myself, not being asked out on dates, not being the "pretty" one, hiding behind jokes and music. If I made fun of myself first, no one else could. I didn't necessarily need to be athletic to excel at music. I could be successful and make a "name" for myself. And I couldn't be told I wasn't good enough.
I wish I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now, and create a better youth for myself. I can only hope that I'll take what I've learned and if we have kids, pass it on to them. I can help them to have a happy, healthy life. I've had a relatively happy life, I'd say...but I do know that had I taken better care of myself as a kid, I probably would've been happier. Not saying that everything was determined by my weight, but high school boys aren't interested in the fat girl...neither are most college guys, for that matter. I never had the confidence that someone would want to date me for me...I always blamed it on my weight. Maybe that was true. I have no idea. It's not like years later I'm receiving all of these "oh, i had a crush on you" messages or anything...(does anyone get those? haha)
Even though I've struggled lately, I know that my choices will give me a happier, healthier life. I can't go back...and neither can you. We can only move forward. The future is unknown, the future is scary, but it's unwritten. You can make it whatever you want it to be...
Did I learn my lesson and try working out? Naaahhh. Why the hell would I? Life was SO much easier carrying around all of that weight, forcing my heart to work extra hard, being out of breath. *sigh*
I look around the field and I see kids that are obviously overweight, or just plain out of shape and I see myself. I see the pain and heartache that I lived with. I see myself, not being asked out on dates, not being the "pretty" one, hiding behind jokes and music. If I made fun of myself first, no one else could. I didn't necessarily need to be athletic to excel at music. I could be successful and make a "name" for myself. And I couldn't be told I wasn't good enough.
I wish I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now, and create a better youth for myself. I can only hope that I'll take what I've learned and if we have kids, pass it on to them. I can help them to have a happy, healthy life. I've had a relatively happy life, I'd say...but I do know that had I taken better care of myself as a kid, I probably would've been happier. Not saying that everything was determined by my weight, but high school boys aren't interested in the fat girl...neither are most college guys, for that matter. I never had the confidence that someone would want to date me for me...I always blamed it on my weight. Maybe that was true. I have no idea. It's not like years later I'm receiving all of these "oh, i had a crush on you" messages or anything...(does anyone get those? haha)
Even though I've struggled lately, I know that my choices will give me a happier, healthier life. I can't go back...and neither can you. We can only move forward. The future is unknown, the future is scary, but it's unwritten. You can make it whatever you want it to be...
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