I had a physical at the end of July, had some routine blood work done, and besides a cholesterol level that is a little higher than it should be, I'm doing pretty well. My husband was having some issues and went to the doctor and 3 weeks later, had his gall bladder removed. Today, we went to HIS physical. The doctor had asked that I be there. We weren't sure why but assumed that it would be to talk to him about his weight and that I be there as a support system.
Well, HIS talk turned into OUR talk.
Contrary to popular belief, this doctor was NOT a giant douche bag when it came to this discussion. He's a cool guy and easy to talk to, and honestly, it's not like it's a secret that we are both overweight. He admitted that talking to people about stuff like weight or body odor is very awkward, even for a doctor. He doesn't like to make people feel uncomfortable, but wants to help. So, broaching the subject wasn't tremendously awful.
The good news is that in 1 month, my husband has lost 17 lbs. He was following a low-fat diet leading up to the gall bladder removal, had surgery, and also didn't eat for about 4 days.
I, on the other hand, probably gained at least 5 or more this month from choosing junk ALL OF THE TIME. I err on the side of cookies, cake, sweets, anything. I make everything a vehicle for sugar. Hello, iced coffee, let me put some chocolate syrup in you. Yum! I also don't just eat when I'm hungry. I reach for sugar in the time of need. If I'm feeling sad, I always reach to sugar for comfort.
The frustrating part for me is that I KNOW THAT I DO THIS. I can identify my problems and yet still continue to go down this road.
Over lunch, my husband suggested that maybe I see a therapist.
It sounds weird, but I'm afraid to see one because I'll have SO many feelings. I'll be a basketcase every week. And yet, it's probably a good decision. I know that a lot of my problems with food are emotionally based. I don't think that the doctor, or the nutritionist, will be dealing with THAT side of things.
So, anyway, as we were discussing this over lunch, I started to get really overwhelmed and crazy about stuff. My knee/leg is still an issue. I am in the process of seeing a physical therapist and am, hopefully, strengthening myself enough to start running again. BUT, I have to stop thinking so far ahead and just focus on the "here and now".
But, if I'm being truly honest here, I think that my main issue is that I already did this. I succeeded. And then...I failed. I failed myself. I failed all of my hard work. And I gained 50 lbs in 2 years. I am only about 30 lbs down from where I first began this "journey" in 2009. I let my laziness and my excuses win. And I failed all of those people who supported me. I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of doing all of this work AGAIN. These are the same goddamn pounds. I already lost them once. And some of these pounds, I've gained and lost a few times already.
I am overwhelmed. And I feel like I don't know where to start. But I know exactly what I have to do. I just have to choose to do it. I don't know if the nutritionist will help, or if the doctor will be an ally to us in this process. I don't know if I have the strength to do this again.
I like to think I have all of the answers, but in this case, I'm...lost.
