A very wise lady, on a journey of her own (making it to 75 lbs lost this week!!!), gave me some very sound advice. She said that this choice of healthy living is much like being in a relationship. At the beginning, you are very excited and you think about it all the time, you wonder how to make it better. But after awhile, you're out of that honeymoon phase, and it gets harder. You think about the way things used to be, you miss your freedom, you just want to do whatever you want. And that's when you decide if you're in it for the long haul, or if it's time to end it. If not, then you must find a way to rekindle the excitement you once felt.
This is a relationship that I don't want to end. I don't want to break up with myself. I don't want all of my hard work and energy to be in vain. I've been a good girl, but I've cheated. In this case, cheating isn't an automatic end to things, thank goodness. At the point I am at, I don't really use the terms, "I've been bad" when I eat something that isn't exactly healthy. I recognize that I won't eat healthy 100% of the time. If you can, congrats. I know that I won't. Although, my idea of unhealthy eating is very different than it used to be. But my tastes have changed so much that I really do crave fruit most of the time. Veggies are another story. I definitely need to find the excitement I once had for veggies. I really had a wonderful relationship with them for awhile. I dreamed of ways to cook them, how to try it next. And then I just abandoned them, not completely, but enough that I bet they noticed. I got bored with them. I didn't even seek counseling with them!
Rekindling my love for exercise is another story. I read magazines and websites galore about exercise, how to do it better, faster, longer, stronger. I talk about running. I think about running. I see my shoes sitting there. I think about it all morning while I'm at work, and then when I'm finally free, I come home...I see my shoes...I walk past them and I sit down on the couch. And the next thing I know, I've fallen asleep and it's dark outside. Running in the dark is not the problem, I don't mind that, it's that it's difficult when it's snowy and icy. At least during the day, I can SEE the icy death that is ahead of me.
I certainly don't need help making excuses for myself, I'm really good at that. I need help remembering why I am doing this.
I've seen friends have serious health scares due to their weight. I've seen my family members live their lives heavy, yet unable to do a lot of things. I've seen strangers struggling through the day, caring the burden of their weight. But most of all, I've felt the burden. I've missed out on a lot of things due to my weight. I've suffered with low self-esteem, been rejected more times that I can remember, and felt like there was nothing I could do to change things. But there IS something I can do...I can choose to eat better food. REAL food. I can get off my butt and move. I can go to the actual, physical gym and use the membership that I'm paying for. (granted it's only $10 a month, but it's still money that I'm wasting if I don't go.) I can use the tools I have at home, yoga DVD, balance ball DVD, Women's Health Toning Station. I can support my friends and reach out for their support when I need it. I can blog about my feelings and know that I'm not alone, even though I may feel like I am.
January always brings resolutions galore, and with it, new fat shows on TV. I've been a fan of The Biggest Loser for a long time, but it's getting old right now. I'm not finding the motivation in the show right now, and it's just the same. Nothing new. Booooring. I've taken to watching Heavy on A&E and I Used to Be Fat on MTV. Heavy is interesting because it focuses on 2 people during the hour, showing their 3 or 6 month journey (can't remember), spending time away from their families to start, and then returning to real life and how/if they can be successful. And I Used to Be Fat focuses on teens, usually seniors in high school, who spend almost 4 months working out, trying to lose weight before they enter college. These shows are certainly not showing what it's like in the real world, as most of these people are working out all the time, just like on Biggest Loser. But it shows a different perspective, I suppose.
I posted my own Biggest Loser moment photo on Boston.com this week. I am proud of my accomplishments, even though I know I still have a ways to go. I am proud of my friends, who are currently on their own journeys, making those changes everyday, losing weight, feeling better, and being inspirations to people in their lives. A shoutout to an old singer friend of mine who hit her Weight Watchers goal this week and officially became a Lifetime member and started her own blog. Another friend is thinking about starting her own running program. Another friend has entered a fitness competition and has transformed her entire diet and been working out like a fiend and continues to amaze with her strength! And yet another friend has been slowing building her running back up following an injury and adds a little bit of distance every week, showing that patience is key in this game.
I am very lucky to have inspiration coming at me from all over. How do I NOT rekindle my own love for myself with this kind of power surrounding me??
Get out there. Do it.
I am worth it.
And so are you.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Stuck
I signed up for the Hyannis 10K, which happens on February 27th. Since signing up, I have run once. ONCE. For 1.5 miles. That's it. Sure, my excuses include going to PA for 5 days, another blizzard, and getting sick. Are these valid excuses? I haven't done anything for my physical self other than shoveling more snow. I am feeling stuck. I am feeling like I need to push myself to do something now. I had all intentions of doing stuff today, and then yesterday, I fell on the ice, crashed down harder than I thought I did apparently, and today am in a bit of pain. Excuses, excuses. Am I being "too cautious"? Will working out help or hurt at this point?
Now, that being said, I finally put myself out there and went to 2 auditions this week. I really felt good about the first one, but unfortunately, I wasn't offered more than an ensemble part. I'm disappointed because I think the director has a wonderful vision and the people seemed really nice. I am not mad. I did the best I could at that time, getting over a cold, and still doing as well as I did. I suppose I would just like an explanation of what went wrong, or what wasn't "right" for them. It's one thing if you bomb the audition, but when other people in the room are expecting you to be given something...and then you come up empty handed. It's hard. I'm not going to allow this to frustrate me or to discourage me. It's my first REAL audition in a looooong time. It's my first time out there in my "new body", with my new headshots and just a new outlook on what I am able to do. I used to categorize myself as a character actress or as a supporting role only. I went to a 2nd audition last night and I felt really good about it. My vocal cords are a little angry at me for putting them through the wringer on Sunday at the other callbacks, so there's a lot of mucus (sorry, TMI!) and it's making it a little difficult to sing without having to clear my throat. I'm hoping that it's cleared up by tomorrow night for the callbacks. I need to remember that I am a good singer, I am a good actress and I deserve to show it off. I am not trying to be vain. I hate feeling like I'm sounding like one of those puffed up singers. I know that I have talent, I just want to share it. I want to get back on stage. I love the feeling of performing. It's really like nothing else. I can only hope that things will work out the way I'd like them to...
But that being said...if I do get cast in this show, then I need to really buckle down and get serious about a workout schedule vs. rehearsal schedule. I will be tired. I will be busy. I can't use those excuses anymore. I can't allow all of my previous hard work to be a waste...I don't want to regain this weight. I don't want to lose the motivation I had...have...had. I feel myself slipping into bad habits. It's hard to eat badly when your cabinets and refridgerator is full of healthy food, but I feel like I'm finding a way. I've been drinking too much at work in the last 2 weeks. I've been eating too much crappy Sbux food. Why am I sabotaging myself like this?
Why do I have a fear of success? I create obstacles for myself. I create excuses so that I don't feel so badly about not achieving a goal. I make it "okay". And then I stew about it. And I get down on myself. Self-deprecating behavior doesn't help anyone. We all know that, yet we continue to do it. How many jokes do you make at your own expense on a daily basis? Do you call yourself stupid, ugly, fat, etc.? I know I do. And i "think" that i do it in jest...but I don't. Do I believe those things about myself? Do I think of myself as fat? Yes. I'm also really good at making myself feel guilty. And it's when I'm feeling guilty about not working out or eating well that I start with the negative self-talk. I am lucky. I have wonderful friends, family and a loving fiancee. And I have to focus on those things instead of letting my evil self-hating demons take over.
As Dori says...Just keep swimming...that's all we CAN do. Otherwise we drown. We drown in our own negativity. We drown in pressures from others. We drown in pressure from ourselves. Head up, eyes on the prize. Just keep swimming.
Now, that being said, I finally put myself out there and went to 2 auditions this week. I really felt good about the first one, but unfortunately, I wasn't offered more than an ensemble part. I'm disappointed because I think the director has a wonderful vision and the people seemed really nice. I am not mad. I did the best I could at that time, getting over a cold, and still doing as well as I did. I suppose I would just like an explanation of what went wrong, or what wasn't "right" for them. It's one thing if you bomb the audition, but when other people in the room are expecting you to be given something...and then you come up empty handed. It's hard. I'm not going to allow this to frustrate me or to discourage me. It's my first REAL audition in a looooong time. It's my first time out there in my "new body", with my new headshots and just a new outlook on what I am able to do. I used to categorize myself as a character actress or as a supporting role only. I went to a 2nd audition last night and I felt really good about it. My vocal cords are a little angry at me for putting them through the wringer on Sunday at the other callbacks, so there's a lot of mucus (sorry, TMI!) and it's making it a little difficult to sing without having to clear my throat. I'm hoping that it's cleared up by tomorrow night for the callbacks. I need to remember that I am a good singer, I am a good actress and I deserve to show it off. I am not trying to be vain. I hate feeling like I'm sounding like one of those puffed up singers. I know that I have talent, I just want to share it. I want to get back on stage. I love the feeling of performing. It's really like nothing else. I can only hope that things will work out the way I'd like them to...
But that being said...if I do get cast in this show, then I need to really buckle down and get serious about a workout schedule vs. rehearsal schedule. I will be tired. I will be busy. I can't use those excuses anymore. I can't allow all of my previous hard work to be a waste...I don't want to regain this weight. I don't want to lose the motivation I had...have...had. I feel myself slipping into bad habits. It's hard to eat badly when your cabinets and refridgerator is full of healthy food, but I feel like I'm finding a way. I've been drinking too much at work in the last 2 weeks. I've been eating too much crappy Sbux food. Why am I sabotaging myself like this?
Why do I have a fear of success? I create obstacles for myself. I create excuses so that I don't feel so badly about not achieving a goal. I make it "okay". And then I stew about it. And I get down on myself. Self-deprecating behavior doesn't help anyone. We all know that, yet we continue to do it. How many jokes do you make at your own expense on a daily basis? Do you call yourself stupid, ugly, fat, etc.? I know I do. And i "think" that i do it in jest...but I don't. Do I believe those things about myself? Do I think of myself as fat? Yes. I'm also really good at making myself feel guilty. And it's when I'm feeling guilty about not working out or eating well that I start with the negative self-talk. I am lucky. I have wonderful friends, family and a loving fiancee. And I have to focus on those things instead of letting my evil self-hating demons take over.
As Dori says...Just keep swimming...that's all we CAN do. Otherwise we drown. We drown in our own negativity. We drown in pressures from others. We drown in pressure from ourselves. Head up, eyes on the prize. Just keep swimming.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Passion
"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it."
The other day, thanks to GI Jane, I had a pre-job interview meeting. This guy at her company is looking for an Exec Admin and she talked to him about me and set up a meeting. I certainly wasn't super stoked about it, but was somewhat interested just to see what this guy was like and if I'd find something I liked. Unfortunately, I didn't. There's a great chance that I am not what he's looking for, which is totally fine. I'm absolutely okay with that. As we talked, the only thing that kept running through my head was "Why am I here?". He seemed a bit smarmy, if you will. Jane warned me of his deep breathing, extensive eye closing, etc, but it was still difficult to sit there and take him seriously. BUT, I will say that a few things he said really stuck with me. He was talking about IT and all of these things that I know NOTHING about, but kept going back to the idea of "Passion". He works about 70 hours a week, and without passion for his work, he doesn't know how he would survive, or feel that it was worth it. Yes. Absolutely, sir. I really have no passion to be an EA. I don't think that the full-on corporate world is for me. I don't know why it took a second visit to this place to realize it, but it's true. I don't know if I would be able to conform to this extremely quiet office environment. But I also don't know if I could do this job as this man needs. And that's okay. I am glad that I can admit that this isn't for me. Not saying I want to stay at the Bux forever, but for now, it serves it's purpose for me, and as much as I hate the way some of the customers make me feel, I do enjoy the interaction.
What am I passionate about? And how do I go about using those passions to fulfill my life?
I am passionate about changing my life. I am passionate about my friends.
I am not nearly as passionate as I used to be about singing. I love to sing. I feel great when I do it, but I don't push myself as I used to. Am I afraid of failure? Am I lazy? Am I afraid to put all of my heart and soul into something to only have it dissolve? Yes.
I am throwing my hat back into the audition ring this weekend. I am auditioning for 2 different productions of "The Secret Garden". I absolutely love this show and really hope that I am cast. This is the first time I'm auditioning with my new headshots and my new self. I really feel that I won't be turned away because of my size. I feel like I am in the normal range now and can only hope that it won't be about MY looks. I know that auditions are subjective and that it's rarely about ME. How do I look with him? How do I sound with her? Blahblahblah. But maybe, just maybe, I'm who they are actually looking for. :-) THAT would be a victory.
Sometimes I think that I'm doing things for all of the wrong reasons. Andrew and I had a pretty deep conversation this weekend concerning the early stages of our wedding plans. And we both realized that we were on the fast track to nowhere. We were trying to please people and were moving far away from "us". I feel like I do that in my life. I do things because I "should", or because I'm expected to. In this conversation we realize that our families play a large part in how we act, especially with them. Andrew gets into the "sullen teenager" role at times with his family. We know that our way of life is very different than other people. We don't own a car. We don't own a home. We get by, but aren't rolling in the dough. Despite all of that, we are happy. We are in love and looking forward to our life together. We try to stay optimistic about things, but reality often smacks us in the face. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for the way I live. Just because I don't have the material things that are "necessary" in life doesn't mean that my life is a waste. We like living in the city, or close to it. A yard might be nice down the road, but right now, it's not necessary.
There I go. Apologizing. Rationalizing MY life. It's MY life, get over it.
Why do we do that? Why do we feel like our lives, our choices aren't good enough? In essence, are we apologizing for ourselves? Is this a self esteem issue? And again, this brings us back, full circle to why I eat. Or ate. Nah, eat. I still emotionally eat. Certainly not as much as I used to, and not the garbage that I used to. But I'll still eat to feel better. I self-medicate. I eat when I'm bored. The good thing about not having a lot of food in the house is that I can't binge eat. Do I want to? No. But are there times when I want to say "fuck it" and just do whatever I want. CONSTANTLY. I want to do this for me. I want to learn to change. I want my brain to get rid of the messages swirling around in there. I've said it before and I'll say it again...old habits die hard. And as I see that things stay very much the same for my family, it makes me want to change my life all the more.
I live a few states away, but in this day of technology, you'd expect to be in touch with your family constantly. I am not. I've been in Boston for 6 1/2 years. And in that 6 1/2 years, my mom has visited me a few times, as money allows, but other than that, no one else has come to see me and my life. The wedding will probably be the first time that they see my day-to-day. It's hard to watch your family be so wrapped up and involved in each other's lives and feel like a complete outsider. Was it my choice to move away? Yes, indeed it was. I've been rather independent since moving to Indiana, PA to attend IUP. I never felt a pull to stay in Langhorne, PA. I made the choice to leave, and I suppose, by doing that, I chose to leave them all behind. I feel like I am that 2nd cousin at the family reunion that you don't really remember. And then there's my mom. She's much more negative than I ever thought. I didn't really notice it until Andrew pointed it out to me this weekend. Life is hard for her, i get that, but what mother wouldn't ask anything about her own daughter's upcoming wedding?! Is she mad at me for getting married? Does she think that life will hand me what she got? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not asking for money, I just want support. No one has money to give, I get that. I never once mentioned money to anyone. It's not like the old days when you got a dowry with your bride. Andrew and I realize that we will be scraping together whatever we can to have the wedding of our dreams. We won't be putting ourselves into major debt over it, but we expect to deal with that as we come to it.
I know that love doesn't pay the bills, but it certainly makes you feel better about yourself. Love from yourself, love from your friends, your family, etc. You can't expect to do everything by yourself. Everyone needs love, and transforming that love, spreading that love, sharing your passion with others is the way to better your own life.
You don't know it, but you've probably inspired someone to make a change in their life. Good job.
The other day, thanks to GI Jane, I had a pre-job interview meeting. This guy at her company is looking for an Exec Admin and she talked to him about me and set up a meeting. I certainly wasn't super stoked about it, but was somewhat interested just to see what this guy was like and if I'd find something I liked. Unfortunately, I didn't. There's a great chance that I am not what he's looking for, which is totally fine. I'm absolutely okay with that. As we talked, the only thing that kept running through my head was "Why am I here?". He seemed a bit smarmy, if you will. Jane warned me of his deep breathing, extensive eye closing, etc, but it was still difficult to sit there and take him seriously. BUT, I will say that a few things he said really stuck with me. He was talking about IT and all of these things that I know NOTHING about, but kept going back to the idea of "Passion". He works about 70 hours a week, and without passion for his work, he doesn't know how he would survive, or feel that it was worth it. Yes. Absolutely, sir. I really have no passion to be an EA. I don't think that the full-on corporate world is for me. I don't know why it took a second visit to this place to realize it, but it's true. I don't know if I would be able to conform to this extremely quiet office environment. But I also don't know if I could do this job as this man needs. And that's okay. I am glad that I can admit that this isn't for me. Not saying I want to stay at the Bux forever, but for now, it serves it's purpose for me, and as much as I hate the way some of the customers make me feel, I do enjoy the interaction.
What am I passionate about? And how do I go about using those passions to fulfill my life?
I am passionate about changing my life. I am passionate about my friends.
I am not nearly as passionate as I used to be about singing. I love to sing. I feel great when I do it, but I don't push myself as I used to. Am I afraid of failure? Am I lazy? Am I afraid to put all of my heart and soul into something to only have it dissolve? Yes.
I am throwing my hat back into the audition ring this weekend. I am auditioning for 2 different productions of "The Secret Garden". I absolutely love this show and really hope that I am cast. This is the first time I'm auditioning with my new headshots and my new self. I really feel that I won't be turned away because of my size. I feel like I am in the normal range now and can only hope that it won't be about MY looks. I know that auditions are subjective and that it's rarely about ME. How do I look with him? How do I sound with her? Blahblahblah. But maybe, just maybe, I'm who they are actually looking for. :-) THAT would be a victory.
Sometimes I think that I'm doing things for all of the wrong reasons. Andrew and I had a pretty deep conversation this weekend concerning the early stages of our wedding plans. And we both realized that we were on the fast track to nowhere. We were trying to please people and were moving far away from "us". I feel like I do that in my life. I do things because I "should", or because I'm expected to. In this conversation we realize that our families play a large part in how we act, especially with them. Andrew gets into the "sullen teenager" role at times with his family. We know that our way of life is very different than other people. We don't own a car. We don't own a home. We get by, but aren't rolling in the dough. Despite all of that, we are happy. We are in love and looking forward to our life together. We try to stay optimistic about things, but reality often smacks us in the face. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for the way I live. Just because I don't have the material things that are "necessary" in life doesn't mean that my life is a waste. We like living in the city, or close to it. A yard might be nice down the road, but right now, it's not necessary.
There I go. Apologizing. Rationalizing MY life. It's MY life, get over it.
Why do we do that? Why do we feel like our lives, our choices aren't good enough? In essence, are we apologizing for ourselves? Is this a self esteem issue? And again, this brings us back, full circle to why I eat. Or ate. Nah, eat. I still emotionally eat. Certainly not as much as I used to, and not the garbage that I used to. But I'll still eat to feel better. I self-medicate. I eat when I'm bored. The good thing about not having a lot of food in the house is that I can't binge eat. Do I want to? No. But are there times when I want to say "fuck it" and just do whatever I want. CONSTANTLY. I want to do this for me. I want to learn to change. I want my brain to get rid of the messages swirling around in there. I've said it before and I'll say it again...old habits die hard. And as I see that things stay very much the same for my family, it makes me want to change my life all the more.
I live a few states away, but in this day of technology, you'd expect to be in touch with your family constantly. I am not. I've been in Boston for 6 1/2 years. And in that 6 1/2 years, my mom has visited me a few times, as money allows, but other than that, no one else has come to see me and my life. The wedding will probably be the first time that they see my day-to-day. It's hard to watch your family be so wrapped up and involved in each other's lives and feel like a complete outsider. Was it my choice to move away? Yes, indeed it was. I've been rather independent since moving to Indiana, PA to attend IUP. I never felt a pull to stay in Langhorne, PA. I made the choice to leave, and I suppose, by doing that, I chose to leave them all behind. I feel like I am that 2nd cousin at the family reunion that you don't really remember. And then there's my mom. She's much more negative than I ever thought. I didn't really notice it until Andrew pointed it out to me this weekend. Life is hard for her, i get that, but what mother wouldn't ask anything about her own daughter's upcoming wedding?! Is she mad at me for getting married? Does she think that life will hand me what she got? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not asking for money, I just want support. No one has money to give, I get that. I never once mentioned money to anyone. It's not like the old days when you got a dowry with your bride. Andrew and I realize that we will be scraping together whatever we can to have the wedding of our dreams. We won't be putting ourselves into major debt over it, but we expect to deal with that as we come to it.
I know that love doesn't pay the bills, but it certainly makes you feel better about yourself. Love from yourself, love from your friends, your family, etc. You can't expect to do everything by yourself. Everyone needs love, and transforming that love, spreading that love, sharing your passion with others is the way to better your own life.
You don't know it, but you've probably inspired someone to make a change in their life. Good job.
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