Underneath the wagon...

I haven't just fallen off of the wagon, I think I got run over by said wagon. The last 4 months have been the most stressful and yet, the most wonderful of my life.

On October 7th, I got married. It was such a beautiful, honest, fun, exhilarating day. I do not regret anything about that day. It was so amazing and I felt more beautiful that day than I ever have in my life.  Of course, I could've worked out more (at all), done push-ups to tone my arms, etc, etc. But, I didn't. And I was still a beautiful bride. I was marrying my best friend, surrounded by my friends and family and I was as happy as one person could possibly be.

I am still struggling with living in the "real world", as far as working a job with normal-people hours. I have about an hour commute to and from work, and that seriously eats up my day. For the last month, we were running around getting ready for a HUGE event. Working 70 hour weeks. Rewarding ourselves with pastrami sandwiches and cookies. I am on my feet all day and honestly, the last thing I want to do when I come home is work out or run. I also find it very difficult to eat properly at work. Often times, I'll bring far less food that I should and I know that my body is going into starvation mode, just fighting me at every turn. If I took the time to prepare, I may be able to make more of the 10-15 minutes of "me time" I may get at work. I've been in this "new" job now for 6 months and haven't made much progress in the "getting back on track" area.

Since getting married, I have gained 15 pounds. Yup. My clothes are to the point of being tight and unappealing, again. And honestly, I can't wear most of the items in my drawers or closet. Luckily, I wear a costume at work, so I don't need to worry about that most days. But, I barely have anything worth wearing right now. 2 pairs of jeans that fit, kind of, but need that day of stretching out to really look not SO awful. They look awful, but not SO awful. I began comforting myself with food, joking about "stress eating" at work...with two men...who are losing weight, while I'm packing it on for all of us. I pull my colonial stay (like a corset) tighter and wish that I could wear it under my normal clothes and that it would make everything okay.

There was a time when my health was a priority in my life. Now, granted, at that time, I absolutely hated my job and found the only thing that I could control was my new-found love of working out. I got a thrill out of eating well, discussing it with friends, feeling somewhat self-righteous about turning down pastries and fatty foods, and watching the weight disappear. I felt good about myself. I felt good about the hard work I was doing. And then something changed...

I got lazy. I got complacent. I figured, "huh, I've done all this work, what harm could one cookie do?". One cookie turned into two turned into a whole box. I signed up for road races without training, thinking that my past experience would carry me through, and I ended up berating myself the entire time, effectively turning myself off of running for almost the entirety of 2012. I ran one race in 2012. I reluctantly did the Gobble x3 on Thanksgiving Day, having signed up a full 4-5 weeks ahead of time, with wonderful plans of training for this race. Hurricane Sandy, a Nor'Easter and a few other unforeseeable things crashed onto my days off and there I was, lining up on Race Day feeling inadequate and quite awful about myself. That morning, I tried on my Saucony running tights. They did not fit. You know it's bad when you no longer fit into your workout clothes.

And yet, here I am, a month later, having not changed a thing, and probably worse off than I was then. I certainly didn't make any changes of habit in the last month. I just continued to "stress eat", jamming anything I could into my mouth, and watching my clothes get tighter. This fight hurts so much because I had done so much to succeed before, and here I am, 50 lbs heavier than my lowest weight, on Jan 1, 2011. And only 40 lbs lighter than my heaviest in Sept 2009 when I began this epic journey. I am so disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I let this happen. I read every article that says that most people who have lost a lot of weight tend to gain it back within 5 years. I boasted that that wouldn't be me. I wouldn't let it beat me. I knew how it worked. I owned that "system". I had kicked it's ass. I had kicked almost 90 lbs of it's ass.

And yet, 2 years later...I am in that same mental place of self-deprecation and disgust. Why did I allow this to happen? How do I get back on track and leave the negative thoughts behind? Am I ready to do this again? I know what I need to do. I need to find the strength to do it. Sometimes I don't feel like I have that strength anymore. But I know that I need to do something because I feel awful. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

This blog used to be a place for me to express anything and everything regarding this journey. I neglected it. I neglected myself. And through all of it, I didn't neglect the ONE thing that I should have....food. Food is not my friend. Food is not a comfort. Food is fuel. Period. I need to get back to that place where I felt good when I was eating veggies and fruit and could feel full on one plateful. I don't want to be one of those New Year's Resolution people who fail by January 15. I can't help that the calendar says December 26th. I just need a fresh start. I need to regain my life and remember why I did this in the first place...

Fach This

I walked into my voice lesson in 2 years as a mezzo-soprano.

Within 5 minutes of singing, I was no longer considered one.

This is terrifying. And exciting. And mind-blowing.

As a singer, you are your fach. Your fach defines you. (Fach is your vocal designation, mezzo-soprano, lyric coloratura soprano, etc.)You have to find a place to "fit" into the operatic world. Many times your fach and your body may not match, so people tell you to change your body, or you'll be lucky and they'll "adapt" to you because you're the right voice. For a long time, I had no idea what I should be singing. We tried everything. Handel to Mozart to Rossini to Verdi, and nothing really worked. I had a lot of technical issues that needed to be fixed, and after they were, we settled in on "dramatic mezzo-soprano" rep.

I vaguely remember Anna saying that she didn't think I was a mezzo many years ago, but I chose to ignore her. I AM A MEZZO!!!! Maybe she's a psychic. Or she obviously heard something that I could not, or would not.

In the last year or so, I have noticed some changes in my voice, but thought that maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was making the placement wrong, which is why it feels that way in my middle voice, or whatever. I wasn't listening to my body. But, I was noticing that my upper register was very full and very easy. Weird, especially for a gal who had a hard time singing above an A for most of her life.

I am having an interesting time processing this information. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? probably. Is this going to be good for me? Yes. I expected that I would be hoarse after a full hour's worth of operatic singing, which I haven't done in a long time. I felt good at the end of the lesson, and probably could've sang longer. And the scariest part about it was that the soprano rep that I was singing felt easy and felt good.

I'm supposed to buy the Adler Soprano volume. *sigh*

(But, I'm a mezzo...I have the mezzo volume...and all of those other mezzo books...and I know those songs...waaaahhhhhh...)

This is so weird. I'm a soprano? A DRAMATIC SOPRANO?!

Should I try to ignore this "designation" and just sing? Just sing my heart out, find what feels right and stay the course? Yes.

So, until then....I guess all I can say is...

Fach this.

Reminders

It's funny how the things you love find a way to creep back into your life when you've forsaken them.

Every year when I go to PA to teach at Tim's camp, I am reminded of all of the great times in my life that were spent in a band room. I loved to play the clarinet in an ensemble setting. I never really had the drive to be a solo clarinetist. It's been a long time since I played...probably at least 6 years...until today. While in PA, I made some copies of the Mozart Clarinet Concerto and the Weber Concertino. I wasn't sure if I'd actually use them, but I knew that if I wanted to, they would be there for me. I pulled the clarinet out of the closet and amazed myself by how quickly my fingers moved through the music, as if my brain wasn't even really "reading" it, that it was just THERE. The mind is an interesting thing.

I had also been doing some thinking about my singing lately. I haven't taken a formal voice lesson in over 2 years. I let the politics of community theater get into my head and make me question my abilities. I was not happy when I was singing. I wasn't loving the process anymore. I was finding it tedious, due to many outside factors. But, deep down, I love to perform. I know that. I want to sing, even if it's just in my apartment, or at Anna's house. I want to find myself again.

I went to see the Boston Lyric Opera perform with the Boston Landmarks Orchestra at the Hatch Shell the other night. I saw a dear friend of mine, performing with them, having worked so hard over the last 6 years to get to this point. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I know that I was far behind her in ability while at Longy, so I know that I wouldn't be at the same place that she is. BUT, it got me thinking, and made me realize that I truly miss singing. I also happened to run into our former voice teacher afterwards. It was almost like serendipity. I did some thinking on the way home and later that night, I emailed her and asked if she would take me back. I explained how I had lost my way and I just wanted to find it again. She helped me once, she built me up after I had been beaten down so badly. I'm hoping that she'll be able to guide me again.

I am lucky to have a job that is creative and theatrical, but I am not used to a theatrical production that doesn't involve music. And due to the last few months of work stuff, and my upcoming wedding, I am pretty much "out of commission" until the winter at the earliest. I am hoping that I'll find something to put my creative energy into come spring, but you never can tell what the groups around will be doing. A lot of groups are doing very contemporary works and that is not my voice. I may also throw my hat into the local opera ring if there is anything right for me.

*sigh*

As I'm going through Bob Harper's "Are You Ready!" book, I came upon the "Me Time" section. This talks about making room for things to keep us grounded and better in touch with who we are and how we feel. I know that it is no coincidence that I have come to this "musical awakening" of sorts.

This week has been different for me. I have worked out 4 days already. I have been making time to do things that I love, I have been setting myself up to continue these things. I've made plans to take the ballet class and the kickboxing class that I took last fall. I am making my health a priority again and it feels good.

It feels really good.

"Are You Ready!" by Bob Harper

I've been having a lot of internal struggles in the last few weeks. Seeking motivation, fighting myself, putting up barriers, making excuses, causing myself to fail time and time again. At one time, I was my biggest cheerleader. I realized that these changes could only happen if I was 100% behind myself and if I truly believed in myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost that focus. I allowed life to get in the way. I allowed the excuses to pile up, and the pounds to creep back on. No one forced me to eat. No one forced me to lay on the couch. I made these choices. No one else.

I started reading "Are You Ready!" by Bob Harper, the not-as-angry trainer from The Biggest Loser. I ordered his "Skinny Rules" as well, and as good as that is, "Are You Ready!" deals a lot with mental baggage and how to let go and trust the process and to trust yourself. His book deals with what he calls the "Inner Compass", learning how to deal with emotions and how to allow yourself to feel. Many of us push our feelings away, squash them down, and then eat to feel better. I have been working on being more honest with people and not avoiding my feelings, but I also struggle with the whole "what if they think I'm a jerk?" thing. I used to use running as a stress reliever. I have a feeling that if I got myself back on track physically, my mental stuff would clear itself up. (or at least be better...) I feel like I have a short fuse lately as well. I'm impatient and demanding. I want things to happen a certain way, and if they don't, I get snippy. This is not a good way to live.

The introspective work in this book is going to be hard. I've managed to be rather transparent while writing this blog, attempting to forget that people are actually reading it. But, am I ever 100% honest? Of course not. None of us are. For whatever reason, we don't trust who we are, we don't trust our opinions or feelings enough to let them be heard. We don't want to hurt anyone else, nor do we want to be judged for our choices. I suppose that the only time we may be 100% honest is in the comfort of a therapist's office, maybe. I have never been to therapy, so I'm not sure about that, but do you let go, finally? Sometimes I feel like I'd certainly benefit from going. But, until that day, I'll attempt to be my own therapist.

This book asks me to look deep within and be honest.

Am I Ready?

Chapter 1 tells me to follow the Three R's...Relax, Respect and Reinforce.

If I can relax and trust the process, allow myself to feel a certain level of peace, it'll happen.

If I can accept my body as it is now and respect it as the vessel it is and will be, it'll happen.

If I can reinforce the good choices, my commitment to a healthier life, it'll happen.

Bob, you ask me if I'm ready. I certainly hope so. I need to be ready. I keep letting life slip away. I had this immense focus for almost a year and a half. In that time, I lost 85 lbs. Since Jan '11, I've gained back 35 of those lbs. I want to get to my original goal of 100 lbs lost...that means 55 lbs from here.

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to live.

Am I ready?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Fit Fright

18 days until my first wedding dress fitting.


AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


When I tried on my dress in the store, it was definitely too big. The consultant had it pulled with those clasps and stuff. SO, when I ordered it, we decided it would be beneficial to get the next smaller size. I really, really hope that I will fit into it. I haven't had the time to devote to working out in the last month. I just worked 18 days in a row, most of those days were 10-12 hour days. I am excited to have things settle into a routine, allowing me to focus on the other things coming up in my life. The opening of the museum was a huge milestone in my life, and as we are just beginning to learn how to run the site and how things work, it is stressful at times. I know that things will even out. I know that we'll eventually feel good about how things are going.

I am certainly excited to turn the focus on me. I have done pretty well of, at least, getting enough sleep throughout the last few weeks. Now just to add exercise back into the mix. I'm also wrestling with the idea of doing EOB's detox thing before my fitting. Is that extreme? If it was the type of detox where you don't eat food, it might be. But at least there is food involved here...just chicken, broccoli, peppers, carrots, a bit of yogurt and fruit for breakfast, but not much else. I'm slightly concerned about doing this all while wearing a stay, colonial costume, and it potentially being super hot out. ALSO, I am now on my feet for 8 hours a day. That will certainly make a difference for me. My body was used to being active for the entire work day, and when that went away, I gained some weight. SO, my focus is to get rid of that, plus more.

BUT, regardless of what happens, if it doesn't fit, I still have 3 months to make it fit, without them letting it out (if they can). I just need a ton of Spanx and I'll be ALLLLLL set.

In more exciting news, I booked our flight to Hawaii for the honeymoon. :-) I'm not going to give a damn what I look like, I'll be in HAWAII!!!!! I will want to be able to be active, maybe rent a bike, go snorkeling, climb a volcano, etc.

Life will go on after the wedding. That is not my deadline. That is just a moment in time, a great day, a day where I will be glowing, it will be captured on film forever. But I need to remember that I will wake up the day after the wedding, and be married, and continue living.

An active life is a better life than the life I was leading before. If I can remember that, I can do anything.

Cobwebs

If I hadn't worn my running shoes to work last week, I'm certain they would've been a bit dustier today than they were. I've been playing the "I'll convince myself that I'll get up early and run before work" game with myself as of late. I turned my alarm clock back a couple weeks ago, in hopes of forcing myself to get up earlier. All it has managed to do is forced me to snooze for an hour and THEN realize that my alarm stops ringing after an hour. Yikes. (Don't forget the one or two days that I just neglected to actually set my alarm altogether...luckily, my body clock is functioning pretty well and woke me up at the right time.)

My work hours haven't exactly been helping my "desire" to get back on the workout train either. I'm about to open a major tourist attraction in Boston, 2 weeks til opening, to be exact. I've been getting home around 9pm most nights. I eat dinner and go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. Should I work out when I get home? Maybe. But then again, it could keep me up for a few hours, thus throwing off my sleep schedule. I'm treading that fine line between obligation and laziness. What do I mean by that, you ask? Well, I am obligated to go to work, obviously. I do all the stuff I have to do for that, and so when I am at home, those precious few hours are usually reserved for decompressing, maybe puttering around on the internet, catching a quarter or two of an NBA game, having some dinner, glancing at my fiance, and then crawling into bed to get some sleep so that I'm not a nasty zombie beast the next day. The other side of that coin is laziness. By the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is work out. I want to veg out and veg out hard. As Julia Roberts once said, "we shall lay like broccoli", or something like that. I want to zone out. I want to forget everything that's on my mind...just for a bit.

And yes, I see you now, shaking your head, "tsk-ing" at me. We all know that exercise is a great stress reliever. We all know that a good run will clear your head. KELLYYYYYY, get off your fat ass and run!  KELLYYYYYY, get up and do that ass-kicking Bob Harper DVD, or the others that are still shrink-wrapped on the shelf! You will feel better! You will think clearer! You will be better! Smarter! Clearer! Better! Healthier! Prettier! Happier! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I get it. I do. I swear.

BETTER!

The aches are good. The pain is worth it. It builds character. It makes me remember that I'm human. It makes me remember that this is the only body that I'm given and that I should take care of it.

SMARTER!

I know that my mood is better when I exercise. I know that I sleep best when I've had a hard workout. No better sleep than after a hard swim, that's for sure. *sigh* I miss swimming. My brain works better. I remember things. I am sharper.

HAPPIER!

I bet people would like me more if I exercised more too. I can't say that I ever really experience that "runner's high" or exercise-induced endorphin rushes, BUT, I will say that I definitely had more confidence about myself, thus creating a potentially better person to be around, when I was exercising regularly.

CLEARER!

The next few weeks are probably going to be some of the most stressful of my life. I need to find a way to not let it eat me alive, thus turning me into this colonial tyrant that no one will want to be around. I have to focus on the good and the parts of this project that we can control, and not allow the other stuff to gnaw at my psyche.

SHUT UP AND DO IT!

I am full of excuses. We all are. There's always too much stuff to do, not enough time to do it in, yet most of the time, we probably just end up staring at a screen of some kind, be it TV, computer, fancy schmancy phone. We unconsciously cut ourselves off from the relationships that really make us happy. We allow all of this "stuff" to take priority over our friends, family, health, sanity. But why? Do we think that we'll be better people if we just send one more email, or "like" one more status, or read more articles, or check out one more video? I could easily squeeze in a 30 min workout everyday. But do I choose to do it? No, I do not. I choose to whine about it and feel badly about myself when I stuff myself in to my clothes in the morning.

NO, SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP ALREADY!

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I will make the right choice. Maybe I will find the motivation that has been eluding me for many months. I killed my enjoyment of running by signing up for too many races and not actually training for them, thus spending the race time beating myself up mentally. Not cool. No one else is going to cheer me on if I don't do it first, and yet, I spent the entire Jingle Bell run telling myself that I was fat, lazy, and a disgrace. Nice, huh?

But today was different. I threw together a new playlist, just for kicks. I hadn't ran for awhile, so I knew it was going to be slow-going. I knew I would probably walk more than I ran, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that my blue and green accented Asics were pounding the pavement once more. I didn't have any moments of negativity. I had a good time, even while my legs were being awoken from their slumber and were fighting back. I did it.

I did it.

Yes.

And I will do it again. Soon.

Renewal

The last few posts that I've made have been about me losing my way. Have I found it yet? Not completely. Am I hopeful? Absolutely. I don't want my wedding to be the ONLY reason that I'm trying to get back on the healthy track again. I can't really use that as motivation because once it comes and goes, then what? Life after the wedding has to be the focus. Feeling good, being energized, eating well, and exercising were all normal parts of life for me for about a year and a half. I lost my way.

My priorities have been out of whack. Work has definitely become #1 on my list, ahead of me, Andrew, our relationship, our wedding plans, my personal health, and anything else. Should it be #1? At this point, it has to be. The magnitude of this project is still so overwhelming (in a good way). We are about to open an attraction like Boston has never seen before. We are busting our asses to get this thing up and on its feet, but that also requires working on all of that stuff AFTER work too. My schedule is still feeling "new" to me. I haven't quite figured out how to make the most of my time. I allow myself to make excuses and avoid all of my normal "life" responsibilities. I am in the process of planning a wedding. I've taken on a lot of projects, but I am not giving them the attention that they need right now. Do I work best under pressure? Perhaps. Will it all work out? I'm sure of it. Am I beating myself up for no reason? Perhaps. :-/

I think we are all our own worst enemies. I can't manage to focus on the good things that I have or that I'm working on. I don't take compliments well and I certainly don't like to focus on my accomplishments. Is that weird? Even when I was doing really well with losing weight and was almost down 85 lbs, I still couldn't allow myself to be happy about it. I didn't want to be seen as vain or conceited. I do wonder if I had taken the time to sit down, REALLY think about what I had managed to do, and congratulated myself, would I have been able to remain on the wagon? Would I have kept that weight off and finally made it to 100 lbs lost? I will never know. Living with regret or constantly questioning everything will not allow me to move forward and get back to what is important.

I am a very lucky person. I have a wonderful new job. It is challenging, creative, fun, overwhelming, and everything I didn't know I wanted in a job. It's quite different going to work everyday, actually enjoying what you are doing, and truly feeling like you are doing something that matters. I have never had a job that I truly enjoyed or that I thought used my potential to its fullest, until now. Besides that, I have an amazing support system full of wonderful friends and family. But, most importantly, I am engaged to be married to my best friend. We've had a tough time of it lately, as our schedules have not coincided over the last few weeks for more than one or two nights a week. I've been much more social after work, and he's been picking up some extra work shifts here and there. *sigh*

My extra sociability hasn't really helped my exercise schedule, nor has it helped my waistline. The obvious solution would be to stop going out. The rational solution will be to make time for exercise in the morning before work, thus leaving after work for socializing or other stuff. Easier said than done, my friends. I've set my alarm back and just end up snoozing longer. Maybe I should turn it back MORE and hope that I get up in a reasonable amount. It'll be interesting to see how my body reacts to an early morning workout as well. I'm used to working out and then crashing, not going off to a full day's work. It'll be another adjustment.

Sometimes you just wish that everything would work out in the easiest way possible. But, I suppose if it were easy, I wouldn't appreciate any progress that was made...

Well, here's to positive thinking, well-laid plans, and dragging one's ass out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to remember how to treat yourself...

A Whole New World

First of all, dear readers, I do apologize for taking an unintended 3 month hiatus from blogging. Life gets in the way...of everything...especially if you let it.

Life has completely changed for me. I started my new job on March 1st. I am finally at a point where I feel "settled". (Our schedule will change again come late June, but for now, I'm good.) This is the first time in my life that I've had a job that is so creative, demanding and fulfilling, all at the same time. Yes, performing is certainly all of those things, but that is not my full-time job. And yes, in 2 short months, performing WILL be my full-time job. Maybe not the kind of performing that I had intended, but something to express myself. I've really enjoyed the creative process of this as well. It's been so neat to write scripts, build costume plots, hire actors, and learn so much history. I always enjoyed history, but was never SO excited about it as I am right now. I want to read, I want to learn, I want to be so knowledgeable and so "into" it. I just want to respect the history and respect the lives of these people. I hope that I'll be able to do that.

Having my daily life change so dramatically has changed ME a lot too. I am not under a constant "black cloud" of negativity. I just FEEL so much better about myself and about my future. Not saying that things are 100% amazing now, but I feel like a different person...or more like the person I wanted to be. I don't know if I fully subscribe to the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing...but in this case, I do truly feel like this came along at the right time, for us to be there to put together this amazing project. We are given an amazing stage and must respect it and the history to fully tell their, now our, tale.

That being said, with all of this change, I have found it really hard to fit exercise into my schedule. I've been a lot more social after work, around 6pm, meeting up with people. This has been great, except I've been doing that instead of working out. I've been trying to bring my lunch and eat better, but of course, I'm human, I'm not 100% committed to amazingly perfect lunches. Last week I didn't go to the grocery store and was "franken-dining" by the end of the week. Bad, bad idea. Regardless of what the smiling mom on TV says, Nutella does NOT make a healthy meal...especially when slathered on graham crackers. But it is all MY CHOICE. I have to remember that...

I was lucky enough to have a delightful birthday eve dinner with one of the most loving friends I've ever had and we talked about how to make these changes "stick" in our lives. We both want to lose weight and feel better about ourselves. We've both tried. We've both failed. We've had many triumphs and many trials. But we want to find the "right" thing for us. I've given out the advice that worked for me, but now I need to listen to my own advice. I need to make the time for myself. I need to make exercise a main component of my day. I need to focus on food, but in the way I did for at least a year. I've been down this road. I've deviated from the path that I set for myself. I've been happy about maintaining a 50-60 lb weight loss. BUT for those of you who've been reading this blog, you'll know that at one point I had lost almost 85 lbs. Since Jan 2011, I've put on about 30-40 lbs because of sheer laziness. I let rehearsals get in the way of my goals. I then let that laziness carry over into other parts of my life. I let myself eat whatever I wanted because I had lost a bunch of weight. It was okay. Really, it was. Go ahead, have that ice cream. Nothing will happen. You deserve rewards. Ugh.

Why do we make excuses for ourselves and our behavior? We eat our feelings. We hide our true feelings and push them down so far. We put on a brave face and say that everything is okay, even when it's not. No one wants to be vulnerable. No one wants to be seen as weak. But why can't we just open up and allow ourselves to heal? We can never fully move on or enjoy our lives if we don't forgive and try to forget. Yes, it may have been moments in our past, or people in our past, who have created these demons within us, but we must make the choice to forge our future. Find the right people to help you along the way, let them see the real you, and lean on them when you must and let them hold you.

It's okay to be vulnerable.

It's totally okay.

Negative Nancy

I found out that an acquaintance had asked a close friend of mine why I was such a "Negative Nancy". At first I was quite upset, wondering HOW in the world she could've ever thought that about me. But then the more this notion tossed around in my brain, I think I became MORE upset because IT'S TRUE. I've hidden behind this facade of sarcasm, cynicism and bravado for years. Why? Not quite sure. So, I did what any normal person would do...

I googled "How to stop being too negative". I came across a website called Succeed Socially.com. Yup. Now, at this point, as I begin reading the article, I'm still in denial, reading along, going "Nah, that's not...me....uh...no....huh...maybe....damn it!". I definitely have a HUGE problem with this. I think I'm more of the "subtle" type of pessimist, that I don't realize I'm doing it. I'm reading some more and come upon the "Signs You May Be Too Negative" section and see myself staring back from these seemingly innocent statements. The list included 10 bullet points...these 4 sum me up to a tee.

-You're always complaining about things, even it's in a rational, logical, "This is an interesting tidbit to mull over" kind of way.
-If someone suggests something you're really quick to point out why it won't work or why it's a bad idea.
-Sometimes you get this glee when you're being negative with someone else and tearing something down.
-If something is going well, you've got a dozen reasons why it actually sucks and won't work out.

So, after that difficult self-realization, I keep reading (i'm a glutton for punishment, apparently...is that negative? or just true? both?) and come upon the "Reasons people can be too negative" section.

-Life isn't that great for them at the moment.
-Someone hasn't had the greatest past, and it hasn't given them a reason to think the world is anything else than a disappointing, negative place.
-Some may use negative observations as a way to prop up their shaky self-esteem. They criticize things to feel better about themselves, whether to knock everything down to their level and/or to boost their ego by feeling smart and capable for noticing the flaws in things.
-Negativity can be used as a perverse coping mechanism. If you lower your expectations then nothing disappoints you. Or you may be mentally invested in the idea that nothing will work out, and your negativity unconsciously acts to keep things that way.

THEN it goes on to say that some people may view their negativity as a good thing...
-Some people simply fall into the habit of complaining too much.
-People can also rely on negativity as a crutch in conversations. They wouldn't know what to say if they weren't complaining about or critiquing something.
-Some of us picked up a negative style from people we knew growing up.
-Negative people can think they're being intellectual. They see noticing the flaws in things as a sign of perceptiveness, analytical ability, and honed critical thinking skills.
-Some people can be a little too rational and not in touch with their emotions. Negative information doesn't seem like a big deal to them because they're not tuned into its unpleasant emotional weight. It's just as valid a thing to bring up as anything else.
-It may be part of someone's humor. They may think they're being a clever, observational comedian or commentator by pointing out the flaws in things.
-People can associate being cynical and overly skeptical towards certain things with being 'in the know' and aware of how the world really works.


The more I read, the more upset I got because it was like I needed a goddamn checklist. Yes, uh huh, yup, bingo. Okay, so this isn't the first time I've heard this...it's just the first time I've HEARD this. I don't WANT to hear it. I don't WANT people to think of me this way. I guess I truly realize that I am becoming my mother. I think for me, it's a combo of a learned behavior from her and poor self-esteem. I haven't ever really been truly happy with myself and never had a true cheerleader in my life. You expect that to come from your parents when you are a kid, but all I heard was negative things, not necessarily about ME, but in general. My parents separated when I was 13, from then on, everything and everyone was out to get her. I suppose when you hear that all of the time, it's hard not to believe it or assume that's the way the world works. I spent most of my life being down on myself, not feeling good enough, and not ever really been able to accept my successes as real and true.

Wow. I've got some issues.

But even with all of this...I somehow managed to find Andrew. He's such a kind, loving, supportive man and I couldn't have ever asked for someone so right for me. He makes me see the joy in the world. I am truly lucky to have him. I have plenty of wonderful friends in my life as well and I feel like I have burdened them with this. So, if any of you are reading...I'm sorry. I guess I just haven't realized what I've been doing. I don't really have any idea of what to do or how to change this...but I'll try. The website suggests that I "bite my tongue". Will that change my actual thinking? Probably not. THAT is what truly needs to change.

This won't be easy. Not quite sure what to do or say...*sigh*.

Back on the horse...

I don't want to toot my own horn or start congratulating myself quite yet, but I've been doing pretty well with exercising and tracking my food for the last 2 weeks. I started using the website, Lose It!, and although it's not the BEST site I've used, it's certainly doing the trick right now. (I used Sparkpeople at one point, and Livestrong. I think they're both more comprehensive in food listings and whatnot, but whatever.) This one is almost like Facebook for health...you can have friends, you can see stuff that they've entered. It keeps you accountable, if you happen to have some friends. :-) I am lucky to have 2 that are using it right now. I'm also excited to say that I've lost 5 lbs in those 2 weeks. (Small victory--getting back into my "other" jeans, not my favorite pair, but the only other pair that I own and the ones that aren't wearing through in the thighs. Yay.)

I've been doing a good weight training circuit from the latest Women's Health magazine. I made myself get on the treadmill this week and do some walk/running. I've had this major disconnect with running. I have no desire to do it right now. I don't want to go out and run. I don't want to sign up for any races right now. I don't know what's going on, but hopefully I'll be able to solve that problem soon. SO, instead of just giving up, I decided to try some other avenues. I ordered a couple new exercise DVDs...
-Bob Harper's "Beginner's Weight Loss Transformation"
-Bob's "Ultimate Cardio Body"
-Bob's "Totally Ripped Core"
-Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred"

I just got them a few days ago and today, I tossed the "Beginner's" one into the ol' DVD player. Good Lord. Beginner, my ass. I mean, some of this stuff was ridiculous. He called them "squat thrusts", but I've heard them called "burpees". Yeah. Fuck off, burpees. I was moaning, muttering "Bob, you suck", as I hoisted myself up and down. I hung in there for the whole time, but there were definitely some other things that I couldn't do. For example...high and low planks. You are in push-up position, then you go down to your elbows into plank, then you go back to your hands in push-up. WTF. Tricep pushups? Right. My arms are NOT strong enough yet to do these things completely. And that's okay. Strengthening my arms is definitely one of my major goals, esp with my upcoming nuptials and my beautiful dress. I want my arms to look smokin' hot. :-)

And that being said, if I don't lose a single pound between now and my wedding, I know that I will look beautiful, but more importantly, I will feel beautiful. I found MY dress. It is perfect, for me. And even if I didn't have a beautiful dress, I'll have an awesome guy waiting at the end of the aisle for me. :-) But, I know that if I stay focused on MY HEALTH and not on what I'll look like, I'll probably have more success. My energy level has definitely gone up. I feel sated when I eat, even when I eat "healthy" foods. I also know that i need to focus on adding more fruits and veggies to my day.

But, all in all, I FEEL GOOD. I forgot what it feels like to feel good. I have a lot of things to be happy about right now. And as a wise friend has told me, time and time again, I need to just "let the love in". I need to revel in my successes and in my joys. I don't think that means that I'm conceited, does it? I think I do a lot of suppressing of my emotions because I don't want to come off as a bragger or an egomaniac.

And maybe sometimes I feel like I don't deserve success, or love, or happiness. I don't work hard enough to reap the benefits that I SO want out of life. I want to be a REAL singer. Sure, I sing. Do I practice? Not a lot. Do I learn about singing? Do I attend performances? No. Do I audition? Occasionally. WHy do I do this? Not sure. I recall in high school that I did the same thing with classwork. I never had to work TOO hard to get good grades. Was I afraid of success because I didn't want to stand out? Perhaps. I got to college and was still used to coasting by. I got decent grades, but never truly developed my potential. I sightread my way through 7 semesters of clarinet lessons. I practiced my stuff for the ensembles that I was in because I loved to play in the group, just not the solo stuff. I suppose my life could best be represented by an iceberg. The tip of that iceberg is what I've unearthed through actual hardwork and motivation. The rest of that iceberg is my true potential, and yet, I choose to let it remain below the surface.

How do I change? How do I focus? How do I make the most out of my life at the age of 32? How do I let the love in?