First of all, dear readers, I do apologize for taking an unintended 3 month hiatus from blogging. Life gets in the way...of everything...especially if you let it.
Life has completely changed for me. I started my new job on March 1st. I am finally at a point where I feel "settled". (Our schedule will change again come late June, but for now, I'm good.) This is the first time in my life that I've had a job that is so creative, demanding and fulfilling, all at the same time. Yes, performing is certainly all of those things, but that is not my full-time job. And yes, in 2 short months, performing WILL be my full-time job. Maybe not the kind of performing that I had intended, but something to express myself. I've really enjoyed the creative process of this as well. It's been so neat to write scripts, build costume plots, hire actors, and learn so much history. I always enjoyed history, but was never SO excited about it as I am right now. I want to read, I want to learn, I want to be so knowledgeable and so "into" it. I just want to respect the history and respect the lives of these people. I hope that I'll be able to do that.
Having my daily life change so dramatically has changed ME a lot too. I am not under a constant "black cloud" of negativity. I just FEEL so much better about myself and about my future. Not saying that things are 100% amazing now, but I feel like a different person...or more like the person I wanted to be. I don't know if I fully subscribe to the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing...but in this case, I do truly feel like this came along at the right time, for us to be there to put together this amazing project. We are given an amazing stage and must respect it and the history to fully tell their, now our, tale.
That being said, with all of this change, I have found it really hard to fit exercise into my schedule. I've been a lot more social after work, around 6pm, meeting up with people. This has been great, except I've been doing that instead of working out. I've been trying to bring my lunch and eat better, but of course, I'm human, I'm not 100% committed to amazingly perfect lunches. Last week I didn't go to the grocery store and was "franken-dining" by the end of the week. Bad, bad idea. Regardless of what the smiling mom on TV says, Nutella does NOT make a healthy meal...especially when slathered on graham crackers. But it is all MY CHOICE. I have to remember that...
I was lucky enough to have a delightful birthday eve dinner with one of the most loving friends I've ever had and we talked about how to make these changes "stick" in our lives. We both want to lose weight and feel better about ourselves. We've both tried. We've both failed. We've had many triumphs and many trials. But we want to find the "right" thing for us. I've given out the advice that worked for me, but now I need to listen to my own advice. I need to make the time for myself. I need to make exercise a main component of my day. I need to focus on food, but in the way I did for at least a year. I've been down this road. I've deviated from the path that I set for myself. I've been happy about maintaining a 50-60 lb weight loss. BUT for those of you who've been reading this blog, you'll know that at one point I had lost almost 85 lbs. Since Jan 2011, I've put on about 30-40 lbs because of sheer laziness. I let rehearsals get in the way of my goals. I then let that laziness carry over into other parts of my life. I let myself eat whatever I wanted because I had lost a bunch of weight. It was okay. Really, it was. Go ahead, have that ice cream. Nothing will happen. You deserve rewards. Ugh.
Why do we make excuses for ourselves and our behavior? We eat our feelings. We hide our true feelings and push them down so far. We put on a brave face and say that everything is okay, even when it's not. No one wants to be vulnerable. No one wants to be seen as weak. But why can't we just open up and allow ourselves to heal? We can never fully move on or enjoy our lives if we don't forgive and try to forget. Yes, it may have been moments in our past, or people in our past, who have created these demons within us, but we must make the choice to forge our future. Find the right people to help you along the way, let them see the real you, and lean on them when you must and let them hold you.
It's okay to be vulnerable.
It's totally okay.
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