I am my own worst enemy.
I treat myself far worse than any one person ever has. I berate myself. I judge myself. I constantly find fault with anything that I'm doing. I don't trust my abilities.
On January 1, 2011, I was at my lowest adult weight. I was feeling great about myself. I was happy. I was healthy. I felt invincible. And now, fast forward 2 1/2 years and I am 50 lbs heavier than I was at that point. I am unhappy. I am not exactly healthy. I am lazy. And I am fearful.
In May, I injured my knee at a dance audition. I was "getting back out there", auditioning for the first time since starting at the museum, over a year earlier. I realized that I was losing myself in my work and not allowing the musical side of me to ever really be seen. (Sure, I had gone back to voice lessons last August. But that has presented its own challenges that I'm sure I'll get to shortly.) Anyway, I went out for 2 different shows in a span of a week. I felt great about my audition, except for the part where I may have sprained my knee and couldn't walk. I sang really well, probably the best I ever have in an audition setting. But, alas, I was not what they were looking for. Not even a callback. This business is rough, even on the community level. No one knows me, so I don't get cast. And I also realize that my voice is a bit of an anomaly when it comes to community theater. I'm not cast in ensembles usually, unless the rest of the audition pool is big voices. They can't use me. I may get a supporting role, but due to my size, I'll probably never see a leading role. And I may be "amazing" and "talented" (according to other people), but if I'm not getting cast, there's obviously a problem, right?
Sometimes I wonder if I can even consider myself a "singer", or more specifically, an "opera singer". I am a person that sings arias from operas at her lesson. I have not performed in an opera in over 5 years. I have not auditioned for anything opera-related in, at least, that long. I was moved to return to voice lessons after a 2 year hiatus after seeing a friend of mine perform last summer. I hadn't been singing seriously in too long and needed to do that for myself. I've changed fachs. It's a bit of a mind-fuck. Having spent my entire life as a mezzo and then to be exploring soprano rep and learning how to use my voice all over again...it's quite a mess. I was told that singing is 90% psychological. And you bet I'm trying to sabotage myself with every bit of that 90%. I don't know how to trust the sound. I don't know how to trust myself. And when I feel like it's good, I also don't feel like I can say that. I get very self-conscious. I don't want to be seen as egotistical or vain, but I end up berating myself in the process.
Like many of us out there, I am very good at berating myself. I come up with new and creative ways to do so. And since I injured my knee, I've been especially good at it. IT'S AN INJURY. You can't rush yourself back to doing all of the activity you were before due to risk of reinjury. But, my mind won't have it. I just keep saying "it's an excuse", "this is why you're fat". No, the reason why I'm fat is because I choose Ben & Jerry's over fruits and veggies. (And because I "eat" my feelings.) I make excuses. And then I get sad about it and find it even harder to try and refocus.
And, in the meantime, I find myself at work all the time and not having the energy or the drive to do anything afterwards. I pull away from friends. I just want to be at home, quiet. (I suppose this is a normal reaction of a tour guide...but people don't necessarily understand that.) And again, the vicious cycle of self-deprecation comes up. "I'm a bad friend", "I have no friends because I'm a bad friend", "I'm a bad person".
As I write this, I'm amazed at how I can say these things to myself and keep allowing it to happen. I wouldn't let someone else treat me that way, and yet, I find it perfectly acceptable when I do it.
I was hoping that I'd feel better after saying all of this, but I don't think that's happening. *sigh*
I have a great job. I have a loving husband. I am lucky that my knee injury didn't require surgery. My voice is starting to bloom in ways that I never thought it would. I have good people in my life. I need to remember these things. I need to focus on these things to get me through the doldrums.
And maybe, just maybe, I should put on my knee brace and just see if I can jog a little. I miss running. I miss races. But most of all, I miss who I was when I was running.
