I pinned on my race bib. #115. I attached my race tag, and laced up my shoes. I painted on my nose, put on my cape, and I flew.
This morning I officially became something I'd NEVER thought I could be....a racer! I raced! I got in line with everyone else, and I ran my ass off. I definitely ran my fastest mile ever, 10:35 for the first mile, and ended up with a very respectable 11 min mile pace. My original goal for the 5K was to come in under 35 minutes....official time....34:06! WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! (Now, i will say that my Nike+ had some different numbers than the official race thing, so I'm confused about that. Longer distance, faster pace, etc. Maybe it was excited too...)
It was such a neat atmosphere, standing at the starting line with all of these costumed runners. Everyone running...many first timers, like myself. We ran up Mass Ave towards Harvard Square and we were just about at the Starbucks when the leader of the pack was actually passing us on his way back. Are you serious?! His final time was like 18 minutes or something like that. Holy shit. It's amazing what the human body can do. As we ran, GI Jane and Dayjobs were talking about how your body gets used to the strain you put on it and it responds by helping you. Dayjobs completed a Half-Ironman in the last few months. She's a freak of nature, but in the best possible way. The girl just wakes up and decides to hit a race, which she definitely did with a half marathon in downtown Boston one time, as I remember. Natural athlete indeed. I don't know if I'm a natural athlete that is trapped in the wrong body? Probably not. But, I do believe that I have the heart. And sometimes, that's more important.
Sure, I'll never win a foot race, but that's not what it's about. One of the great things about running is that you aren't necessarily racing against everyone else...you're racing against yourself. You race to improve your time, your stamina, whatever your goal may be. Maybe you're running races to collect the Tshirts. Nothing wrong with that, everyone needs new clothes. :-)
I came home from a wonderful post-race lunch and immediately signed up for my next race...the Gobble Gobble Gobble run on Thanksgiving morning. It's a 4 miler. I've recently started running for 3 on my "normal" runs and have pushed it to 4 on certain days. The next few weeks will be the perfect time to increase my mileage and get ready for this next challenge.
Even as I write those words, I still am a bit dumbfounded by it all. Me? A runner?
It was such a wonderful experience. I ran the whole race with GI Jane and Dayjobs (a surprise guest!). Dayjobs could have easily zipped ahead and beat us by a longshot, but she chose to run with us the entire way. It was really great to have 2 of my friends there to share in this momentous occasion. I was feeling good the whole time. and then as we were getting closer to the end, we heard a girl right behind us say, "Oh my god, I am going to do this! This is my first 5K!!!" And I yelled, and we all yelled and whooped it up. We rounded the corner, I spied the park where we began, and felt the tears welling up...seeing all the other superheroes chugging water and eating free snacks..and then that girl started sprinting around me....and something happened I took off. Hahaha. I sprinted towards the finish, towards a new me. And I looked up, saw Andrew standing at the finish line with my camera, snapping the photos I requested. I couldn't bring myself to smile because I had begun to cry. I was so overwhelmed by the moment. To the outsider, they were probably wondering what was going on with Mighty Mouse, was she hurt? What's going on? But I was caught up in the enormity of this day. This day that I never expected to happen. This day that puts me in a new category: racer. This day that gives me the fulfillment of accomplishing a goal that I had set for myself way back in April. I didn't sob. (I certainly COULD have...but I collected myself.)
This journey leaves me standing here, looking back at my progress, and feeling extremely proud. BUT, today really cemented that fact for me. I am allowed to be proud. I am not being vain. I am just marveling at what I have done. And as I close in on 100 lbs lost, that pride can only increase. Having gotten back in the food journaling game via Livestrong.com, I managed to lose some more this week, now officially down 86 lbs. I had been hovering around 80 lbs lost for awhile, had dipped to 85, then it was bouncing between 80 and 85 lbs lost for the last 2 weeks. I think we've passed that threshold. We'll see. But at this moment, I'm not super concerned with the scale. My accomplishments are bigger than any number on a scale right now. This success I had today is certainly a wonderful motivational tool. It just makes me want to keep going, better, stronger, longer.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me on my journey thus far. Everyone one of you took those steps with me and everyone of you crossed that finish line with me today. You made it possible for me to believe in myself. Your unwavering love and support is too much to fully grasp. I am humbled by your encouragement. All I can do is continue to make you proud, continue to fight the good fight, and continue to love myself as you guys love me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Reverse the Curse
I just spent the last hour watching the ESPN "30 for 30" film, "Four Days in October". It's an amazing retelling of the 2004 Red Sox coming back from a 3-0 deficit against the hated Yankees in the ALCS. As this series was playing itself out, we here in Boston were losing faith quickly, by the end of game 3 we had all but packed it in. We didn't want to admit defeat, but as every media outlet known to man was quick to point out, "No team in sports history has ever come back from a 3-0 deficit". Awesome. But, as we know, the Sox got it together and had a champagne celebration in Yankee Stadium, then going on to win the 2004 World Series. Bye bye Bambino. No more curse for us. :-)
Now, as I was watching this documentary, I was getting weepy in the appropriate places and when it was over was thinking about how it was pretty amazing what this team had accomplished. They did something that no one thought possible, maybe deep down, they too thought this impossible. They defied the odds and came out on top. They accomplished something that can never be taken away from them. The hard work, the dedication, the commitment. It was all rewarded with the ultimate prize in Major League Baseball...the World Series Pennant (and accompanying bling).
It won't be much of a stretch to say that I feel like I'm on a journey such as this. Many people discourage themselves (or others) from attempting to lose weight and better their lives..."it's too hard"..."I don't have time to work out"..."I've tried so many times before and nothing works, why bother??". When staring at this from the beginning, the thought of losing 100 lbs was so daunting. I figured that I would be back to my old ways within a month or two, as usual. But for some reason, I finally "got it". I made the changes, I stuck with them, I found a love for exercise, I crave movement and healthy food. I still find it hard to pinpoint WHY things are working so well this time around. I, like you, had tried to lose weight many times in my life and it never worked the way it should have. I wanted it to happen so quickly, without putting the work in. This is why I failed so many times before. But, somewhere, deep down, I must have believed in myself...but all the while thinking it was impossible. Seriously. And at about 85 lbs lost, I can see my original goal coming true. It's not elusive...it's not MY curse.
I suppose if you stretch out those 4 days that the Red Sox changed their baseball lives, it could be compared to my journey. I'd been down. I stepped up and took the challenge. Dave Roberts stole 2nd base in game 4, effectively giving life to the Sox. What is my Dave Roberts moment? Was it when I quit soda? Was it joining the gym? Was it when I lost 10 lbs in the first week? Maybe I'll go with the loss of 10 lbs in the first week. Early success really keeps you motivated. I've had a few home runs, a la Big Papi, and am about to hit another on Sunday (my first 5K!). The ups and downs of my 13 month journey thus far have not been nearly as extreme as the emotions felt in that 4 day period, but I too am seeking the ultimate prize. But in this case, I will hold onto this prize for the rest of my life. I am creating that life. I am extending it. I am making it more meaningful, knowing that I have worked so hard to make it better. Every mile I run cements the fact that I am a new person.
Although, like the Sox, I couldn't have done this on my own. Every player on that team had a job to do, and one by one, they managed to make this happen. Yes, you can say I've done this on my own, as I am not under the supervision of a nutritionist, dietician, trainer, or popular weight loss program...BUT...I certainly have not been alone. When I've been in a slump, people have cheered me on anyway, loving me for me...much like our beloved Sox. When I've been successful, I've still gotten the support I needed and then some. I'm lucky to have some "true fans" on my side...you know...the ones who still love their team, even when they've broken your heart time and time again. And in the end, you're rewarded for your loyalty...
"Reverse the curse". You know it well, it was on Tshirts everywhere, signs, placards, newspapers, everywhere. But it's amazing how at this moment, that means something else to me. Who knew an innocent viewing of "30 for 30" would bring upon such clarity and inspiration?? I am trying to reverse my own curse. The curse of obesity. The curse of being unhappy with myself. The curse of feeling like I had no choice. As hard as I tried to deny it, it was my own fault. I did this to myself. And I'm the only one who can reverse it. Reversing this curse would certainly lift a burden, not the 86 year burden felt by Red Sox Nation, but that of a 31 year old woman who spent much of her life on the sidelines wondering when it would be her turn.
Put me in Coach, I'm ready to play. ;-)
Now, as I was watching this documentary, I was getting weepy in the appropriate places and when it was over was thinking about how it was pretty amazing what this team had accomplished. They did something that no one thought possible, maybe deep down, they too thought this impossible. They defied the odds and came out on top. They accomplished something that can never be taken away from them. The hard work, the dedication, the commitment. It was all rewarded with the ultimate prize in Major League Baseball...the World Series Pennant (and accompanying bling).
It won't be much of a stretch to say that I feel like I'm on a journey such as this. Many people discourage themselves (or others) from attempting to lose weight and better their lives..."it's too hard"..."I don't have time to work out"..."I've tried so many times before and nothing works, why bother??". When staring at this from the beginning, the thought of losing 100 lbs was so daunting. I figured that I would be back to my old ways within a month or two, as usual. But for some reason, I finally "got it". I made the changes, I stuck with them, I found a love for exercise, I crave movement and healthy food. I still find it hard to pinpoint WHY things are working so well this time around. I, like you, had tried to lose weight many times in my life and it never worked the way it should have. I wanted it to happen so quickly, without putting the work in. This is why I failed so many times before. But, somewhere, deep down, I must have believed in myself...but all the while thinking it was impossible. Seriously. And at about 85 lbs lost, I can see my original goal coming true. It's not elusive...it's not MY curse.
I suppose if you stretch out those 4 days that the Red Sox changed their baseball lives, it could be compared to my journey. I'd been down. I stepped up and took the challenge. Dave Roberts stole 2nd base in game 4, effectively giving life to the Sox. What is my Dave Roberts moment? Was it when I quit soda? Was it joining the gym? Was it when I lost 10 lbs in the first week? Maybe I'll go with the loss of 10 lbs in the first week. Early success really keeps you motivated. I've had a few home runs, a la Big Papi, and am about to hit another on Sunday (my first 5K!). The ups and downs of my 13 month journey thus far have not been nearly as extreme as the emotions felt in that 4 day period, but I too am seeking the ultimate prize. But in this case, I will hold onto this prize for the rest of my life. I am creating that life. I am extending it. I am making it more meaningful, knowing that I have worked so hard to make it better. Every mile I run cements the fact that I am a new person.
Although, like the Sox, I couldn't have done this on my own. Every player on that team had a job to do, and one by one, they managed to make this happen. Yes, you can say I've done this on my own, as I am not under the supervision of a nutritionist, dietician, trainer, or popular weight loss program...BUT...I certainly have not been alone. When I've been in a slump, people have cheered me on anyway, loving me for me...much like our beloved Sox. When I've been successful, I've still gotten the support I needed and then some. I'm lucky to have some "true fans" on my side...you know...the ones who still love their team, even when they've broken your heart time and time again. And in the end, you're rewarded for your loyalty...
"Reverse the curse". You know it well, it was on Tshirts everywhere, signs, placards, newspapers, everywhere. But it's amazing how at this moment, that means something else to me. Who knew an innocent viewing of "30 for 30" would bring upon such clarity and inspiration?? I am trying to reverse my own curse. The curse of obesity. The curse of being unhappy with myself. The curse of feeling like I had no choice. As hard as I tried to deny it, it was my own fault. I did this to myself. And I'm the only one who can reverse it. Reversing this curse would certainly lift a burden, not the 86 year burden felt by Red Sox Nation, but that of a 31 year old woman who spent much of her life on the sidelines wondering when it would be her turn.
Put me in Coach, I'm ready to play. ;-)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Victorious
"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."
In the past two weeks, three friends of mine have all put on race bibs and crossed the finish line in their first-ever races at their respective distances. GI Jane and MMV ran the Tufts 10K on Columbus Day in downtown Boston. I went down to the finish line with GI Jane's manfriend, Cash Money. It was truly a moving experience. I don't know what it was, but as I was standing along the final stretch along Charles Street, watching the women (and a few men) run by, I started to tear up. I was getting emotionally overwhelmed watching these women pushing themselves towards the finish line. I feverishly snapped pictures as Cash finally caught site of Jane coming towards us. We ran triumphantly with her the final couple hundred feet to grab shots of her running under the official time clock. It was such an awesome feeling to watch her accomplish this goal that she never thought possible. Life had gotten in the way and her training had fallen to the wayside...but her grit and determination (and a cute pair of Saucony running shoes) carried her the 6.2 miles to victory. As we walked through the Boston Common, seeing all of the women, smiling, munching bagels and bananas, it made me appreciate the fact that I WILL be there next year. I will be a part of this group of 8000 women, 16000 running shoes. (Although, I give major props to this one lady I saw, with one leg, finishing this race with her crutches. Simply amazing.)
My first official race is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am very excited to take this first step into "competitive" running. Granted, I will never actually WIN one of these races...but that is not the point. Anyone who runs knows this. You run against your self, your demons, your failures. You do something that you perhaps never thought possible. I will be running for all of those years I wasted. I will run to show myself that this journey has brought me to a new place. I will run to show everyone that this IS possible. You CAN make a change. I am going to do my best to NOT cry at the finish line...but I can't guarantee that. I may become so overwhelmed that you'll see a puffy-eyed Mighty Mouse wandering around on Halloween morning.
I am not the only one who has taken the step to create a better life for herself. The third friend that I spoke of at the top of this post is EOB. EOB did something that very few people will EVER do in their lifetimes. She ran a marathon. 26.2 miles. She ran through the streets of Chicago, in unseasonable heat as well. I never had any doubt in my mind that she would finish. She struggled a bit during her training period as well, couldn't find the motivation to complete her long runs. But she pushed through and completed her very first marathon. I put it that way because she has already expressed the desire to do it again. She claims that as soon as she started, she knew she'd want to do it again. (I don't know if I believe her, buuuut....I mean, COME ON...you WANT to run a marathon??) It has taken many little steps over a number of years to get her to this point. She did it. She made it.
I don't know if I will ever choose to run a marathon. I enjoy running, but I just don't know if it's something that I'd be interested in doing. I could probably be persuaded to try a half-marathon though. But that is a bit down the road. I will run my 5K, and hopefully a few more 5Ks and a 4 miler in November and December. I will try to find a 10K after that. I want to continue to push myself where my running is concerned. I caught a cold last week, and haven't run in 8 days now. I'm hoping that this little cough I have will disappear in the next day or so. I am feeling running-deprived. I need to go. I need to do it. I miss it.
I will lace up my shoes. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue this race...this race...for my life.
In the past two weeks, three friends of mine have all put on race bibs and crossed the finish line in their first-ever races at their respective distances. GI Jane and MMV ran the Tufts 10K on Columbus Day in downtown Boston. I went down to the finish line with GI Jane's manfriend, Cash Money. It was truly a moving experience. I don't know what it was, but as I was standing along the final stretch along Charles Street, watching the women (and a few men) run by, I started to tear up. I was getting emotionally overwhelmed watching these women pushing themselves towards the finish line. I feverishly snapped pictures as Cash finally caught site of Jane coming towards us. We ran triumphantly with her the final couple hundred feet to grab shots of her running under the official time clock. It was such an awesome feeling to watch her accomplish this goal that she never thought possible. Life had gotten in the way and her training had fallen to the wayside...but her grit and determination (and a cute pair of Saucony running shoes) carried her the 6.2 miles to victory. As we walked through the Boston Common, seeing all of the women, smiling, munching bagels and bananas, it made me appreciate the fact that I WILL be there next year. I will be a part of this group of 8000 women, 16000 running shoes. (Although, I give major props to this one lady I saw, with one leg, finishing this race with her crutches. Simply amazing.)
My first official race is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am very excited to take this first step into "competitive" running. Granted, I will never actually WIN one of these races...but that is not the point. Anyone who runs knows this. You run against your self, your demons, your failures. You do something that you perhaps never thought possible. I will be running for all of those years I wasted. I will run to show myself that this journey has brought me to a new place. I will run to show everyone that this IS possible. You CAN make a change. I am going to do my best to NOT cry at the finish line...but I can't guarantee that. I may become so overwhelmed that you'll see a puffy-eyed Mighty Mouse wandering around on Halloween morning.
I am not the only one who has taken the step to create a better life for herself. The third friend that I spoke of at the top of this post is EOB. EOB did something that very few people will EVER do in their lifetimes. She ran a marathon. 26.2 miles. She ran through the streets of Chicago, in unseasonable heat as well. I never had any doubt in my mind that she would finish. She struggled a bit during her training period as well, couldn't find the motivation to complete her long runs. But she pushed through and completed her very first marathon. I put it that way because she has already expressed the desire to do it again. She claims that as soon as she started, she knew she'd want to do it again. (I don't know if I believe her, buuuut....I mean, COME ON...you WANT to run a marathon??) It has taken many little steps over a number of years to get her to this point. She did it. She made it.
I don't know if I will ever choose to run a marathon. I enjoy running, but I just don't know if it's something that I'd be interested in doing. I could probably be persuaded to try a half-marathon though. But that is a bit down the road. I will run my 5K, and hopefully a few more 5Ks and a 4 miler in November and December. I will try to find a 10K after that. I want to continue to push myself where my running is concerned. I caught a cold last week, and haven't run in 8 days now. I'm hoping that this little cough I have will disappear in the next day or so. I am feeling running-deprived. I need to go. I need to do it. I miss it.
I will lace up my shoes. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue this race...this race...for my life.
Friday, October 8, 2010
The (Wo)Man in the Mirror
The mirror can be a deceptive thing. It certainly has a power over us that we don't want to voice out loud. How many times a day would you say that you look at yourself? Do you glance at yourself in storefront windows? Some people NEVER look at themselves, or if they do, they only look at their faces, say in the bathroom mirror. Others spend their time looking in every available surface, constantly fidgeting, fixing, adjusting. We have 3 mirrors in our apartment. A full length, a vanity type mirror on my dresser, which is pretty big, goes down to my mid thigh, and a normal bathroom mirror. On the whole, I'd say that I like these mirrors. I don't feel that they are distorted in anyway. I don't feel like I'm in a (not so) funhouse when I'm looking in them. Another great mirror...the one in the Ghosts and Gravestones dressing room. I looked at myself in it last night and was feeling pretty pleased with myself.
Now, I know, you're sitting there going, "What the hell? Why is she going on and on about mirrors?". Well, here's why...for the last few weeks I've been taking 2 classes over at the Dance Complex in Central Square, the ballet class and then the kickboxing class. I suppose I feel kinda out of place in the ballet class as it is, although, I'd say I'm in the middle as far as ability goes. I'm certainly not the best goddamn dancer at ABA, but I'm certainly not the worst. BUT, I'd say I might be the heaviest person in there, not by much, but probably. But anyway, I came in, sat down, started stretching a bit, looked up at myself in the mirror and basically thought, "WTF?!". The mirror showed me exactly how I picture myself in my own head...basically how I USED to look. I see myself in pictures and am completed dumbfounded of how I look now. I still see myself 80 lbs heavier. This mirror is definitely old and warped, as is my brain. But I couldn't stop looking at myself, going "Uhhh, is that what I look like? Really? Ugh.". Tugging at my clothes, sucking it in, trying not to feel like the elephant in the room. I took dance for 8 or 9 years from kindergarten through middle school, and as I got older, I got heavier, and every year, you'd get those photos taken at the dance recital. And in my last years at the dance school, I was on pointe. And basically, I resembled those goddamn hippos from Fantasia. NOT a pretty sight, my friends. And those feelings and memories came flooding back to me on Tuesday night, at the barre, doing my plies and tondues.
Uuuuugh. How do you erase years of memories like that?! I don't think you can. I suppose you can merely learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe if you use those memories to teach yourself a lesson, to never allow yourself to get to that point again. I really love to dance, and I'm glad that I got up the nerve to do it again. As every young girl seems to, I had the dream of being a ballerina. But what no one ever tells you is that fat little girls don't get to be ballerinas. Well, I suppose THAT's not true either. My dance teacher told me, when I was around 10, that I needed to lose weight. Yeeeeah, thank you Mrs. Olivieri. That's awesome. Way to build my self esteem. Okay, so maybe I'm still a little bitter about that. Or still bitter that all of those years of people telling me I needed to lose weight, that no one ever really tried to help me in a constructive way. How the hell do you help a kid? Well, honestly, I feel it's very similar to the way I'm doing things now. Don't make things "off-limits", don't make it a punishment. Encourage physical activity, explore healthy options and don't make them feel badly about themselves.
I suppose the lesson to me in all of this is..."Don't look in that goddamn mirror." Anna, the dance teacher, wants us to look at ourselves to check our form and whatnot. Fine, look. But stop judging. As I've mentioned before, I've become much quicker to judge than I ever have before. This is not a good thing. For example, on my run this morning, I passed this girl, who probably wasn't much heavier than I, wearing the shortest shorts I've seen in awhile. I'm talking so short that from the front, they were riding up SO much that it almost looked like she was wearing "tighty whities". Seriously. Camel toe for days here, people. Complete with a "Everything's Bigger in Texas" tshirt. Yup, ain't it the truth. Camel toes must be bigger in Texas too. Why do that to yourself? Why wear that? Did she feel good in that? Did she feel "sexy"? I just don't know. I wanted to stop and ask. But come on, where the f*ck do I get off thinking this way? Am I on some proverbial high horse, riding around town, because I know better than to dress that way?! Because I know better than to eat garbage that I see people ingesting everyday?! *sigh* I'm sure we're all guilty of this...but I just wonder...WHY are we like this? Why is it such a normal thing to look at others in such a judgmental way? And why is it even MORE normal to judge yourself in such a harsh way? We all have diatribes of negative self-talk running through our heads most of the day. Think about it. How often do you actually think NICE things about yourself? It's never "Wow, you're doing a great job today", it's more "Damn girl, you've got fat thighs". We aren't nice to ourselves. We beat ourselves down...but who will be there to build us back up?? If you don't start loving that fat ballerina in the mirror, no one will. You'll drag yourself down into a pit of despair that may be very hard to ever climb out of. It's easier said than done, I know. But start with yourself. Stop the negative self-talk. Try to say at least 1 nice thing to yourself everyday. Or for every bad thought you have, replace it with something positive. It may change your whole outlook on life...or at least help you see someone smiling back at you in the mirror...
Now, I know, you're sitting there going, "What the hell? Why is she going on and on about mirrors?". Well, here's why...for the last few weeks I've been taking 2 classes over at the Dance Complex in Central Square, the ballet class and then the kickboxing class. I suppose I feel kinda out of place in the ballet class as it is, although, I'd say I'm in the middle as far as ability goes. I'm certainly not the best goddamn dancer at ABA, but I'm certainly not the worst. BUT, I'd say I might be the heaviest person in there, not by much, but probably. But anyway, I came in, sat down, started stretching a bit, looked up at myself in the mirror and basically thought, "WTF?!". The mirror showed me exactly how I picture myself in my own head...basically how I USED to look. I see myself in pictures and am completed dumbfounded of how I look now. I still see myself 80 lbs heavier. This mirror is definitely old and warped, as is my brain. But I couldn't stop looking at myself, going "Uhhh, is that what I look like? Really? Ugh.". Tugging at my clothes, sucking it in, trying not to feel like the elephant in the room. I took dance for 8 or 9 years from kindergarten through middle school, and as I got older, I got heavier, and every year, you'd get those photos taken at the dance recital. And in my last years at the dance school, I was on pointe. And basically, I resembled those goddamn hippos from Fantasia. NOT a pretty sight, my friends. And those feelings and memories came flooding back to me on Tuesday night, at the barre, doing my plies and tondues.
Uuuuugh. How do you erase years of memories like that?! I don't think you can. I suppose you can merely learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe if you use those memories to teach yourself a lesson, to never allow yourself to get to that point again. I really love to dance, and I'm glad that I got up the nerve to do it again. As every young girl seems to, I had the dream of being a ballerina. But what no one ever tells you is that fat little girls don't get to be ballerinas. Well, I suppose THAT's not true either. My dance teacher told me, when I was around 10, that I needed to lose weight. Yeeeeah, thank you Mrs. Olivieri. That's awesome. Way to build my self esteem. Okay, so maybe I'm still a little bitter about that. Or still bitter that all of those years of people telling me I needed to lose weight, that no one ever really tried to help me in a constructive way. How the hell do you help a kid? Well, honestly, I feel it's very similar to the way I'm doing things now. Don't make things "off-limits", don't make it a punishment. Encourage physical activity, explore healthy options and don't make them feel badly about themselves.
I suppose the lesson to me in all of this is..."Don't look in that goddamn mirror." Anna, the dance teacher, wants us to look at ourselves to check our form and whatnot. Fine, look. But stop judging. As I've mentioned before, I've become much quicker to judge than I ever have before. This is not a good thing. For example, on my run this morning, I passed this girl, who probably wasn't much heavier than I, wearing the shortest shorts I've seen in awhile. I'm talking so short that from the front, they were riding up SO much that it almost looked like she was wearing "tighty whities". Seriously. Camel toe for days here, people. Complete with a "Everything's Bigger in Texas" tshirt. Yup, ain't it the truth. Camel toes must be bigger in Texas too. Why do that to yourself? Why wear that? Did she feel good in that? Did she feel "sexy"? I just don't know. I wanted to stop and ask. But come on, where the f*ck do I get off thinking this way? Am I on some proverbial high horse, riding around town, because I know better than to dress that way?! Because I know better than to eat garbage that I see people ingesting everyday?! *sigh* I'm sure we're all guilty of this...but I just wonder...WHY are we like this? Why is it such a normal thing to look at others in such a judgmental way? And why is it even MORE normal to judge yourself in such a harsh way? We all have diatribes of negative self-talk running through our heads most of the day. Think about it. How often do you actually think NICE things about yourself? It's never "Wow, you're doing a great job today", it's more "Damn girl, you've got fat thighs". We aren't nice to ourselves. We beat ourselves down...but who will be there to build us back up?? If you don't start loving that fat ballerina in the mirror, no one will. You'll drag yourself down into a pit of despair that may be very hard to ever climb out of. It's easier said than done, I know. But start with yourself. Stop the negative self-talk. Try to say at least 1 nice thing to yourself everyday. Or for every bad thought you have, replace it with something positive. It may change your whole outlook on life...or at least help you see someone smiling back at you in the mirror...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Focus
"Excellence is in the details. Give attention to the details and excellence will come." -Perry Paxson
I'm pretty sure I've been going about it all wrong. I focus on the end result, on the big picture. I don't pay attention to the little things along the way. The little steps and changes ultimately add up to create a larger, more complete victory. As they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day". But I suppose that's vastly different than the society that we live in today. We are in a fast-paced, multi-tasking place. You simply can't do one thing at a time, lest you're thought of as lazy or "slow". We've created a culture of instant gratification with no signs of slowing. Our governments have to regulate things that make complete sense...like don't text while driving. Duuuuh. I have a lot of friends that do this and to be honest, it scares me. People drive badly enough as it is, you don't need another distraction. Sure, sure, you can tell me that studies show that bans on texting don't lead to less accidents. BUt guess what? Do you want to be another statistic? No. Didn't think so.
Our lives move at such a clip nowadays that I find it hard to focus. Or maybe it's that I want to "focus" on more than one thing. I want everything to be fixed at once, but hard work takes time, and time takes patience. And those of you who know me understand that patience is not my strongest suit. Sure, I've gotten better as I get older, but man, it's hard. I've looked for the quickest solution to every problem, which sometimes leads to dealing with that problem AGAIN later on down the road since I never really fixed it in the first place. It's like when you buy something and you buy the cheaper one to "save money", but then end up replacing it in a year or two because it's broken down. You get what you pay for. And in my life, I've certainly gotten what I've "paid" for. Yeah, I got good grades in school...but did I study and really apply myself? Hell no. I could have done more with myself where that was concerned, but back in my early school days, I realized that I didn't have to work that hard to do well. I was lucky, or so I thought. I didn't have to study much like other kids. And so I didn't. I could have studied and gotten into smart kid colleges, but I just didn't apply myself. I took the easy way out. And other than this whole weight loss/healthy living journey, I've always taken the easy way out. I say I'm a singer, but I don't put the work in. I say I want a new job, but again, don't put the time in to better my situation. But this is going to stop.
Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to spend time with a very intelligent and helpful friend of mine. JK and I both have things in our lives that we'd like to change. He's on the brink of making a very big step in his life as far as finances and career are concerned. He's a very gifted writer and is trying to create a way for that to become a much bigger focus in his life. But, like all of us, you must find ways to pay the bills while you're pursuing your dreams. We talked at length about how fear keeps us from really stepping out of our comfort zones and trying to see what we can do when we really push ourselves. We both have tended to sit back and let life take us where it will instead of fighting for what we really want. But I'll tell you what, having someone throw stuff back into my face as far as "why aren't you doing this? what do you want to achieve? etc" was very eye-opening, extremely tough to hear, but absolutely needed. I think having someone else there, not allowing you to make excuses is very important. I finally, for the first time, admitted to someone that I am a huge time waster. I actually said it out loud. I admitted that I really don't do anything of consequence on most days, other than working out. THAT has become a priority in my life, but these other things have not. Yes, I work early in the morning, but my work day is done by noon or so. That leaves at least 9-10 more hours of the day to be used in a productive way. But what do I generally do? Watch TV. Or spend entirely too much time on the internet. Sure, the internet can be a wonderful place when used for job hunting, opera learning, etc. But am I doing that? Absolutely not. I am on the eternal time-suck known as Facebook...waiting with baited breath for someone to comment, for someone to say something. It's like I think I'm going to miss something. But just like the TV, it will be there later. I have to get that through my thick skull. I feared that when I bought this laptop that my internet time would increase exponentially...and I was right. It certainly has. JK and I set up this amazing spreadsheet with the days of the week on it and time goals for each day, for me, focusing on at least an hour a day of singing/learning and 30 min-1 hr of job searching/resume building/cover letter writing, etc. His focuses on the steps that he'll need to take this big leap in about a month.
I feel good about this. I feel like I can really stick to it, if I think about it in a one day at at time way. I need to remember that I've done work like this already. I didn't lose 80 lbs in one day. Each day counts towards a much more rewarding end result. I have to learn to enjoy the process, the learning, the practicing. I can't say I've ever really ENJOYED practicing, but it's time to try. I need to reignite my love for singing and performing. I see others perform and I get jealous. I want to be on the stage. I don't want to sing in my apartment for no one to hear. I want to share my gift and learn from others and collaborate. I was never interested in being a soloist...I always liked playing/singing in a group sort of setting, be it playing in an ensemble or being in a cast of an opera or a musical. The only way to get back to the place I love is to put in the work so that I deserve to be back there once and for all.
And so, here I go...
I'm pretty sure I've been going about it all wrong. I focus on the end result, on the big picture. I don't pay attention to the little things along the way. The little steps and changes ultimately add up to create a larger, more complete victory. As they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day". But I suppose that's vastly different than the society that we live in today. We are in a fast-paced, multi-tasking place. You simply can't do one thing at a time, lest you're thought of as lazy or "slow". We've created a culture of instant gratification with no signs of slowing. Our governments have to regulate things that make complete sense...like don't text while driving. Duuuuh. I have a lot of friends that do this and to be honest, it scares me. People drive badly enough as it is, you don't need another distraction. Sure, sure, you can tell me that studies show that bans on texting don't lead to less accidents. BUt guess what? Do you want to be another statistic? No. Didn't think so.
Our lives move at such a clip nowadays that I find it hard to focus. Or maybe it's that I want to "focus" on more than one thing. I want everything to be fixed at once, but hard work takes time, and time takes patience. And those of you who know me understand that patience is not my strongest suit. Sure, I've gotten better as I get older, but man, it's hard. I've looked for the quickest solution to every problem, which sometimes leads to dealing with that problem AGAIN later on down the road since I never really fixed it in the first place. It's like when you buy something and you buy the cheaper one to "save money", but then end up replacing it in a year or two because it's broken down. You get what you pay for. And in my life, I've certainly gotten what I've "paid" for. Yeah, I got good grades in school...but did I study and really apply myself? Hell no. I could have done more with myself where that was concerned, but back in my early school days, I realized that I didn't have to work that hard to do well. I was lucky, or so I thought. I didn't have to study much like other kids. And so I didn't. I could have studied and gotten into smart kid colleges, but I just didn't apply myself. I took the easy way out. And other than this whole weight loss/healthy living journey, I've always taken the easy way out. I say I'm a singer, but I don't put the work in. I say I want a new job, but again, don't put the time in to better my situation. But this is going to stop.
Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to spend time with a very intelligent and helpful friend of mine. JK and I both have things in our lives that we'd like to change. He's on the brink of making a very big step in his life as far as finances and career are concerned. He's a very gifted writer and is trying to create a way for that to become a much bigger focus in his life. But, like all of us, you must find ways to pay the bills while you're pursuing your dreams. We talked at length about how fear keeps us from really stepping out of our comfort zones and trying to see what we can do when we really push ourselves. We both have tended to sit back and let life take us where it will instead of fighting for what we really want. But I'll tell you what, having someone throw stuff back into my face as far as "why aren't you doing this? what do you want to achieve? etc" was very eye-opening, extremely tough to hear, but absolutely needed. I think having someone else there, not allowing you to make excuses is very important. I finally, for the first time, admitted to someone that I am a huge time waster. I actually said it out loud. I admitted that I really don't do anything of consequence on most days, other than working out. THAT has become a priority in my life, but these other things have not. Yes, I work early in the morning, but my work day is done by noon or so. That leaves at least 9-10 more hours of the day to be used in a productive way. But what do I generally do? Watch TV. Or spend entirely too much time on the internet. Sure, the internet can be a wonderful place when used for job hunting, opera learning, etc. But am I doing that? Absolutely not. I am on the eternal time-suck known as Facebook...waiting with baited breath for someone to comment, for someone to say something. It's like I think I'm going to miss something. But just like the TV, it will be there later. I have to get that through my thick skull. I feared that when I bought this laptop that my internet time would increase exponentially...and I was right. It certainly has. JK and I set up this amazing spreadsheet with the days of the week on it and time goals for each day, for me, focusing on at least an hour a day of singing/learning and 30 min-1 hr of job searching/resume building/cover letter writing, etc. His focuses on the steps that he'll need to take this big leap in about a month.
I feel good about this. I feel like I can really stick to it, if I think about it in a one day at at time way. I need to remember that I've done work like this already. I didn't lose 80 lbs in one day. Each day counts towards a much more rewarding end result. I have to learn to enjoy the process, the learning, the practicing. I can't say I've ever really ENJOYED practicing, but it's time to try. I need to reignite my love for singing and performing. I see others perform and I get jealous. I want to be on the stage. I don't want to sing in my apartment for no one to hear. I want to share my gift and learn from others and collaborate. I was never interested in being a soloist...I always liked playing/singing in a group sort of setting, be it playing in an ensemble or being in a cast of an opera or a musical. The only way to get back to the place I love is to put in the work so that I deserve to be back there once and for all.
And so, here I go...
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