The mirror can be a deceptive thing. It certainly has a power over us that we don't want to voice out loud. How many times a day would you say that you look at yourself? Do you glance at yourself in storefront windows? Some people NEVER look at themselves, or if they do, they only look at their faces, say in the bathroom mirror. Others spend their time looking in every available surface, constantly fidgeting, fixing, adjusting. We have 3 mirrors in our apartment. A full length, a vanity type mirror on my dresser, which is pretty big, goes down to my mid thigh, and a normal bathroom mirror. On the whole, I'd say that I like these mirrors. I don't feel that they are distorted in anyway. I don't feel like I'm in a (not so) funhouse when I'm looking in them. Another great mirror...the one in the Ghosts and Gravestones dressing room. I looked at myself in it last night and was feeling pretty pleased with myself.
Now, I know, you're sitting there going, "What the hell? Why is she going on and on about mirrors?". Well, here's why...for the last few weeks I've been taking 2 classes over at the Dance Complex in Central Square, the ballet class and then the kickboxing class. I suppose I feel kinda out of place in the ballet class as it is, although, I'd say I'm in the middle as far as ability goes. I'm certainly not the best goddamn dancer at ABA, but I'm certainly not the worst. BUT, I'd say I might be the heaviest person in there, not by much, but probably. But anyway, I came in, sat down, started stretching a bit, looked up at myself in the mirror and basically thought, "WTF?!". The mirror showed me exactly how I picture myself in my own head...basically how I USED to look. I see myself in pictures and am completed dumbfounded of how I look now. I still see myself 80 lbs heavier. This mirror is definitely old and warped, as is my brain. But I couldn't stop looking at myself, going "Uhhh, is that what I look like? Really? Ugh.". Tugging at my clothes, sucking it in, trying not to feel like the elephant in the room. I took dance for 8 or 9 years from kindergarten through middle school, and as I got older, I got heavier, and every year, you'd get those photos taken at the dance recital. And in my last years at the dance school, I was on pointe. And basically, I resembled those goddamn hippos from Fantasia. NOT a pretty sight, my friends. And those feelings and memories came flooding back to me on Tuesday night, at the barre, doing my plies and tondues.
Uuuuugh. How do you erase years of memories like that?! I don't think you can. I suppose you can merely learn from your mistakes and move on. Maybe if you use those memories to teach yourself a lesson, to never allow yourself to get to that point again. I really love to dance, and I'm glad that I got up the nerve to do it again. As every young girl seems to, I had the dream of being a ballerina. But what no one ever tells you is that fat little girls don't get to be ballerinas. Well, I suppose THAT's not true either. My dance teacher told me, when I was around 10, that I needed to lose weight. Yeeeeah, thank you Mrs. Olivieri. That's awesome. Way to build my self esteem. Okay, so maybe I'm still a little bitter about that. Or still bitter that all of those years of people telling me I needed to lose weight, that no one ever really tried to help me in a constructive way. How the hell do you help a kid? Well, honestly, I feel it's very similar to the way I'm doing things now. Don't make things "off-limits", don't make it a punishment. Encourage physical activity, explore healthy options and don't make them feel badly about themselves.
I suppose the lesson to me in all of this is..."Don't look in that goddamn mirror." Anna, the dance teacher, wants us to look at ourselves to check our form and whatnot. Fine, look. But stop judging. As I've mentioned before, I've become much quicker to judge than I ever have before. This is not a good thing. For example, on my run this morning, I passed this girl, who probably wasn't much heavier than I, wearing the shortest shorts I've seen in awhile. I'm talking so short that from the front, they were riding up SO much that it almost looked like she was wearing "tighty whities". Seriously. Camel toe for days here, people. Complete with a "Everything's Bigger in Texas" tshirt. Yup, ain't it the truth. Camel toes must be bigger in Texas too. Why do that to yourself? Why wear that? Did she feel good in that? Did she feel "sexy"? I just don't know. I wanted to stop and ask. But come on, where the f*ck do I get off thinking this way? Am I on some proverbial high horse, riding around town, because I know better than to dress that way?! Because I know better than to eat garbage that I see people ingesting everyday?! *sigh* I'm sure we're all guilty of this...but I just wonder...WHY are we like this? Why is it such a normal thing to look at others in such a judgmental way? And why is it even MORE normal to judge yourself in such a harsh way? We all have diatribes of negative self-talk running through our heads most of the day. Think about it. How often do you actually think NICE things about yourself? It's never "Wow, you're doing a great job today", it's more "Damn girl, you've got fat thighs". We aren't nice to ourselves. We beat ourselves down...but who will be there to build us back up?? If you don't start loving that fat ballerina in the mirror, no one will. You'll drag yourself down into a pit of despair that may be very hard to ever climb out of. It's easier said than done, I know. But start with yourself. Stop the negative self-talk. Try to say at least 1 nice thing to yourself everyday. Or for every bad thought you have, replace it with something positive. It may change your whole outlook on life...or at least help you see someone smiling back at you in the mirror...
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