I've been having a lot of internal struggles in the last few weeks. Seeking motivation, fighting myself, putting up barriers, making excuses, causing myself to fail time and time again. At one time, I was my biggest cheerleader. I realized that these changes could only happen if I was 100% behind myself and if I truly believed in myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost that focus. I allowed life to get in the way. I allowed the excuses to pile up, and the pounds to creep back on. No one forced me to eat. No one forced me to lay on the couch. I made these choices. No one else.
I started reading "Are You Ready!" by Bob Harper, the not-as-angry trainer from The Biggest Loser. I ordered his "Skinny Rules" as well, and as good as that is, "Are You Ready!" deals a lot with mental baggage and how to let go and trust the process and to trust yourself. His book deals with what he calls the "Inner Compass", learning how to deal with emotions and how to allow yourself to feel. Many of us push our feelings away, squash them down, and then eat to feel better. I have been working on being more honest with people and not avoiding my feelings, but I also struggle with the whole "what if they think I'm a jerk?" thing. I used to use running as a stress reliever. I have a feeling that if I got myself back on track physically, my mental stuff would clear itself up. (or at least be better...) I feel like I have a short fuse lately as well. I'm impatient and demanding. I want things to happen a certain way, and if they don't, I get snippy. This is not a good way to live.
The introspective work in this book is going to be hard. I've managed to be rather transparent while writing this blog, attempting to forget that people are actually reading it. But, am I ever 100% honest? Of course not. None of us are. For whatever reason, we don't trust who we are, we don't trust our opinions or feelings enough to let them be heard. We don't want to hurt anyone else, nor do we want to be judged for our choices. I suppose that the only time we may be 100% honest is in the comfort of a therapist's office, maybe. I have never been to therapy, so I'm not sure about that, but do you let go, finally? Sometimes I feel like I'd certainly benefit from going. But, until that day, I'll attempt to be my own therapist.
This book asks me to look deep within and be honest.
Am I Ready?
Chapter 1 tells me to follow the Three R's...Relax, Respect and Reinforce.
If I can relax and trust the process, allow myself to feel a certain level of peace, it'll happen.
If I can accept my body as it is now and respect it as the vessel it is and will be, it'll happen.
If I can reinforce the good choices, my commitment to a healthier life, it'll happen.
Bob, you ask me if I'm ready. I certainly hope so. I need to be ready. I keep letting life slip away. I had this immense focus for almost a year and a half. In that time, I lost 85 lbs. Since Jan '11, I've gained back 35 of those lbs. I want to get to my original goal of 100 lbs lost...that means 55 lbs from here.
I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to live.
Am I ready?
Yes. Yes, I am.
I have to say, your point about exercise as a de-stressor is totally on-point. As hard as it is to get my butt out of bed to do it some days, those are the days I feel better, more relaxed, and like a nicer human being.
ReplyDeleteIt really really helps that I've chosen to exercise by mostly doing things that involve other humans (aerials and volleyball), because that motivates me to GO because they're there. Maybe that means I'm not "ready," but maybe that's just how I work.
I don't think it's about "ready," really. I think it's about finding that exact thing that will get you to the place or space where you can do what you need to do. And maybe that's because you're mentally set. Maybe it's because you have a friend who goes with you. Maybe it's because you want to all by yourself. I think I just don't like the mantra that says "If you're ready, it will happen" because if it doesn't happen, then it causes you to question whether there's something wrong with you that you aren't "ready," or it provides an excuse ("I'm just not ready, yet"). But that's me. Maybe it works for you, and if so, then that's all it needs to do.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Kristin. The idea of "being ready" for me means being ready to commit to changes, not just to exercising. And of course, being ready to stop blaming others for my problems, etc. If I am ready to accept myself as I am now, and ready to move beyond that, I will be able to make those changes. Sometimes we just aren't ready to make changes in our lives, we are complacent, we are lazy, we are afraid. That's what I meant by "being ready". And if I'm ready to step out of my comfort zone, things will happen. :-)
ReplyDeletetry to remember, kelly, that a year ago you were at the coffee shop. did you think you would find a job that suits you so well? YOU DID THAT. you made that huge change. you have made a great deal of positive changes in your external and internal life. Count those! Keep focus on all the times you have picked yourself up and gone after your goals. Those are the hardest steps and you have done them.
ReplyDeleteyou have gone to dance class. you seem to enjoy it every time.
you have gone running in the freezing cold and blazing sun.
you have gone to exercise after running around the coffee shop.
you have been in a number of plays. last year in the role you wanted.
you have a great new job.
you are about to marry your best friend.
you have a ton of real-time friends who are supportive and funny.
you are all ready.
"sometimes it may seem as if nothing is happening. but you are in the process of becoming" paraphrase from Hope for the Flowers.