I don't want to toot my own horn or start congratulating myself quite yet, but I've been doing pretty well with exercising and tracking my food for the last 2 weeks. I started using the website, Lose It!, and although it's not the BEST site I've used, it's certainly doing the trick right now. (I used Sparkpeople at one point, and Livestrong. I think they're both more comprehensive in food listings and whatnot, but whatever.) This one is almost like Facebook for health...you can have friends, you can see stuff that they've entered. It keeps you accountable, if you happen to have some friends. :-) I am lucky to have 2 that are using it right now. I'm also excited to say that I've lost 5 lbs in those 2 weeks. (Small victory--getting back into my "other" jeans, not my favorite pair, but the only other pair that I own and the ones that aren't wearing through in the thighs. Yay.)
I've been doing a good weight training circuit from the latest Women's Health magazine. I made myself get on the treadmill this week and do some walk/running. I've had this major disconnect with running. I have no desire to do it right now. I don't want to go out and run. I don't want to sign up for any races right now. I don't know what's going on, but hopefully I'll be able to solve that problem soon. SO, instead of just giving up, I decided to try some other avenues. I ordered a couple new exercise DVDs...
-Bob Harper's "Beginner's Weight Loss Transformation"
-Bob's "Ultimate Cardio Body"
-Bob's "Totally Ripped Core"
-Jillian Michaels' "30 Day Shred"
I just got them a few days ago and today, I tossed the "Beginner's" one into the ol' DVD player. Good Lord. Beginner, my ass. I mean, some of this stuff was ridiculous. He called them "squat thrusts", but I've heard them called "burpees". Yeah. Fuck off, burpees. I was moaning, muttering "Bob, you suck", as I hoisted myself up and down. I hung in there for the whole time, but there were definitely some other things that I couldn't do. For example...high and low planks. You are in push-up position, then you go down to your elbows into plank, then you go back to your hands in push-up. WTF. Tricep pushups? Right. My arms are NOT strong enough yet to do these things completely. And that's okay. Strengthening my arms is definitely one of my major goals, esp with my upcoming nuptials and my beautiful dress. I want my arms to look smokin' hot. :-)
And that being said, if I don't lose a single pound between now and my wedding, I know that I will look beautiful, but more importantly, I will feel beautiful. I found MY dress. It is perfect, for me. And even if I didn't have a beautiful dress, I'll have an awesome guy waiting at the end of the aisle for me. :-) But, I know that if I stay focused on MY HEALTH and not on what I'll look like, I'll probably have more success. My energy level has definitely gone up. I feel sated when I eat, even when I eat "healthy" foods. I also know that i need to focus on adding more fruits and veggies to my day.
But, all in all, I FEEL GOOD. I forgot what it feels like to feel good. I have a lot of things to be happy about right now. And as a wise friend has told me, time and time again, I need to just "let the love in". I need to revel in my successes and in my joys. I don't think that means that I'm conceited, does it? I think I do a lot of suppressing of my emotions because I don't want to come off as a bragger or an egomaniac.
And maybe sometimes I feel like I don't deserve success, or love, or happiness. I don't work hard enough to reap the benefits that I SO want out of life. I want to be a REAL singer. Sure, I sing. Do I practice? Not a lot. Do I learn about singing? Do I attend performances? No. Do I audition? Occasionally. WHy do I do this? Not sure. I recall in high school that I did the same thing with classwork. I never had to work TOO hard to get good grades. Was I afraid of success because I didn't want to stand out? Perhaps. I got to college and was still used to coasting by. I got decent grades, but never truly developed my potential. I sightread my way through 7 semesters of clarinet lessons. I practiced my stuff for the ensembles that I was in because I loved to play in the group, just not the solo stuff. I suppose my life could best be represented by an iceberg. The tip of that iceberg is what I've unearthed through actual hardwork and motivation. The rest of that iceberg is my true potential, and yet, I choose to let it remain below the surface.
How do I change? How do I focus? How do I make the most out of my life at the age of 32? How do I let the love in?
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