Stuck

I signed up for the Hyannis 10K, which happens on February 27th. Since signing up, I have run once. ONCE. For 1.5 miles. That's it. Sure, my excuses include going to PA for 5 days, another blizzard, and getting sick. Are these valid excuses? I haven't done anything for my physical self other than shoveling more snow. I am feeling stuck. I am feeling like I need to push myself to do something now. I had all intentions of doing stuff today, and then yesterday, I fell on the ice, crashed down harder than I thought I did apparently, and today am in a bit of pain. Excuses, excuses. Am I being "too cautious"? Will working out help or hurt at this point?

Now, that being said, I finally put myself out there and went to 2 auditions this week. I really felt good about the first one, but unfortunately, I wasn't offered more than an ensemble part. I'm disappointed because I think the director has a wonderful vision and the people seemed really nice. I am not mad. I did the best I could at that time, getting over a cold, and still doing as well as I did. I suppose I would just like an explanation of what went wrong, or what wasn't "right" for them. It's one thing if you bomb the audition, but when other people in the room are expecting you to be given something...and then you come up empty handed. It's hard. I'm not going to allow this to frustrate me or to discourage me. It's my first REAL audition in a looooong time. It's my first time out there in my "new body", with my new headshots and just a new outlook on what I am able to do. I used to categorize myself as a character actress or as a supporting role only. I went to a 2nd audition last night and I felt really good about it. My vocal cords are a little angry at me for putting them through the wringer on Sunday at the other callbacks, so there's a lot of mucus (sorry, TMI!) and it's making it a little difficult to sing without having to clear my throat. I'm hoping that it's cleared up by tomorrow night for the callbacks. I need to remember that I am a good singer, I am a good actress and I deserve to show it off. I am not trying to be vain. I hate feeling like I'm sounding like one of those puffed up singers. I know that I have talent, I just want to share it. I want to get back on stage. I love the feeling of performing. It's really like nothing else. I can only hope that things will work out the way I'd like them to...

But that being said...if I do get cast in this show, then I need to really buckle down and get serious about a workout schedule vs. rehearsal schedule. I will be tired. I will be busy. I can't use those excuses anymore. I can't allow all of my previous hard work to be a waste...I don't want to regain this weight. I don't want to lose the motivation I had...have...had. I feel myself slipping into bad habits. It's hard to eat badly when your cabinets and refridgerator is full of healthy food, but I feel like I'm finding a way. I've been drinking too much at work in the last 2 weeks. I've been eating too much crappy Sbux food. Why am I sabotaging myself like this?

Why do I have a fear of success? I create obstacles for myself. I create excuses so that I don't feel so badly about not achieving a goal. I make it "okay". And then I stew about it. And I get down on myself. Self-deprecating behavior doesn't help anyone. We all know that, yet we continue to do it. How many jokes do you make at your own expense on a daily basis? Do you call yourself stupid, ugly, fat, etc.? I know I do. And i "think" that i do it in jest...but I don't. Do I believe those things about myself? Do I think of myself as fat? Yes. I'm also really good at making myself feel guilty. And it's when I'm feeling guilty about not working out or eating well that I start with the negative self-talk. I am lucky. I have wonderful friends, family and a loving fiancee. And I have to focus on those things instead of letting my evil self-hating demons take over.

As Dori says...Just keep swimming...that's all we CAN do. Otherwise we drown. We drown in our own negativity. We drown in pressures from others. We drown in pressure from ourselves. Head up, eyes on the prize. Just keep swimming.