I had a physical at the end of July, had some routine blood work done, and besides a cholesterol level that is a little higher than it should be, I'm doing pretty well. My husband was having some issues and went to the doctor and 3 weeks later, had his gall bladder removed. Today, we went to HIS physical. The doctor had asked that I be there. We weren't sure why but assumed that it would be to talk to him about his weight and that I be there as a support system.
Well, HIS talk turned into OUR talk.
Contrary to popular belief, this doctor was NOT a giant douche bag when it came to this discussion. He's a cool guy and easy to talk to, and honestly, it's not like it's a secret that we are both overweight. He admitted that talking to people about stuff like weight or body odor is very awkward, even for a doctor. He doesn't like to make people feel uncomfortable, but wants to help. So, broaching the subject wasn't tremendously awful.
The good news is that in 1 month, my husband has lost 17 lbs. He was following a low-fat diet leading up to the gall bladder removal, had surgery, and also didn't eat for about 4 days.
I, on the other hand, probably gained at least 5 or more this month from choosing junk ALL OF THE TIME. I err on the side of cookies, cake, sweets, anything. I make everything a vehicle for sugar. Hello, iced coffee, let me put some chocolate syrup in you. Yum! I also don't just eat when I'm hungry. I reach for sugar in the time of need. If I'm feeling sad, I always reach to sugar for comfort.
The frustrating part for me is that I KNOW THAT I DO THIS. I can identify my problems and yet still continue to go down this road.
Over lunch, my husband suggested that maybe I see a therapist.
It sounds weird, but I'm afraid to see one because I'll have SO many feelings. I'll be a basketcase every week. And yet, it's probably a good decision. I know that a lot of my problems with food are emotionally based. I don't think that the doctor, or the nutritionist, will be dealing with THAT side of things.
So, anyway, as we were discussing this over lunch, I started to get really overwhelmed and crazy about stuff. My knee/leg is still an issue. I am in the process of seeing a physical therapist and am, hopefully, strengthening myself enough to start running again. BUT, I have to stop thinking so far ahead and just focus on the "here and now".
But, if I'm being truly honest here, I think that my main issue is that I already did this. I succeeded. And then...I failed. I failed myself. I failed all of my hard work. And I gained 50 lbs in 2 years. I am only about 30 lbs down from where I first began this "journey" in 2009. I let my laziness and my excuses win. And I failed all of those people who supported me. I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of doing all of this work AGAIN. These are the same goddamn pounds. I already lost them once. And some of these pounds, I've gained and lost a few times already.
I am overwhelmed. And I feel like I don't know where to start. But I know exactly what I have to do. I just have to choose to do it. I don't know if the nutritionist will help, or if the doctor will be an ally to us in this process. I don't know if I have the strength to do this again.
I like to think I have all of the answers, but in this case, I'm...lost.
Definitely don't beat yourself up young lady! Many people, myself included, have gained and lost the same pounds over and over again, have seen great progress and then reverted to old habits, have felt like a failure, and gave felt overwhelmed at the prospect of starting over again. The good part is that you're willing to give it a go again.
ReplyDeleteI saw a therapist for awhile after my father passed away, and while I can't say I went specifically for weight/food issues, I can say that we touched on it during many/most of my sessions. All of our feelings and emotions are tied together and aren't isolated to any one issue, so don't worry about feeling *all the feelings* each time. That's what the therapist is there for!