Creatures of Habit

*Just a warning, this got A LOT deeper than I had intended when I started writing...*


Take a moment to think about a day in the life of you. You could probably use the terms "typical", "same old, same old", "predictable" to describe this day, I'd say. You wake up at the same time, probably go about getting ready in the same order, drive/commute/walk the same way to work. If you have a "traditional" job, where you go somewhere to work, life is probably generally the same everyday. You may not do the EXACT same thing, but chances are good, it's similar. You eat lunch at the same time everyday, perhaps even the same thing. You may go to the same coffee shop at 4pm for a pick-me-up. Work is over, head home, probably the same way you came to work, make dinner, eat dinner, watch TV. Go to bed. End of day.

It's amazing how we manage to get ourselves into this pattern. Good or bad, that's your life. A series of "choices" that seem to result in the same end game. Why? Probably because deep down, we are comforted by things being the same. You find something that works for you and you stick with it. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it", right? As a professional caffeine dealer, I see the epitome of creatures of habit every single morning. Some of these folks have had the exact same drink/pastry for 4 years. Seriously?! I mean, I get that you like what you like, but come on now...maybe a little variety?? But then, I start to wonder if it's because they really WANT that, or if they've conditioned themselves to "need" it. Obviously, caffeine is certainly one of those things. For those of you who know me, know that I don't really drink a lot of caffeine. I will, once in awhile, actually make a half-caf latte at the Bux, or on my days off, I'll get regular iced coffee down at True Grounds, but I wouldn't say I NEED it. Sometimes I feel like I could use a little perk up...although, I'll be honest...sometimes I feel like my heart's going to explode from just a little bit of caffeine. Perhaps I've gone the OTHER way, and conditioned myself NOT to need it. I never drank soda for the caffeine, I wanted the sugar.

But think of the choices you make on a daily basis...especially regarding food. Are you really hungry? Or do you make that trip to the convenience store/coffee shop because you've trained yourself that because it's 3pm, it's time to go there? I decided that this week I'd get "back on track" as far as my food was concerned. I've plateaued at 80 lbs lost (or 75 depending on the hour/day/week) since the beginning of August. Although, I hate to use the work plateau because it's not like I've been working my ass off and nothing is happening. I've been eating, not necessarily "recklessly", just not being as vigilant as I once was. Plus, my workouts haven't been nearly as consistent. My main goal this week was to avoid eating any Sbux sandwiches. I had gotten myself into the habit of eating one (bfast wrap, panini, rf turkey bacon) on my half hour break around 10am. No problem, right? Well, BIG problem considering I'd then come home around 1230 or 1 and eat something then too. I've upped my water intake this week as well, and tried to limit myself to only 1 or 2 coffee drinks, lessening the amount of sugar/syrups that I would put in them as well. It's doing the trick, little by little...the scale is moving again...downward motion, thank goodness.

What do you do out of habit? Do you act a certain way because people "expect" you to? It makes me think back to when I decided to go to IUP. I chose IUP because it was 5 hours from home and NO ONE I knew from high school was going there. I saw this as my chance to finally be who I wanted to be and not who everyone expected me to be. I finally had to sink or swim on my own. I was terrified, yet sweetly rewarded by finding an amazing group of friends and slowly shaping who I'd become today. Now, of course, hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 and I, like everyone, regret some of my actions. I may or may not have been the person I really wanted to be when putting others down...hoping that would keep them from putting ME down. I was secretly trying to build myself up, and unfortunately that's the only way I thought would work. Self-esteem is a difficult thing. You don't really know how to fix it. No one really teaches you that. You learn how to survive. You learn how to build up that wall around yourself so that no words will hurt. Sarcasm is an amazing wall. Trust me, I know. I don't know why, but even now, I still find myself acting in ways that I KNOW I shouldn't. Is this out of habit?? Is this so that I won't show my vulnerability? Is this self-preservation?

This journey has revealed things about myself that I never really knew existed. I tricked myself into thinking I was happy. But when I really looked deep inside, I realized that I wasn't. And as some of you know, no matter how much weight you lose, you may be physically different, but your mind won't change. The habits are still there. Your personality is still there, good or bad. As we've heard in movies, or wherever, "I may be fat, but I can lose weight. And you'll always be a bitch." Am I a bitch? Will I go from being a fat bitch to a skinny bitch? How many people have I hurt in my life just to try to make myself feel better? God, this hurts to even think about. I feel like I have the best intentions, but I bet it certainly doesn't come out that way. Am I subconsciously trying to inflict pain on people so that they'll feel the pain that I've felt throughout my life? That is just wrong.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who has rationalized themselves into thinking that they're the victim. It's never MY fault. It's always someone else's fault. It's not my fault that I didn't get that job. Not my fault I didn't get that part. Not my fault he won't go out with me. But I suppose the only way to truly become the person I've wanted to be is to take ownership of my faults, and my successes. I shouldn't be handed anything. Maybe that's a cosmic reason why I didn't get that job. The interview fell into my lap, I didn't do anything to earn it. i need to start working harder to achieve the life I want. I need to stop playing the victim. I need to allow people to see the real me and to stop hiding. Good things will come to me when I deserve them. Right now, in a state of complacency and laziness, I shouldn't really get anything. Maybe that's why I haven't lived up to my potential AT ALL...

I could have a great job...instead of a job that I tolerate.

I could be an amazing singer...instead of a "singer" who doesn't sing anywhere. That's like saying I'm an astronaut. "Where are you astronauting?" "Oh, nowhere right now."

I could be a better runner...instead of a mentally weak runner who has trouble pushing herself.

I could have a life that I'm proud to talk about...instead of feeling shameful of what I do for a living, and how I feel like I've thrown away the chance to do anything worthwhile with myself.

Am I living this life out of habit? Am I afraid to change? Life could be SO much better, if only I'd take that chance and work hard. Harder than I've ever worked before.