This week marks my one year "fat-iversary". One year ago, on Sept 21st, I chose to start living a different life. I haven't had a drop of soda since then. I chose to put myself first and to take control of my health. As I think about how different things are now, I get very excited by the progress that I've made and feel very proud of myself. I've never done anything that consistently in my life. I always come up with excuses, allow things to get in the way, and just manage to fall off the wagon. The difference now is that I am not interested in falling off of this wagon any time soon.
It's true that I've been self-sabotaging a bit lately. I've been eating "carelessly". I put it in quotes because it's not quite the right word. I haven't been gorging on completely ridiculous things, I just haven't been nearly as vigilant as I was in the beginning. I was really good about drinking water, and not eating crap at Sbux. I don't eat the pastries, but for me, it's the leftover paninis or breakfast wraps that are tempting. Why? I have no idea. Honestly. Sure, they're "good", but in the grand scheme of things, they aren't. They're more appealing than the apple in my purse, but they shouldn't be. Maybe it's the bread. I don't know. I make a good argument in my head that it's better than eating....whatever. And then I eat it. I don't go through eater's remorse, but I definitely feel like I shouldn't have had that. I shouldn't have wasted my energy on it. But for some reason, it's hard to say no. No one is sitting there force feeding me, but I feel it's necessary to do.
A year ago, I made the choice to not eat those foods. I drank only water for at least 6 weeks. I went to the gym at least 3 days a week, and at the time, that was enough. My lifestyle was sedentary, outside of walking to work and being on my feet at work. My body needs a lot more work than that nowadays, and doesn't need all of the extra crap I'm putting in. Why do we do this? You're on a good path and then you get complacent and you start giving yourself allowances...and then before you know it, you ruin all of the hard work you've done to this point so far.
Okay, okay, so i'm being dramatic. I haven't gained 80 lbs back. But I have created a plateau for myself. I've been at the same weight now for almost 2 months. Fluxing up and down by a few pounds here and there. Sure, I don't drink soda, but I'm drinking sugary coffee drinks at work. (Granted, not as sugary as our recipes state, but more than I should have.) I'm creating obstacles for myself again. I'm making this much harder than it needs to be. I was hoping to be at 100 lbs lost by this 1 year mark, and because of my own actions, I am not there. I am not upset. I have done a wonderful thing, but I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know how to keep myself in check, I just need to actually do it.
Why do we feel the need to set ourselves up for failure? I feel that we are all deeply afraid of failure. We WANT to succeed. Yet, we are also somewhat afraid of success. We are afraid of what could happen if we are actually happy. So we choose failure. We choose to let things remain the same. Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
I chose to rock that boat. I rocked it hard. And now, the waters have calmed. And I've lost my oars. Hard to move forward without one. I probably won't move backwards either, as there is no current to drag me back. But I certainly won't go anywhere. I'll just remain where I am. Some people would be happy with where I've gotten to. And if you had asked me a year ago, if in one year's time I'd be happy and content that had I lost 80 lbs, I probably would have said yes. But now that I've experienced the strength, experienced the highs (and the lows), I want more. I am not content. Proud, yes. Content, no.
And THAT should be motivation enough...
but only time will tell.
But really, next year at this time, will you be content with what you've done?
No regrets. Make it happen.
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