Fitting In

Yesterday was a day of firsts for me. It was the first time I ever walked into an Ann Taylor Store, it was the first time I ever walked into J. Crew. And it was the first time that I realized, had it not been for the outrageous price tags, I could actually SHOP in them! For myself! But I also found yesterday to be an extremely stressful situation. Stress? At the MALL?? Come on, lady, you must be joking! I wish I were...

As you may or may not know, I have a job interview coming up on Friday. As the day approaches, it became more pressing that I really don't have any business appropriate clothing in my wardrobe. As I drop sizes, my old clothes move into boxes, piling up in my kitchen, and my drawers become emptier only to be refilled by Sbux approved clothing, workout clothes, and mostly summer stuff. My ex-corporate type friends suggested that I NOT wear a dress (really the only thing I have that would be deemed even mildly appropriate), and so, the hunt for the perfect outfit began.

I started off in Lane Bryant, as they were having a sale on pants, $30 a pair all over the store. Fabulous. I was pleased to see that I am now in a size 14 in their pants, and a comfy 14, not tight...which means that in a month or so (hopefully), I'll be done with LB forever. I suppose I started my search there, as it was usually my go-to place. I knew that I could find something there and not look like I had raided Grandma's closet. All "plus-sized" ladies know that before LB came along, we were stuck wearing clothes at least 30-40 yrs our senior. It's hard to feel comfortable while wearing a dress with large shoulder pads and brooch-like buttons, material like something off of the window dressings in a fancy house. Painful. In the late 90s, early 2000s, it seemed that LB had a change of heart and decided to start selling trendy clothing in larger sizes. Thank goodness. At least we had a chance to feel normal.

It's weird to now be on the OTHER side. It's weird to feel the freedom to walk into every store in the mall and actually be able to fit in their clothes. Sure, finding what size you REALLY are is hard. It's very different at every store, reminding you that you can't define yourself by your size. You can't let it hurt your feelings when you're a Large at Old Navy, but an XLarge at NY & Co, or you can barely fit into the XLarge at H&M. The fact that choices existed made it really difficult on me to make the "right" choice.

I wandered around the mall for about 3 hours...going back and forth, from one store to the next, then going back through those same stores again. I also find that I don't QUITE get today's fashion. Jeggings? Please. Give me a break. Giant, sloppy looking tunic type shirts to be worn over your jeggings/leggings? Ugh. How do I dress for my age in a way that I feel good about myself, not like I'm trying to be someone I'm not (a 21 yr old whore)? As I wandered from store to store, I reached out for some help via text message to my dear friend TZ in PA. She was nice enough to steer me in the, hopefully, right direction. I know that wearing a blazer or suit isn't necessary, plus I just feel so weird in those. I feel like a kid wearing mommy's clothes when I try to wear that stuff, and I knew that I'd feel uncomfortable at the interview. I'll be nervous enough, I shouldn't put myself in a worse state of mind because of the clothes I choose. In the end, I ended up with a really lovely outfit, that I will definitely wear again, regardless of what happens. I won't curse it for NOT getting me the job, if that happens. A nice pair of dark brown trousers, fit perfectly, a beautiful cream colored tank with light layers of fabric (sort of like ruffles, but not quite, hard to explain), a ballet pink cardigan with little flower detailing on the lapel, a long beaded necklace, and a pair of dark brown wedge heels. I feel feminine and pretty, yet confident and definitely age appropriate, and I don't feel like I'm trying too hard. The idea of dressing like this on a daily basis really feels great. I've never actually had a job where I could dress as I wanted. I've always worked in retail situations where a "uniform" existed. Sure, it's easier on the wallet when you wear polos and khakis, but you also lose a sense of "caring" as far as appearance goes. For anyone who has seen me at 5am at Sbux, you know that I just don't care. It's a little tough to try to pretty yourself up at 4 in the morning. You don't want to wear nice clothes because they'll surely be ruined by coffee, etc. It's amazing how the idea of a wardrobe or how you dress on a daily basis really makes you think differently about yourself...

I feel like a slob most of the time. Most of the time I'm either in Sbux clothes, workout clothes, or jammies. I don't dress like a "normal" person. I dress like a service person. Maybe if I took the time to put on some makeup or whatever, I might feel better about myself, but I think that would just mask the situation. I would like to have a choice about what to wear to work, other than "hmm, black or khaki shorts today?". I would like to look pretty. I would like to feel feminine. I would like to feel a bit more successful in my life. Sure, they always say "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have", but I can't wear nice clothes to Sbux. Doesn't work that way. It makes me jealous when I see these women coming in day after day in their little dresses, skirts, nice clothes...and there I am, covered in mocha and chai.

Jealousy is a good motivator as well. You want what other people have. I want a life where I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. I want a life where I can achieve the things I see in my mind's eye. I would love to be able to get up and go for a run before work, and have that NOT be at 3am...which is why that NEVER happens now. To live in the "normal" world would certainly be weird for a bit...trying to figure out if that's the place for me? Do I belong? Will I fit in? Isn't that always the question though...in every aspect of your life....should I be here? Do I belong here? Will they like me?

At least now, I can at least say that I fit in...the clothes. Still not sure of my place in this world, but honestly...who is?