Loss

When you look up "loss" in the dictionary, a lot of negative words show up. It's not a good thing. It's NEVER a good thing, except in the case of "weight loss". That's the only time you're congratulated, envied perhaps, for your loss. When weight loss occurs, you don't send out sympathy cards. "Sorry for your loss" is not spoken in an awkward attempt to make you both feel better. Fruit baskets don't arrive at the door, you aren't flooded with flowers. But, in the end, you are feeling much better than any other kind of loss.

Unfortunately, the last 2 months has brought the wrong kind of loss. Loss of job (Andrew's), loss of motivation (me), and what may be turning into loss of mind...

I signed up for the Hyannis 10K as a way to motivate myself. That worked for awhile, and then when Andrew got laid off, it was over. I ran the race and thought that would push me back in the right direction and it didn't happen. I've been eating crap, sleeping more, and just abandoning the new life I made for myself. Am I stress eating? Yes. Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I helping myself at all? Absolutely not. Do I need an intervention? Yes.

I don't want to make excuses for myself, but what else can I do?? I am scared out of my mind that Andrew was laid off. Thousands of people are on unemployment everyday, but how do you do it? How does it work? How do you go about your daily life while wondering if all of your hopes and dreams have to be put on hold? We got engaged in November, and we are hoping to get married in Fall 2012, but this will put a significant damper on those plans. I know, I know..."You don't have to have a big wedding", "just elope", "you don't have to have a wedding at all, just go to city hall". But what if I WANT those things?! I WANT a wedding. I WANT a dress. I WANT a time to celebrate with my family and friends. We deserve it. But how do you plan for something financially, when your finances need to go to keep you afloat?? People ask how the wedding plans are going...ummm. They're not? I haven't thought about it in weeks. *sigh* I just don't know what to do.

So, needless to say, I'm doing a lot of emotional eating lately. The only thing I feel like I'm in control of right now is my personal performance in "The Secret Garden". I know that I can't control anything that happens regarding anyone else in the show, but I can certainly make sure that I will give it all of my effort. I am so excited to play Martha. It's a role that I've dreamed of playing for a long time and to finally have that chance is amazing. And as great as it's going for me, personally, I can't seem to get anything else in my life in order right now.

I eat crap at work. I eat crap at home. I haven't been to the gym since January. I use my schedule as an excuse. I added some hours to my work week when Andrew was laid off, so now I'm at work until 130 on MOn and Wed. The last thing I want to do is workout afterwards. I'm exhausted by that point. I'm hoping that with daylight's savings time approaching this weekend, that maybe the sun staying up a little later will make me want to go for a run after my nap? I don't know. All I've wanted to do is eat and sleep. Do I have Seasonal Affective Disorder? Am I just sad? Am I trying to cope with all of these "adult" situations that I'm not prepared for?

I am so frustrated with myself, I just want to scream. I don't want to live like this.

And yet, I can't stop my destructive behavior.

*hangs head*