Terrifying

I don't get nervous when I perform, unless I am unprepared. I do my best to be as prepared as I can be, and make it my personal goal to be reliable for my costars. I've worked very hard to prepare for the role of "Martha", besides the fact that I've dreamed of playing this part for about 20 years. Last night, I had a very frightening evening on stage. I had a touch of a cold all week and thought that I had it beat. I warmed up a few different times yesterday afternoon, gargling salt water, drank hot water and honey, did all of these crazy singer things to make sure I was ready to go. I got to the theater and started feeling a bit "off". We warmed up and I was cracking all through them. I started to get nervous. I had no idea what was going to happen. THAT is scary. As a singer, you are used to your voice working in a certain way and then it just...doesn't. I got out on stage for my big scene in Act I, dialogue with "Mary" and then my song, "Fine White Horse". As I was speaking, I could feel my voice getting raspier and raspier, and trying to figure out what I would do when I got to the song. I jumped a few lines in a panic to get the song started, and hopefully over with quickly. I had to "Rex Harrison" it by the end (meaning, I spoke through the lines because I just couldn't sing anymore...). I then spent the rest of the night gargling salt water downstairs, trying my darndest to make anything come out, but also to not make it look like I was panicking onstage. The funny thing is that people in the audience said they couldn't tell at all...and even 2 of my friends who were there said that they could only tell "something" was wrong at the very end of "Fine White Horse', but they also knew I had been sick this week. It's hard when you prepare so much and you put yourself into something 100% and then your body betrays you. The only thought that kept me going was that I was sick when I auditioned and got the role...so if I could do it then, I could do it now. I wasn't going to let my fellow cast members down and I certainly wasn't going to let myself down. Sure, it wasn't exactly as I had hoped it would go, but I didn't quit. I didn't freak out. I kept my composure and kept it going. THAT has to count for something, right?

Here's hoping tonight goes better, can't really tell what's going to happen...I feel fine for the most part. My cords are a bit tender, having some tea and hoping for the best. Ahhh live theater...always finds a way to knock you down a peg... ;-)