Wave of Motivation

This has been an interesting week. It began with me slogging through a 10K in 85+ degree weather in October, finishes with me "possibly" being 4-5 lbs lighter. I say "possibly" because I have an indecisive scale. I get on it, it says one thing...I get on it again...says something completely different. I move it 2 inches to the left, it's now a 3rd number, unrelated to the others. Very annoying. Change the battery, you say? Just did that. Beat it with a baseball bat and buy a new one? Soon, my friends, soon.

I'm proud of the small steps of progress I made this week. I didn't eat ANY food at starbucks this week. I made my own Protein Plates to take to work and ate those, and wasn't even remotely tempted to eat the garbage laying around there. Yes, I had some drinks, including the protein shake that I've been concocting in the AM. My drinks now are definitely much better for me than they used to be. I also managed to cook dinner a couple nights, and ate the food that I had bought at Trader Joe's earlier in the week, instead of going out to eat. I went out for dinner on Fri night and had my "cheat meal"...a delicious burger, fries and a delightful pumpkin ale. Yesterday, GI Jane and I had breakfast at Ball Square Cafe and discussed our first week back on THE PLAN. I resisted the temptation of the pumpkin waffles and had an egg white, cheese, and canadian bacon sandwich on a whole wheat english muffin and a large fruit bowl. And last night, went out and ate an enormous amount of sushi. :-) Sushi is so good. *sigh* I love it.

The main issue that I foresee in the next few weeks will be trying to combat the idea of "stress eating" and stuffing my face when I"m tired. Why am I stressed, you ask? I'm stressed out over my show. We ran Act I yesterday and it was very clear that we had taken a few very large step backwards in the process. Plus, at the end of rehearsal, we were chastised for being concerned about the lack of a conductor/setup/basically anything that we were concerned with. So, with that said, I will continue to show up and do my job, as I have been doing all along, not worry about anyone else, and if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I tried to help. I tried to do what I could to make it better. Needless to say, the next few weeks will be nail-biting. It's been really tough being involved in yet another show that has created such feelings of uneasiness in me. The last 3 shows I've been in have made me feel this way for various reasons. Is this a sign that I should quit? Is the cosmos trying to tell me that I'm not meant to be doing this and that by doing so, I'm disrupting the flow of the universe? (Alright, a bit dramatic, I admit, but come on...) Or am I "looking for love in all the wrong places", theatrically speaking?

*sigh*

I have such great respect for this show, for the music. I just want it to be great. And if I'm wrong in wanting that, that's fine.

I try to quell my rising emotions with food. I know this about myself. My greatest task in the next 4 weeks will be to fight those urges. I need to start working out my emotions by working out more, running it out, lifting weights, anything that does not involve putting food in my mouth. If I had a place to hang it, I'd get one of those big ol' punching bags. That would be amazing. Maybe a Boppy Clown would work...

Life always presents challenges to us, that's quite obvious. It's how we choose to deal with these challenges that will define our futures. I want to stop soothing my pain/emotions/challenges with food, once and for all. I want to have a normal relationship with food. Hmm. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not IN a relationship with food. Food is not a person. Food does not have feelings. Food is fuel. Pure and simple. Hmmph. Sure. Easier said than done, my friends. *sigh*