The creep. The seemingly inevitable creeping upwards of the scale. Too much salt? Not enough water? Too much food? Probably. I'm starting to feel the effects of my reckless behavior. I feel stuffed into my clothes. Am I? Not sure. Not ALL of my clothes...but definitely some of them. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I worked so hard for so long and now I'm just complacent. I'm allowing this to happen. I'm letting my brain and bad habits run my life. How do I stop this downward spiral? Why am I floundering? Why can't I just stick to my guns like I had for over a year?
I've been complacent about my healthier lifestyle since the beginning of the year. Maybe I got tired of working so hard just to live my life. Did I think I had "won"? I still haven't reached my initial goal of losing 100 lbs. And that goal is getting further and further away as I slowly gain a pound here and there...probably around 15-20 lbs since the beginning of 2011. What the hell am I doing? Nothing. I am doing nothing. THAT is the problem. I'm working out maybe once a week and then congratulating myself with junky food. I did pretty well at work last week, didn't have any drinks or pastries. This week, I slipped. I was stressed out and the only way to fix it, I felt, was to stuff my face with crappy pastries. The drinks, not so much of a problem.
I really don't want to do it, but I think I might do EOB's detox again. I did it once, probably about a year ago. It was not pleasant, but it did the trick. It "reset" my brain, my stomach, and taught me what hunger was again. I can certainly go to the store tomorrow and prepare to do this starting on Sunday. And maybe starting it on a day when I won't by tempted by the stuff lying around work is a good idea. Do I feel a need to punish myself? Maybe. Definitely. *hangs head* I shouldn't have to put myself in food jail, but when I can't live in the outside world, something needs to change.
I use the term "food jail" a lot. I feel like people put themselves in food jail when they restrict everything and make life miserable for themselves. Not saying that life should be about eating...but eating can be an enjoyable part of life. A PART OF LIFE. Not your entire life. Eating for me was my life for a long time. It was comfort, it was fun. I need to get back to that time when exercise was my comfort. I looked forward to going to the gym. I looked forward to sweating and bettering myself.
I plan on waking up tomorrow, lacing up my running shoes and getting out there. I need to sweat. I need to find my way.
i am sorry that you are struggling, but is understandable with all that is going on in your life. You are coping with the stress of Andrew's unemployment, a wedding to plan (which you fear you don't have the money do celebrate the way you'd like), a job that you loath ( and fear you will not leave), and...trying to lose weight.. the frustration of not being at your goal.
ReplyDeleteFood was your copying mechanism.. and right now with all this stuff.. you want a release. a zone-out from the world and it's burdens. Plus, when you feel deprieved by not having money or the job you want...it is easy to rationalize having dessert and skipping the gym. These are things other people seem to be able to do.. and hey, it's usually free/inexpensive.
instead, what about giving yourself a real present once a week. buy yourself a new book, etc. even something little that's fun. You have earned a reward. it allows you to find a way to treat yourself without causing all the noise in your brain.
One nice trick if you want a little candy/chocolate is going to Tedeschi. they have 15c mini pieces of candy.
relapsing, unfortunately, is part of the process. i dealt with the same thing recovering from bulimia. You are now in the phase of learning to deal with stress/anger without your former copying mechanism. but your mind isn't entirely ready to give it up without a fight and without new things in place.
You have accomplish a lot, kelly. you can do this.
please forgive all of the above spelling and grammatical errors. i need sleep.
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