I stumbled upon a new show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me". I have basically boycotted all shows on MTV for a long while, judging them to be worthless drivel that I shouldn't waste my time on. I saw an ad for this one and decided to give it a shot. Why? Because there's nothing else on. And honestly, I'm so glad that I did. In a time of increased bullying due to the unlimited access to the internet and social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, schools are faced with a mounting problem. Bullying has been a problem in schools probably since the first schoolhouse opened it's lone door. Human nature has always been about competition, survival of the fittest and all that. Unfortunately, it's come to a point where kids (and adults) are taking their own lives to escape the hell they're going through on a daily basis. We've all been bullied. And we've probably all bullied someone else. Think about how you've acted towards other people. Do you really want to be remembered that way? We all suffer, mostly in silence, because of fear. We're embarrassed and afraid to show who we really are for fear of being ridiculed and made to feel inferior. Life is hard enough, why do we find it necessary to make it harder for each other?
I think back to my high school years, 10th grade, more specifically. For whatever reason, there weren't enough Advanced English classes to fit all of the students who were eligible for the class. I was one of the "unlucky" ones who ended up in a regular English class. I remember walking into that classroom and deciding that to save myself, I would be invisible. I had a lot of "popular" kids in my class and didn't want to become their target by knowing too much, or seem like I was enjoying class. I spent the year hoping to make it out of there alive...and then came our final poetry projects, we were paired off, alphabetically maybe, but however it happened, I ended up with one of the most popular guys in school as my partner. We were to choose a poem, research it, write a paper about it, and then deliver the poem out loud to the class. I chose the poem, "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes, I'm pretty sure I did all the work, and to top it off, my partner didn't even show up to school on that fateful day. So there I was, up on the stage in that "other" auditorium in the back of the high school, terrified I was going to do something that made them notice me. But I couldn't avoid being noticed. I was the only one up there. And for that 5 minutes, I forgot I was trying to hide. I absolutely love that poem and decided to let that show. After I finished reading, cocky Mr. Joe Blair, complimented me...and I smiled. And I remember, clear as day, one of the "popular" girls leaned over to another one and said "Wow, that's the first time I've ever seen that girl smile". Wow. Really? Had I actually made myself so miserable that I actually NEVER smiled in that class? It shocked me. But also made me realize how I had let those people dictate who I needed to be. I can't really say if that changed how I acted in high school. If you knew me in band or choir or one of the advanced classes, I was a different person than when I was in normal track classes. I tried to be invisible. I dressed in a way that wasn't memorable....jeans, tshirts, nothing special. I didn't try to call attention to myself. But in band or choir, I could succeed because of my talents...I wasn't being judged by how I looked.
I do feel that those years have definitely shaped my life. Although, I tried to make up for it in college, by branching out and not staying inside of my shell that I had taken so long to create. But in all of that, I think I forgot to sometimes let my true self out. I was the funny one. I was friendly. I was popular. But I wasn't always happy, but I didn't want anyone to see that side of me. I didn't want them to see that I cried myself to sleep at night sometimes, wondering why things had happened to me. I got good grades, had a lot of friends, was successful in music, but could not, for the life of me, get a date. I felt like such a failure. I felt like i wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, fun enough. I couldn't figure out why no one would date me. I blamed my weight, which could have been one reason, but didn't think it was a good enough reason. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel special. No matter how many awards I won, parties I had, friends I made...I felt alone. I was always the last choice. Luckily, this never developed into full-on depression or anything. I never had thoughts of suicide, although seeing friends go through that was hard enough. I never cut myself or drank to relieve the pain. I ate. And slept. A nap would shut out the world for a few hours and I wouldn't have to think about those things.
Life is tough when you're young. And doesn't get any easier as you get older. Your social circle gets smaller. It's harder to meet people, and when you try, you immediately feel like they're judging you, thinking you're hitting on them or something. Trying to break down the barriers you've created for yourself is so hard. Letting people in makes you so vulnerable. You're just waiting for something bad to happen, for them to laugh at you, to reject you, to leave you. But, if you're lucky, you start to recognize toxic friends and realize what a true friend really is. You recognize who makes a positive impact in your life and who makes you feel like the best version of yourself, or helps you to become that.
Honesty is hard. We all say that honesty is a wonderful thing, but how honest are you really? Do you really say what you're feeling? Do you let people know when they've hurt you? Do you tell people that you love them? Do you show them who you really are?
If you really knew me you'd know that....
-I am 31 years old and have no idea what I really want to do with my life. I want to sing, but don't know if I have the talent to make it happen. I doubt myself constantly, except I know that when I am performing, I am truly happy.
-I am terrified of having children because I don't want them to have a seemingly happy (but quietly unhappy) childhood.
-it scares me that Andrew is my first/only serious relationship and I sometimes wonder if it's a good thing for either of us that we've never been in other relationships.
-I've been both the bully and the bullied.
-I am much more sarcastic than I need to be, most of the time, because it's a coping mechanism for me.
-I am now, and always have been, terrified of failure.
-I feel safe writing in this blog, even though I know that these words will be read by enough people that may or may not REALLY know me, but the freedom that I feel as these words come out makes me feel like it's all worth it.
-I am trying to break down the walls that I've built around myself my whole life.
-I am proud of myself for my accomplishments and proud of you, for yours.
-life is hard for everyone, but sometimes I feel like I've made mine worse by the choices I've made.
-I am scared of not doing anything worthwhile with my life and people saying "Wow, Kelly could have been something...".
-just like everyone else, I just want to be loved.
First of all, physically speaking, you are half the person I knew in college and in addition have become a runner!! That alone is a worthwhile achievement so please put that fear aside. You will be a fantastic parent because you HAVE been on both sides of the table and you can share those experiences with your children. And having a solid relationship is always more valuable that lots of smaller, gone-wrong relationships....maybe you've met your perfect match! Kel, you have sculpted a very worthwhile "you"; one that I admire and am proud to say I really know about you.
ReplyDeleteelly, you are breaking down the walls around yourself.
ReplyDeletei know it may be hard to be compassionate towards yourself, but you have always been beautiful and attractive. Maybe not to yourself but it is true.
i think "seeing" yourself takes time. A lot of people experience the fear... but keep checking in with what is real. Focus on your strengths and the dresses you've been rockin out in. It does take a lot of positive, honest talk from yourself.
i understand being afraid to raise unhappy children. But if you have the wisdom to recognize where you might have weakness, you have the wisdom to ask for help, support and be cautious.
you are not a failure. The arts is the toughest field, my dear. Many of us creative, passionate folks... who got into our area because of being introverts/insecure. For some it takes a while to figure out where you want to go and how to get there. But you are doing things with your voice. You've been a part of the ghost tours for 2 years. And now that you are developing your self-esteem and confidence in yourself, i think you will soon be ready to look beyond the coffee counter.
you are someone. you are beautiful. you just happen to work in a job where a lot of customers make you feel less than... and society does too. but i know what you mean.. i feel the same as you. it's much worse when you visit the town you grew up in. the expectations, the ideals,...come back.