I was in the midst of entertaining a very cute 2 year old child, trying to keep her from repeatedly jabbing at my brand new Macbook screen with her messy fingers and was showing her pictures on Facebook. As the photos go back in time, Aunt Jelly (yes, that's my name) gets fatter and fatter. Holy shit. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I mean, I have some fat pictures hanging on my refrigerator at home, but for some reason this really struck a chord with me. I was finally seeing myself how people used to see me, and how people still expect to see me, I suppose. I've had a lot of people tell me that they don't recognize me. GOOD! Thank God! I'm glad I don't look like that anymore. Wow. I mean, I just can't even believe that I really let myself get to that point and was in such denial. Although now, I see how far I've come, but realize that I'm still overweight. But now, I'm what you'd consider "average".
The average woman is a size 14. And now I am one of them. Crazy town.
It's so weird to look at these pictures and barely recognize myself, even though in my mind, I still see myself like that. The human mind is very powerful and it creates a lot of things. I suppose this distortion in my mind makes me slightly understand body dysmorphic disorder. (That's when people see themselves as VERY fat when they are in fact, very, very thin, or vice versa, I suppose.) And as I'm plateauing...or perhaps just not working hard enough to take it off...I see that I have so much more work to do to get to where I want to be.
Being "on vacation" doesn't really help either. I'll admit that yesterday, I went for a run...and then was talked into getting a milkshake on the way home. WTF. Milkshake was good. I got the small size. Did I need it? Not necessarily. Did I want it? I think I did. Could I have said no? Yes, I could have. But did I? No. I did not. I suppose I bowed to peer pressure. But it was hot, and the idea of a cookies and cream milkshake was inviting. Did this derail me? Nope. I ate a sensible dinner. Ate sensibly again today, and went for another run. But I also have to realize that to continue losing, I will definitely have to up the intensity of my workouts. And that, my friends, is where the problem lies...
I've been running now since about April. For awhile, I was really going strong, doing 2-3 miles at a shot, fairly easily and really feeling great. Lately, I get to 1 mile and start slogging along. I am not able to run as far as I was before without stopping for a walk break. Is it mental? Am I mentally beating myself? Is it too hot? Is the weather bringing me down? I just don't know. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could tell ME! I don't feel defeated. I do keep lacing up my shoes and hitting the road...but I suppose I figured by this point, I'd be ignoring the tally on the Nike+ and just running. I want to document my runs, that's why I use the Nike+, but I should really stop touching it during my runs. I don't know why, but it's making me think about running as a chore. No one is making me run. i don't HAVE to do it. But I LIKE it! I DO! I LIKE RUNNING!!!!! I don't want it to be a pain in my ass. I have enough things in my life that piss me off currently. I don't want running to become one of them. Maybe I should look into that Nike+ bracelet thingy. Maybe it doesn't talk to you.
A few weeks ago, I tried the silent run. maybe I should do it again. Maybe I need to do more of other things. Maybe my running is suffering because I've been lax about strength training. The motivation is in my brain. It just hasn't reached my legs yet. And any bit of humidity in the air makes it harder to breathe, causing a race between my lungs and my legs...which one will give out first. But my brain keeps saying, "Go, go, go...", as my legs and lungs are crying, "No, no, no". I should be improving at this point. I am planning on running a 5K on Halloween. I should be able to breeze through a 5K right now, no problem. WHY is this happening?? I feel like I'm just moving backwards. Maybe I'm jealous. My very wise friend, GI Jane, "accidentally" ran a 5K with some people from work about a month or so ago. It was her first. She is supposed to the 5K with me in Oct. I thought THAT would be her first. But alas, she is already moving on to bigger and better things...running a 10K a couple weeks before the measly 5K. I should be at that point! Why am I treading water, or even paddling backwards and she's racing off towards the finish line?!?! Sure...she was exercising before me. Okay, so I definitely have at least 50 lbs on her. But COME ON. ARRRGGGGHHH!!! I want to run! I want to run the whole 5K. I don't want to walk. I tried a training schedule and it was ruining the running experience for me. The mandatory distance posting was pissing me off. I know I have to train. I know I have to increase my mileage. But how do I do that when it feels like my body (or maybe it's the other half of my mind) is betraying me at every turn?!
I will do it. Mark my words. I will. Kiss my ass, 5K. I will destroy you.
Whoa, slow down there chica! You're being way too hard on yourself! Look how far you've come! I'll bet you couldn't even run 50 yards a year ago, and now you're running several MILES! Sounds like you need to switch it up a bit. Maybe your body is just getting bored with running. Today I went to the gym and got on an exercise bike, just for something different. It felt WONDERFUL and I was surprised at how fast and far I could go on it! Maybe back off on the running for a bit, do it only a couple times a week, and do another form of cardio and some more strength training. It's like when you're learning a musical piece, and you get frustrated as hell and the more you play it the worse it gets. Then you put it down for a few days, a week even, and when you get it back out you play it like you never have before, flawlessly.
ReplyDeleteITs the heat. Trust me ... you will feel 1000% better when fall hits. xo nora
ReplyDeleteTo my favorite Kelly:
ReplyDeleteFirst off, let's be clear: that first 5K SUCKED. It kicked my dimpled ass. I was, no lie, WIMPERING come the finish line. Then I puked. In a CAB. So un-unstint that praise, is what I'm saying.
Second, I agree, with xo nora up there, the heat really does hurt, not help. Don't forget how much harder your body is working to cool itself down.
Third, what that 5K made me realize is...drumroll...you just gotta muthafuckin' run. Even if it *feels* like a walking jog, just keep pushing and pushing. Finish lines are excellent that way--you want to quit, and then you're just, like, only a half mile left, only a quarter mile left, omg people are cheering, I can SEE the finish line, wooo! (roller coaster arms). While running outside is more interesting, I love the treadmill for that...setting little goals, in mileage, time running, and when all else fails, pushing it until the end of THIS song...
In conclusion: let's go running together. I've been slacking too. I never would have finished the 5K of pukey death without the co-worker who ran side-by-side with me, her pushing herself to finish her first 5K. We had had maybe two work conversations before, and we HUGGED after crossing the finish line.
Keep loving this new you. It's not going anywhere.
Love and Jillian Michaels protein powder,
GI Jane
Kelly, I was feeling the same way about my runs the other day and I talked to my friend, Gwen. And Gwen is a runner. Like she runs for fun and she runs marathons. And she told me that everyone goes through the sloggish feelings. Everyone. Even top runners.
ReplyDeleteShe said that it may just be that I'm a runner, now. And as a runner, I'll get the heavy legs feeling.
Maybe your body isn't betraying you. Maybe your body is just a runner's body!
Or maybe it's betraying you, too. I sure as hell don't know. But either way, I love that you are going to destroy the 5K.