I imagine that marching band would've been a whole lot easier for me if I had been the size I am now, or more importantly, exercising regularly. I recall the terrible shin splints I had during my freshman year band camp at IUP from marching band and forth, rolling those heels. Dear God. I wanted to be shot. Seriously. I couldn't roll anymore because the muscles had tensed up so much...and we were in a "drill up" situation, where you had to keep marching if you weren't doing it right. I remember tears streaming down my face because I was in so much pain, but didn't know what to do. Those shin splints never quite left me during band camp times at IUP.
Did I learn my lesson and try working out? Naaahhh. Why the hell would I? Life was SO much easier carrying around all of that weight, forcing my heart to work extra hard, being out of breath. *sigh*
I look around the field and I see kids that are obviously overweight, or just plain out of shape and I see myself. I see the pain and heartache that I lived with. I see myself, not being asked out on dates, not being the "pretty" one, hiding behind jokes and music. If I made fun of myself first, no one else could. I didn't necessarily need to be athletic to excel at music. I could be successful and make a "name" for myself. And I couldn't be told I wasn't good enough.
I wish I could go back in time, with the knowledge I have now, and create a better youth for myself. I can only hope that I'll take what I've learned and if we have kids, pass it on to them. I can help them to have a happy, healthy life. I've had a relatively happy life, I'd say...but I do know that had I taken better care of myself as a kid, I probably would've been happier. Not saying that everything was determined by my weight, but high school boys aren't interested in the fat girl...neither are most college guys, for that matter. I never had the confidence that someone would want to date me for me...I always blamed it on my weight. Maybe that was true. I have no idea. It's not like years later I'm receiving all of these "oh, i had a crush on you" messages or anything...(does anyone get those? haha)
Even though I've struggled lately, I know that my choices will give me a happier, healthier life. I can't go back...and neither can you. We can only move forward. The future is unknown, the future is scary, but it's unwritten. You can make it whatever you want it to be...
I had a weird moment this weekend, watching a bunch of 12 year olds at the music festival, flirting, teasing, hangin'. I said to my mom, man I wish I could redo those years. I'd let myself be so much cooler. Oh, come on, she said. You don't get to go back as you NOW. That's a completely unfair advantage on the other kids, and you know it.
ReplyDeleteSage woman, that mother of mine.