*cue Biggest Loser theme song*

What have you done today to make you feeeeeeeeeel Proud?!

Probably one of the worst songs ever...but it does evoke some enthusiasm and pride when I hear it. Like, "Yeah, I DID do something today to make myself feel good! Thanks, Biggest Loser!"

My gym is about a mile from my apartment, in Porter Square. My Sbux is in Davis Square, one T stop away from Porter. On the days that I work and then go to the gym, I routinely ride the T, it's quicker and gives me a chance to "rest" from work before working out. Yes, sometimes I feel badly about that, as it's about a 10 min walk. But whatever, I'm going to work out. And lately, I've been just running outside, not even going to the gym, but my 5k training thing suggested cross-training on other days. SO I decided to get my ass to the gym. On Fridays, I don't work at the Bux, so I usually sleep in, get some exercise in, hang out and go to Ghosts. So this morning, I decided to walk to the gym...but then decided to run to the gym. It was one mile. Then I finished the other mile on the treadmill to complete my 2 miles for today in the 5k trainer. Wheeee! I did some great exercises and then walked home. It is such a beautiful day outside that it makes me wish that I could physically run longer. Mentally, I could run for hours...my body gives out first. hahaha. (So instead, I'm sitting here at the computer regaling you all with tales of my day.)

Walking home, I also got to thinking...it's amazing what a difference a year makes. Last year, there is no way I would have willingly and enthusiastically walked that much in one day, especially with having Ghosts at night. The fresh air, the sunshine. I was enjoying the walk. Looking forward to what will surely be a beautiful night.

I'm sure a lot of you are like me and have suffered from low self-esteem for a good part of, if not your entire life. I learned how to deflect the insults and teasing by being funny or smart or good at something. I was always the overweight kid in school. And to add insult to injury, I was the first one to get braces in 4th grade. So, not only was I fat, I was also "tinsel teeth", "railroad tracks" and whatever else. It was tough. I went through middle school and high school trying to build up a thick skin in the normal classroom or the hallways, trying to avoid being a target of the beautiful people. But I was only myself when I was in the music classrooms, or the AP classes. When deciding on a college, I chose IUP because it was far away. I wanted to leave my high school persona behind and stop being who everyone thought I was. I came out of my shell in college, definitely discovered who I wanted to be, but was still hiding behind the weight. I never dated in college. Had a lot of crushes, but was always "the friend". I always blamed my weight, but it could have been my low self-esteem. Maybe people could see right through me and realized that I was sometimes faking my happiness. I moved to Boston for graduate school and on the first day of school, my voice teacher told me that I was too fat, would never get a singing job and that she never wanted to have this conversation again, so I should fix it. I started Weight Watchers At Home that week. I lived in fear. We all did. It was 2 years of mental abuse that I got through by having amazing friends all silently going through the same thing. But at that time, I wasn't ready to let myself succeed. I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it because someone told me I had to. I lost about 35 lbs. I felt good. I joined Match.com and started doing some online dating. (All the guys at school were gay or married...) And I was lucky enough to meet Andrew. He had a lot of these same struggles throughout his life, so we definitely connected there. He's been a big supporter of mine for the past 5 years, and has never ONCE said anything negative about how I looked. He always tells me that I'm beautiful. For awhile, I couldn't believe it. I never had anyone tell me that before. I thought he was lying. But to look into his eyes and see the sincerity, I knew he wasn't. Not saying that someone else saying those things is necessary for you to feel good about yourself, but it helps. We all know that with negative thoughts, the more you hear them, the more you tend to believe them. I'm thankful that I have him in my life. He has helped me see that love is possible for everyone, even if you NEVER thought it would come to you. (I believed that I would be single for the rest of my life...)

Life is tough. We all know that. Everyday presents new challenges. Family, friends, work, money, society, etc all create different demands on us. Dealing with those struggles will lead you to find solace in things...being it alcohol, food, exercise, gambling, drugs, etc. I was/am an emotional eater, and also a boredom eater. If I didn't have anything to do, I ate. If I was stressed, i ate. Happy, ate. Sad, ate. Depressed, ate. You get the picture. The food certainly wasn't going to make me feel good about myself, but in that moment, it was a comfort. Instead of searching for comfort from friends, family, a good book, I looked for it in food. I spent much of my life being unhappy with who I was, blaming others for my failures, not taking responsibility for my life. It is only now that through this journey that I am realizing how strong I really am, how I don't have to answer to anyone but myself, and that life was meant for living. I am lucky to have quite an amazing support system. All of you reading this right now are part of that support system. Reach out to people in your life. They will help you, maybe even people that you never expected will pop up and offer you support. Sometimes it's difficult to allow yourself to open up to others, you don't want to be seen as weak or vulnerable. But you should trust. It's such a wonderful feeling in this day and age of sarcasm and cynicism. In the end, we all want the same thing, love and support. If you need it, I'm here.