I don't know what it is, but lately, my mind is saying one thing and my body is saying another. It's this interesting internal battle. I really want to go for a run, so I lace up and go out to do it, and as I'm out there, my legs are going "Kiss my ass!" or whatever and I'm just struggling. Sure, it could be the incredible heat and humidity, or maybe I just need to suck it up and really start pushing myself. My knee isn't the problem...where it was for awhile. Perhaps, I need to stretch my hip flexors more. I just don't know. But what I do know is that it's hard to keep going when your body is fighting you the whole way.
I'm not trying to make excuses. I'm just trying to verbalize, so I can figure it out. I still go. I still do it. But it's certainly not as enjoyable as it COULD be, or as it has been. I did some yoga after my run today, to try and stretch things out. I'm feeling pretty good right now, mentally preparing for this concert I'm singing tonight. The weather is gorgeous, and I'm looking forward to putting on my pretty dress and new shoes. :-) And I know that for once, i actually do look good, not just a fat girl in a pretty dress.
My journey has been relatively easy, but some days are definitely harder than others. I fight myself to make a good choice. I fight to NOT eat that bread in the basket at the restaurant. I've been trying to make the best choices the last few days, but I will admit that I've been indulging a bit in the ice cream. Tsk tsk. I know. I had some delightful chocolate custard from The Meadows the other night and that was coerced into a chocolate blizzard from Dairy Queen. Although, the other meals during the day have been as good as I could make them, and I've worked out.
Being away from your normal set-up is interesting, as you find ways to adapt to your surroundings. I definitely have a good grasp on what I need to do to keep myself feeling healthy and being active. I've been here in PA for 2 days already, and have worked out both days and have done relatively well, as far as eating's concerned. I had some white pasta the other night, but when that's the only choice, you try to make it better. I had pasta primavera, lots of yummy veggies. And when we visited Sheetz (YAY!), I had turkey on wheat and veggies...not my old standbys...club sub with mayo and cheese, or a big fat hot dog and a salad covered in unhealthy junk. I am doing what I can. i'm trying. And so far, my body isn't fighting me on those choices. It only seems to fight a bit as I exercise. Why is that?
Why am I getting slower? Why do I feel as though I'm slogging along through a run when I used to feel so footloose and fancy-free? What is going on? I've been trying to change up my exercise routine, adding the dance class and just trying to do what I want, when I want to. I don't want exercise to become something that I resent having to do. Enough people hate exercising, and how will I remain on this path if I hate to exercise?! There's no way. I have to maintain a mentally healthy connection to exercising. But what if my body rebels? Why do my hips hurt? Stretching may help as well as doing some hip strengthening exercises.
BUT, how do you keep going mentally when it hurts?! Do you push through? Do you stop and wait for it to subside? When does normal pain become an injury? I know I'm not injured. But sometimes as you push, you hope your body can keep up. I've been trashing my body for so long that I hope that it doesn't give up on me during this time. I wonder if the pain is my body's way of saying "thank you" or saying "fuck you". Hahaha. It's a fine, fine line sometimes...
As each day passes and I feel myself getting stronger, seeing myself being able to do things that I could never do, I must remember how far I've come, how far my two legs have carried me. I know that my journey will never really be over. Spending 30 years as an overweight person, it doesn't completely disappear in a year. I still see myself as I was. I don't know if I'll ever really get over it. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to erase that image. But with each step I take, each wheezing breath I suck into my taxed lungs, I know that I am fighting to break down that barrier between the thin girl that wants to come out and the fat girl who resided here for so long.
It's such an ongoing battle, isn't it? I've felt the fat girl in my trying to come back lately as well. It's been a struggle, and part of the reason I plateaued for almost 4 months. My doctor gave me some great advice though. He told me I've been on this journey a while now (almost a year) and sometimes your mind and your body just need a break. You can't be going 100% the whole time or you'll go crazy. It's ok to fall off the wagon a little bit, as long as you don't fall too far and you eventually get back on. Sounds like you're still making healthy choices, and you're still being active. It's ok to have ice cream now and then. A lot of people would give up when they hit the wall, but I know that you won't. My best medicine has been getting out the old fat pictures...they're hard as hell to look at, but they give me a reminder of how far I've come. You're just in a rut, the uphill part of the battle. Just keep making healthy choices and keep active, and you'll be fine! Don't worry about the numbers, they'll take care of themselves. :)
ReplyDeleteI tend to go all Neo on its ass: "there is no pain."
ReplyDeleteI have bad weeks, too, when my feet or knees just hate me. Sometimes it's the weather. Sometimes not enough calcium or protein. But pushing through gets me back to where it's good again.