The Wet Badge of Courage

I don't know why, but it's psychologically satisfying to see your shirt soaked from sweat after a workout. You think, "Hell yeah, I did it! I kicked some ass!". Perhaps you really did work that hard...or it was just blazing hot out (or in, if you go to MY gym). But whatever the reason, you really feel good about your efforts. You feel like you could conquer the world at that moment. As I was walking home from the local coffee shop for a celebratory iced coffee and the end of my run, I was having the funniest thoughts.

I walked up the hill towards my apartment, the Big Ball of Fire trying to peek out from the lovely blanket of gray that had held it at bay for the duration of my run. And I felt as though I had just won a battle. That I was emerging victorious, the lone survivor. The dark ring of sweat around the neck of my Quik Bunny tshirt. The condensation on outside of my hot pink Camelbak water bottle. The droplets of sweat sliding off of my brow. And I walked up that hill, head slightly down, looking up from under my eyebrows, probably with a bit of a scowl/smirk on my face. At that moment, I was badass. I felt like I was better than everyone else driving by in their cars, those losers walking down the street. I could high kick you in the face! POW! I could race you down the street and probably win! ZAM! My resolve is better than yours. HIIIIII-YAH!

Maybe this is that "runner's high" everyone talks so much about.

I just had to chuckle at myself. Sometimes I am quite ridiculous. :-)

Although, I suppose anything that really gets you feeling good and proud of yourself isn't all bad, right?? I got some new exercise clothes the other day, needed a few more pairs of capris so that I could do laundry less often, and feel less badly about wearing "used" exercise clothes. (hey, if I'm just running, alone, outside, I can stink as much as I want! So THERE!) The funny thing about exercise clothes is that the sizing is akin to that in a bridal shop. The sizes mean nothing. They are definitely "off". I picked up a couple pairs of capri length pants and didn't bother to try them on. I had already visited the fitting room at TJ Maxx and wasn't interested in doing it again. So I get home, try them on and realize that they are a BIT more snug than she had hoped. Although, with a longer tshirt on, they are not inappropriate. Plus, from the back, my ass looks GOOD! ;-) And my thighs are starting to look muscular and athletic instead of just thundery. Wheeee!

I also feel quite badass with my "tricked out" shoes. I have my Nike+ sensor on one foot, and one of those shoe wallet thingys on the other. That makes me a real runner, right?? Although, as many Runner's World mags, and my new The Complete Guide of Running for Women book says...I'm a runner if I believe I'm a runner. And goddamnit...I'm a runner! Sure, I'm not a long distance runner. Not really sure if I ever will be. Right now, just getting to 3 miles sometimes is a bit difficult. It's not the motivation, it's the physicality. My knees sometimes hurt while I'm running and I need to stop and walk it out for a bit. Not a big deal. But I would really like to run the entire 5K I'm training for. (I certainly won't see it as a failure if I have to walk though. Just that I'm DOING it is victory enough, I think.)

What kind of rewards do you give yourself? As a kid, we'd be rewarded with an ice cream cone or cake. As an adult, trying to live a healthier lifestyle, it's hard NOT to reward yourself with food. And even now, I sometimes give in and say "Oh, i can have this because I worked out today". Dummy. The point is to work out to get ahead! Not to stay even! Blaaaaah! So, I've been attempting to find OTHER ways to reward myself to keep the motivation going. New clothes are ALWAYS a good motivator...especially as you get smaller and no longer fit into your clothes. iTunes giftcards have helped bust through some playlist drudgery. (I know it's time to switch things up on mine as I know exactly how far I've gone based on where I am in the music.) I also think it's important to reward yourself along the way, don't only give yourself a prize when you hit your goal. If you're like me, your goal could be pretty big. You don't want to lose that motivation and never receive any kind of personal rewards. I know people who set very rigid goals, and very rigid rewards to go with those goals. They make a list "At 15 lbs lost I will get a manicure. At 25 lbs lost I will buy a new dress. At 50 lbs lost I will get a puppy.", or whatever. I think it may work better if you treat yourself off and on when you feel the motivation waning. I mean, of course, the exercise and the eating better will become a treat in itself. but EVERYONE needs a little kick in the ass sometimes, a little self-esteem booster never hurts.

As I continue along my journey here, I am definitely gaining self-esteem as the days pass. But it's strange, mentally, I am still that same girl. I "forget" that I can wear a smaller size now. And then it clicks back in and I'm like, "Oh yeah, I DID do this." And then I try to fight those feelings of being SO PROUD of myself. I don't want to be seen as vain. I don't want to come off as arrogant. But goddamnit, I did this! I've done it all on my own! AAAAHHHH!!!! And I sometimes want to tell EVERYONE I see. A lot of people have no idea, even people I see everyday. I suppose as the days and months pass, you see some people everyday, and you look the same. But how the hell can't you tell?! I'm finally starting to actually SEE the difference in the mirror. It's quite exciting. But I think the real telling factor is when you look at my Minerva pics or some older pics on Facebook and then look at me now. WHOA. Stung by bees, friends. That's what it looks like. (Need to get new headshots soon, too. I don't look like mine anymore. *Sigh*) But I suppose that's the biggest reward yet...new headshots. And maybe I'll stop being passed over, or stop getting the sidekick roles. We'll see. ;-)

Reward yourself. Feel proud. Share your accomplishments. Don't worry, the people who care about you will realize that you aren't bragging (at least not in a snobby kind of way), they will be happy to hear about your successes. Success breeds success. Let's be good examples for each other.