Crossroads

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm at crossroads of sorts. I feel like I need to make some immediate decisions, and if I choose to continue with the status quo that nothing will ever change for me. It is no secret that I am unhappy in my workplace, not because of my coworkers, just that the nature of the job has really worn me down over the years and that it has become so stale for me that I can't really handle it anymore. I feel like am constantly putting out fires relating to interpersonal problems instead of just serving coffee. It's hard to deal with on a daily basis, that's for sure. It certainly makes it hard to want to go to work because you never know what you're going to get that day. I also find myself being in such a rut that I can't remember what tasks I've completed that particular day. I do the same thing, day in, day out, most of the time, the days mush together so much that I forget what I've done. For instance, last week, I almost forgot to go to the bank. The "normal" time that I go had come and gone due to higher customer volume and different employee shifts and whatnot, so I just assumed that I went. Alas, I did not. Luckily, I remembered before it was time for me to leave for the day, but that shouldn't happen. And it wasn't anything detrimental to the business, but it's clearly showing me that I need a change of pace. My life is so stagnant. I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting for something else to come along. It's my own fault. If I want things to change, I have to actively make choices to change them.

I find myself creating lists of "practical" reasons to not do things, or to do things. I'm not making excuses. I'm trying to be true to myself and my financial situation. I can't make irresponsible decisions because the minute I do, we could be coming up short on our rent or find ourselves becoming delinquent on bills. I know that a job that I take needs to pay more money that I am currently being paid and must offer insurance, or at least some compensation to pay for said insurance.

I also need to find a job that makes me happy. Maybe that's too much to ask. Am I happy right now? Not necessarily. Should I let a job define my happiness? Probably not. But does it? You bet your ass it does. When you meet someone, what is one of the first questions you are asked..."What do you do?". I always stumble, feel stupid, and then try to rationalize that I work at Sbux because it pays my bills while I work on being a singer. But that's a lie. Am I really working hard to be a singer? No. In this case, I clearly can't afford to take lessons or coachings right now. But do I practice? Not anywhere NEAR the amount I need to. I could still be practicing, learning new music, reading, etc.

It's hard to work in a job where not only are you unhappy, but you're poor too. A friend commented that it's a bit demoralizing for it to be both. And there's nothing wrong with taking a job that'll pay you more so that you can at least try to focus on finding your happiness with that extra money coming in. She's right. I work hard. Those of you who've never worked at Sbux might not believe me, but it's more than just slapping down a cup of coffee. Besides the obvious of being on your feet for 6-8 hours in a row, dealing with long lines of demanding customers, you're expected to be "on" 100% of the time, giving "legendary" customer service, bending over backwards to serve people who really couldn't care less about you, for the most part. It's hard to feel good about yourself. It's a thankless job. Unless you're seriously kissing ass, no one above your store level gives a shit about you and clearly makes that known. I refuse to fall all over myself to be noticed. I do my job and I do it well. I don't need to become something I'm not to impress anyone. I've been with the company long enough to know what I like and what I don't like about it...and that's one of the reasons why I never took the opportunity to move up. I couldn't fake my way through that life. I'm not interested in kissing ass for the rest of my life. I've worked hard to make my relationships as genuine as can be, I'm too old to be a fake version of myself, and I feel that's what the company wants from us.

I'm also just about finished with The Secret Garden, which means going back to my "normal" life...and after a few short weeks, it'll be time to go back to Ghosts. Am I happy about that decision? Not necessarily. I can't say I'm excited to go back. I keep questioning my decision. Did I make an irrational decision because the email about returning came the same week that Andrew was laid off? Did I not give myself the adequate amount of time to think about it and just said yes to "save" us? It certainly doesn't hold the same appeal it used to for me. I know that I'm going to have to put in massive amounts of work for it to be worthwhile to me, and I don't know if I even want to put in the effort. So many things have changed there over the last 4 years that it just isn't what it once was for me. Has my ship sailed as far as this is concerned? Am I doing this because I want to? Or because I feel like I should??

I find myself between a rock and a hard place where a lot of stuff is concerned. I feel like I'd be letting people down if I quit Sbux, or if I quit Ghosts. But what about me? No one thinks about me when THEY quit Sbux, or they left ghosts. Right?? Shouldn't I think of myself first and foremost? Even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm usually putting someone else before me. Do I think they'll "fail" without me? Do I feel like I'm THAT important that everything will completely fall apart? Sure, things might be shaky at first, as they transition, but they certainly wouldn't fail. They'd pick themselves up and dust themselves off. People leave jobs all the time. People make changes all the time.

What am I afraid of? Why can't I just take a leap and go for it? I've fallen into a rut in my life. Everything seems stagnant. I've allowed my exercise/healthy eating to become stagnant, (i.e. sometimes happening, sometimes not), as well. This week I'm not emotionally eating, I was just tired and chose to sleep instead of workout. This upcoming week, with dress rehearsals, I'll be hoping for time to workout, but will be exhausted. And after the show is over, that'll allow me to get back into focusing on exercising. I need to find something exciting about it again. I had so much fun when I was taking the ballet and kickboxing classes, but I know I can't afford that right now, so I need to look for other avenues that might lead to the same result. Maybe On Demand, or Netflix instant.

Am I crazy to want to make sweeping changes across the board? Perhaps. But then again, am I crazy to just let life plod along, not ever changing anything, allowing myself to become unhappier? Absolutely.

I took control of my unhealthy habits for a long time. I need to create that same resolve and do it in all aspects of my life so that I can finally live the life I WANT to live.