For a few days I had been thinking about a blog post about my interviews, the act of interviewing, applying for jobs, blahblahblah. And right now, sorry, folks, that's not what you're gonna get.
SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you want to see the movie "One Day" with Anne Hathaway, don't read this post. You've been warned.
Okay, so now that THAT is out of the way...here we go...
Everything I need to know about riding a bike, I learned while watching "City of Angels". Wearing a damn helmet. End of story. Let's just say that after an hour and a half of seeing these two people go through almost 20 years of life as friends or more, BAM! We are hit with a very unnecessarily violent end for one of them. Needless to say, most of the people in the audience did NOT see that coming...and we all gasped and shrieked simultaneously. But besides that, I had already been crying over these two for quite some time. The movie was about these two people and it showed them on July 15th every year...where their relationship was, where life had taken them. They were clearly meant for each other, regardless of how poorly he treated her while he searched for himself. He made her happy. They were never quite ready to be together, but finally after many long years, they finally got together. The happiness lasted but one year or so...then they tried to get pregnant and it wasn't working and then BAM. The end of their lives together. She pulled a Meg Ryan and went riding without a helmet and was smashed by a truck...and they basically showed it. Not cool. But in the end, his dad gave him the advice to "live life as if Emma were still here...". He had become a better person, and tried to continue down that path without her. It was quite touching.
Then I'm all emotional, crying, thinking. A pretty bad combination. I made Renee stop by TT's to visit Andrew so I could say hi. OH yeah, and I bought a bottle of wine on the way home.
Movies always show such wild and raw love. Does that kind of love exist in real life? I don't know if I'd call my relationship so wild and raw. It's comforting, it's sweet, it's fun. Do I need that kind of reckless feeling? Do I need to stop being so careful (in everything) and just let go? In life I've always been cautious. I've never been one to take risks...and when I've managed to work myself up to take a risk, I've found rejection or failure. (It's ironic that I've chosen singing/music as my career choice, huh?) But even in my life where the risks might be emotional in nature, but in no way would I be rejected, I still don't open up completely. I play it safe. I don't want to be 100% vulnerable. I can't seem to surrender control. I really think this is one of my major problems. I want to be in control of SOMETHING. I can't just let the chips fall as they may. I have to manipulate, like a puppet master. I have to make things go the way I want them to...or at least try. And I get very worked up in situations where I have no control over what people think about me, or how things will work out.
Hmm. And now this leads perfectly into a discussion about the interviews. I have no control in these situations. First of all, it's very hard for a singer to go into an audition without singing. An interview is an audition without the singing. What the hell? Can't I just sing for you? You'll love me even more. I promise. You can't fabricate your resume. You can only go in there and show off the best possible you and HOPE that they'll agree that you are the best fit for their needs. I'm really glad I went to them. Sure, I'm disappointed that the first one didn't work out. I really enjoyed the women and the "feel" in the office. But to be honest, the hardest part is that I saw an escape from Sbux....I saw the light at the end of that tunnel...and then it was gone. It was like I could taste it, I could feel it...and then...POOF. Gone. Will there be others? I certainly hope so.
I must continue to take risks. I must take those scary steps if I want to improve my life. I want to be happy. All of the time. I get trapped in negative thoughts...then end up letting those thoughts out. I know it's a drag. I know it sucks to be the one listening to it. And to those friends who hear it...I'm sorry. I'm extremely sorry for bringing you down. I don't know why I do it. And I also don't know why I can't stop it. I'm scared. I'm scared of success. I'm scared to change my life. I'm scared of the unknown. And the only way I know how to deal with it is sarcastic "humor"...I know. It's not funny. It's not cute. I have to change. But...how?
*sigh*
People may think I have my stuff together...but I certainly do not. I should. But I don't...
I've talked about this fear of success before, I think, in reference to my weight. I'm afraid to actually let go of this "persona" that I've created and lived in my entire life. Even though I've shed about 70 lbs, I'm still trapped by that girl. I am afraid to let myself become the best possible me. I'm scared to be completely happy. What happens then? I don't know if I'll ever know.
Will I ever allow myself to have everything I've ever wanted? Or will I continue to live a life of partial happiness and filled with regret?
Thank you for sharing those feelings so openly and honestly. That in and of itself was a risk for you, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteThose that I have seen be successful at "life" have two commonalities: One is that they accept that it is always changing. Ups and downs, improvements and setbacks; it always is in flux even when it is stable.
The second is that they set themselves on a continual path of self-improvement. There is no big "I've arrived" moment because there is always a way to get better. But it always does get better, and there is no stagnation because they are always seeking ways to improve.
You (whether you realize it or not) have set yourself on that path. And it's an awesome one to be on. Have faith that when the right time comes the path will be clear. You've done wonderful things for yourself already. They are the setup for even better ones to come. :)
Yeah, the book was that abrupt too. Reading...reading... "And then Emma Morley died." Seriously.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone really has their shit together, some just play it off better than others. You're making the magic happen girlfriend, just stay on that path. Whether or not a romantic dramedy follows you.